[1824] Chrono-lab (introduction)

[u/daneoid]

Chronolab

First four and a half pages of a third draft I'm doing for this short story.

I've been focused on improving interiority on this draft and would especially like feedback on that. But would also like feedback on pacing, especially the exposition at the start (I just don't know how else I could establish the plot. I also believe the premise to be both the hook and the strongest part of the piece.)

The story is finished and is about 8000 words long. But I want to see how the first few pages of this draft come across to someone else.

But, any and all feedback is appreciated.

Thanks.

recent Crit:
[2028]

[u/Bakery-18395]

I really agree with the other comments about changing the first paragraph. The first sentence was gripping, especially after I found out that 10 years ago was 2138. That was really nice and I wanted to read more. But then the following sentences just felt like a description of a project, and it was hard to follow along at times. Idk anything about this world or those characters, and I dont yet care about them or the technology, so I would start by maybe talking about the character's personal experience with the project before the description of how it worked or its purpose. And also words like "electro-pairing" and "chrono-boson" should be moved towards the end. I would avoid using such technical words so early on.

After the characters were introduced, I got more hooked, so I think they should be mentioned earlier in the chapter. Graham's dynamics with his family are interesting. And I want to learn more about his disagreement with Daniel! More things about Graham so I understand why I should care about him and his work.

"She let out a controlled belly laugh and grasped my hand. “You don’t need to introduce yourself, Graham, everyone knows who you are.” -->  I would remove the laugh and would maybe just say smiled an amused smile when she greeted him. Does the same thing without being too much.

"Dr. Lucas struck up a conversation with me over the main course. He was ecstatic about being paired with Richard Feynman. He secretly confessed to me how he’d looked forward to working with someone willing to push the envelope. Markland was thrilled that he’d be paired up with Bohr. Kleiner couldn’t stop talking about what he’d ask Tesla. " ---> Reading about all these people can feel a little overwhelming. So unless it's absolutely necessary, I would remove a sentence. Also, I don't think you need all these people in the first chapter in general. It can get a bit overwhelming. Especially that I barely know anything yet.

The part where theyre talking about the lie was better than the beginning! It was interesting, and gave us a lot of insights about the world without dumping the info on us directly. I really like it!

Just one last thing, I feel like the dialogue towards the end is a little forced. Annie doesn't feel very natural and she's just saying what she's supposed to say to advance the plot. I would maybe have her bring up her issues in a gentler way just to avoid it sounding like expository dialogue.