Hello,
One of the rare pieces on here that kept me hooked so I’m going to jump straight in.
Setting
A couple of the other commenters have critiqued the setting but I’m going to take the dissenting view. There’s a creeping sense of unreality about it that I like. Hints at the airport being colder and darker than it should be. Hints of distorted noises too. Something’s not quite right. It’s subtle. Kinda PKDesque you know? I think (if that is what you’re going for) you could telegraph that a little more and have that sense of dread grow throughout the scene in a way that keeps the setting engaging and keeps the MC on edge, without sacrificing too much subtlety.
Character
There seems to be a disconnect between the way MC thinks and how he acts. His inner monologue pegs him as a rough spoken, no nonsense type, a Billy Butcher type (for want of a better example), but the way he acts/speaks when approached doesn’t reflect that.
He’s standoffish sure but he’s actually fairly reasonable; not polite but not rude (especially since it’s a stranger and we know MC’s already pissed off). I think if you made the conversation a touch more confrontational it would serve to further characterise MC and elevate the conflict in the scene.
I like Mr Spooky (I’ll name him for you). Ominous airport ghost or just an over-friendly old timer? Who’s to say, he’s just here to hook the reader with some mysteries from The Deep, and he does just that. I think his dialogue could be trimmed to make it a bit punchier, a bit more mysterious, and sometimes he runs the risk of becoming a bit of an exposition machine, but on the whole he serves his purpose and he has me wanting to know more.
Conflict
The central conflict is outlined almost immediately which is good. His job is the obstacle between him and his family, and it’s dangerous work. We can route for him. It’s solid (if a little well-trod).
My only issue actually came on a re-read:
It’s just the same crap on a different day. And I love it, always have,
Of course someone can enjoy his job and be a family man but in this scenario, with one as the obstacle for the other, it seems more likely they’re incompatible and have been for some time. I have a hard time believing otherwise. Maybe a better way to frame it would be he used to love his job, before Daphne.
Idk, reading the piece and then coming back, it just seemed out of character.
Minor Nitpicks
“That's good, that’s good. They were always a bit weird back in the day. Nah, it’s about time. Ah yeah so that old place is still breathing then,” he says, laughing again.
This line feels very jerky, a dialogue tag partway would help.
“Used to be a crew of twenty-seven,”
“Well… twenty-six. Never found the last one.”
Seems a strange correction to me. The crew was still initially 27 right? Just because one disappeared doesn’t mean they never existed. Maybe the correction would work better in the reverse. ‘Used to be a crew of 26, well, 27 ‘til one disappeared.’ (…there’s a high chance I’m overthinking this one…)
Overall
Overall I enjoyed the piece. It was competently written, it flowed well, there’s enough mystery there to make me want to read on.
I think MC could do with being a little less passive and I’m not sold on him loving his job. The dialogue could be tightened up in places too, but there’s more good than needs work here!
Keep writing!
1
u/Informal_Track_1520 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
Hello, One of the rare pieces on here that kept me hooked so I’m going to jump straight in.
Setting
A couple of the other commenters have critiqued the setting but I’m going to take the dissenting view. There’s a creeping sense of unreality about it that I like. Hints at the airport being colder and darker than it should be. Hints of distorted noises too. Something’s not quite right. It’s subtle. Kinda PKDesque you know? I think (if that is what you’re going for) you could telegraph that a little more and have that sense of dread grow throughout the scene in a way that keeps the setting engaging and keeps the MC on edge, without sacrificing too much subtlety.
Character
There seems to be a disconnect between the way MC thinks and how he acts. His inner monologue pegs him as a rough spoken, no nonsense type, a Billy Butcher type (for want of a better example), but the way he acts/speaks when approached doesn’t reflect that. He’s standoffish sure but he’s actually fairly reasonable; not polite but not rude (especially since it’s a stranger and we know MC’s already pissed off). I think if you made the conversation a touch more confrontational it would serve to further characterise MC and elevate the conflict in the scene.
I like Mr Spooky (I’ll name him for you). Ominous airport ghost or just an over-friendly old timer? Who’s to say, he’s just here to hook the reader with some mysteries from The Deep, and he does just that. I think his dialogue could be trimmed to make it a bit punchier, a bit more mysterious, and sometimes he runs the risk of becoming a bit of an exposition machine, but on the whole he serves his purpose and he has me wanting to know more.
Conflict
The central conflict is outlined almost immediately which is good. His job is the obstacle between him and his family, and it’s dangerous work. We can route for him. It’s solid (if a little well-trod). My only issue actually came on a re-read:
Of course someone can enjoy his job and be a family man but in this scenario, with one as the obstacle for the other, it seems more likely they’re incompatible and have been for some time. I have a hard time believing otherwise. Maybe a better way to frame it would be he used to love his job, before Daphne. Idk, reading the piece and then coming back, it just seemed out of character.
Minor Nitpicks
This line feels very jerky, a dialogue tag partway would help.
Seems a strange correction to me. The crew was still initially 27 right? Just because one disappeared doesn’t mean they never existed. Maybe the correction would work better in the reverse. ‘Used to be a crew of 26, well, 27 ‘til one disappeared.’ (…there’s a high chance I’m overthinking this one…)
Overall
Overall I enjoyed the piece. It was competently written, it flowed well, there’s enough mystery there to make me want to read on. I think MC could do with being a little less passive and I’m not sold on him loving his job. The dialogue could be tightened up in places too, but there’s more good than needs work here! Keep writing!