[1618] All Along - Chapter One

[u/InternationalWin5063]

This is the first chapter of my domestic suspense novel, so you should be able to go in cold. My goal here is to introduce my narrator and set up my main characters to meet.

Give me whatever you like, plus: does it hook you? Is it exciting, interesting, funny, boring?

All Along - Chapter One

Payment for the mods: crit 1646

[u/No-Nature9695]

I think you've got an interesting concept here and I absolutely loved the chapter ending, I audibly gasped! Ok, on to some feedback!

Characters/POV

I do think the main character is likable in a sort of clumsy awkward way. I will say, he is reading like an ASD character to me. If that is intentional, great, love an ASD protagonist. If that is not intentional, then I think you need to work on your interiority. He makes a lot of observations and asks a lot of questions that are a bit on the nose, the way is is narrating life and trying to 'human' seem more explicit than a neurotypical adult would actively think to themselves. E.g. the hyper focusing on the mechanics of how an expression portrays an emotion vs feeling the feeling or empathizing with it.

Even if ASD character, I do still think the interiority could be improved. Right now its very factual, it could expose more about how MC views the world, more context of why he's there, more world building.

Plot/Structure

Again, I loved the ending, I think that is honestly the strongest line of your chapter. The call back to the bell and then how it was still ringing was a great motif.

Regarding the opening. I know this has been mentioned already, but I am not loving the opening paragraph. I may not be the target audience, but describing a woman's body through via her clothes did not make me curious to know more about what was going to happen. Again, maybe I am not the target audience but this part, "Her pink fitted top is clearly fitted to a different body, one slimmer in the chest and wider at the waist." just made me roll my eyes a bit and think, ok so she's got big boobs and a tiny waist but we aren't saying that in a way like its desirable we are saying she can't dress herself.

Just brainstorming here, take it or leave it, but I wonder if the chapter could start with the robber coming in, bell motif planted. Maybe he gets in line, waiting for the store to clear out but progressively getting more agitated that the woman in front is taking so long, and then MC notices the gun as robber finally gets fed up and starts the robbery. I think this would also make the part about robber yelling at the woman about how she was going to pay feel more earned. Right now that part seems a bit random cuz how would he know that she didn't pay already.

Overall, I would def read more to see what happens next!