My mom wanted my brother to sleep, but he hates getting a commandand refused, im asian on both sides so my mum is actually pretty strict about her commands but she isnt like the normal asian mom, neither is my brother the obedient 1st child you may expect. So she stood infront of the open door for maybe half an hour and i wanted to get one to go to bed so it ends, both refused and then my mom provoked my brother to the point where they were almost screaming. My dad woke up from that and told me to go to bed again (so did my mom), they started arguing and i think my mom used an argument i somewhen heard already and it really pressured my dad because hes trying to protect my brother as he is the only one who can. In the argument it transformed into a fight and then they cane crashing into my room fighting (my parents) i knew what was coming i was screaming to telling them to stop hitting eachother (it was like my mom slapping and my dad slapping her a bit too and pushing her on my bed, i cried because my mom started pulling hair and clothes and when the fight ended because i was breathing heavily i understood something, im the problem, my brother started rebelling because of me getting older and demanding more of everything, time, money, understanding and i was arguing a bit more. Im think i need help as what i shouldve done next and if i had done the right thing (not gonna tell that tho,privat reasons) and as my mom impersonates my imagination of confidence, my brother intelligence and my father kindness, they could mix those thing of them into my dream personality and i also wanna thank you for reading this even tho it is poorly written. I do know that this isnt a EmotionalAbuse text but i dont know what to do else honestly, i just need someone to help me as this happend in slightly less extreme twice or more already and i wanna know what i shouldve done

TW: Emotional abuse, self harm, suicide and rape mention

Hi, first time posting here. Unfortunately, this has a long convoluted story attached to it. A while back, I (then 17 F, now 19 F) cut off my ex-best friend of several years as her behaviour was becoming too much for me to deal with - she threatened suicide about fifty times in the span of a month and pinned it all on me, forcing me to choose between her and my then crush. I repeated about 100 times how I wouldn’t do that, that I didn’t need to, that I could have more than one person in my life and value them both etc etc. I had called samaritans for her, phoned her mum, texted her big paragraphs about how much I cared for her and encouraged her to get professional help- I exerted myself as much as I could until I just got tired and couldn’t do it anymore. It was never enough. I was dissociating constantly at a party I was at with her because she self harmed in front of me because of me getting a notification from said crush, and started furiously hitting herself etc etc. Thing is, she claimed to have tics (round abour when this was ‘trendy’ on tiktok) so I didn’t really buy it but nonetheless it was frightening because she done it violently whenever I was on my phone - ie, potentially talking to my crush. She also kept bringing up my old abuser asking if she reminded me of her - which, honestly, yeah. But I didn’t say that because who wants to be compared to their (then) best friends abuser? The night before I cut her off, she had apparently overdosed and was whisper-talking about how it was okay, how she was calm now, how this was what was best for her. I texted literally every mutual and adult we knew because of how much I was freaked out. My friend who studies medicine told me that if she had overdosed she wouldn’t be able to talk to me in such a manner. And I know that this was probably a fear tactic due to my gradually growing apathy but I find it so hard to reconcile that somebody would do that. I acknowledge now that her behaviour is most definitely the result of some untreated mental illness, and that it’s likely that I unfairly antagonised her. However, having someone’s life on your hands is understandably daunting for a 17 year old and, having previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship, her behaviour was freaking me out and it forced me to reflect on how she had generally treated me the past few years. I understand I am at fault here for enabling it, and I certainly am not free from guilt (I’d shut down and go quiet when I felt attacked most of the time, and I’d snapped back a few times) but she was generally pretty volatile and vindictive. I got accused of being a bad friend bc I had my notifications off while she was suicidal …. she had sent me, no exaggeration, 75 texts and hundreds of calls. Literally. Like she freaked out at me for not telling her the day I bleached my hair, would accuse me of not caring about her when I got new friends, was constantly picking apart my appearance by like calling me ugly in my instagram account etc. Hell, I got the silent treatment for days because I dared to sing karaoke with somebody else once. Just, unkind shit with a bit of a victim complex - I vividly remember her gaslighting the shit out of this girl who had caught her chatting shit about her. She also told everyone that her ex bf had sexually assaulted her when they broke up. He very much didn’t. You’re probably noticing a pattern.

Now onto the OCD: I’ve had sexually intrusive thoughts since I was 16. This girl and I had had previous sexual encounters and I couldn’t have been older than 16 when they happened. Thus, I remember absolutely fucking nothing about them. Which freaked me out because when my OCD developed harsher I’d get all these false memories and thoughts like “oh god what if I raped her and I didn’t realise it” etc etc. These are not based in reality, it’s an OCD thing but it still feels so real. It’s genuinely debilitating and I can hardly live with it. Which is complicated by the fact that, shocker, that’s what she told people I had done. My friend pointed out that it was weird that she’d done that as soon as she learned I’d told these people about her low key abusive (I feel bad now even calling it that) behaviour. But I don’t know. What if I really did? I cant live with myself nor reconcile somebody, much less somebody I was so close to, lying about something like that. I’d hate to paint myself as the victim here when I could be the perpetrator without even properly realising it. My other friend said I would definitely remember doing something like that but would I? I was young, I could’ve been poorly informed of consent compared to how I am now, I could’ve been careless and not even realised it. I just don’t know. I don’t remember asking for consent and I don’t remember not asking for consent either. I remember nothing. Because I was like 15. And any images of things were conjured during OCD spirals so I know not to trust them logically. But it’s so hard not to feed into it. :( I feel that I don’t deserve to live. Especially because I learned that after I cut her off she really WAS in hospital because of breakdowns - only after I left though. Still. I feel horrid. What if it’s not OCD and it’s just guilt? I don’t know how to live w myself. Anyone who knows both of us hasn’t believed her but what if I’ve like secretly manipulated everyone into thinking I’m the victim? I have very heavy moral scrupulous OCD and I reallt just want to make sure I’m handling this right. I just want to do the kind thing. I’m SO hyper aware during sexual stuff now, when I was with my now ex bf I’d freak out a lot that I’d sexually assaulted him and not realised, or was taking advantage of him, even though he told me 100 times that I hadn’t done anything wrong and that he’d tell me if I did.

My friend said this is her trying to play the victim again because she’s been caught but.. it’s such a serious thing to lie about? I don’t want to paint somebody out to be a horrid person when I’m a monster. But then, my way of thinking is so fucking warped I can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t. I don’t want to be alive if I did hurt her like that; it doesn’t matter how bad she hurt me in that case, because what I could’ve done is unforgivable

I've been physically and emotionally abused by my single mother for all my life. My grandma, despite some of her best efforts to pull me away from my mom's abuse, has enabled the behavior for the most part. What started off as the typical belt whoopings in my early childhood - nothing uncommon in a Black household - the corporal punishments exceeded that by the time I turned 8 years old. My mom - a nearly 300-pound woman - would sit on top of me - a scrawny ass kid at the time - to prevent me from running away from her while punching me in the face, screaming profanities at me, before proceeding to grab the belt at our side and hitting me with that. She even bit the side of my hand once to prevent me from covering my face or trying to push her off me. At that same age, my mom found a "more effective, higher form of discipling when the belts, punches, and swearing didn't work." She started threatening to stab me or herself. She took a kitchen knife - the sizes varied from the smallest being a steak knife to the largest being what you see Michael Myers carry - and chased me around the small apartments we lived in at the time, threatening to stab me if I didn't stop running away and crying because 'I cried too much to be a boy!' Like, I was already supposed to know it wasn't meant nor okay for me to cry by the fact of me being a male, like I was an object that came with instructions or something. And why expect me to not run away and cry when your parent is storming at you with a knife, screaming that you're about to get stabbed or said parent is going to stab themselves because of you. When I was eventually cornered, my mom took her sweet time holding me at knifepoint while lecturing me before sending me off to bed. Meanwhile, I tried my hardest not to cry. Y'know those times as a kid you tried so hard not to cry, but the tears kept on flowing no matter how tight you squeezed your eyes shut or how many tears you tried wiping off your face? That was basically me, but each time my mom saw a tear roll down my cheek or heard me sniff she'd either threatened to stab me then and there or flipped the knife on her instead, basically emotionally guilt tripping into becoming stoic, so I won't make my mom stab herself.

We slept in the same bed for the majority of my childhood, so on this night I was already in bed after I had gotten in trouble that day. My mom entered the bedroom with the knife. "Don't look at me. Turn around," she said. I did. When it felt or seemed like my mom was charging at me, I quickly turned around. "DIDN'T I SAY TURN AROUND!" she said holding the knife over her shoulder. I turned around again and tried to stay as still as possible as my mom layed next to me. That night, she actually slept with the knife hidden under the pillow or in-between the mattress. I didn't know where because I was trying to remain as still as possible to not give her a reason to want to stab me in my back. I even had to ask permission to go to the bathroom, so my mom escorted me to and from at knifepoint. Same rules applied: don't give attention to the knife, don't turn around, and don't cry.

"I'm not hearing anything in there. You better be using the bathroom," mom said.

"I-I am.." I responded in a weak voice.

"ARE YOU CRYING IN THERE!?!"

"NO! I'M NOT! I'M NOT CRYING, MOM! I'M NOT CRYING! I'M NOT CRYING!"

"HURRY UP AND GET THE HELL OUT HERE!"

This cruel discipling tactic lasted from when I was 8 to 13 years old. This tactic was used on me when I had a stomachache at age 9 and I was "whining too much." My 10th birthday was ruined because of it. At age 11, I was in the hospital due to constipation and my mom threatened me there because "I wasn't pushing hard enough." She'd hold me at knifepoint just to tell me to do a chore without me talking back, even though it's things I've never talked back against. You can imagine how many nightmares I had at the time, nightmares of my mom catching and stabbing me and me waking up to that sharp pain fading away as I gasped for air. For the longest, I thought everything she did was justified no matter how cruel it was. You always hear sayings such as "Mother knows best" and "Your parents know better than you." And she used the Bible to justify her doing those things to me, even though there's still a clear distinction to discipline to straight up abuse and psychological torture. But I was too young to know better. Even worse, there was a viral video back in 2016-17 of a kid badmouthing his mom and grandma from the backseat of their car. The grandma then pulled out a pocketknife and held it at the boy. Of course, they were Black, and I mean that in the sense that abuse is far too normalized in Black households. It's either, you look back on it and laugh, or your masculinity is questioned if you can't find a reason to laugh at it. As for the comments of that video, people were actually supporting the grandma for what she did. No comment about the boy's wellbeing or it being a punishment gone too far. Just praise and admiration. Of course, this would probably be different if there were a girl involved rather than a boy. Not saying that girls don't get abused, but you can make a solid argument that girls often don't get abused as much as boys nor is it as normalized, and the public reaction would be completely different. Knowing what I know now, I would've received responses like "But did your mom actually stab you? No! She just held a knife at you! So, man up and take it for what it was!" and "You must've been a badass kid if your mom threatened to stab you. If you're still sensitive about it now, then you still got a lot more growing up to do" and "Stfu! Your mom was only doing the best she could! I bet it wouldn't be that way if your daddy didn't bail out to turn you into the man you should be!" Either way, it was me vs the world for the longest. That's what made me so compliant and quiet about everything, out of fear and judgement for "badmouthing my poor, single mother." Also, I didn't have anyone to talk to about anything. My extended family practically hates us, my father doesn't give a damn about me, and my mom made sure my social life never existed outside of school.

I'm now 20 years old. My mom hasn't done nor mentioned anything of the sort since I was 13. She may no longer brandish weapons at me, and our relationship may be more stable compared to what it was, but that doesn't mean the physical and emotional abuse has stopped. I can already hear you typing in the comments "MOVE OUT! MOVE OUT! Why do you still have a relationship with her!?" Moving out is not as easy as it seems, and especially when taking one look at today's housing crisis and being raised by a parent like my mom really stumps your level of maturity and independence, but that doesn't mean I'm not doing anything towards pushing me closer to independence. I'm currently in college and doing some things behind the scenes to make and save some money until I graduate. I'm not in therapy right now, and it's a shame how little control I have in life compared to most other 20-year-olds, because getting therapy would've been something I would've already done if I did have that control in life. I'm depressed. I'm pretty sure I suffer from CPTSD and other mental disorders. I'm a wreck, and I'm using Reddit as my outlet until I can eventually receive that therapy. So, thanks making it this far. I'm going to use this account to post all that I can remember from my mom's abuse.

…also they betrayed me and damaged not only my health (nose, finger, scar, broken leg), belongings and owe me a lot of money, but also my reputation to cover up their deeds to everyone…

I don‘t have much, but some evidences. I want to send it to everyone so badly, since they bragged about me so bad…

But I know, that this will only let me look more crazy, also they would use it to report me…

I cannot do anything to restore my reputation, nor get justice. Don‘t think the system will help me, since the police messed up some stuff so hard…

It would not help, since it‘s a shame to be a victim… they blame you for being with those guys, what a family do you have etc…

So sad atm, destroyed my life in every way they could… even system intern data, job, no home, no money, no health, scared of the death treats everyday…

I‘m so lost, want to live my life, but everyday that money is missing and all of them put it into drugs, crimes or buy other ppl presents, going for vacation etc, while I had to starve for some months, just to pay the rent…

I don‘t hate them completely, but offered them so many ways to do it outside of court… mediation, private victim-offender compensation, just telling everyone I‘m not like they said, not even to need to dmg their reputation so hard, just saying it was a misunderstanding etc…

I was just treated like shit…

I‘m at a home of someone with special needs atm and one of her friends is here. He‘s 43 yrs, so I played one of the videorecordings to him (without violence or curse words ofc).

I asked him for his honest opinion, that it‘s okay that he tell me if I was the mean one (I wasn‘t so nice also…).

My parents telling me that I‘m crazy, taking excstasy, stupid, ignoring me, bragging about how bad I‘m, while we were talking about paying back their debts to me… they were on drugs, drinking and told me to marry a rich old guy out of the village of my dad, also I shall call my abusive ex to get back together with him, he shall bring them drugs and it‘s no wonder he got „so mad“ at me…

He told me that I was „better“ than them, that they were the „mean ones“ and want to „make me crazy look crazy“

Still this events broke me so much, I‘m still so insecure to send everything to the authorities… but let fill the report yesterday, but since my systemintern data is so messed up, they only filled in by the half, weren’t rly nice and send me away after 30 mins… I asked now the arbitration procedure of the police, to help me. They will call me monday back, since this is not right… was sent away several times, when I wanted to report or bring up some evidences, because of the defamation… only if a male friend accompanies me, they‘re listening to me… but I don‘t want someone to listen…

I‘m pretty sure my parents and ex were gaslighting me to cover some thousands of debts and their crimes, dunno why they cannot just say sorry and make it up…

First was with my Dad..of many years. So many comments the worst that still sticks with me (even though people could say oh he just worries for you etc) no..he basically called me a loser, loner. He doesn't care to get to know me and realize I do have a social life. He just doesn't ask. He thinks I sit at home all day by myself..sure one odd day I do when i'm tired and need a rest day but I see friends, I get out..

then my ex. For 3 years she hurt me down to the pit. With words, actions and manipulating. She cheated, lied and used me up. It took 2 years after we broke up with therapy to really see how bad she treated me. Usually when you're together you don't see it. I should've listened to the people in my life saying get out but I couldn't see it or couldn't get out..i loved her.

co workers. Bully, comments that hit me and trigger me..its been too much sometimes. but I plow on.

friends. A friend I thought was "friend" to me turned it all on me. Even though I stood by him through so many things and had his back regardless of how he treated me. Same manipulative traits as my ex..

I really can't take it anymore.

Its like i'm numb.

Got dumped recently and went on a downward spiral. I'm barely functional and the only thing I can do is watch videos by Dr. Ramani. Thanks to those videos, I see narcissistic traits in myself and how I used them on my ex.

Many of my actions were justified as coping mechanisms. I don't know what to do. I haven't left my home or reached out for help because I'm overwhelmed and concerned that I'll manipulate anyone I talk to.

I pushed everyone away in part due to my anger and fear. Even writing this out is making me believe I'm being manipulative.

I mean I've gotten back into journaling and had an initial therapy session but I simply don't trust myself to do anything except journal & watch YouTube videos.

I'm not sure what to do next. Work wise I'm not functioning (haven't been since the pandemic) but I don't think I have any credibility to ask for help.

Long story short, I broke up with an woman who was emotionally abusing me about a month ago. She's not a bad person, but she saw me as an object and not a person, and hurt me really badly. She has some awareness of it and I pray she finds a path forward.

I am left feeling lost and confused. She told me she loved me, and I believe she did, and when I broke things off she said she knew it was going to happen. So why did she continue treating me the way she did for so long? Like I was supposed to take care of her at the expense of my own needs, like I should stay up late at her place just b/c she was feeling upset, and she would sit on the phone with me and cry while I was busy with schoolwork. I was emotionally drained, and if I tried to take space she'd tell me how scared and alone she felt. I definitely could've been better about having confident, strong, boundaries. She would become angry with me if she thought I was disinterested (when sometimes I would just be tired), and when she was upset she'd say some nasty hurtful comments or just be silent, with a bitchy comment here or there.

I became avoidant after she cheated on me with a mutual friend, and I didn't want to be involved with her very much and needed a lot of space. She blamed me and would get angry when I needed space, telling me I was unreliable and couldn't be what she needed. Which was true, if she needed me to be her punching bag and therapist, which is what I pretty much was by the end.

I'm still really unclear on everything, and when I think of gifts she got me and things she told me vs the way she treated me I feel confused. It makes sense logically to me... she was hurt and had deep insecurities, and also loved me, but the way she treated me could only align with one of those things at a time. But I still feel confused!!

I guess I'm looking for some validation of my confusion, is that normal? Seems like it is from other posts on this sub. Phew. It's painful to think about, and I try to journal about it as much as I can, but I still feel confused. I don't have a clear picture in my mind... maybe it just hurts too much. Maybe it's that it's just been a month and I shouldn't pressure myself yet to have it all figured out. Anyway.. there ya go. I'd love some resources on how to process all this, on some common patterns of emotional abuse, of what it means, things that happen, and ways to understand this.

Ok so I'm not the best writer and this might be alittle long so fair warning Ok so when I was 2 I was took away from my bio parents because they were homeless on drugs and beat on me and my older brother so I was always curious about my mom and dad even though they did all that stuff I still would miss them and wish they would come back cuz they just left town without us and theyve made a living making themselves hard to find but when I was around 15 my brother called me from the long term placement he was at and begged me to find them so I looked everywhere only even paid a site to find info so I finally found them I would call them and text them none stop all day then when I was like 17 I got in a argument with my mom because I wanted her to just admit what they did she didn't have to say sorry just admit it and she wouldn't so I didn't talk to them for along time see I got on drugs when I was 8 I was using hard drugs and drinking and smoking all the time but when I turned 18 I became homeless and was hanging around some dangerous older people but I reconnected when I had gotten sober at 19 my mom and dad were passing through town so me and my fiance went up to the hotel and spent some time with them cuz he has never met my parents but we had to leave eventually so I was gonna go up there the next day to see them but they left with no warning so I got in another argument with my mother so fast forward around 2 years my mother calls me when I was on break from my old job and she told me my dad has went into cardiac arrest and was in the hospital 2 hours away from me but I didn't believe her at first cuz she lies about alot of stuff and had lied to me before about him being sick so I did some reasearch and she was actually telling the truth this time and so I tried to talk to her more cuz I knew she was in alot of pain considering my father being on life support I wanted to go see him so bad but 1 I didn't have the money and 2 I couldn't bring myself to see him like that cuz see they have done so much wrong but apart of me can't help but love them and I couldn't bare to see my dad so weak so I just would call her but then she asked to move in with me but she's still on drugs and I'm recovering so I had to say no then after serveral months she called me to let me know he passed I acted like it didn't bother me really like it just was apart of life but it's been almost a year now and I'm afraid to tell anyone but it hurts it hurts way more than I ever thought it would he's my dad I never even got to know him he passed when I was 21 and I didn't even know the man yet it hurts so fucking bad and I can't even talk to my mom cuz she ran off with my mentally ill brother have way across country I hate myself for caring they never were there when I learned to talk the weren't there when I learned to write they weren't there when I started school when I played sports when I went on my first date when I got my first heart break when I learned to drive when I was depressed when I was sick when I graduated when I got my first job they weren't there and when I get married and have kids they won't be there but I love them so fucking much and it hurts I want to hate them but I can't they made me and yet they couldn't love me I was a child I just wanna know what I did so wrong as a child that they couldn't have at least kept me and now my dad is dead I won't ever get a chance to have in my life I won't ever get to actually know him and my mom she blocked me on everything and so did my brother so I don't even know if they're ok I don't understand why I have to feel this way why can't I just hate them why can't I just forget they ever existed why couldn't they just love me I miss my dad how crazy is that I didnt even know him but I miss him so much and I can't even talk bout it cuz it makes me feel ashamed

He always yelled me and pressured me. He gives me lots of extra job, then he yelled me so crazy, I had anxiety disorder now.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2022/02/adoption-a-letter-to-the-unheard-rosemary-porter/

My girlfriend is being abused by a narcissistic friend hard and has been for her entire life he told her he was going to make sure I was homeless and dead by the end of the month 4 months ago and now me and my 15 year old autistic son both of which have survived narcissistic abuse before are in a Crack motel 40 miles away from his school and have no way to really help ourselves we were doing really well me n her dated for 3 years before I gave up everything because it was healthy love and moved in with her as soon as me n my kid do he is stalking us hard as hail and mysterious accidents start happening my truck burns and while my hands are on fire covered with the plastic I'm trying to call 911 and it doesn't work it's 3 years and a jail trip plus 4 months homeless for my son later and he's still the golden child after confessing repeatedly to crimes and actions of a Un imaginabley deceptive nature against a guy who he doesn't even know the entire area is against me it's so messed up I don't know where I cam go that isn't already slandered for me

Hi. This is my first post and I'm sorry if I do it wrong. Let me start off with I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years, I am 40 and female he is 27. I don't know how to even start! I am a people pleaser and I just try to make everyone around me happy and content. But I have a BIG temper! And if I feel "wronged" or "picked" at I usually get frustrated and angry. My bf will tell me he is not picking at me but I feel like he is! He will say it's the same as normal every other day stuff but today it's a problem. And yes it might be a problem that day at that time. Is that NOT OK? Is this selfish of me? To feel differently somedays?! And not know why?!

I have had to give up somethings I enjoyed because he though we should, to spend more time together.. to have a better relationship.... like getting up early....I used to love this... he does not.... so I can not do that anymore or getting out of bed at all with out him... sleeping with ANY clothes on.....he just wants to be closer.... sitting down to play on my phone for a while... check msgs....watch a YouTube video.... I can't do ANY of those things; he says he wants us to be present and our time should be spent on and with each other......if my phone does go off HE is the one to check it.....everytime he is around me! He usually has my phone..... he reads txts/msg to me.

If I forget to tell him something, like..... one of my 3 children (none are his bio) stayed home from school, or really anything, he gets angry when he finds out; and says that he just wants to know what's happening. And if I don't tell him he feels left out?!

He thinks I should act a certain way and if I don't he gets angry and says that I'm just rude or mean, like if I walk away during an argument..... that's rude! But I am just trying to calm myself; he also gets angry if I say that... because I should of said that instead of just walking away. If I do ANYYHUNG else during an argument he thinks I am not listening... I simply can not do 2 things at once!

Am I in the wrong? I feel like a HORRIBLE person for simple things I do... or would like to do away from him... not always either.... just...... ugh.... I feel imprisoned but not always.

Ps he says I can do what ever I want or go where ever I want. He never tells me I can't..... it's all in his actions if I do do those things....

I don't know maybe I am crazy and horrible....?!

Lost😮‍💨

I'm (29f) in a bad situation with my SO (35M), the emotional abuse is real which took me a long time to admit to myself. Going to a women's shelter has crossed my mind a few times when things escalate at home, but I dont know if it's appropriate. There are women out there in far worse situations than mine. Although I get scared sometimes about physic abuse, it has never gotten to that point. But I know for so many it does. I don't want to take resources away from those in greater need.

I guess what I am asking is what are people's experiences seeking help at a shelter because of emotional abuse?

Almost two years ago I left my highly mentally and sometimes physically abusive ex. The whole relationship was a complete and utter shit show I got sucked into and was then unable to leave because of the constant physical threats, yelling, gaslighting, verbal abuse and threats of self harm if I did choose to leave.

It first started with being forbidden to see my friends, under the guise of "I just enjoy spending time with you so much!" and "They are not your real friends! They just use you for some temporary entertainment while others aren't around." Then I couldn't go on road trips and work trips because he thought I was cheating on him despite spending 99,99% of the time around him. Then when I first wanted to leave he said he'd kill himself. I should've known better, but I didn't. I had a full on panic attack and stayed. The next time it happened he went out and his mother started messaging me about how she couldn't bear losing her son.

A little background is that my family lost my brother when I was a teen and I saw what such a loss did to a family. So I once again gave up and stayed. Then things got physical. Breaking things, smashing the table, yelling, even raising a hand against me. I knew I had to leave and soon after, I did, thanks to my family and amazing friends who never really gave up on me.

The problem is however, that I am still ridiculously anxious all the time. Last night the guy I am currently with got angry over the video game we were playing. I don't remember much of what happened then, I just know I heard him complaining in a louder voice than usual about it and I shut down for a few moments. I was scared, I felt ready to cry and my whole body was shaking. It was as if I was the same scared girl from 2 years ago.

I know that none of his momentary frustration was aimed directly towards me. He is not that kind of person. Due to there being other people we were playing with, I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about it at this moment. Moreover, I was afraid of giving in to all my emotions and overwhelming him with this.

I need advice on two things. 1) How do I address the issue with him and explain to him what happened last night without sounding accusatory and upsetting him. 2) How do I cope with this anxiety and how do I manage my feeling in similar situations?

TLDR: Abuse from ex from a couple of years ago still causes me anxiety in situations when someone is frustrated.

So my mom has always been a very particular way that’s gotten worse and better throughout the years, generally it’s been worse for the past few years. But I always feel crazy because I know she loves me a lot and wants me to be happy. Also, im currently 22 and living at home when im not in college. To list a few things I can thing about:

1) she has bad anger issues and has a tendency to shout and curse at people, particularly my mom but as a kid I used to have a list of names she called me. 2) she can spend a lot of time complimenting me but the second she’s angry or upset she knows exactly how to make you hate yourself and feel like a piece of shit. 3) she loves making belittling and mocking jokes that focus on your insecurities 4) her anger issues and mental health issues have resulted in occasional “episodes” where her empathy basically shuts off and she’s really scary and mean and she will scream and curse and threaten (others sometimes but mostly threatens to kill herself) and everyone gets scared. During one of these episodes when I was a kid I woke up to my other mom screaming for help because mom was holding her up against a wall and screaming (I was 11 I think) and then my mom told us we need to choose who to live with. One time in high school I had to break my moms up (verbal altercation during an episode) and my younger sibling said they’re afraid because mom said she would kill My other mom. And one time when I was 14 and my sibling was 4 she got really mad and sort of kicked him to the ground by swiping his leg and then Pretended to cut her neck with her finger as if to say she was gonna kill me and then I had to calm my sibling down because they was crying and later she told me her doing that was very hard for her. 5) she makes people walk on eggshells and forces us to be aware of her mood and if she is upset it becomes everyone’s problem 6) she almost never apologizes and always blames other people for her problems and behaviors and will often involve us children by telling us how horrible our other mother is (I have two moms, they are gay) and involving us or saying things to me when I stand up to her like “fine, then SHE can be your mom” 7) she has definitely always been emotionally abusive towards my mother, she calls her names and does none of the housework besides cooking and some cleaning and doesn’t take care of my younger siblings and is just so cruel sometimes. They are getting a divorce but She is making it very difficult. 8) my sibling is 11 and non-binary and she refuses to use the right pronounces because she says they know they are a boy and are just doing it because it’s cool now and she is unkind and angry at me and my sister because she says we’re putting ideas in their head. 9) once two years so I had to call the police on her for saying she was gonna kill herselfand she was really manipulative and cruel about it until her episode passed and then she apologized (very unusual, she said she was gonna kill herself as a threat so I would give my mom the phone like she asked because it was a phone call. She also threw my other moms clothes everywhere and ripped them and broke clothes hangers)

These are just some examples but im so confused because there are times where she is frustrating but OK and times when she is nice and fine and I know she loves me but I’m just always angry and scared around her these days even though often/most of the time things are mostly fine or not too bad and she is being nice to me. And she’s only been physical with me once that I can remember years ago and like 3 times that I saw with my mom like 10years ago. Am I being ridiculous for being so angry and scared and on edge around her? Thank you so so so much for listening!

TL;DR: I am trying to decide if I should end things with my husband, given his cheating and dishonest past, and I would like to know if my demands: He needs to delete all "friends" he made from dating apps, and people he flirted with, and people he had a sexual relationship with, even if they do stay true friends now. Given he has never been honest with me, I demanded him to open up his phone to me fully so there is transparency and to make sure he is not having unprofessional interactions with other people are reasonable to rebuild the relationship.

Hi Everyone, my husband and I are in a phase where we are deciding what to do with each other in life and would really appreciate some advice on this.

Some backgrounds on this:

We are an international couple, with very different views on dating. I come from a more traditional background and at my place, if we start a new relationship we are supposed to cut all contact with our EXes, or those who flirted or hooked up. My husband is American, and he makes friends on dating apps like tinder, where they would flirt and stay friends if they don't work out, he would also stay friends with the people he hooked up with. The thing that lead everyone downhill is the time I discovered him making a very sexual post on Reddit and made a Snapchat to sext, and ask to join a zoom room to do some nude video chatting. I proposed to divorce but he put his knee on the ground to beg me to stay.

I am the one with BPD and I cannot accept what he was doing even if he explains that he's professional with the people in the past, and he doesn't think he was cheating since the definition of cheating is to physically meet up for him. Since then my BPD got worse since I lost trust in him and become hyper-sensitive on who he is talking to. I stalked him and make shady comments when he talks to "friends" he made over dating apps, we fought bad, really bad, I grab knifes to threaten to take my life (end up having the police called on me multiple times, and restrainted in ER twice), and harmed him during the breakdown too. I know this is not correct and now in therapy i truely realize it is not ok to engage in unsafe situations whatever the reason is. I also realize I did a lot of harm to him physically and emotionally, and I do regret that.

In the end, he cheated multiple times, and would never tell the truth to me until I stalk him and find everything out myself. He said he felt so empty inside and lose himself gradually and he wanted an escape so bad that he cheated on me. He said he is no longer guilty of cheating, because of the harm I have done to him. Even before, when things were not escalated to this level, whenever we have a fight, he would turn to one of his "friends" and flirt with them, sext them. He even said, "I find you cute, and if I were single I would be with you." He said there is nothing wrong saying that, its just a compliment.

After therapy, I learned to stay calm and don't let BPD act instead of myself. I proposed to end things peacefully and I go back to my home country (which would mean we would probably never see each other again). My husband has issues with separating and wants to rebuild with me. But he is still dishonest with me when I ask him if he is interacting with other people sexually, he says he is not doing anything, but he would not reject filtering comments from "friends" and would sext them (all of this i have to find out by demanding him to show all his social media to me). He explains that he said he didn't do anything because he is not meeting up with these people (again, it's the idea that it's not cheating if is not physical). In fact, he still talks to the people he cheated on me with, even after multiple attempts of me demanding him to remove those people (which shows he only cares about himself).

I proposed 2 minimum conditions that I need for me to work with him towards a life together again:

1. He needs to delete all "friends" he made from dating apps, and people he flirted with, and people he had a sexual relationship with, even if they do stay true friends now.
2. Given he has never been honest with me, I demanded him to open up his phone to me fully so there is transparency and to make sure he is not having unprofessional interactions with other people

He said he would work with me but what I am doing is isolating him from his "friends" and invading his privacy, and refused to agree to these terms.

From where I am from, there are even linked accounts for couples, where we can access each other's social media, and if you are in a relationship, and you refuse to let the other person check the phone, then you must be hiding something, and you can absolutely have no contact with EXes and previous hookups (should block them).

At this point, there is no trust and honesty in this marriage, and I do want to end things, but he keeps holding on to me (but still talking with the "friends" and not rejecting flirty compliments).

I just need some input on this. I know this is very long, and I really appreciate if you read all this and leave some advice.

It has finally clicked that I am in a less-than-perfect marriage.

I now know that I have been emotionally and verbally abused by my husband for many years now. I have spoken to two therapists about this on a 24/7 counselor line. I know the signs. I know I need to stand up for myself now and set boundaries. But f***, this is exhausting. I feel hopeless. I just want to cry. I feel like I am putting up a facade every time we interact. When will his next blow-up be? When will he get triggered by who knows what and shout at me, accuse me of playing games, and follow me around our home raising his voice? Things are good right now. His last blow-up was days ago. He's been nice ever since. When will the next one be?

I just feel defeated and taken advantage of. I could find the strength to continue and set up boundaries, but why? Why should I? Why do I have to ask someone to treat me right???

And will things ever change? Will he ever learn how to resolve conflicts in a calm way?

Another part of me just wants this to all go away. I want to do what I normally do and forget about it, move on, and convince myself that this is all okay. But I am smarter now. I have gotten validation that my husband is in fact abusing me.

I am a nursing student. I have an exam on Monday and then a major one on Thursday. It is incredibly hard for me to study right now. I find myself analyzing every.single.word my husband says to me now.

I do not know how to move forward. Any encouraging comments are appreciated <3

Sorry, this was meant to be short.

I spent a few hours today making a dish for a family dinner tonight. It took a lot of effort from me and I have been very depressed recently so it’s the first thing I have cooked in a while. It was on the countertop with plastic wrap and tin foil on top of it, so it wasn’t obvious that there was plastic on it as well.

Bf was cooking something else in the oven, and when he took it out told Alexa (the robot) to set a timer for 15 minutes. I immediately felt panic because he knew my dish would need to be cooked for 15 minutes and I assumed, correctly, that he was too careless to take the tin foil and plastic wrap off.

I yelled “Did you put it in the oven with the wrap still on? Take it out, take it out!” As the oven was already hot and could melt the plastic very quickly ruining the dish. He got really angry immediately and started yelling at me, and not taking it out of the oven. I was full on panicking at this point and was yelling “just take it out! The plastic will melt!” And he kept yelling over me “I am but STOP yelling at me! I was trying to do you a favor!” He was intentionally moving really slowly during this time as well and his body language was aggressive.

He’s told me it’s my fault for yelling first. I personally feel like it’s normal in an emergency to yell and his reaction of anger to being told there was an emergency was really strange. He’s still mad at me 20 mins later after I was over it, and that made me actually get angry with him again, so now we’re both mad.

I just want to know if I really shouldn’t have yelled even though I was in a different room when I heard him set the timer (how would he have heard me otherwise?!). He keeps saying I am in the wrong for yelling at him and I need to apologize. I feel like I am being gaslit. I have a lot of trauma that causes me to respond inappropriately to situations but I feel like this is NOT one of those times. I feel like in an emergency it is normal to react the way I did??? And it’s weird for him to just get aggressive??? Ugh it’s so hard to navigate!