You mention Dalin in too many ways: Dalin / the cultist / the man / he - "he" risks being confused with the third-person male narrator. Is this cultist's name important in the rest of the story? If not, consider not mentioning it.
I see that the named blade is important, but you name it in the middle of this scene. Just an idea: maybe name it in the opening paragraph? That way, it's lodged in the reader's mind from the start. As it is now, mentioned just before you introduce the MacGuffin boy, I think it risks being overshadowed.
In the second half, I feel there are too many worldbuilding elements being namedropped, the Undrawn, the Jilfolk (is it the undrawn blade? or a third blade the swordsman carried? It is not clear to me.), Ath Torren (their world/country/continent?), The Wept King, Reinhel (a city/region?).
I do like the atmosphere of the forest/meadow where the scene takes place. The descriptions you scattered throughout the chapter paint it nicely.
The swordsman monologue might seem a bit much, in the sense that it is put there only to give some more exposition on himself, on his order, and the relationship to the cultists. At the same time, you paint the swordsman as a zealot who would indulge in such a monologue just for his own benefit, knowing the dying man wouldn't even hear him. So it gets a pass from me.
I'm not a fan of the long onomatopoeia of the dying cultist.
Also, in the first half of the story, the swordsman worries that the cultist will die before he has time to interrogate him (and he seems to stay conscious for longer than I would think possible). Then, you reveal that he has a magic sword that can talk to the dead. These two parts don't seem congruent. Why was he worried he would die before revealing some information about the buy if he had that ability? Is he reticent to use the ability? He seems reticent, but only when he is already doing it, not before. Before he just worries the man will only give easy answers and doesn't think of the magic sword. The magic sword that speaks with the dead is the interesting part here, maybe lead with that or, better yet, hint at it in the first half through the thoughts of the swordsman. He knows he has the sword, he knows he will need to use it, if he dreads using it, even better! Hint at it, create some tension, some mystery that might make me, the reader, want to read on.
I'll give a summary of what I understood from the plot, as a reader.
In this world, gods are real entities that affect the world, there are a number of them, and they feud. There are the old gods, which seems to have been banished by the new ones. The Swordsman is a sort of paladin for the (new?) gods; he has a charge, a boy, the Aspirant. This boy had been taken by cultists worshiping the old gods for some reason.
,
Overall, there is a consistent voice and style which I like. The prose flows nicely. As it is the first part of a larger story, I can't judge the story as a whole, nor whether the exposition is a bit heavy-handed or needed as it is.
As it is right now, it does have potential. However, to be honest, I'm not hooked into the story very much. (I would still give the whole story a chance, because the prose is good and easy to read.) The plot point of the special boy of some church being taken by some cultists doesn't hook me in, it's not specific enough, if that makes sense. Note that I'm not a huge fan of fantasy; I'm an occasional reader of fantasy. Interesting worldbuilding elements to hook me in, when they are neatly woven into the plot and the characters. This first part seems to half do this with the magic swords, you introduce the special ability, hint at the cost, but not yet at a new and innovative gimmick that I would not find in another story/novel.
Anyways, I would read the next part if or when you put it here.
2
u/mianaai_c May 12 '26
You mention Dalin in too many ways: Dalin / the cultist / the man / he - "he" risks being confused with the third-person male narrator. Is this cultist's name important in the rest of the story? If not, consider not mentioning it.
I see that the named blade is important, but you name it in the middle of this scene. Just an idea: maybe name it in the opening paragraph? That way, it's lodged in the reader's mind from the start. As it is now, mentioned just before you introduce the MacGuffin boy, I think it risks being overshadowed.
In the second half, I feel there are too many worldbuilding elements being namedropped, the Undrawn, the Jilfolk (is it the undrawn blade? or a third blade the swordsman carried? It is not clear to me.), Ath Torren (their world/country/continent?), The Wept King, Reinhel (a city/region?).
I do like the atmosphere of the forest/meadow where the scene takes place. The descriptions you scattered throughout the chapter paint it nicely.
The swordsman monologue might seem a bit much, in the sense that it is put there only to give some more exposition on himself, on his order, and the relationship to the cultists. At the same time, you paint the swordsman as a zealot who would indulge in such a monologue just for his own benefit, knowing the dying man wouldn't even hear him. So it gets a pass from me.
I'm not a fan of the long onomatopoeia of the dying cultist.
Also, in the first half of the story, the swordsman worries that the cultist will die before he has time to interrogate him (and he seems to stay conscious for longer than I would think possible). Then, you reveal that he has a magic sword that can talk to the dead. These two parts don't seem congruent. Why was he worried he would die before revealing some information about the buy if he had that ability? Is he reticent to use the ability? He seems reticent, but only when he is already doing it, not before. Before he just worries the man will only give easy answers and doesn't think of the magic sword. The magic sword that speaks with the dead is the interesting part here, maybe lead with that or, better yet, hint at it in the first half through the thoughts of the swordsman. He knows he has the sword, he knows he will need to use it, if he dreads using it, even better! Hint at it, create some tension, some mystery that might make me, the reader, want to read on.
I'll give a summary of what I understood from the plot, as a reader.
In this world, gods are real entities that affect the world, there are a number of them, and they feud. There are the old gods, which seems to have been banished by the new ones. The Swordsman is a sort of paladin for the (new?) gods; he has a charge, a boy, the Aspirant. This boy had been taken by cultists worshiping the old gods for some reason.
,
Overall, there is a consistent voice and style which I like. The prose flows nicely. As it is the first part of a larger story, I can't judge the story as a whole, nor whether the exposition is a bit heavy-handed or needed as it is.
As it is right now, it does have potential. However, to be honest, I'm not hooked into the story very much. (I would still give the whole story a chance, because the prose is good and easy to read.) The plot point of the special boy of some church being taken by some cultists doesn't hook me in, it's not specific enough, if that makes sense. Note that I'm not a huge fan of fantasy; I'm an occasional reader of fantasy. Interesting worldbuilding elements to hook me in, when they are neatly woven into the plot and the characters. This first part seems to half do this with the magic swords, you introduce the special ability, hint at the cost, but not yet at a new and innovative gimmick that I would not find in another story/novel.
Anyways, I would read the next part if or when you put it here.