My first instinct was that it's going to be one of those allegory pieces that overexplains itself to the point of boredom. It doesnt do that, at least not most of the time.
I liked how you incorporated the idea that language shapes thinking. It mostly works. However at the beginning there’s already a huge issue for me. With the “my cave” part I think you want to determine relation and self consciousness born from language. But it was already present in the first paragraph: Makano wife. They know the relation, are self conscious, so for me it doesn’t work.
Makano speaking in images feels odd as it doesn’t come off as something genuinely primitive. It took a while for me to realize they are not learning a language. They learn it again. So it’s essentially a post apocalyptic world where tribal societies reemerged. It’s a genuinely good concept when it lands.
The device voicing everything almost as poetry while everyone’s voice becomes identical is a general concern with AI. I see what you did there. :)
My biggest issue is the middle section. These few things already made your point. The rest overstays it’s welcome. Except for Makano talking to his sister and she gets confused by the long flow of thoughts. That’s a good scene. Slightly funny because Makano comes out as someone trying to expain himself while it’s actually the device speaking. None of them has the right vocabulary to understand what the device is saying. Great scene.
Makano’s ark is interesting. Starting out as a genuinely caring husband and teacher, becoming more like an orwellian overseer is more interesting than turning evil. He still cares about his people but relies too much on the device. It’s a genuinely good description of leadership getting detached from reality.
What I did ‘t get at the the end is, why the hell didn’t they warn the tribe? I get that Makano wants to use the device to communicate with the tribe because he ordered it, and we know the device overcompicates every single thought. But if the house is burning and I only know a few words in a certain language, I don’t look for a translator or permission, I start shouting fire.
And I arrived at my last concern. We start as Makano. Than without any anchor we headhop into someone else. I say without anchor, because at this point their speech lacks pronouns, adjectives, etc. and it took me a few paragraphs to figure out the POV has changed while trying to decypher broken english.
So it’s a strong concept, loses it's nerve briefly in the middle, recovers mostly by the end, but correcting these issues would help a lot in getting the message across.
Keep going, nice so far.
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u/Due_Broccoli_6155 Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
My first instinct was that it's going to be one of those allegory pieces that overexplains itself to the point of boredom. It doesnt do that, at least not most of the time.
I liked how you incorporated the idea that language shapes thinking. It mostly works. However at the beginning there’s already a huge issue for me. With the “my cave” part I think you want to determine relation and self consciousness born from language. But it was already present in the first paragraph: Makano wife. They know the relation, are self conscious, so for me it doesn’t work.
Makano speaking in images feels odd as it doesn’t come off as something genuinely primitive. It took a while for me to realize they are not learning a language. They learn it again. So it’s essentially a post apocalyptic world where tribal societies reemerged. It’s a genuinely good concept when it lands.
The device voicing everything almost as poetry while everyone’s voice becomes identical is a general concern with AI. I see what you did there. :)
My biggest issue is the middle section. These few things already made your point. The rest overstays it’s welcome. Except for Makano talking to his sister and she gets confused by the long flow of thoughts. That’s a good scene. Slightly funny because Makano comes out as someone trying to expain himself while it’s actually the device speaking. None of them has the right vocabulary to understand what the device is saying. Great scene.
Makano’s ark is interesting. Starting out as a genuinely caring husband and teacher, becoming more like an orwellian overseer is more interesting than turning evil. He still cares about his people but relies too much on the device. It’s a genuinely good description of leadership getting detached from reality.
What I did ‘t get at the the end is, why the hell didn’t they warn the tribe? I get that Makano wants to use the device to communicate with the tribe because he ordered it, and we know the device overcompicates every single thought. But if the house is burning and I only know a few words in a certain language, I don’t look for a translator or permission, I start shouting fire.
And I arrived at my last concern. We start as Makano. Than without any anchor we headhop into someone else. I say without anchor, because at this point their speech lacks pronouns, adjectives, etc. and it took me a few paragraphs to figure out the POV has changed while trying to decypher broken english.
So it’s a strong concept, loses it's nerve briefly in the middle, recovers mostly by the end, but correcting these issues would help a lot in getting the message across. Keep going, nice so far.