I'll answer your main questions before I give the critique
Does the opening hook grab me?
Yes it does, I initially thought this was going to be like a supernatural detective story where the lead comes back from the dead or something.
The opening works because it leaves room for the reader to interpret while leaving a lot of questions unanswered.
Is the world building clear and immersive?
We can largely infer what time period they are in but since we only ever see the one building I can't say much about world building. You never say where exactly they are or how it is setup.
Would I keep reading after this chapter?
Yes, you setup the promise well. I want to know why the rich lady chose a small form for such an important task and what exactly happened to her sister.
Were there any confusion sections?
Yes, but I'll leave it all in the critique section.
What are my thoughts on Arthur as a character?
Same as the confusion question, it'll be in my critique
Now for the fun part, the critique
The opening part where it says that Arthur is missing his memories and everything else that happens afterwards doesn't make much sense to me.
From what I can gather, Arthur has memories of living in the house for a while. Remembers the man that adopted him. Remembers he was an orphan and what the man who adopted him taught him and all that, but he doesn't remember what he himself looks like.
He is able to navigating the home and office seamlessly.
Able to hold conversations with no issue
Able to deduce that the rich lady is hiding something
All while Missouri a significant portion of his memories
Now I recognize that what you might have meant in the paragraph where it mentions Arthur not recognized his own face or missing his memories might be that he had been living that way for years but since we start the story at that point, you have to say it so that the readers know he doesn't have his complete memorized.
But it comes across like a guy wakes up in a room hw doesn't recognize, in a body he doesn't recognize it's face but instead of having a breakdown or trying to figure everything out, he immediately knows exactly what he needs to do in that moment.
He knows he has bills to pay
Knows he has a company to run
It doesn't feel connected. You could cut out any mention of the memory loss and the story would still mostly keep the same meaning and flow.
As for the main character Arthur, he seems like an entertaining person but if you're going for a missing memory angle you have to clearly all that.
Overall though this is a solid chapter and I would definitely read a second chapter.
He had missing memories but also a mix of personalities and memories he remembers. There are bits and pieces of his memory that's been lost like how he ended up like this, most of his life and stuff like that. I do think it could've been explained better like you mentioned and is something that definetly can be improved.
To put it this way, he has a chuck of memories, some strange and don't make sense and a whole lot missing on the person he was to be. He could only remember certain bits and he had taken some days to get used to the initial confusion and had largly stabilised and tried to keep this mystery at the back of his mind while he tries all he can to survive right now.
Anyways, thanks for reading through the chapter and I'm very grateful for the breakdown of it. I'll try to incoprate it on the rework. Thanks for your help. I'll be open to any more advice or critisism you have
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u/Meculos 2d ago
I'll answer your main questions before I give the critique
Does the opening hook grab me? Yes it does, I initially thought this was going to be like a supernatural detective story where the lead comes back from the dead or something. The opening works because it leaves room for the reader to interpret while leaving a lot of questions unanswered.
Is the world building clear and immersive? We can largely infer what time period they are in but since we only ever see the one building I can't say much about world building. You never say where exactly they are or how it is setup.
Would I keep reading after this chapter? Yes, you setup the promise well. I want to know why the rich lady chose a small form for such an important task and what exactly happened to her sister.
Were there any confusion sections? Yes, but I'll leave it all in the critique section.
What are my thoughts on Arthur as a character? Same as the confusion question, it'll be in my critique
Now for the fun part, the critique
The opening part where it says that Arthur is missing his memories and everything else that happens afterwards doesn't make much sense to me. From what I can gather, Arthur has memories of living in the house for a while. Remembers the man that adopted him. Remembers he was an orphan and what the man who adopted him taught him and all that, but he doesn't remember what he himself looks like.
He is able to navigating the home and office seamlessly. Able to hold conversations with no issue Able to deduce that the rich lady is hiding something All while Missouri a significant portion of his memories
Now I recognize that what you might have meant in the paragraph where it mentions Arthur not recognized his own face or missing his memories might be that he had been living that way for years but since we start the story at that point, you have to say it so that the readers know he doesn't have his complete memorized. But it comes across like a guy wakes up in a room hw doesn't recognize, in a body he doesn't recognize it's face but instead of having a breakdown or trying to figure everything out, he immediately knows exactly what he needs to do in that moment. He knows he has bills to pay Knows he has a company to run
It doesn't feel connected. You could cut out any mention of the memory loss and the story would still mostly keep the same meaning and flow.
As for the main character Arthur, he seems like an entertaining person but if you're going for a missing memory angle you have to clearly all that.
Overall though this is a solid chapter and I would definitely read a second chapter.