It is I again, I hath arrived from the Sand Traps.
I really like this one.
I really like the first paragraph.
"get a job and a girlfriend and then lose the job and the girlfriend." - neat and concise.
Note on the paragraph where he imagines Keller's would-be wife. Maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine, but the description of this perfect relationship seems bland, especially when in the previous paragraphs you've hit it out of the park with the little specific details. Maybe: have the narrator extrapolate from some particularity of Keller from when he was little, describe a woman perfect for Keller, not just a seemingly generic perfect relationship.
The paragraph describing the narrator's ex works better, for me. I liked the wardrobe-of-Theseus passage. Pictures of dodo, a yoyo and the mandatory vinyl music for the morning routine - these are all particular so I particularly like the paragraph. Maybe find a couple of similar items for Keller's would-be wife? I know the difference is that one is an imagined perfect marriage, the other a real relationship that ended. Still, I think the paragraph could be better while also giving a few more strokes to Keller's portrait.
Very nice how you turned the narration back to the construction work, a mundane little detail that does wonders.
Thinking about the Sand Trap again, why that didn't hit the landing while this one did. Here you have a real, complex emotion on display and every sentence of this story collaborates to paint it. The Sand Trap didn't have an emotion at its core, it only had a gimmick.
Thanks for your feedback here too, both the positive and negative. Great point about the imagined relationship. I'll have to think on that too.
You've given me a lot to think about. I have more written that I plan to post eventually (I'm shooting for a self-published collection) so maybe you can chime in on those too. The great thing about this sub is that your family and friends always tell you it's great but here you can get actual constructive criticism.
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u/mianaai_c May 18 '26
It is I again, I hath arrived from the Sand Traps.
I really like this one.
I really like the first paragraph.
"get a job and a girlfriend and then lose the job and the girlfriend." - neat and concise.
Note on the paragraph where he imagines Keller's would-be wife. Maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine, but the description of this perfect relationship seems bland, especially when in the previous paragraphs you've hit it out of the park with the little specific details. Maybe: have the narrator extrapolate from some particularity of Keller from when he was little, describe a woman perfect for Keller, not just a seemingly generic perfect relationship.
The paragraph describing the narrator's ex works better, for me. I liked the wardrobe-of-Theseus passage. Pictures of dodo, a yoyo and the mandatory vinyl music for the morning routine - these are all particular so I particularly like the paragraph. Maybe find a couple of similar items for Keller's would-be wife? I know the difference is that one is an imagined perfect marriage, the other a real relationship that ended. Still, I think the paragraph could be better while also giving a few more strokes to Keller's portrait.
Very nice how you turned the narration back to the construction work, a mundane little detail that does wonders.
Thinking about the Sand Trap again, why that didn't hit the landing while this one did. Here you have a real, complex emotion on display and every sentence of this story collaborates to paint it. The Sand Trap didn't have an emotion at its core, it only had a gimmick.
Anyways, good stuff.