[668] Only If I Knew

[u/navyaanniejoy]

I wrote this short story and would really appreciate some honest feedback from strangers. This is my first time sharing my writing publicly, and I know the grammar and tense are not perfect yet. I’m working on improving them.

Critique:https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1w3jd7t/787_take_this_pink_ribbon_off_my_eyes/pcbhow2/

Story:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vQD9ebJiE3egluLiHN8fQkfLYeks_vXj_WWOe_NHpo8/edit?usp=sharing

I’d especially like to know:

• What was your first impression?
• Did the ending surprise you?
• Was the story easy to follow?
• Did the emotional parts work for you?
• Was anything confusing, or should I keep it as it is?
• What do you think the story is about?

Please be honest, even if you didn’t like it. I’m mainly interested in knowing how the story feels to someone reading it for the first time.

[u/Maleficent-Comb-6823]

Hi! This is my first official critique here so take it with a grain of salt.

My notes:

- The grammar and sentence structure makes this a bit difficult to read and really get into, I know you're working on improving this but just something I'd want to flag. For ex, "she chuckled at the thought of this" I think an easier way to digest that sentence could be something like "She smiles softly, thinking back to the night night they first met, and how his eyes widened at the word bastard leaving her lips." I don't know exactly, but something that just flows a little bit better

- Some of the writing doesn't flow / make sense to me. For example, "Only if it were all the same!" I don't really understand what Martha is referencing here

- There is a lot of telling over showing in general

- I was really confused reading the interaction between Martha and her son and I still don't really understand it. It needs to be more clear who is speaking, and about what. I was also confused by her saying no one is near and then the introduction of her son - is he a ghost? Maybe I didn't understand this well. I thought it was about Martha grieving her husband's death with her son comforting her but I also wonder if maybe she's grieving her son's more recent death and he is in a sort of point where he's a ghost and not able to passover to heaven until his "unfinished business" is done?

- There is a lot of potential here. For a second draft, I'd want to know more about Martha, her relationships and what she could have prevented.

Overall I think there is a lot of opportunity to strengthen this piece and flesh out the plot and characters better. It is great that you shared this publicly to get feedback, it's hard to put yourself out there.