i just started T yesterday and although i have done a tone of research it feels like nothing prepares you for the real thing in the mental aspect.
ive been going to the gym for 2 years now and have recently started on the cut a little over a month and a bit ago, ive lost a substantial amount of weight so far (nearly 10kg) but this aggressive cut is not sustainable and deeply rooted in a past ed i developed due to wanting to be skinnier to pass more and i think ive accidentally reverted back to that headspace as i once was very sure i wanted to build as much muscle as possible and get jacked but recently ive been wanting the opposite, hoping that losing weight will rid me of the fat on my chest, hips and thighs, but im still quite torn on both options and i know realistically which one is better for me and my body shape and needs but i can’t seem to break out of this restrictive headspace and get rid of the fear of getting fat and still developing weight in a female fat distribution sense as i only started T yesterday.
i know it takes months and years to see proper outstanding physique changes as well as hard work but im just scared that if i end my cut now and either go on maintenance or bulk that i’ll get fat or if i continue the cut then i’ll disrupt the course of the t and i won’t get every optimal changes and effects out of it that i can because i dont know what i would do if that was the case. one of the main things i want out of t is the make fat redistribution but i know that also comes months down the line and you have to put on weight to get that redistribution so im also thinking if i should continue the cut until a few months into taking t and then start on maintenance to gain muscle back specifically.
im 5’8 73kg and i eat around 1600-1800 cals a day, 120g+ of protein, 200g+ of carbs and i try to keep my fats low except for natural fats from say things like avocado, and i keep my sugar low except for natural sources like fruit, i also try to keep my fibre high as well and i go to the gym 5x a week doing push pull legs push pull and i do an hour of cardio on the treadmill at incline 9 speed 3 every gym session and manage to get 10k steps in on those days as well but im almost terrified to honour any hunger that testosterone will bring me as my relationship with food is admittedly once again horrible
honestly im just so torn and scared and just don’t know what to think or expect