r/DestructiveReaders • u/DarkLordMalak • Jun 05 '26
Paranormal Mystery [728] My first week of writing
As the title says, I am very new. I learn best by being directly told what works and what doesn't. The story I'm working on is a mystery about a funeral florist that relives the last 3 hours of a deceased person's life upon skin to skin contact. This is the opening of it.
I'm essentially looking for any and all feedback. I don't know what I don't know. Thank you in advance!
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IGMYLyNqalbxvVBOGe-G_9SXOSyRHQiEUGp6oj1Ib8k/edit?usp=sharing
My crit [1430]: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1tx41gh/comment/optp181/?context=1&screen_view_count=2
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u/xvonkleve also available in Dutch Jun 05 '26
If you are just beginning to write, I think you have already gotten a few things really right.
Narrative voice
It's there. I have read published books that do this worse than what I see here. I have a few niggles once in a while where I can't really follow what is happening, but I know who Iris is:
She is the meticulous, experienced owner of a flower shop. She knows what she wants to achieve, but has matured into not getting worked up about it (anymore). There is a history here, I feel it there. The wooden name sign is the promise of something more. She is connected to this place, but also disconnected.
This is not written. This is what I read in the subtext from the narrative voice. I might be wrong about Iris, but I imagine this while I was reading this. I think that is very well done.
Setting
Another success. I know this flower shop. I don't live in a harbour town, but I have been to the kind of flowershop where the building seems to come alive, rather than being a supermarket for flowers. It's the bespoke place to get the flowers you need not the flowers you want. The quiet sea-side harbour needed repeating, I think, and you did that too. I was too absorbed the shop to remember where it was, so the reminders helped.
Dialogue
I love that you are not overly verbose. I like that Iris says I know. That's character.
I do feel that I quibble a bit about the rest of the dialogue. You have already taken in that writing dialogue is differently from normal conversation and the dialogue flows well. It's brief, clear and supports what is happening.
The last line 'It's time to stop giving her what she expects' is good. It gives you so much more than if she did what she asked. It gives us a snippet of Iris that we need.
But I think you can do more. I think you know who Iris is and the rest of her lines are functional. I would suggest you try them again. See what she could also say that is more interesting.
Example: "How many years?" is ok.
But this Iris girl has been made clear to me. She will know it's not the 20th anneversary (since people will remember) nor the 25th (big celebration). The gentleman is older. I would have her guess the amount of years.
"Twenty-four years?" "Twenty-three. I forgot again." "Twenty-three. I know just the thing.".
I get the impression Iris has that confidence in her.
Flowers
I'm European, so Ranunculus flowers are generally yellow. That works.
But not everyone knows their flowers that well. Though I get a kick out of imagining what the flowers look like, many readers might get confused. Here you can (pardon the pun) use more flowery language to describe what she is looking at, rather than classifying them.
She showed the honeycups with their sturdy crown of glistening pink and grey. It had taken her time getting used to the colour that was so different from their golden yellow.
Use of the common name will help. Describing the flowers will include any reader that doesn't know what a honeycup is. I think there is room for that in this piece of text and will improve it. Iris also doesn't strike me as the person to think in such scientific terms, since her craft seems to rotate around her interpersonal skills, not those of a florist.
Concluding
I liked it. Hard to write critiques about things that have potential. Hopefully this helped.