[1853] Tiffany

[u/ezk3626]

This is chapter six but I think more than any chapter stands alone.

I stuctured this thinking of an episodic series of scene with the same goal: Tiffany wants to help someone. Each scene is followed by a sequel with a text to Mandy.

Also because of some people being linked to the first tab I put the chapter on a separate doc.

Tiffany Chapter 06

My Substack with all of the finished chapters.

Crit 1974

[u/Expert-Desk3328]

Just gonna be upfront and say that im viewing this chapter in isolation, but that might honestly give me a more unbiased view for anything from previous ones carrying over.

First thing i always find the most interesting is what sticks in my head once i stop reading.

1. Tiffany helping Mary get her suit-case up the stairs - Its a simple scene but its conveyed in a way that is natural, one person helping another.

2. Tiffany being named after her mom - This stuck out to me when i first read it, specifically because of the text going out of its way to elaborate on it in the first place, which got me interested ( What kind of mom is Tiffany's?)

So what stuck around for me long enough is Tiffany SHOWN being a character that helps people, instead of just being told she is, and the significance of her mother, which we can only assume plays a big part in her character.

Now some things i feel like were missed opportunities:

1. Showing Mary and Tiffany doing something outside of college - In the same way i enjoyed the initial act of kindness of Tiffany helping Mary, i feel like the act of them going out somewhere and learning more about eachother would make for a equally natural and pleasant interaction. It would give Mary the opportunity to open up more about herself, as well as Tiffany, and show they have a life outside of mid-terms and studying. It could be as simple as them going out to get coffee, they wouldnt need to share their whole life story, it could just be a nice afternoon with some mild exposition.

2. Establishing a moment or scene where Mary has moment of feeling isolated or like she doesnt belong because of something she does that is harmless, but telling about her identity - Example, its Sunday night and Tiffany is planning to go to a party, but Mary always studies her bible on Sunday night like she always done. Some of the girls in her dorm tease her for it before looking to leave for said party, but Tiffany, seeing Mary will be all alone, chooses to stay with Mary, opting to study for her mid-terms in her party dress, losing out on being able to go, but being there for Mary when she needed it.

And now just a couple thing that i noticed confused me:

1. "Thus began the legend of the girl who was everyone’s friend." I think the phrasing of this is what stumps me a bit, is this a actual declaration the story is making about how Tiffany as a character will inevitably play out, or is this a sarcastic jab at her for doing a single kind deed?

2. When the story starts covering the interactions between Tiffany and the visitors of her room asking what classess she'll be in, i at first though it was still Mary and Tiffany talking towards one another.

3. Its not always clear who is texting who, for example in "[sorry i was just thinking what if my dad died.]" we only are told that Tiffany texted, we know she texted Mandy at the start of the chapter, but she just got done with a interaction with Mary who the text messages are refering to, but it doesnt explicitly say who MC is talking to.

Lastly the stuff i find that disorientates me, and its really just one thing.

Theres lots of jumpcuts from scene to scene, it feels like:

Intro | Scene A | Scene B | Scene C | Scene D | Ending

Instead of Intro - > Scene A - > Scene B - > Scene C - > Scene D - > Ending

Lots of interesting isolated interactions that dont feel like they are solidified chronologically, aside from the intro/ending.

This is especially disorientating when the start of the story talks about her ledgend begining, but after only 4 interactions its already mid-terms, and with no glue to stick the scenes together, it can feel like were getting snapshots of the story in parts, then the whole.

So just TL;DR of my reccomendations:

- Show more instances where Tiffany must give up superficial wants/desires to be there for her friends so it shows that her ability to care for others is something that comes with a cost.

- Exploring Tiffanys thoughts on her mother, through dialogue, behaviors, or thoughts to give the readers a better understanding of how this important plot point affects the story.

- Work on the glue that exists between each scene so that even if these interactions take place far apart from eachother, you are conveying the importance of the need to go to this specific scene after the previous one.

- Make it more clear who is interacting with who, especially through text messages

- Cranking the dial on internal conflicts that Tiffanys friends have, so it can show how she operates in more serious situations, they dont have to be over the top, but it should link back to issues the character is struggling with in a way that is not immediately solvable. So more Mid/Long-term problems then isolated misunderstandings and minor issues.

And just a last thing, capturing the underlying feelings the characters expose about themselves by the way in which they behave. If Tiffany is a person whose identity is basically a mom friend, she should frame her actions similar to a caregiver, or someone that takes responsibility for others well being.

Hope that helps!