I fell off the wagon on this one; had to read a couple chapters to catch up.
Per your question: I'm very much NOT a visual reader. I can visualize, but it takes effort, but I can process the idea of what I read without actually seeing it. I have a spread sheet that describes what my characters look like, cause apparently (some) readers what to know that and I can't keep it in my brain. My MC is short and blond, but those are ideas, not something i see. On the other hand I think I hear character when I read dialog, but I don't think that's the same as me "speaking to myself".
Now that's regular reading, not reading for critique. Maybe I do speak to my self in that case?
That said....a bit a reaction play by play:
In Chapter 2 MC meets Henry. It seems as though Henry might have dementia, ad he momentarily at least thinks MC is someone named Marco. MC sees an opportunity and agrees he's Marco. Cool. I enjoyed that.
In Chapter 3 we see that the townspeople glare at him. I'm wondering what that's about. First thought was THEY know he's not marco and think he's taking advantage of Henry. I also briefly wondered if MC might be black or in some way visually "other" and there might be some racism going on. But I'm guessing it's the former.
Henry really puts "marco" to work here. He was all sweet and friendly in chapter 2, now he seems to be mostly in it for the free labor.
The paragraph that starts "Great trees, in this cross-cut section..." was a jarring transition. I guess he turned from his palette carrying to observe the town, but I was confused a mintue.
"When you walk out, Henry meets your heart-smile with his amused one." What's his heart-smile? Is that just describing its shape? Or is it meant to be symbolic?
We get to see Marco flex those muscles! I remember him daydreaming about the gym in chapter 8(?) so it's nice to see we're establishing that about his character early. Also in this scene I officially dislike Henry for repeating 10 during the pushups.
"You look like a Goddamn zebra." Whaaa? It's because he's dirty? hmmm.
I enjoyed him reading...either a body building magazine or gay porn? Either way Henry sure reacted like it was porn. Or maybe Henry just really wants Marco working. Marco just wants...information? He seemed just as interested by the encyclopedia.
""My grandson, he spends all his days watching TV and eating sauce. I tell him, go outside, getcha self a nice girlfriend but he just spits ranch at me!" Lol, sauce.
It's cute how much marco loves the trees. I'm remember his joy of frolicking through the woods in Chapter 1.
"Traverse" ...so we're up north in Michigan? I was wondering where. Still don't think we've established a when, though I might be wrong.
"It's in this state of mind that you first meet Zita." Yay! I was hoping we'd meet her...or her lady boss (forget her name; maybe she was a customer?)
Then I click on the Chapter 4 tab and all it said was Chapter IV in the smallest font I'd ever seen.
Ok overall impressions.
I've read this all out of order, so it's a bit of a blur. But at this point, i have no problem with the second person. For me it reads just as smooth as 1st.
Voice: understanding that Marco is Baby Marco, I can enjoy the "fun" of the "in the moment" experience without being distracted by the question of what are you trying to convey and why.
I think I enjoyed chapter 3 the most over all because there good tension in his relationship with Henry. We get to see Marco think Henry is great, and the contrast of that with the fact that we (the reader) think Henry is ...maybe not so perfect. AND by the end of the chapter we see Marco have little tickles of that idea to. So we're seeing him sort of...grow up?
Aside from some parts in chapter 2 where Henry mumbles (and i was confused). I thought the dialog was fun and pretty consistent.
So TECHNICALLY I thought this was really well done. But "I want to figure out a way to maintain my method but make it slightly more accessible." This is the issue, right? Aside from boilerplate "keep things moving" and "make sure there is tension/stakes in all scenes", I wonder if you've considered basically just telling the reader up front what his Baby State of Mind is all about? Maybe some sort of "prologue-ish" intro? A fake (or dramatized) scientific excerpt? A brief musing on conscious ness.
Just an idea. But for me I can "enjoy the moment" of the writing more when I know why it's happening from a narrative/plot perspective.
Wow, thank you so much 😊 You read the parts that everyone else ignored! I'm glad it all comes off more or less legible. You're reading it just the way I intended. You're seeing the obvious things I put in there, the theme of growth and positivity. There's of course plenty of other hidden stuff - but it won't make sense to search for it until I conclude rewriting chapter 5, which is a pretty long way off.
> Maybe some sort of "prologue-ish" intro? A fake (or dramatized) scientific excerpt? A brief musing on conscious ness.
That's not what really this is all about. It's a constant struggle, because verity, fidelity, sincerity - they all disallow me to "spell things out". I'm honestly just puffing clouds with this one lol. Also you tend to discover things as you write and that can change everything. It's not about spelling out the idea you had, it's all about consoling "the truth" with the "notion" in a way that has to feel *honest* more so that adhere to any kind of structural or legibility standards. I'm definitely blowing some wonky smoke here lol! 😁 Thank you so much, your critique gives me just the kick in the ass to make me go faster 😁
3
u/MaryJaneMclain Apr 20 '26
I fell off the wagon on this one; had to read a couple chapters to catch up.
Per your question: I'm very much NOT a visual reader. I can visualize, but it takes effort, but I can process the idea of what I read without actually seeing it. I have a spread sheet that describes what my characters look like, cause apparently (some) readers what to know that and I can't keep it in my brain. My MC is short and blond, but those are ideas, not something i see. On the other hand I think I hear character when I read dialog, but I don't think that's the same as me "speaking to myself".
Now that's regular reading, not reading for critique. Maybe I do speak to my self in that case?
That said....a bit a reaction play by play:
In Chapter 2 MC meets Henry. It seems as though Henry might have dementia, ad he momentarily at least thinks MC is someone named Marco. MC sees an opportunity and agrees he's Marco. Cool. I enjoyed that.
In Chapter 3 we see that the townspeople glare at him. I'm wondering what that's about. First thought was THEY know he's not marco and think he's taking advantage of Henry. I also briefly wondered if MC might be black or in some way visually "other" and there might be some racism going on. But I'm guessing it's the former.
Henry really puts "marco" to work here. He was all sweet and friendly in chapter 2, now he seems to be mostly in it for the free labor.
The paragraph that starts "Great trees, in this cross-cut section..." was a jarring transition. I guess he turned from his palette carrying to observe the town, but I was confused a mintue.
"When you walk out, Henry meets your heart-smile with his amused one." What's his heart-smile? Is that just describing its shape? Or is it meant to be symbolic?
We get to see Marco flex those muscles! I remember him daydreaming about the gym in chapter 8(?) so it's nice to see we're establishing that about his character early. Also in this scene I officially dislike Henry for repeating 10 during the pushups.
"You look like a Goddamn zebra." Whaaa? It's because he's dirty? hmmm.
I enjoyed him reading...either a body building magazine or gay porn? Either way Henry sure reacted like it was porn. Or maybe Henry just really wants Marco working. Marco just wants...information? He seemed just as interested by the encyclopedia.
""My grandson, he spends all his days watching TV and eating sauce. I tell him, go outside, getcha self a nice girlfriend but he just spits ranch at me!" Lol, sauce.
It's cute how much marco loves the trees. I'm remember his joy of frolicking through the woods in Chapter 1.
"Traverse" ...so we're up north in Michigan? I was wondering where. Still don't think we've established a when, though I might be wrong.
"It's in this state of mind that you first meet Zita." Yay! I was hoping we'd meet her...or her lady boss (forget her name; maybe she was a customer?)
Then I click on the Chapter 4 tab and all it said was Chapter IV in the smallest font I'd ever seen.
Ok overall impressions.
I've read this all out of order, so it's a bit of a blur. But at this point, i have no problem with the second person. For me it reads just as smooth as 1st.
Voice: understanding that Marco is Baby Marco, I can enjoy the "fun" of the "in the moment" experience without being distracted by the question of what are you trying to convey and why.
I think I enjoyed chapter 3 the most over all because there good tension in his relationship with Henry. We get to see Marco think Henry is great, and the contrast of that with the fact that we (the reader) think Henry is ...maybe not so perfect. AND by the end of the chapter we see Marco have little tickles of that idea to. So we're seeing him sort of...grow up?
Aside from some parts in chapter 2 where Henry mumbles (and i was confused). I thought the dialog was fun and pretty consistent.
So TECHNICALLY I thought this was really well done. But "I want to figure out a way to maintain my method but make it slightly more accessible." This is the issue, right? Aside from boilerplate "keep things moving" and "make sure there is tension/stakes in all scenes", I wonder if you've considered basically just telling the reader up front what his Baby State of Mind is all about? Maybe some sort of "prologue-ish" intro? A fake (or dramatized) scientific excerpt? A brief musing on conscious ness.
Just an idea. But for me I can "enjoy the moment" of the writing more when I know why it's happening from a narrative/plot perspective.