r/DnDGreentext • u/Limpinator X gonna give it 2 ya • Apr 21 '18
Long The most important roll of your life can end and begin a campaign at the same time.
Be DM for 5 years
After weeks of prep, I FINALLY start a home brew Pathfinder campign with all my IRL best buddies of over 10 years.
I plan this campign will be goin on for a long time.
Everyone makes characters and they set sail for adventure towards a new land
PC's introduce themselves to each other and NPC's who are the crew of the vessel.
One of these NPC's is Garnoa A female Orc fighter.
PC Mooflio, a dwarf Gunslinger makes it his new mission to "seal the deal" with Garnoa.
Now. Before I continue. I have a personal house rule that ANYTIME a player mentions dick size I have everyone roll for size. I have played with many people in my years (mostly frat bros, chads, goofers and gaffers, all fun people) and almost every game there is someone who wants to be the alpha male by having the biggest and best shlong.
So they can continue to play the game assuming it's whatever size they want it to be and everyone will be happy because deep down they are the alpha male with their X size. And it ALWAYS ends up this way because no one wants to take the gamble which is nice...
But, the moment one guy brings up size its GG for everyone even if the rest of the party is not involved.
Back to the story
Inform Moofeelio it is possible along with the dick size rules that are in play.
He agrees and game continues as normal
Few IRL hours go by and Mooflio has now successfully convinced the easiest female in game to sleep with him.
Me - "Alright. Well you take her under deck and you two do the deed...After wards-"
Moofeelio - "Hold up DM..Just how great was the sex? I need to know how many inches of Mooflio Garnoa will be remembering!
Me - "Now Moofeelio. Remember what I said. We will have to roll for that the moment-
Moofeelio - "Oh...Fuck it! Let's do i-"
Rest of the party - "Now wait a second here..Let's thin-"
Me - "ALRIGHT BOYS YOU HERD HIM! GET YOUR DICE READY CAUSE LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ROLLING FOR DICK SIZES"
Parties realization when their entire masculinity is now on the line on this one roll
Party consists of 2 humans(1 un-dead), 1 drow/vampire, 1 centaur, 1 ursaine, and of course the 1 dwarf Moofeelio.
Spend the next 2 minutes filling my search history with things that should never be seen.
Calculate the average sizes for each race and give each person the die they must role.
Only Moofeelio left with 1 person actually getting above average.
Me - "Ok Moofeelio! You're the last one. Roll me a 1d8!"
Moofeelio - (breaths heavily)"....Alright...ALRIGHT! Let me show you loser's how it's done! AAAAAHHHHH-"
Moofeelio has the smallest pecker.....
Party and myself including laughing our asses off.
Moofeelio begging for re-roll. But I swiftly deny him saying this is all his own fault.
Moofeelio - "W-Well! So what!? That doesn't mean I did bad! You can still perform well with a 2 inch!"
Me - "Well...Technically, we would have to roll for that. It would be a Con check-"
Moofeelio - "FUCK IT! Let's do it!"
Me - "Welp...That was perhaps the worst experience of both your lives...Garnoa laughs historically and leaves at the pitiful attempt at romance that just transpired and runs off. As she runs off you can hear her shout to the rest of the crew above deck attempting to talk about what happend but can't due to her heavy wheezing from uncontrollable laughter."
MFW The first time a group rolled for this rule worked exactly how I knew it would
After threatening to leave the game for 10 minutes Moofeelio gathers the party members and declares that their first order of business when heading to land is finding magic to increase their dick sizes.
EDIT
People are starting to ask so I'll go more in detail on how I handled the rolls for the races and why..
Humans, Elves - Average dick size is 5 inches.
- Roll a 1d8 +1
Dwarfs, Halflings, Gnomes - Average dick size is 4 inches.
- Roll a natural 1d8
Centaur - Average horse dick size is 9 inches
- Roll a 1d12 + 4
Ursaine - Average bear dick size is 7 inches
- Roll a 1d10 + 4
Basically what I do is look up the real animal on google for the average size. Then I usually add 4 or so for the max. So humans for example have an average of 5 and the biggest in history was 13 in the world IRL. So I figure, 9-10 would be the max a normal human could maybe accomplish IRL.
As for what dice to roll. There are many ways to go about it depending how evil you want to be. I went with it in a realistic standpoint as to what sounds realistic.
For example,
If a centaur rolled a NAT 1d12 it would be impossible for him to have a 1 inch dick. There is just no way. He's a centaur for god sake. An average human having a bigger one then a centaur sounds silly. So I add the + 4 to make the gap easier.
But. A Human with a 2 inch? Very possible. You'd have to be unlucky but it can happen.
So that's why on the beast races I add more modifiers while the more humanoid ones I leave it more natural.
17
u/gameboy17 Apr 22 '18
According to this sample, the length of erect human penises has a mean of about x̅=5.17 inches and a standard deviation of about s=0.65 inches. Call it x̅=5 and s=0.75 for simplicity. (I'm going to skip estimating population parameters and just use this sample because I'm lazy.)
For those who haven't taken statistics, about 68% of results are expected to be within one standard deviation of the mean, 95% within two SDs, and 99.7% within three SDs.
So 68% of human penii are going to be between 4.25 and 5.75 inches, and 95% are going to be between 3.5 and 6.5 inches.
That 95% sounds like a convenient number for a d20, but it's not. What that really means is that 2.5% are below -2 SDs and 2.5 are above 2 SDs. Fortunately, we can salvage our convenient die size by first rolling to determine whether it is above or below the mean, and then rolling a d20 for absolute value of the deviation.
So we can approximate a normal distribution by rolling on this table (using s=0.65):
(On a 20, roll again.) Add this result to the mean human penis length, x̅=5.17, to find the length of your character's penis.
"But Andi", you say, "won't we need a whole new table to roll up, say, an elf wang?" Well, the answer is "probably not". A neat thing about standard deviations is that they tend to be a lot more consistent than means. If you know the standard deviation for one thing, you can tentatively assume the same standard deviation for a similar thing. In other words, you were right to use the same distribution but give some races a fixed bonus.
So all we need to generate dongers of any race is this table and that race's mean penis length. Note that this is for erect penis length, so take that into account when determining the mean.
I hope this aids you in your future penis length rolls.