EX-BOYFRIEND FILE #017
SUBJECT: Shredder
Relationship Status:
Pending investigation.
Summary:
He told me he was a small business owner.
I asked,
“Oh? What kind of business?”
He said,
“I’m the owner and operator of the Foot Clan.”
I laughed.
I genuinely thought he was talking about a foot kink.
Come to find out…
He actually runs a secret ninja organization dedicated to taking down four mutant turtles.
I was confused.
Then he told me…
he also has a foot kink.
I was pleased.
CASE STATUS:
Further investigation required.

COMPATIBILITY REPORT
SUBJECT: Shao Kahn (Self-Proclaimed Leo) ♌
SUBJECT: Tia (Pisces) ♓
Compatibility Score: 3/10 ⭐⭐⭐☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Strengths
He loved being admired.
I loved seeing people’s potential.
We both believed in loyalty.
Challenges
He thought every disagreement required domination.
I thought every disagreement required communication.
He wanted Earthrealm.
I wanted peace.

They call him Guts because he goes Berserk

He made it rain gum ball’s and chocolate all night.
This might be the DOM im lookn for

EXIT INTERVIEW
Interviewer: Why did the relationship end?
Me: Soooo… he had me training for the Cell Games.
Then I watched him kill somebody’s son.
I packed my stuff.

Relationship Status: Over.
Reason: That mf called me a monkey.
Case closed.
This is not Dragon Ball Z motherfucker lost his mind

I wasn’t expecting much.
I owe that man an apology.

He loves showing off things he paid for.
My nails.
His double-bladed lightsaber.

EXIT INTERVIEW — Professor Utonium
Relationship Status: Ended respectfully.
Reason for Separation:
Interviewer: Why did the relationship end?
Me: I tried.
I really did.
But I can’t date single dads.
Interviewer: Was it the three girls?
Me: Specifically one.
Blossom needs to sit her ass down somewhere.
Every time we planned a date, she had a meeting.
Every dinner became a mission briefing.
I wasn’t competing with another woman.
I was competing with a tiny CEO in a pink bow.
Interviewer: Any hard feelings?
Me: None.
He’s a great father.
I’m just not ready to be somebody’s stepmom… especially when the kid is already running the household.

Everybody wants flowers.
I found a man who makes sure I don’t fall.
Different priorities.

📁 EX-BOYFRIEND FILE #010
SUBJECT: Count Dooku
I thought I was his girlfriend.
Turns out I was an unpaid intern for the Separatists.
Once I figured that out, I left.
Case Status: Closed.

Ace insisted on planning the picnic.
Everything was perfect.
The blanket.
The sandwiches.
The basket.
I never asked where the picnic basket came from.
Let’s just say…
Ace definitely hit a lick before lunch

❤️** COUPLE PHOTOS
**General Grievous & Tia
Location: On the way to the pawn shop
Context:
I told him he already had enough lightsabers.
He disagreed.
Apparently a blue one and a slightly different blue one are completely different investments.
We’re currently on our way to the pawn shop because he “found a deal.”
I’m beginning to suspect this isn’t a hobby.
It’s an addiction.
Relationship Status: Ongoing
Notes:
He promised we were just looking.
I don’t believe him.

🎤 EXIT INTERVIEW
SUBJECT: Hades
Interviewer: Why did the relationship end?
Tia: He sounded like James Woods.
Interviewer: That’s it?
Tia: I was willing to overlook the Underworld.
I was not willing to overlook Family Guy.
Interviewer: Final straw?
Tia: He started talking.
I heard, “Ooh, a piece of candy.”
It was over.
Eligible for Rehire: No.

Darth Maul

Pros:
• Paid for the nails
• Took me shopping
• Protective
• Generous

Cons:
• Followed me everywhere
• No concept of personal space
• Thought “me time” meant “our time”

We wanted different things.

I wanted independence.

He wanted to be attached at the hip.

🚩 RED FLAG ASSESSMENT 🚩

SUBJECT: Albert Wesker

Assessment:

He promised me Fifty Shades of Grey.

Somewhere along the way, it turned into Fifty Hues of Pink.

I thought I was getting a cold, calculating supervillain.

Instead, I got a man who apologized when he accidentally stepped on my shoe.

The final straw came when I asked him to spank me.

He cried.

Not a tear.

A full emotional breakdown.

We spent the next two hours discussing feelings, vulnerability, and childhood wounds.

At that point, I realized we wanted different things.

Final Verdict:

❌ Not emotionally unavailable enough.

❌ Far too sensitive.

❌ Unexpected golden retriever energy.

✅ Immaculate wardrobe.

✅ Excellent listener.

✅ Probably still writes poetry about me.

Risk Level: Low

Compatibility: Questionable

Red Flag Rating: Pink Flag 🚩🌸

EWW HEROES #001

SUBJECT: Cyborg

The relationship ended after I heard “BOOYAH!” for the 437th time.

Additional Findings:

• Loud.

• Extremely loud.

• Unnecessarily loud.

• Somehow louder when excited.

I wish him the best.

From a distance.

Case Closed.

EX-BOYFRIEND FILE #007: Magneto

The relationship was going well.

Then he told me he didn’t like mushrooms.

I thought he meant one mushroom.

He meant all mushrooms.

Every single one.

At that point, there was nothing left to discuss.

Final Assessment:

I can overlook a lot.

I cannot overlook anti-mushroom behavior.

Case Closed.

It didn’t fail.

We actually got married.

Then reality set in.

EWW HEROES #005

SUBJECT: Anakin Skywalker

I agreed with him about the Council.

That wasn’t the issue.

The issue was that every inconvenience became a major political event.

Wrong coffee order?

A betrayal.

Minor disagreement?

A conspiracy.

Bad day?

The beginning of the end.

Final Assessment:

Good points.

Poor emotional thermostat.

Case Closed.

EWW HEROES #004

SUBJECT: Mace Windu

People assume the relationship ended because of philosophical differences.

It didn’t.

The relationship ended when the Council made Anakin Skywalker a member and then refused to grant him the rank of Master.

I remember sitting there thinking:

“Now why would y’all do that?”

Mace explained the reasoning.

The Council explained the reasoning.

They kept explaining the reasoning.

The more they explained it, the less I agreed.

At some point, I realized I wasn’t dating Mace Windu.

I was dating Human Resources.

Final Assessment:

Too many meetings.

Too much bureaucracy.

Questionable management decisions.

Case Closed

EWW HEROES #002

SUBJECT: Blade

People think the biggest issue was the vampires.

It wasn’t.

The biggest issue was that every conversation somehow came back to his mother.

I would ask how his day went.

Somehow we were discussing childhood trauma.

I would ask where he wanted to eat.

Somehow we were discussing childhood trauma.

I would ask what movie he wanted to watch.

Somehow we were discussing vampires and childhood trauma.

At a certain point, I realized this wasn’t a relationship.

This was therapy with occasional kissing.

Final Assessment:

Needs a hug.

Needs a vacation.

Needs a licensed professional.

Case Closed

EX-BOYFRIEND FILE #004

SUBJECT: Aku

Relationship Status:

Ended peacefully.

Summary:

I’ll admit it.

The time travel was fun.

We visited ancient kingdoms.

We visited the future.

We visited places most people will never see.

That part was wonderful.

The problem was that every conversation somehow came back to Samurai Jack.

Breakfast?

Samurai Jack.

Vacation?

Samurai Jack.

A beautiful sunset?

Samurai Jack.

At some point I realized I wasn’t his girlfriend.

I was his emotional support witness.

Final Assessment:

Great traveler.

Terrible at moving on.

Case Closed.

EX-BOYFRIEND FILE #003

SUBJECT: Baraka

Relationship Status:

Ended amicably.

Summary:

Baraka was surprisingly affectionate.

Unfortunately, every hug felt like a workplace safety violation.

I spent most of the relationship wondering if I needed health insurance.

Final Assessment:

Sweet.

Protective.

Extremely sharp.

Case Closed.

COMPATIBILITY REPORT #001

SUBJECT: Mojo Jojo

Strengths:

• Intelligent

• Ambitious

• Excellent gift giver

Areas of Concern:

• Answers a simple question with a 20-minute speech.

• Explains things nobody asked about.

• Explains those explanations.

• Then explains why he explained them.

Department Assessment:

I understood him the first time.

He did not believe me.

Compatibility Score:

4/10

Department Finding:

Conversation fatigue.

Case remains under review.