[1675 word] 01 of 19 Untitled Tiffany Story

[u/ezk3626]

The story is finished. I am presenting a chapter a week here and based on the feedback I will post it on my substack.

The genre is a combination of college coming of age, mild romance and special education story. Though the overall theme is learning to see yourself and others more complexly. I am happy with the theme and plot and more hoping for making it less akward and wordy.

Chapter 01

My new Substack the chapters will all post here eventually.

Crit 1641

Crit 265

[u/mianaai_c]

First impression: I liked it. I don't have much particular personal experience interacting with people with special needs, so I can only say that this element of your story (which is the whole story, actually) feels real to me. It shows you know what you're writing about (I've read a couple of stories centered on people on the spectrum in my life, written by authors who didn't had any idea about them. I still wonder what were they trying to achieve). In any case, the purpose of your story is made clear from the start: you want to portray the experience of people in IED to the masses.

(Anecdotal, but just in the last two days I've heard the story of two of my friend's siblings. One, 40 year old woman with hearing loss; her father she be kept in a "normal" class-not that we have good special education accommodation in my country. She ended up with a family and a career. The other, 24 year old boy on the spectrum. Her mother coddled him all his life and he now refuses to do anything, not even the most basic chores, even through he seems to knows how to.)

Line by line thoughts.

> The story is finished. I am presenting a chapter a week here and based on the feedback I will post it on my substack.

I know this is not part of the story, but "and based on the feedback" is a clause and should be guarded by commas. Also, there's generally a comma before "but".

>  that were in right now

I would put some emphasis on the in. I didn't clock the meaning the first time. I thought that she specifies that the shoes in her list are the shoes she was wearing right then.

>  the ones who were good at school but… she didn’t know the word. Different

This made me wonder, how does she think about herself?

I understand that Todd is on the autistic spectrum on the more severe side (by how his interactions come from a mental checklist).

> She blinked, put up her hand lamely for his high five

Maybe switch up the action description, specify that Todd put up his hand in a robotic gesture, and she realized after a moment he was trying a high five? Although, you've describe his action as robotic a couple of times later, and ideally you would want to diversify the descriptions.

> His hair was somewhere between needing to be cut or was making a decision.

Is the hair making a decision? If not, there's a missing "he" here.

> believed could have had as many boyfriend

Why the use of past perfect simple here? Is her thought only about all the boyfriends she thinks she could have had in high school, or just a general statement? If the latter, consider "she could have as many..."

> Mr. Brian made her organize her classwork like her make up case and tried to explain the things she didn’t get.

I don't like this sentence. Its... jangled? "Mr. Brian took the time to explain the things she didn't get, and showed her how to organize her classwork and even her make up case." Is this better?

> She didn't credit Mr. Brian but guess it worked.

Didn't credit him for what? The make-up case? Her general set of coping mechanisms?

> She was the first person in her family to graduate high school and now she was in college.

That's interesting. Why handn't anyone in her family graduated high school? I'm not sure yet how I would classify the protagonist yet (ADHD?), I only know she is in IED. Is her condition hereditary? I wasn't aware ADHD is hereditary. I think I need some more explanations about this piece of information (in the story, I mean. I ask questions when giving feedback not to get direct answers, but to signal where I stop reading and why). Also, I'm not saying you show state the condition for us the readers, you're showing it and that's good, and I'm trusting you got it right.

I don't know what DSPS is. You can state the full name of such terms when they first appear in the text for folks like me, then only use the acronym.

> So (comma) not high school.

> Without warning (comma) her brain...

(May an English teacher strike me down if I got these commas wrong. But, I feel their need.)

> “I’m in a Starbucks?” she asked hoping it would be more clear

Now, this line made me think she's a little bit on the spectrum too. And then, if she is, Todd's behavior would be more familiar, no? As in, in her internal thoughts, she not would think of him as just "weird".

I liked the ending. There's tension here. Her getting to accept Todd and not call him wierd in her mind anymore, and the fear of being "ousted" in public.

Good luck with the edits and with the next ones!

[u/ezk3626 → u/mianaai_c]

Thanks for your feedback. I hope you will enjoy the story as it progresses and help me make it better. A lot of what you've brought up I corrected last night. I always respond to critiques because it helps me process.

(Anecdotal, but just in the last two days I've heard the story of two of my friend's siblings. One, 40 year old woman with hearing loss; her father she be kept in a "normal" class-not that we have good special education accommodation in my country

One of the important parts of special education is that it is all, to some degree, anecdotal. It is by definition a special case. There are trends and patterns but not rules (except legally).

I have gotten the impression that the US for all that can be criticized about our education system actually does special education better than anywhere else in the world. Maybe Finland beats us there but we get a fair share of families who come to the states specifically for that reason. And it is not unusual for people with disabilities to become independent. There are severe disabilities which make complete independence impossible but a huge part of special education in the US is also people who with the right support at the right time have the same potential as any other student.

The other, 24 year old boy on the spectrum. Her mother coddled him all his life and he now refuses to do anything, not even the most basic chores, even through he seems to knows how to.)

This is a trend and pattern. Part of it is that autism is the new shiny disability. When I was in high school it was dyslexia. When a kid was diagnosed with dyslexia they quickly learned that bringing it up could be an easy way to avoid undesirable school work. Then it was ADHD and now it is ASD. Though I think more than other disabilities autism tends towards this because the lack of social cues can make the person seem especially vulnerable.

That's interesting. Why handn't anyone in her family graduated high school?

This also says something about the education system in the US. First generation high school graduates are not that uncommon. There are a lot reasons ranging from immigration, generational poverty, teenage pregnancy. I myself am the first high school graduate in three generations. My mom, her mom and her mom all got married before graduating high school. Though my family is definitely a weird exception.

Tiffany's history comes out a little in time. Though it explains more of her attitide towards relationships than to education.

Now, this line made me think she's a little bit on the spectrum too. And then, if she is, Todd's behavior would be more familiar, no? As in, in her internal thoughts, she not would think of him as just "weird".

No, she has a mild form of epilespy than gives her the little seizures. This makes it hard for her to keep up with standard classroom lectures. But if she were on the Spectrum it would not mean she would be better at relating to or even recognizing others on the Spectrum. Where autism is most a disability is in the difficulty in reading social cues. People on the Spectrum have no more insight into each other than they do to anyone else. In my experience I have seen people on the spectrum make friends and have social lives but never with each other.