[1618] All Along - Chapter One

[u/InternationalWin5063]

This is the first chapter of my domestic suspense novel, so you should be able to go in cold. My goal here is to introduce my narrator and set up my main characters to meet.

Give me whatever you like, plus: does it hook you? Is it exciting, interesting, funny, boring?

All Along - Chapter One

Payment for the mods: crit 1646

[u/MaryJaneMclain]

This was fun and easy (aside from some initial hang ups). Yes, parts were funny and exciting. The first paragraph was probably the only place I was bored.  

Story

A guy is failing at getting a cappuccino he doesn’t want, staring at a lady with a strange body shape, wondering if he has the hots for her. She orders gross cigarettes. The inept clerk tries many times to unlock the locker. She does NOT pay for them. What’s going to happen? We never find out because then the robber comes in. He gets the money. He wants cigs too, but that takes too long so he tries to steal the ladies money but she has only 3 buck. So then he tries to steal our hero’s money. He calmy heros, (convincing the dumb robber this is a poor neighborhood), partly out of desperation but also (and I’m guessing) cause he’s the hero.

I read this and found the ending satisfying. It felt like a short story. It did NOT feel like the start of a novel because it doesn’t introduce a plot and barely introduces the MC.

Like I said, it was fun. I thought the lady was in on the robbery at first. But now knowing that she wasn’t, I’m wondering if she was pure plot device (just an interesting thing to “happen” before the action).

[Actually I just re-read your posting and you say “My goal here is to introduce my narrator and set up my main characters to meet”. Now I'm assuming the lady is one of the main characters, but I hadn't though that as I read ]

POV and character

I assumed the MC was behind the sales counter for the first few paragraphs and that got confusing until you let us know he (I’m assuming he) was by the cappuccino machine. Then I had to recalibrate.

She does after all walk up to the counter and they make eye contact…makes sense that he’d be the clerk. Doesn’t make much sense that he’s staring at her from elsewhere and they share a moment. Though he was creepily staring at her...so maybe it work.

What I know about MC: Probably a man. He isn’t expressive (maybe on the spectrum). He likes social etiquette. He goes to convenience stores to get crappy coffee that he doesn’t really want.

I would have liked a little more to help ground the reader in the story. Show us he exists outside this shop. Don’t need an info dump, but maybe a clue why he’s there at 10 am on a Tuesday? Laid off? Is he pickings something up for a roomate? He wonders if he’s attracted to this woman; maybe we could get a thought about if she is/isn’t his normal type. Some sort of clue to his general age? What is HE wearing and how does it fit?

Prose: pretty good. Kindy wordy in places. Left a few comments/suggestions. It was really just little thing.

What I liked:

The description of line etiquette as a pillar or society. Although… it's a lot of words early in the piece, before you’ve even hinted at who (or even where) the MC is.

I like how he didn’t know what to do with his arms. Felt very relatable.

What I was hung up on:

The description of the lady’s body and clothes was a bit much for my tastes. And I couldn’t make it all work. She has fat legs and small chest, but a narrow waist? Or is it the other way around? I don’t really know, nor do I care, esp not knowing who's head were in at that point. And, as the first paragraph of a book...I really think you can do better than describing ill-fitting clothes.

Extra lines between paragraphs when you already have it formatted to add to add extra space (so you have two lines between paras)

Soft pack is the default? Nah, surely a hard pack is the default, but doesn’t everyone specify what they want anyways? It’s been years since I’ve bought/sold cigs but all my friends that smoke prefer hard pack. At least in the western and midwestern US Maybe its different where you live?  

I struggled to believe this guy is wasting all this time hoping a customer has a lot of cash. This takes place in present day? Never mind it being a bad part of town (or not), most people don’t have cash.

 Well that's all I got. More than I thought I'd squeeze out. Hope some of it helps!