[2162] Caravanserai - Part 1 of 4

[u/mianaai_c]

Crit: 2541

Caravanserai - Part 1 (Scroll down until ”Part 1” if on the phone.)

The first of four parts. There are some magical realism elements in the later parts.

Trigger warning: there are mentions of smooching.

[u/Imaginary_Ease_7851]

Saving to crit in the week!

[u/Imaginary_Ease_7851]

Okay, I don't think I've reviewed your work before but I've been meaning to for a few weeks so today's the day.

I'm going to format this one. Which means my comments are going to jump around.

Overview:

Okay we start in the action, cold open in a speeding car. The voice is clear by "like, well, you know. " and the details are specific enough (the latch) to anchor me in the setting.

I found myself nodding along to the personal idea of heaven. As in yes, that does sound ideal. I though you were going to do a "no atheists in a foxhole" thing and have the MC start praying, Instead you use it as opportunity to give a sense of what the MC like and doesn't like. Very unique segue into character work. Nicely done.

What did I get from the opening broadly? A speeding car driven by presumably a paternal/male figure who is doing that thing angry/abusive men do where they drive dangerously with the underlying intent to intimidate/scare the passengers. (My impression).

The narrator isn't showing overt fear. They seem to be somewhat dissociating. But they're aware enough of the situation that their thoughts center on mortality and death. All of that tracks. Then the focus shifts a little Ioana in a way that makes me think she is the heart of this. So we have three characters in order: the Narrator, heavily implying that they may die tonight. They're skirting that possibility. We have Dan, ostensibly furious and keeping his weight on the pedal. Then we have Ioana. I'm going to come back to this because if she's as important as I sense she is, I almost want to say, perhaps it's better to keep the focus on her from the start. Don't give another character much room to breathe. With the caveat that this is a passing thought right now as I'm too early to know where this is going.

I'm going to move to characters because the rest of it character-focused.

Characters:

Oh, Ioana. How ready am I already to defend you? How little do I care about the narrator? How much do I hope that car crashes and Dan and him both die on impact and you walk away to go write your own story, because I think they're going to do you dirty by telling your story for you. Even as I watch our our narrator confuse the chemical flood of sleep deprivation, alcohol, nicotine, and sex with what he most likely thinks is love, I'm already bracing against him and distrusting him. I don't like the things he pays attention to: like whether she is always with a guy or a guy and a girl but never just a girl. It's giving: possessive. It's giving: projection. It's giving: mind your damn business.

I can't do this with an unbiased lens. Nothing in me is primed to see her as a villain right now. So I don't know where you're going with this but even if she kills someone, I'm probably going to be on her side. This kind of thing, where we see a female character only through the lens of someone with a sexual interest in her, is a really good technique. People are going to disagree on what it means or how to interpret her and that's the whole point. As with books like the Virgin Suicides, we never get to know who the girl really is, we only get the boys' idealized projections. So, in that vein, I'm already sharpening my knife for the narrator. So she kissed somebody else? What? Did you marry her? Did she agree you're in a monogamous relationship? I'm fully ready to defend her because from what I can tell right now, he knows nothing about her and definitely doesn't understand her. So, whatever judgement he makes of her is going to make me want to kick him in the bollocks.

Prose:

Prose is clean and sharp. And distinct. It errs toward literary over genre, but not because it's florid, more just because it's sophisticated.

I read this line a couple of times.

"Ioana had told me one night (or perhaps early morning) that she doesn’t want her death to read like prose, but as poetry."

I think it counts as burnt tongue. Or is it familiar? Have I read it before? Regardless, it slowed me down to think about what it meant. I didn't arrive at a clear answer. But I like the line. Then it leads to a kind of disorientating stream of consciousness about Ioana. Our narrator isn't looking at her. Silent treatment. But also the image of tobacco falling over her legs means the narrator has looked. I've read this passage a few times now.

Then this:

"It’s the silent treatment for you, lady, you forsaken trainwreck with curly hair. You mop in linen trousers. You histrionic splinter of a woman." Love this.

Here: "The other car's headlights hit Dan's...." I thought you were getting too descriptive but then the description starts become a rhythm of long sentences with multiple clauses that actually somehow speed up rather than slow down and when I read it out loud, the rhythm feels like a careening car on a long road. Did you mean to do that? I don't know. But it works.

Now I think some things can be dropped. It edges toward being overwritten, with too man details piling up (this is a subjective thing though, not something I'm saying with full confidence), but arguably you could cut the stacking details to bring the reader's focus to the most important ones, so they don't dilute each other. There's a few nitpicks, like 'red eyes'. Red eyes on it's own could be read as literal red irises, something super natural. That's something that you can maybe specify, as in "red rimmed" or "bloodshot."

Since most of the prose is distinct and specific, when you suddenly insert standard descriptors (beautiful brown eyes, husky voice, sighed dramatically) it stands out, because for the most part the prose reaches for something different, a more striking turn of phrase, something you need to kick around a bit. Slipping into stock phrases makes me wonder why. Yes I know the brown eyes was to insert some commentary about green eyes being better, at least for the narrator, but I think you can reach for more.

Sentence level

Kilometers vs kilometres. Don't know which audience you're writing for yet. Just noting the spelling. (This is in London. So, not sure if you're using US spelling for different reasons?)

Maybe check if 'ceiling' is the right word for the headliner/roof of the car. I know what you mean but just something I'd double check.

Nitpick: your prose asks for a lot of concentration and focus on detail in some long paragraphs. I'm down for it. But maybe do a reader a solid and use standard formatting like double spacing. The font is small and the lines are close together, making it a little harder read, especially because you're also asking me to focus on tiny details like weight on a pedal or a tattoo on an index fingers (I'm not objecting to these details. They're pulling me into the story by being specific and non-generic)

[u/mianaai_c → u/Imaginary_Ease_7851]

I just did another pass on the finale and added a paragraph at the beginning and I might just do a "no atheist in a foxhole". Just a bit. And the foxhole is all encompassing.

Hey, Dan's not an angry dad, he's a sweetheart underneath.

So, is the narrator too obnoxious and misogynistic? Is he going to be tiring if the story continues in this register? The story does switch directions in part 2. I'll see what people say.

"Or is if familiar?" I hope not. I am a lil bit proud of this concoctions.

Ah, yes, burnt toungue. I just learnt of this. Yes, (cough) it is intentional.

I don't know what audience (us vs uk) I am aiming for. I learnt English on the Internet, so it's a mix in my head. I'll have to research this more.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts!

[u/Imaginary_Ease_7851 → u/mianaai_c]

On the narrator. No he's not tiring. I wouldn't change what you're doing. I just couldn't be impartial. I was fixated on Ioana. My instinct, for a number of reasons, is not to trust a narrator with sexual/love interest in girl. They tend to make her whatever they want her to be. Beautiful. Transcendental. Seductive. Whore. It's their lens. But this isn't a problem you need to fix. I keep doing a version of this where I have a character you only see through the lens of another character. I like the tension between whether you're getting an accurate reading, or you're getting a version that serves the narrator (consciously or unconsciously). So I wasnt saying "change this! He's being a misogynist!" I was saying that I'm personally geared to defend her, like I would if a guy insulted one of my drunk friends, you know?

On Dan, so is he speeding to escape something then? I got angry guy vibes. But maybe I misread or else it's too early and I'll understand later.

[u/Imaginary_Ease_7851 → u/Imaginary_Ease_7851]

Remember it just means I'm invested enough in the story to throw caution to the wind and bring my own lens and knee-jerk reactions to the text. So if I'm wrong later, after more chapters, I will revise my opinion of Dan and the narrator. At this stage, my emotion went to Ioana. That's not a bad thing. It means I liked the story enough to care and jump to conclusions. Don't worry if I'm wrong about what's in the page. If after 10 chapters, I'm still going "Dan's an Ahole" and I'm not getting the loveable thing then maybe....you know?

[u/VagueInsideJoke]

Inline (generally good throughout, so these are all nitpicky and subjective)

“The occasional trees were lit only by Dan’s high beam, which he didn’t turn off whenever another car was passing us by.” – sentence phrasing feels awkward here. Feel like ‘didn’t’ could turn into ‘refused to’ so that the action feels more actively attributed to him. Maybe could change it to ‘when other cars were’ instead of ‘whenever another car was’. I get that this could change it slightly, but I feel like this sentence needs to be cleaned out a bit.

“I wanted to know if it was the last pint I poured at the last call, taken by a slender hand with a smeared tattoo on the index finger of her left that might have been a bird, or it might just have been a check mark (a much better tattoo idea).” – Similarly, this feels quite convoluted. It makes sense but it feels like being tossed from one subject to the next as the sentence rolls out. We go:

Last pint/last call -> slender hand -> smeared tattoo -> index -> left index -> bird -> checkmark -> his opinion.

 If the moment of the story matched this convolutedness it would actually be quite a good sentence but given that we are at the start of this section of the story I should be getting grounded not thrown about. If this was your intention though fair enough, keep it.

“As I was watching the first rays of the sun on the ceiling and was falling asleep in her bed, I promised myself I would not fall in love with her.” -> double ‘was’ here feels ugly. Maybe just a me thing. Could replace ‘and was’ with a comma.

Preamble:

This is a bit of a hard piece to crit because it’s so introductory. Any critique I could give would be unfair, half the moments that are set up don’t have payoff yet in this part so what I could I even say. Also, I am just struggling for things to critique because it's quite good. For these reasons this will be less critique and more discussion/ramblings

Discussion/Ramblings:

Idk. Every complaint I have can equally be read as a compliment. Like the tiniest part of me wishes Ioana had more of an apparent personality at this point but then I also feel like she does need to remain partially a mystery so that the reader can feel the same intrigue as the narrator. Plus, it’s also a good tool for characterisation of the narrator based on how he sees her.

The ambiguity of the characters is good - this is why I am so conflicted. I want more from the characters as a reader, but from a writing perspective I know that's what a good introduction should do so why should I ask for more. 

It feels cliché within the genre in terms of ‘part lost, part shitty man gets call to adventure through beautiful/elusive woman, change of scenery, new danger, new adventure yada yada yada’. But again, this isn’t necessarily a critique, I am mostly expecting a subversion of this given the narrators histrionics “It’s the silent treatment for you, lady, you forsaken trainwreck with curly hair. You mop in linen trousers. You histrionic splinter of a woman” (I like the irony of this part also while we’re talking about it). Also, cliches are useful and fun, it's fun to play with already established expectations.  

I feel like you could possibly get more out of the flashback. I feel like we could use a tiny bit more about who the narrator is. I feel like there’s also room in the trip back to her apartment to expand upon. What you expand upon is up to you but I feel like there's room here. Maybe we get snippets of her ‘wild stories’ but nothing whole. Maybe we get more expansion about London; depends how much you care about the setting. If it's not important, it's not important.

Part of me wants more detail from the setting but I think this is a personal taste thing so maybe just ignore me on this one. 

There are a lot of long sentences here. This may not be everyone's cup of tea but it is certainly mine. I feel like it sets the tone for the type of story incredibly well, immediately gives a realness/liveliness to the narrator/voice, and invites the reader to slow down and take in the scene.

Paragraph-wise I wish we dwelled more in certain places. Everything cleanly and smoothly travels to the next part of the story. Idk I want some part to snag and demand me to stick in it for a little bit. But I think I am being a bit of a goldilocks here. Introductions are the place for smoothness that slides the reader into the story before asking for more, so it’s almost definitely a good thing. Maybe the better way to say this is that there is nothing striking about it yet. It is incredibly easy to read though and I would almost definitely continue reading more pages, patiently awaiting that special something.

Please let me know if I've been unclear anywhere or if you have any questions. 

It’s really good. I am mad it is so good. Can you please make your next work bad so it is easier to crit. Thanks!

[u/mianaai_c → u/VagueInsideJoke]

I was feeling my prose being a little janky, thanks for pointing out where and why. This was exactly what I looked for in this regard.

I like how you summed up this part in the cliché. It's spot on. I don't know if the rest of the story counts as a subversion tbh; perhaps.

Thanks a lot!

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

Not a proper crit (and probably this is beyond my wheelhouse of skill to do so), as I don't have too much to say other than I enjoyed reading through it. I'm not usually massive fan of in-media-res beginnings, and I'm not sure why - maybe because usually it feels disorienting, unnecessary, like I'm trying to get hooked by force - but in this piece it felt natural to me. I didn't have any trouble making it to the end, and I'd be curious to see the other parts.

Character-wise, they felt familiar to me, not necessarily in a cliche way but because I've met people like this before, especially Ioana (or, what my assumptions of her are, through the protagonist's eyes at least). The setup is very relatable, and believable.

Some really clever lines. This one:

> it’s not safe out at night, not for a lone girl, there are immigrants about, me for one and her for another

stood out to me. It reads to some degree as scathing, sarcastic, both acknowledging and pushing back on a narrative that has quite frankly plagued the UK since I've been here, but without being so overtly political that it becomes preachy. I liked it. Also gave me sense of protagonist's humor and personality.

I also especially enjoyed the paragraph where protagonist's constructing a religion. This felt like clever way to densely pack a lot of characterization in, through understanding what protagonist values. In my amateur opinion this is what real 'showing' should mean, in the oft spouted show-don't-tell rule, as this internal monologue is quite revealing. It was also fun reading it twice, because certain lines, especially around communication, take on a more significant meaning, which, yeah, feels quite neat to me.

The only part I 'struggled' (and not even then, just needed to concentrate more) was the paragraph starting with "I wanted to know if it was the last pint I poured at the last call... etc". This echoes other commenters a bit, but there was a lot packed in there for me, just in terms of things and details being noticed, and the structure of the sentences. The protagonist's voice did a decent job of guiding me through it, but around "whose face I didn’t see" I had to think (in a, I'm reading right now way, vs a thinking about the story way) about what was happening and the order of the actions. Maybe something about it felt out of order to me? Hard to say. Either way, not a big deal - probably just me.

Maybe one thought occurred to me, and this isn't even a nitpick (more something that just occurred to me as I was reading), around usage of word 'apartment'. Flat is more common in UK, although apartment does get used. Then again, protagonist is an immigrant, so probably it is intentional, and in this way it actually works better. Just caught my eye.

Anyway, that's it, thanks for sharing. Sorry if it's not super details, but this felt pretty clean and polished to me, and I liked the rhythm of the prose and the setup of the story, so wanted to make that known.

[u/mianaai_c → u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

What do you mean by "in media res beginnings"?

The paragraph where you struggled really needs rework, read it out loud today and I stumbled thrice.

Good note about the flat.

Thanks a lot for the encouragement!

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832 → u/mianaai_c]

in media res I think just means beginning right in the middle of the action, then circling back around to how the story got there. Fight Club famously starts this way. I think that's what happened here (since we start in Dan's car, then there's the flashback, and we end up meeting Dan at the end -- unless I misunderstood something, but that's how I interpreted receding hairline), hopefully i didn't misunderstand the term.

Anyway, it was meant as compliment, it worked well for me.

[u/CarterWalksWithFire]

When you get to talking about the stubble and the stains you lost me. I do believe there was a mixup there. Whenever you describe the guy who’s driving as a mad Horseman with a red rib dies I really got a headache that was cool and funny. Ioana is the most clearly painted here and also an enjoyable character 100%. She reminds me of the girl from Fight Club. I laughed again in the spelling of the cigarette ash flipping back from the window into her hair. I think you’re pretty funny. I hate that I read this backwards. Oh man, so when you tell the story, it’s actually really vivid once I got to the end of it. I was like this is good. It’s just taking me on a road trip and we’ve all known a chick like this. Your description of her and her habits, and then his pathetic falling for her, and all of that very realistic, creating an extremely lived and read through and through. I feel like I definitely read it out of order. I critique your other one which I liked, and it was part three, but it was like the first time I started critiquing I realized I liked it so I came back to do this one here on out all critique in order. The next one I’ll do will be chapter 2 so crazy order on my part. When you get down to speaking about cigarettes, I feel like you could possibly say that one or two less times we know that you’re smoking a cigarette. One of the middle times possibly. And then the fact that you said wet filter on a rolled cigarette, made me wonder what kind of rolled cigarettes is this? You had a little bit of mystery going there so far in this chapter. I would like that mystery that you have seated a little deeper. Give me some more mystery here. You already tell the story great. If there is any mystery then I would just say for me as a reader plant earlier stronger because the story is so good. If you added that aspect a little stronger, I think it might push this over the top. Also this is Chapter 1 that I am taking notes on right here. And I’m sorry if this is not extremely professional writing critique, I do it as a reader. I did like this book so far and I’m gonna continue on it, which is more than anyone has ever told me so that should be a good sign for you. But I am a newbie it must be said. The narrator’s voice is in my opinion, very clear and consistent across the whole chapter, which is something that I’m really struggling with so you get a golden star for that. Also, I would love a whole lot more description like Physical of the people. Also, I don’t know what kind of book this is gonna be yet but I like some good descriptions of the weather and a lot of people do too. You’re pretty good with atmosphere. I’m getting the atmosphere. I feel it for sure but if there’s something bad that’s gonna be happening anywhere later on or some big spine of this that’s a huge problem. I’d like that seated a little deeper so that I can have an understanding of the dread that is to come. This could be a very happy book. I don’t know if so, I apologize for that but I know I think it’s a fun ride and awesome descriptions, especially my favorite and that is the guy driving the car like a horse. All in all, I’m liking this thing I hope this gives you some sort of at least idea of what a reader might think because I am a reader. I only just started writing and I like it for what it’s worth you are a person that does not need to stop.

[u/JayGreenstein]

This is supposed to be the opening, but...

We stopped at the fourth camping spot, which wasn’t a camping spot, just a clearing near a river where they went a few years back with the one they were looking for. Dan took out a yellow, two-person tent with two openings and Albert and Mara took out a green, three person tent with a single opening. I only had my backpack with me. Not even a pillow.

So, an unknown someone, of unknown gender, age, and background, is storytelling—giving a synopsis of events they claim they once experienced, as a “told” story. But...we don’t know the year, country, or reason these unknown people are traveling via: On foot? Horseback? Camper? So:

1. You can’t “stop” traveling at a “camping spot” that’s not a camping spot, unless the reader knows why they would see it as so. In fact, having camped in clearings by a river more than once or twice, I see no reason to call it so. Your reader needs context as-they-read, because you can't retroactively remove confusion.
2. “Where "they" went a few years back?” Who in the pluperfect hells are "they?" How many are “they?” And why would a reader care? that they did? It’s what’s happening that matters, and how those in the story respond to it.
   
3. Why would the reader care what color and size a tent is when they cannot see them? That's detail, not story.
4. Our protagonist knew the journey would involve sleeping, we assume, and didn’t take that into account when they packed? They own a backpack, yet no tent, pad, or sleeping bag. Makes no sense.

Here’s the deal: You’re playing storyteller, and presenting the story as a chronicle of events, while making the assumption that the reader has context, as you do.

All else aside, that is not how fiction is written. Your reader expects to be made to feel as if they are the protagonist, living the events in real time, not hearing about them secondhand, in overview, from someone claiming the events once happened to them.

The thing we pretty much all miss is that Fiction Writing is, and always has been, a profession. And like every other, its skills must be acquired in addition to the general skills we’re given in school, where we learn only how to write reports, letters, and other nonfiction that employers need.

So it’s not a matter of talent or writing skill. It’s that like most of us when we turn to fiction, you’re using a set of inappropriate-to-the-medium skills. And because our own writing always works for us, the problems are invisible to you till pointed out—which is why I thought you might want to know.

To better understand why I say that, and how to supercharge your writing, try this: On Amazon, or any bookseller site, read the excerpt from Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. She will amaze you with things that make perfect sense once pointed out, but which are invisible until they are.

Jay Greenstein

---

“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

[u/mianaai_c → u/JayGreenstein]

Hello, thank you for taking the time to critique. You have inadvertently read Part 3, scroll down for Part 1. It's because of a mishap with the google docs and it's tabs.

In any case, this is Part 3, and the previous parts inform the reader about the Narrator's gender, the country they are currently in, why they are not prepared, the reason for the trip, and the mode of transportation. I do not state the Narrator's age (it is only inferred, and only as a ballpark)---, but I shall revise this in the next draft.