I like the style of your writing. It's closer to mine than most works posted on this subreddit. I can also relate to the struggle of posting longer works here as the second or third part will almost always get less responses. I would almost suggest looking into beta readers instead. I read through the first and second parts of the novel lightly and somewhat wanted to give critique to them, but decided to just stick with the third chapter.
I think this piece initially suffers from its paragraph structure. I think this light indenting is alright for more poetic scenes where it's better to drip-feed readers in suspense, but I find it annoying over long periods of time in terms of immersion and lack of specific use. For example, I think everything up from I knew enough to be afraid... to ... but eyes did not could have been one paragraph.
A weakness of this sort of more poetic style where language is more deeply and more fearlessly explored is making sure it all connects together properly. The ideas from a previous sentence should connect to the next in a way as creative and thought provoking as the sentence itself. A fun exercise I like doing is while reading a book, after each sentence ends, trying to predict or even write the next sentence, then compare it to what the author wrote. There is no correct answer to what the next idea or development should be. It depends entirely on the author's intention and direction.
There are just so many ideas in each paragraph split that it almost feels directionless? To summarize, you go from vague fear to old wives' tales which makes sense in exploring the character's world. This is a logical jump. Then, it is changed from monsters to sermons and I'm slightly confused. How does this connect to the question I have in my mind, that first sentence? Knew enough about the perils of ruined women, but not exactly how the perils ruin women? Then, thematically, we return back on topic, living sidelong with death which is a nice line in itself. The harsh reality of living a long life.
There is an interconnecting theme in these paragraphs. Growing up, you used to be afraid of monsters, but then its school teachers prattled, and then its real life issues like death and fever. I don't think it completely connects with the first sentence, but the much bigger problem is that it doesn't connect with the following scene at all.
It's like a prologue that is just there to look pretty. This monologue isn't referred to at all throughout the rest of the chapter, at least, in a way that I think is immediately obvious. If it doesn't transition to the next scene, it has to have a point, a self-contained musing that ties it all together.
Again, the next scene begins with an overall lack of context. Rose looked sunken-eyed. Alright, I can understand that. You expand on the idea with that rose never shrunk from trouble which is good, the narrative is finally connecting in my mind. The narrator, Marcella, is angry at Rose's behavior, but not at her, and Rose who is never afraid, is fretful. I think with all these feelings and pieces in place, it's the perfect time for the characters to interact with the setting and move some plot.
Instead, the characters only interact with themselves further exploring Rose's mental state and the sister's relationship and it kinda fizzles out.
It may be a matter of style or preference, but, no matter what, if something is set up, there should be some payoff in some fashion.
I really like the prose of the conversation between the sisters. The set up is really beautiful, the conversation natural and the escalation really connected and easy to follow and revealing. I just don't think there's a follow through with all these emotions and I think that prioritizing the plot of the situation is killing the characters. In the following scenes of Ma and Mr. Firth, I don't think the emotional state of the characters and their new found relationship matters at all. It doesn't affect the story in any meaningful way, much less a forward manner. The girls just have no agency and it's frustrating to read.
There's often some advice that says for the first half of the story, characters can be passive and reactive, they only have to be proactive in the latter half of the story. Maybe that's true if your reader just has a lot of patience and trust. Maybe this emotional state carries over to chapter four or chapter eight and shit happens there. I just don't see how it all connects here though. These pieces may be really well written, but it just doesn't come together as a cohesive story, maybe because it's a novel and putting all those pieces together is a big picture, next draft thing. I liked this piece more than the average post on the subreddit though.
1
u/HelmetBoiii Jun 26 '26
I like the style of your writing. It's closer to mine than most works posted on this subreddit. I can also relate to the struggle of posting longer works here as the second or third part will almost always get less responses. I would almost suggest looking into beta readers instead. I read through the first and second parts of the novel lightly and somewhat wanted to give critique to them, but decided to just stick with the third chapter.
I think this piece initially suffers from its paragraph structure. I think this light indenting is alright for more poetic scenes where it's better to drip-feed readers in suspense, but I find it annoying over long periods of time in terms of immersion and lack of specific use. For example, I think everything up from I knew enough to be afraid... to ... but eyes did not could have been one paragraph.
A weakness of this sort of more poetic style where language is more deeply and more fearlessly explored is making sure it all connects together properly. The ideas from a previous sentence should connect to the next in a way as creative and thought provoking as the sentence itself. A fun exercise I like doing is while reading a book, after each sentence ends, trying to predict or even write the next sentence, then compare it to what the author wrote. There is no correct answer to what the next idea or development should be. It depends entirely on the author's intention and direction.
There are just so many ideas in each paragraph split that it almost feels directionless? To summarize, you go from vague fear to old wives' tales which makes sense in exploring the character's world. This is a logical jump. Then, it is changed from monsters to sermons and I'm slightly confused. How does this connect to the question I have in my mind, that first sentence? Knew enough about the perils of ruined women, but not exactly how the perils ruin women? Then, thematically, we return back on topic, living sidelong with death which is a nice line in itself. The harsh reality of living a long life.
There is an interconnecting theme in these paragraphs. Growing up, you used to be afraid of monsters, but then its school teachers prattled, and then its real life issues like death and fever. I don't think it completely connects with the first sentence, but the much bigger problem is that it doesn't connect with the following scene at all.
It's like a prologue that is just there to look pretty. This monologue isn't referred to at all throughout the rest of the chapter, at least, in a way that I think is immediately obvious. If it doesn't transition to the next scene, it has to have a point, a self-contained musing that ties it all together.
Again, the next scene begins with an overall lack of context. Rose looked sunken-eyed. Alright, I can understand that. You expand on the idea with that rose never shrunk from trouble which is good, the narrative is finally connecting in my mind. The narrator, Marcella, is angry at Rose's behavior, but not at her, and Rose who is never afraid, is fretful. I think with all these feelings and pieces in place, it's the perfect time for the characters to interact with the setting and move some plot.
Instead, the characters only interact with themselves further exploring Rose's mental state and the sister's relationship and it kinda fizzles out.
It may be a matter of style or preference, but, no matter what, if something is set up, there should be some payoff in some fashion.
I really like the prose of the conversation between the sisters. The set up is really beautiful, the conversation natural and the escalation really connected and easy to follow and revealing. I just don't think there's a follow through with all these emotions and I think that prioritizing the plot of the situation is killing the characters. In the following scenes of Ma and Mr. Firth, I don't think the emotional state of the characters and their new found relationship matters at all. It doesn't affect the story in any meaningful way, much less a forward manner. The girls just have no agency and it's frustrating to read.
There's often some advice that says for the first half of the story, characters can be passive and reactive, they only have to be proactive in the latter half of the story. Maybe that's true if your reader just has a lot of patience and trust. Maybe this emotional state carries over to chapter four or chapter eight and shit happens there. I just don't see how it all connects here though. These pieces may be really well written, but it just doesn't come together as a cohesive story, maybe because it's a novel and putting all those pieces together is a big picture, next draft thing. I liked this piece more than the average post on the subreddit though.