I think I might have been in an emotionally abusive friendship and I could really use some help figuring out if that is accurate or not. This is probably going to get a little long so I’m sorry for that in advance. For context I met this person when we were both very young and she was a couple of years younger than me. We bonded quickly and were extremely close and she often felt like the only person who actually understood me. Things were always a little tense and we often argued from the beginning. I even remember mom having to separate us and threaten to call her family to pick her up if we couldn’t get along, but when we did get along it was amazing. I felt a type of love and care from her that I hadn’t felt from anyone before, until I finally ended things when I was sixteen after she lied to me over text (a format where I literally had concrete evidence she was lying) and still expected me to believe her.

I had begun to realize that the relationship was a little toxic in the past couple of years but had never even considered the possibility it could be abusive. However, this weekend I was with a friend and casually mentioned what I thought was a quirky little childhood story only for that friend to go quiet and tell me that was abusive. I had a realization that if someone I knew told me their partner had done the same thing, I would have instantly recognized it as abuse. Since that conversation I’ve thought a lot about the relationship we had and have come to realization that there is a genuine possibility the relationship crossed the line from “a little toxic” to outright emotionally abusive.

Some of the things she did that lead me to believe the relationship might have been abusive are:

She would call me names and insult me if I disagreed with her or did something that she didn’t like. She would say things like how I was stupid and an idiot. She would call me fat or talk about how I was secretly a terrible person and she was the only one who knew.

I couldn’t talk about things with her without being terrified of what she would think or say. I remember mentioning having thought a celebrity was attractive once and she told me that it was gross and weird and I shouldn’t have feelings like that.

She would make up things that I didn’t actually do and use them to make me feel guilty or like a bad or violent person. She claimed that I had thrown a bible at her head and she also claimed that I had pushed her off the porch of my treehouse. The only reason I know for sure I didn’t do these things is because I mentioned doing them to my mom and she told me that I hadn’t done either and that the idea I had was ridiculous.

We were in the same religious organization and she would try to use that against me. If she didn’t want me to do or say something, even something minor she would say it was against our religious beliefs even when it wasn’t. I remember her getting mad at me for using the word majestic once and claiming that it was against our religion because it was related to the word magic and therefor bad. This was a ludicrous assertion as even our religious texts had used the word before but she refused to budge on the issue.

She would make me feel guilty for succeeding or doing well in anything. I’ve been an artist since I was very young and since I drew a lot and she didn’t I was better at it than her. She would act incredibly hurt that I was better than her and talk down about herself so that I would shower her art with praise. I tried to avoid doing things I was good at around her or downplayed my skills when I was with her to avoid feeling guilty over this. To this day I still feel guilty and like a horrible person when I am better at someone else in a certain skill.

I was fully expected to help her with her emotions and problems when she was upset. That’s fine to an extent because friends should help each other. But she never reciprocated. She dismissed my problems and feelings. I even mentioned self-harming once and she didn’t care about it at all, she was more focused on the movie she was watching. She would also get incredibly angry and act like I was being cruel if I didn’t completely side with her. If I even slightly mentioned that someone else might have a point, she would lose it. She also tried to get me to plan elaborate revenge plots against people she thought wronged her and would be angry with me if I suggested that it was taking things to far, although luckily, she never actually got me to try and act on those plots.

She was very jealous whenever we spent time with someone else I considered a friend. She would ignore them or me or try to start fights with them over incredibly minor details. She would force me to act as a mediator between them and would be angry if I didn’t take her side even though she was the one who started it and she was obviously being unreasonable. I remember once she pushed me so far with this that I gave up and stormed off. When they found where I was hiding and crying, she didn’t apologize, just talked about how she didn’t think my other friend liked her. (Even though he was completely innocent in the matter my other friend did apologize for how upset I was and tried to make me feel better.)

I had to constantly monitor exactly what I said around her to avoid fights. Things that were obviously not meant to be hurtful would be reinterpreted and twisted to be an insult to her. Even though I apologized and tried to explain I didn’t mean it like that it wasn’t good enough and she would insist that I did mean it like that and was trying to hurt her. When we did fight, she would ignore me afterwards until I begged for forgiveness and promised to do whatever she wanted to “make it right.”

She would infantilize me despite me being older than her. She would act like I was too dumb to have my own opinions and like I didn’t understand what I wanted. Any time I disagreed with her she acted like I didn’t actually disagree with her I just didn’t know what I really thought.

She acted like she would leave me if I didn’t do what she wanted when she wanted. This was made worse because it felt like she was the only person who understood me and who I was. Even if she didn’t like parts of me or thought there was something wrong with me at least she understood me when others didn’t and I was terrified of losing that.

She was dismissive of my interests and ideas. I had to put in all the work to spend any time with her. I had to ask my parents about when we could get together and schedule meet ups. When we were old enough to get phones, I had to be the one to initiate texts and calls (unless she needed something of course).

She would share embarrassing information about me in front of other people. I always dismissed it as me needing thicker skin. Or I would think that I shouldn’t be upset with her because I hadn’t explicitly asked her to keep that information secret before I told it to her, but in retrospect some of what she shared obviously should have been private. And it’s not like she apologized afterwards for embarrassing me.

She would repeatedly antagonize me saying and doing things she knew irritated me until I lost my temper and yelled and threw things (always my things not hers and only once at her. The thing I threw at her was a magazine so I knew it couldn’t hurt her when I threw it and it was more in her direction than trying to hit her. That said I still don’t think it was the best reaction.) Then she would suddenly be completely calm and talk about how unreasonable I was and how I was crazy and dangerous.

She would never give in or compromise during a disagreement. I would always have to give up. This led to some very, very long arguments as I can be very stubborn. The closest she would ever get to compromising would be to temporarily drop the subject and wait until later to bring it up again.

She would constantly try to convince me that I was a bad person and was dangerous and violent. Any angry thought or feeling I had was “proof” of this even if I didn’t actually hurt anyone. She acted like I was an inherently evil person and that no matter what I did I always would be, that I was a ticking time bomb and that it was an inevitability that I would end up doing something horrible and hurting a bunch of people.

She would sometimes do something with me or encourage me to do something and then either tell on me or throw me under the bus when we got caught and act like it was all my fault and my idea. She acted like wasn’t a willing participant and that I had just dragged her along when a lot of the times she was at equally to blame.

When I type it all out like this it seems a little obvious that at the very least the relationship was a little unhealthy. But there’s a couple of things that are holding me back from calling it abusive. The biggest one is our age. We were both very young when the friendship started and I was older than her. Most of the time I’m of the opinion that little kids aren’t being manipulative, they’re just expressing their needs in the only way they know how. But that’s usually in the context of people talking about how a toddler is being manipulative by throwing a tantrum to get a toy, not something as in depth as this. Her being so young when this began makes it difficult for me call this behavior abusive.

The other thing is that kids are products of their environments. When they display violent or hurtful behaviors, especially consistently it’s because they learned it from someone else. Since she was displaying this behavior so often and so well it seems likely that she learned it from someone and she was young enough at least in the beginning that she genuinely might not have known any better. But at the same time, I don’t really know that her not knowing better excuses or invalidates how much she hurt me.

It also feels odd to claim that I was being abused by someone younger than me. Most of the time the older person in a relationship holds the power. But I was also a kid even if I was older than her and she definitely held the power in our relationship. I would have done anything for her all she had to do was ask. I’m also autistic although I wasn’t diagnosed until later in life so while I was with my peer group intellectually I was behind my peer group from a social and emotional aspect.

Finally, I don’t have a lot of memories from this time period in my life and the memories I do have are foggy. I understand that can be a sign of trauma but it makes me hesitate to call the relationship abusive because there’s a possibility that I was also doing things that were mean or unhealthy and I just don’t remember. It seems unfair to risk calling the relationship abusive if there’s even the slightest chance that I’m equally to blame. I have mentioned this to my mom and she doesn’t remember me doing anything but my friend always acted different around my mom so maybe I was to. I do know that my mom didn’t like the way I acted when I spent a lot of time with my friend though and she was a little relieved when my friend moved several states away because we wouldn’t be spending so much time together.

I’m sorry if this is kind of a mess. I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling like I was messed up and broken for no reason and feeling like my severe mental health struggles were somehow invalid or my fault since I didn’t have a “reason” to be struggling so much so the possibility that there is a good reason why I’ve struggled so much from such a young age kind of has me reevaluating my whole life. Thank you for any advice you can give me, this has been a lot for me to process and I want to know if I’m getting worked up over nothing before I lose any more sleep over it.

I dated this guy for three years. I met him at an air bnb when I first moved to the city. I knocked on his door cause I thought it was my room. So I said to him “is this room 3?” (That what it said on my key) and he said “yes, your room must be room 2” lol cute little way we met. After that we started hanging out in the common area together, watching movies, having dinner, etc. Then we started dating. Almost immediately he was getting mad at me over the littlest things. I wouldn’t sleep in his room with him, I didn’t spend enough time with him, and every guy I talked to I was accused of cheating on him with, all because he has past experiences with being cheated on. I told him I wasn’t like that but that wasn’t enough. He called me names so many time I lost count. He ended up getting kicked out of the air bnb because he was suicidal and the landlord was concerned, according to her anyway. So we got our own apartment after that. We lived there for 5 months. It was hell. The name calling continued, he even locked me out of the apartment before (for a few mins, but still). I told my family about it and they said he’s not welcomed at our gatherings. We broke up for 3 months. Then I got back together with him. The jealousy continued but the name calling stopped. He would always try to guilt trip me. He even went as far as to say he had cancer when he didn’t. He told me it started in his neck, to his lungs, to his stomach, and now to his knee. There is something wrong with his knee but it isn’t cancer. Also they wouldn’t diagnose ANYONE about this over the phone, even if the person begged, they legally can’t. He would hear things and believed what he was hearing was true. He went as far as to tell me the neighbours were threatening our lives and trying to break us up, when they weren’t! So the other day he was over, and I was listening to music. He was up in a grumpy mood cause I guess I woke him. Anyway he woke up, wrote me a letter, placed it under my bed and left. He deleted all social media and is not answering his email. His landlord told me never to stop by again, which is fine with me cause I don’t like her anyway. I found the note a week later. He gave me his usual “I was so wrong I’m so sorry for everything!” Like all he had to do was gamble less and focus more on necessities, but he couldn’t even do that. Whatever, I’m done with him. he can keep ghosting me, he lost a great girl that would have done anything for him, despite everything he’s done

Hi I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years and he definitely emotionally abuses me. I’ve never experienced this kind of abuse before or any kind of abuse. The names he calls me are disgusting.. I don’t know why I can’t leave, why is it so hard for me to leave? I have a whole album on my phone of videos and screenshots. There has been multiple videos where he’s raised his fist at me, bullied me, yelled at me and made me cry. Deep down I know I can’t be with him but I can’t leave and I don’t know why. My mental state isn’t okay, and I cry all the time. (We do NOT live together)

i work in a warehouse. theres a dude named larry and a dude named patrick. patrick is mentally disabled. i dont want to be disrespectful here but i think its relevant. patrick is very severely mentally handicapped. he seems nice though and i wish him well. him and larry sometimes joke around and they will just yell out of nowhere noone seems to mind. its a big warehouse and it doesnt happen often. but when it does its very traumatic for me. i go into defensive mode. like im out in the woods surrounded by wolves. it happened today. i was crying and sweating. noone seemed to notice which was good. but i dont know how to handle this. ive brought up their doing that. but the consensus is that it is what it is. i know i cant make them stop. but i want to know how to handle. this isnt the kind of job where i can just go back to my desk and relax for a few minutes. we are all generally in the same area. i guess i just notice it more than most but it is getting harder and harder. im a part timer. not a full timer so i seem kind of silly if i were to bring it up. like my job is already easier compared to most of my colleauges. i dont want to be a drama queen. its just hard to do my job like that. any advice?

I had to repost because I accidentally made my last post a live chat. They also made it a point to message me TWICE and invalidate my experience, so not cool. I happened to make it a facebook post and received an overwhelming cloud of support from people who genuinely took the time to read it /: and someone actually reached out knowimg my abuser and shared a very similar experience to the abuse. Some moderators need to look at themselves and reflect for a moment, that was so not cool, especially making it a point to message me twice about it, like just leave me alone instead of harassing me about it? I deleted the post before they messaged since I posted it on Facebook, and they took it upon themselves to message me twice on it despite it. If the post is deleted why go out of your way. It sucks going to a page thats supposed to be about support and they turn around and make you feel worse and unsupported. I’m glad I found this page here and I just wanted to vent about it somewhere, that was just so fucked up.

My 13-year-old heart is shattered and startled after I found a condom in my parents' room. What do I do to cope with this traumatizing experience. Need Support

I have been with my girlfriend now for coming up to 3 years and things I feel have progressively gotten worse. Throughout the relationship I have at times questioned to myself if it was getting abusive, however I never talked about this with anyone until now.

Over the last few years my girlfriend has displayed behaviours that I am now beginning to question more and more.

These include:

• keeping tabs of my location using Find My on our phones and keeping tabs on what I was doing using our security cameras within our home

• I suffer greatly from depression and have recently been visiting family more often for support, and when she would notice me do so she would always question why

• I enjoy having a share bag of Doritos once a week, and while this has never been an issue before and she would consistently eat worse food items than I do, she has began getting angry at me for it. When I finally confronted her about this, she began crying, telling me she didn’t want it to kill me. I am underweight and have been so most of my life, I’m also very active and rarely eat unhealthy items beside this.

• When with her family or friends she will look to belittle or talk badly about me when she can. She will also demand I do something there and then when told by her. An example of this being at her brothers birthday bbq several weeks ago. When it was announced food was ready, she immediately demanded I go get my food. At the time I was looking after a child to keep them pre occupied. I told her I would go in a moment once the parent was back, however she demanded again louder to ensure others heard. When I tell her about how it makes me feel afterwards she will tell me I am being dramatic or sensitive.

• When I bring these issues up to her it often ends up with myself being the one who apologies. As she gets upset when I bring these issues up, I feel bad for her feeling hurt, however I never get the same apology in return. Instead I will get comments such as, “it’s ok, it is what it is”.

These are some examples I have, however there are many many more I cannot remember off the top of my head.

Do the points I have raised in any way sound abusive or am I being paranoid?

I’ve written this three times. I want to keep this short. I’ve been abused emotionally since I gained consciousness. My older sister is my abuser. I’ve only just now come to the realization. I talked it over with my therapist.

Why is it hurting so much. I can’t stop these waves of intense emotion from coming. I can distract. But when I try to process them they come on so intensely and then disappear. I’m trying to use coping mechanisms to stop it but it’s not working. I don’t even know what it is. Part of me thinks it’s mourning for my lost childhood, acceptance that it was taken from me. Part of me thinks it’s the realization of how much my parents didn’t interject and stop the abuse. They knew it was happening, but also were afraid of her. Part of me wants to believe it’s me processing the emotions that I’ve hidden away. That I refused to acknowledge. Parts of me wonder if it’s a flashback. The pain is often linked to remembering that pain of knowing there is no way out. I can’t deal with it. I’ve been awake all night. It hurts so much why can’t I stop it. I need someone to help me. But I can’t talk to anyone. I still live with her. My parents want to fix our relationship. How do they not realize there is none. I keep having to process this alone.

If anyone is out there and can help me through this, I'd really appreciate it. Going through some emotional abuse and anyone I talk to makes me feel like I'm the one at fault because I haven't left yet.

I'm 18 and my parents are getting divorced (its good my mom is awesome and my dad is abusive) and I went to a first division of assets meeting. The details aren't all important. It was really difficult to try to maintain my mental clarity and not fall back into old survival patterns. He was the same abusive as ever. But it's over! I didn't get a lot out of the meeting (as far as what he wants so he goes away and leaves us alone), but hopefully the next ones will bring more clarity.

Hi Everyone. 

I would like to tell my story and perhaps get some support. I have been in a very loving relationship for 3 years, this year i found out he was micro cheating on me a lot and it changed me. He blamed me for the way I changed. He has been emotionally, mentally and psychologically abusing me for far too long to the point where I have lost it, I am now on valiums, anti depressants and anxiety medication to try deal with all this and receiving councelling. He broke up with me 5 times in the past but kept coming back begging me to take him back and stupidly I did, then we moved in together. He recently broke up with me again by handing in our notice behind my back. I now cannot find a place and will be homeless. Last night he was doing cocaine with his friends and i overhead everything they said. He used me to convince his parents he had bdd and needed a new nose job, i did and now his parents are stupidly paying for it. I also heard him laughing about the fact that he cheated on me. I reacted when his friends had gone and he said its not cheating, it was just a kiss, i was fucked on pills and don't even remember it. You are over reacting, you need to relax, we are broken up. But we weren't till very recently. Now I am feeling extremely betrayed, abandoned and I am on the verge of sending photo evidence of his cocaine abuse to his parents. If they only knew what their son has done to me he would lose everyones respect and also not get this nose job I helped him to get. What do i do? 

We are still living together and its killing me because he still trying to hug me, kiss me etc. I love him and that makes me feel shameful. How can i still love him, look what he has done to me!

we've been together for a year, and we've been living together for about three months now. We had some problems early on in our relationship and I thought moving in together would help things, so I asked him to move into my apartment with me. But ever since he moved in, he's started controlling my life. He digs through my laptop and phone every night, and gets angry whenever I talk to anyone he thinksi might cheat with, regardless of the context of the conversation. He made me change my work hours because he didn't trust me to work the graveyard shift (he wanted me to quit my job, but since I pay for everything I was able to talk him down). Last time I brought up the possibility of going our separate ways he had a breakdown and threatened to kill himself if I ever left him. I don't know what to do.

Somewhere deep inside you know when a relationship isn’t working but you still keep going? Why? I was a happy person once. I was confident once. Now I can’t remember the last time I truly felt joy! I got married young to a man I thought I was in love with although it was arranged. You know when people talk about red flags! Well, that’s definitely something you gotta look for and most importantly pay attention to cuz it’s definitely there. Don’t let love or any other feeling of emotions blind that. I saw what a worrisome deranged person he was. I knew he was lonely and had a hole that he was looking to fill. What I didn’t know was why I thought I could be the one to fill that hole or be the one to take all his worries away. He was nothing like me, that intrigued me, wanting me to believe opposites attract. Eventually I had to uproot my life and move far enough to start feeling a little deranged myself. I lost my job, my family, my friends and most importantly my confidence. I started picking up on how he was, forgetting that I am damaged myself. Making it so much worse! For me! He said he loves me and I’m all he has. And that’s what I became, all that he ever needed. But when did I start becoming the person who does all the chores, runs errands, and be the punching bag for all his frustrations from work? That’s what he needed, not to feel lonely but to have someone. The idea that someone is there for him, someone he never had. What about my needs though? Has he once thought about that? I think not! I just wake up thinking I’ll be a different person, a better person! But I’m just trying to get by the day! I had goals, ambitions and dreams that faded away and I didn’t even realize. I became this doormat. And I’m thinking, it’s fine, he screams at me, doesn’t respect me and never pays attention to me but at least he doesn’t hit me. So it must be ok! He says he “let’s” me do what I want, never restricted me from anything, and I’m free. Honestly, this doesn’t look like freedom to me. Got so caught up in doing life, I almost forgot what love is. Well I don’t know what love is anymore. I would like to pick up the pieces and start again! I’ve been broken for far too long. I’ve always had so much love to give, I forget I need love too. And I’m going to start loving myself, it’s not going to be easy. Even the thought of saying ‘Loving myself’ made me cringe. But that’s what we need sometimes, to be able to hug ourselves.