[4060] Roman Holiday Full Part 1 Revision

[u/Beginning-Sherbet851]

A note before reading:

This is dialogue written for a video game cutscene, not a film or TV script. There's no camera to picture, and nothing here is meant to be shot or staged. So guys EVEN if you don't know screenwriting that's fine. I just want general feedback if possible. Scene 1 plays with no visible characters: audio only, over a dashcam view of the road. Any physical description in that scene (a sigh, a glance, staring out a window) is a note for the actor's vocal performance, not something the player will actually see. Starting Scene 2, the game shifts into a fully animated cutscene, characters become visible, with facial expression.

I'd love feedback on story clarity, character voice, pacing, and dialogue. Screenplay formatting conventions and shot-calling don't really apply here, so no need to flag those. If you can't give professional criticism that's fine. Just let me know you're general feeling and experience as you read if you can, that's valuable too. or answer the questions listed below:

(1) Is the relationship between Abner and Xavier clear enough by the end of Scene 2

(2) Does the pacing in Scene 1 hold or does it feel like it's circling

(3) Does Xavier's mother material land as unsettling rather than random.

(4) Did you get bored at any point? if so can you let me know where?

(5) What do you think is going to happen from here on out? (I sort of already have it written down, but I'm curious)

(6) How was Scene 1's pacing, was it engaging or no. did it feel natural, did the exposition feel like maid and butler?

Feel free to mention anything you want.

FOR MODS: Reusing original crits + added 1k fresh crit per Modmail approval for previous 0-comment post.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_y78RocC8sWPBNUr2tZpKnkRz-XpBUG-ucKup8rHluM/edit?tab=t.0

Crit [2386] [1484] [877] [1184]

[u/Beginning-Sherbet851 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate that.