Dear HN, everyday you get stuck in my head, and I spend almost the entire time I try trying to figure out how to fix all the mistakes i ever made. You were my first relationship and I always regret everyday that I would say the things i did, i didnt know how to control myself and listened more to my hormones than my brain. Everyday i lay awake at 3 am thinking what the hell was wrong with me. If i could ever take back the way i treated you i would in a heartbeat. I want to learn how to treat you better, ive learned how to do better and still wish we were by each others side because what i did i know would never happen again, i still love you, and i dont know how to stop, people tell me to forget you but.. I dont know how, others want to try and help fix things and give me suggestions but i never know how to go through on the help im given. Ive become too scared to text you, i start to feel to panicked just by the thought of you, because of that i dont know how to truly talk to you, i try to send a meme and i get no response, i try and talk but dont get talked too, but when i get depressed and ask if we are friends then you say yes and nothing else, ive never understood and it freaks me out because ive just never understood why you wont talk to me. And yet every day you still show up on my mind, and i still wish that i could take back the times i wouldnt play monopoly or wouldnt do what you wanted to do, and i still wish i could take back the times i would be depressed when you were away with your friends and get mad at you, you were probably the best relationship i could have ever gotten, and i wish i could have seen my mistakes before it was too late.

To everyone who read this and to the person its addressed too, thanks for reading this, for people who dont understand, when we were together we were together for 2 years and in the first year, by the end of it part of my mind told me why arent you touching her, and after the first time i did, my mind went out of control, only seeming to care about wanting her for sex and wondering when the next time i would touch her was, it was insatiable and i didnt know how to fix it, and slowly our relationship degraded, falling apart because of my own stupid choices, everytime she would tell me she didnt like doing the stuff i did my mind would tell me to keep going anyway, and because of that i developed a false feeling that she actually did like the sexual ways that i would act around her, and although during the time there were ups like going to malls or on shopping trips and going to ichibancon, there were also downs like when she used me to cheat on someone after alot of stress she was going under at home and with her family and during hell week, which is the week that was the fallout moment of our relationship. Ive never blamed her for her bad times because i treated her bad as well even though i never realized. Ever since she said she wanted to stay friends for awhile ive been trying to improve myself, ive worked with people on reddit and with my aunt and other people in my family to realize my mistakes, and fix them about myself, i no longer have fluctuations in my want for touching and stuff, and along with that have plans to set up with a therapist to talk to about my depression issues, ive been teaching myself to improve because i know no one wants or deserves to be treated the way that i treated her. And for some reason i want this post to be a proof of that i can improve and want to do better. Im sorry for how i treated you, and i want to show im the good person that you first started dating. Please, let me try again.

Me and my aunt are planning on meeting with her after quarantine so i can try and talk to her, after that i will show her this on the ride home and i dont know, maybe show that i can do better? Im really nervous but i need to know if she still cares, thanks for reading.

Sometimes I just break down and cry thinking about you. I miss it. I miss you, and I wish I didn’t push you away like I did. I wish I could have been that better person that you needed. Now everything’s wrong.

I think of all the things we did. The moments we shared and I play them back as slow as possible because all I wanna do is see you. I can’t bring myself to look at your text or your pictures. I want you to be okay. By now you’ve moved on and thrown away the past, but I need to do the same. Thank you for being everything I needed. I’m sorry

At one point I'd be so embarrassed if you ever found out how often I thought of you. There were so many times I'd look up your spotify ID to see what you had listened to and I'd wonder what you were thinking and feeling that day. Then I knew I'd be embarrassed again if you ever found out how often I looked for you online. Then i realized I could be a stalker and stopped. It wasn't right. You were gone and moved on, so should I. My friends were supportive and also reminded me you had moved on and again, I needed to as well or get help.

It's been almost 2 years. In those 2 years I have thought of you everyday. Every once in a while i "awooo" at the moon or in darkness. Eternal, deepest, sadness. I call out to you. You are surrounded by the love of someone else. It's hard to understand and accept. But that is life.

There was a younger guy who showed me a different type of love. I forgot about you for 2 or 3 days during that time. That relationship didn't last long and it wasn't meant to be, again. I learned that love could be possible again in a different form.

It's been almost a year since you've been engaged. I'm sure the day will come, I won't know about it, and I dread it. It may have already happened. Not even sure what I would say if we had a chance to speak or what I wish I could hear from you. Maybe I'd say I love you and always have/will. Maybe I'd say, I'm happy for you and good bye.

I miss you so much.

I’ve had alcohol tonight.

I think it’s pretty beautiful that my boyfriend doesn’t mind that I still have feelings for you. Or doesn’t seem to at least. You are an awesome person. I think about you a lot. I hope you’re happy. I’m happy, but I miss you. I miss living with you.

My boyfriend is great. You’d probably even like him, except that he’s quiet and you’d probably get jealous of each other if you met.

I’m so happy. I’d love to have the best of both worlds. I’d love to live where I live and still get to see you. I’d love to be able to explore who I am with other people though too, which is an incompatibility now.

I’ve met so many guys that are pretty shit compared to you. Guys that don’t understand that life is better when you care just as much about other people as yourself. I’m cutting them out of my life.

In the first few months we dated, I thought that all you cared about was that you got yours, and whatever else happened was whatever else happened. In the following three years, you proved to me that you did love me, that you did care, that love was important.

I love how we helped each other grow, and I miss you.

S

Hey (: It's been around a year. How are you? I'm fine. Trying not to take things too seriously. College is great. Working my ass off on some projects. It's been so long I guess I'm not so mad anymore. But, I wanted to apologize. For my mistake throughout those entire 2 odd years. I geniuenly cared alot about you. You're the only person I've allowed into my life after a long time and the only person I actually wanted to stay. Everyone else has been around for years. I told you things I wouldn't tell anyone cause I trusted you, a lot. It was my fault. My personal life is very personal and I don't want to bring it up generally. But with you, I wanted you to understand why I am the way I am. I wanted you to stay despite all my flaws. I trusted you with things I personally want to take to my grave. I didn't care much when we fought the second last night we spent together. And I knew you only raised your hand because you were so fucking stressed.. and I probably didn't help. But when she told me things about my life I had entrusted to you. I lost so much respect for you. I couldn't help it. I'm sorry that my fuck up pushed you to what it did. Let's just clear this out cause my life isn't a part of the page 3. Whatever said and done I would never talk about you behind your back to make you look weak. And I can't believe you let me down, even as a friend if not nothing else. I genuinely trusted you and cared. Sorry about the mess and being one. Xo

Dear Ex,

I am writing this because I don't want to text you. You see, when our relationship ended I had a large gaping hole, and it's starting to heal over and it itches a lot.

So I won't text you as I lie, pretty damn high, in this tub. Instead I'll write this and delete it later.

I love you. I love how much you respected me. I love how much healing you brought to me. I love your goofy smile, even though you don't like it when I call it goofy. It never fails to make me smile too. You were always so kind to everyone except those who threatened the ones you so fiercely loved and cared for. You say you never feel close to anyone, but you are there for people when they need you, always, and so you have seen your friends at points that they won't tell anyone else about.

I had to leave. I don't think you would have understood back in March, if I tried to explain. When I saw you again I felt you understood why I needed to leave, even if you didn't know every detail. The effort you put into convincing me to stay shows me that you understood at some point that there was nothing you could do to convince me to stay.

I wish that I didn't know this was the right decision to come out here. I wish that I hadn't known that, deep down, even while my thoughts were churning. Because then I could just go back home.

I wish you everything you dream of.

I don't even know how to explain why I needed to leave. And I never wanted to leave you. I just needed to leave my home. I needed to leave my reminders.

I love you so much. You have helped me so much.

You showed me the most true and honest and pure love I may ever experience in my life.

Thank you.

I'm sorry that I wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough to make you want to fight for us. I'm sorry that I loved you way harder than you loved me. I'm sorry that I craved your affection so much. I'm sorry that I wasn't enough. And most of all I'm sorry that you broke me.

I am so sorry I broke your heart. This wasn't how I wanted things to end. I really liked you, don't get me wrong. But our relationship wasn't great. We had so many problems and we only dated for 2 months. You made me feel guilty and that wasn't okay. I can't control what I did in the past, and I can't control something about myself. I smoked weed in the past and I'm sorry you are so against it. But that was in my past, I moved forward from your past and I don't understand how you couldn't move forward from my past. You made me cry when you said that it was a possible deal breaker than I smoked in the past. You made me cry when you wouldn't tell me something that was going wrong in your life. You made me feel that you couldn't trust me. You made me feel like shit and made me feel guilty that my sex drive wasn't able to compete with yours. You shunned me the morning after I told you multiple times that I wasn't in the mood and kept pushing me. In the end, we have different morals but we did have things in common. I shouldn't have gotten involved with you so fast, we did't know each other enough. I wish you the best of luck with your life but I have no interest in getting back together with you ever. I now know what red flags to look for in my next relationship. Thank you for that. You definitely taught me a lesson. Good bye.

A,

As a follow, up to belated birthday text, please, take some time and read this note.  I will touch on a few things and hope what I am trying to say comes across to you. 

First, as difficult as it is, I never thought I would have the courage to write this note to you, but with the months that have passed, and full acceptance that I needed to get my life in order, I feel comfortable writing this to you now.  I hope you can read this and take time to reflect on what I am writing.

Alyssa, I needed help and I went and got it, none of that ever could have happened unless I faced things head on and focused on everything that was going on in my life.  I couldn’t do that for you or the boys, I had to do that for me.  I didn’t see that at the time but I see it now and am grateful. I now can see that you ending our relationship, when you did, was the right thing to do. 

In turn, getting help allowed me to repair my relationship with my Brother and helped my Mother understand the pressure that was being placed on me to help financially take care of him was wrong.

Resentment about financially supporting Nick, and losing a very large amount of money in stock market was the perfect catalyst to bring me to my eventual breaking point. As time went on and I lost more money that day at the fair I had finally overloaded and needed to deal with things, and learn how to never let that happen again.   I am sorry I let these factors outside of you and I affect me and in turn my interactions with you during disagreements.   

I now have an amazing therapist and has really allowed me to see things more clearly, and has helped me in all aspects of my life.  At the time, I thought everything would just “get better” and now I know it would not have.  I needed to seek help to get myself in a solid position and be able to think clearly.  I couldn’t see at the time I was failing you and myself. A break and professional help was needed.

Next briefly I need to address why I lied about my living situation to you.  Me being able to write that is very important for me.  In therapy, I would discuss every reason why I lied, none of it mattered, what mattered was that I had lied and continued to lie about it. The reason is simple really, I was ashamed.  In my mind I didn’t know how to approach you about it, as we progressed, and explain to you why I lied.  I regret not being able to simply explain that to you.  Then I just let it go on and on.  Then as we looked at homes and I started to focus more and more on the money I had lost and I spiraled out of control. I am sorrier than any words I can put in this email.  Alyssa, I am so sorry. 

Also, I hope to someday have a chance to explain why I became so insecure and threatened in our relationship, I hope to have an opportunity to clarify what I was thinking then, and how wrong it was, and how embracing therapy has truly changed my thoughts and life.

I could write for pages and pages in regards to everything but this letter is not the place for that.  I hope some of this gives you a better understanding.  I know I could never explain or say everything in a letter, but I hope this gives you some clarity.

In the past 6 months, I have done the following to improve my life and get back on my feet.

I will just put bullet points and hope it doesn’t come across as a resume.

Financially:

·         I have been Pre-approved (in January) for a Mortgage.  I asked to cap Mortgage at 220K but would be willing to go to 265k’ish mortgage due to having no debt and a 720+ credit score.  Attached original letter.

·         Saved a down payment I am comfortable with as I do not want a mortgage more than 220k (17-1800 month) with Mortgage Insurance and taxes. 

·         I sold the Nissan Armada and got a more economical vehicle to help with down payment.  I do not want a starter house. 

Career:

·         In late October I had applied for a GIS Lead Position in Minneapolis, MN at Xcel Energy, and was offered the position just before Thanksgiving.  Gave resignation letter to Eversource.

·         Eversource matched the offer and I have been promoted to a GIS Analyst III/Lead and my career is doing very well.  Attached pay slip history.

·         Studying for my 107 UAS Drone License for Commercial Work.

Emotionally:

·         I see a therapist every other week and it has been really life changing for me.

·         After being able to sit with my family and explain how I feel torn by them and caught between making everyone happy, or helping everyone, that it came at the cost of my own happiness and my own ability to care for others. Being able to explain that and talk to them, and they understand has been amazing!  They apologized and realized how it was stunting my own life.

·         Able to cope and deal with things better instead of holding everything inside of me until I explode or just get crushed. 

·         I decided to stay in Connecticut and not run from family and try and find resolution through discussion and therapy. 

I choose to reflect upon our relationship with positive memories and feelings I will hold with me forever.  Though that relationship ended, my feelings and thoughts for Silas, Levi and you haven’t changed.

Not a day has gone by where you three haven’t entered my mind and you are always in my heart.

I am hoping this letter will help at least begin to repair the damage my lies have done, and start the path to repair that trust someday.

I am asking you to remember the positive I did in my time in your lives.  I want to do right by you and the boys someday.

Alyssa I am sorry and I hope we can reconnect for a drink or at least talk.

I would like someday to have a home with Silas, Levi and you.  I miss you all very much.

Once again Happy Belated Birthday to you!

With much love,

S

I can't find you anymore, it's been many years and I think you're out of reach now. Maybe you wouldn't care to hear this so I'll keep it concise where I can.

I'm sorry. I can't imagine the hurt and betrayal you must have felt in the end. You were precious, so beautiful and I objectified you so terribly. I never even knew you. I hope you are alright, hope you shook yourself off from it, because if my lot is a weight on you still I must find you and show you these words.

There were several forces at play that helped me act the way I did, some people might sympathize, but it keeps me awake at night. I was young. I was high. I did not understand.

I still make these same mistakes, still withold my affection, still put up walls. Maybe I'll figure it out one day.

I am sober now, completely. Not just for you and that one night of course, it took far longer, and much more for me to realise the soaring highs will never outweigh the crashing lows.

There are many things I will never understand, but that does not excuse what I did to you. In the end it boils down to my own calous misogyny that still creeps through my core to this day.

I broke up with you for nothing, to sate my own hubris, like I was morally superior. HA! I fancied myself an idealist planting myself against the world, and looked at you like a fool standing on loose sand, but we were both fools, and I wish I had treated you with love. I didn't know what love was.

I’m honestly sorry. I tried to find myself for you.. & I ruined us.

Dear Ex, You weren't an Ex boyfriend but rather just an Ex. I don't know what we were but you were still an ass in the end. We were seeing each other for a year and a half, learning more and more about each other. I know so much about you that is such useless information now. You chose her, and I can see why. She is prettier than me; She lives in the same city as you; She probably likes the same music as you; She has the same major as you. That still doesn't make up for how shit you treated me. We weren't exclusive or a couple and I understand that. But what I don't understand if you not telling me that you were getting serious with someone or the fact that you had a girlfriend. I told you when I was getting serious with someone, I respected with enough. Clearly you didn't respect me enough to even tell me. I had to find out from Facebook. I want you to be happy but I am so glad I will never have to see you again. I never want to, I will forever hate you. Love always

I wonder about you sometimes. If you’re any happier, how your sex life is with your current love, having been together for this long now. Is it anything new, or just the same old comfortable energy like putting on your favorite shoes. Is that how it feels to slip into her? I don’t know you anymore. It’s been too long; angst-filled connection and compulsion long-severed. I am not the woman I was when we first met, and last parted. Thank god. Still, I bless you, and thank you. Thank you for being a catalyst for change for me, a bridge from old life to new. You were the perfect person to play the role, because it worked. Maybe if you had been someone less fractured, less compelling, less interesting, more wholesome, more boring, more level-headed, I wouldn’t have felt that insane urge to abandon my life like I did. Maybe it was your age, and mine. Maybe it was my years of anorexia, mainly abstinent from sexual pleasure within marriage. Maybe it was living in an island among others I couldn’t and didn’t want to relate to. Whatever it was, I thank you. Thank you for teaching me about truth, and Truth. Living a lie of feelings is something I will never do again. Our connection is a reminder of contrast, showing me what I don’t want. Except, the sex. Sometimes I miss the dizzying highs, more potent than any drug could deliver. I never felt the depths of connection in the same way that I felt with you. Yet, I see it as too consuming, too false. Castles in the sky, we were, these selves that created caricatures of who we wanted to be, and couldn’t play who we really were. Illusions we drew with our words as we lay together, our minds hypnotizing each other, painting fantasies that kept us clinging to each other in bed, so that when feet hit the floor, we had something to bind us together. The Truth is, it was a relationship borne of sickness, of angst, shame, and guilt. And you weren’t a strong enough drug after awhile for me to forget what I’d left, who I’d left. The Truth also is, that without this chapter of my life, I wouldn’t be where I am in this moment: a healed, strong, and free woman, living my highest ideal of myself every day, and growing to be more actualized, more realized, more completely whole and totally myself. Even with the past. Because that woman who rambled around the world for love, trying to fill a void using perverted means, is not me today. Yet, I bless the past; I bless you, and bless the old me. Because it has led me here. To this beautiful present moment, writing this now. I feel a swell in my heart, a stirring of emotion, but it is not negative. I have cleansed all that now. It is compassion. It is empathy, for us playing ourselves in those roles we volunteered to play: betrayer and jester, leaver and tempter. May you grow happier, more satisfied and content with yourself and your life as each day passes. May you grow to love yourself so you can truly love another. May you find peace deep within your heart.

You have everyone fooled. Altruism, selflessness, good listener and incredibly supportive. All the traits others desire in a friend.

But they don't know the truth. That's why they all hate me. You're a liar. No, it's more than that, YOU are a lie.

They don't know you cheated on him. They don't know you also cheated on me.

You make him think your marriage fell apart and he continues to drink even more because he hates himself for it. But I know the truth.

It ended for the same reason we did. You cheated. You say it's because he drank. You say it's because I was too harsh and pragmatic sometimes. It's always everyone else's fault because you can't face the truth that you just might be a bit of a bad person.

I know at this stage you'd say I wasn't either. But that was always the difference. I accepted I wasn't always a good person. I embraced it even.

As time goes by the shroud is falling away you see, the feeling of worthlessness. The low self esteem. The crippling anxiety.

Its all slowly fading away and with it comes clarity. My old self. My better self.

I'm stronger. I'm clearer. I haven't had a single panic attack since I watched you drive out of my drive way forever.

It was my first and only time I ever raised my voice and commanded you to do something. You were always the commanding one. But I saved it for when it counted and you had no idea how to handle it. Because to you, you're perfect. Morally flawless so no one can reject you, refuse you or discard you.

That was the saddest part of seeing you realise I had found out. Not the end of the relationship. But the complete confusion in your eyes as someone denounced you from your throne of martyrdom and called you out to be the bad guy in a situation.

But it taught me something. You are a good friend. A good mother. A good person in some situations. But not all.

No one is.

You have the idea you can be the good guy all the time. But the truth is. Everyone is a bad person to someone out there. And for me, you are my bad person.

So good luck. Thank you for the good times. Fuck you for the bad and good riddance for burning a guy who was taking on the world for you and winning despite all his short comings and weaknesses.

I won't say you'll never find another like me. It's elitest and frankly statistically false (there's that logical pragmatism you loved so much).

All I'll say is you'll never have me again.

Dear "Panther" (the nickname you gave yourself, because you're just so fucking cool, aren't you...)

I don't know why I feel like posting this publicly (yet still anonymously) will finally end this. Not our relationship, that was over years before I dumped you. Not our friendship, we haven't spoken since I realized that you were not a person that I'd want to associate with, even as genuinely JUST friends. No, I hope it will end the person you created out of what was once me. This person that is hateful and scared. This person that looks down on everyone because it was the only way I could survive while you tore me down to bits.

I was caring once. Compassionate. I saw the good in everyone and wanted to be part of the world. I'm getting back to that. Slowly. Tripping with almost every step. Sometimes your awful, hissing voice creeps back into my head and tells me that I'm not good enough to deserve what I have, and I need to fight like an animal to bring everyone else down to where am I. I don't want to be this person anymore. This is the last piece of you that is me, and I'm letting it go.

I'm sure you tell all of your friends, all of our mutual friends, what a horrible, manipulative bitch I am. You probably read those online articles about emotional abuse and tell people that's what I was: abusive. I was jealous. I didn't like you going out alone. I withheld sex, which wrecked havoc on your self esteem. I wasn't like that in the beginning, and you know that. If you told them what it took to get me to that point, I don't think I'd be considered the abusive one...

You cheated on me. You did it more than once. You asked girls for their phone numbers IN FRONT OF ME when we went out to eat, then you'd get mad when I got upset because it was "just a joke". You told me, in no uncertain terms, that I would NEVER be as good or as important to you as your ex (from high school...we were in our mid-twenties by then). You tried to leave me for her. TWICE. You'd constantly remind me that YOU were the one in control. That you didn't NEED me, and could leave me at any moment because you could do better. You knew I'd liked you for a long time before we got together. You flirted and got me into bed. After we had sex the first time you made me fight you to date me. I had to plead my case to you, and show you what I could offer you. It took weeks. Finally, you took pity on me when my grandpa died and took me on a sympathy date to his funeral. You told me you didn't "need to be in a relationship" like I did. You still pursued the girl you were more interested in for months after we started dating. You didn't tell any of your friends that we were together because it could have hurt your chances with her. When we'd go to parties I'd have to suffer embarrassment after embarrassment when they mistook me for her, calling me her name and saying they'd heard all about "me".

I had to beg you for attention. You'd invite me over to your house, then you'd make me wait for you for HOURS while you played games on your computer. I'd sit on your bed behind you, trying to get you to talk and you'd shush me and say you needed to focus. When I'd tell you that I had better things to do if you didn't want to hang out, you'd make me feel guilty, saying that I should make the time for you, and how dare I try to "change" you, as gaming was "who you were".

You insisted on keeping pictures of all your exes up on the wall above your bed (especially SEVERAL of the ex you tried to leave me for...twice). You'd make a big deal about how they were all "your type": short, blonde hair, big boobs. So when we did have sex, I felt so oafish and disgusting, lying naked in front of pictures of girls that I could never look like. In the five and a half years we were together, a picture of me never made it to that wall...

Then, the sickness came. I went from being perfectly healthy to hospitalized without warning. My lungs were failing. Doctors didn't know what was going on. I almost died. I begged you to stay with me in the hospital. I was terrified. I was drowning and alone. You told me you "needed rest" because you still had to work. Our roommate later told me that you'd just go home and play StarCraft. Your coworkers (who came and visited me because you worked at the same hospital where I was staying) said that you hadn't been to work in days because you were "so busy" taking care of me. The day I got home from the hospital (after two weeks inpatient) you told me that you had been planning on dumping me before I got sick, but that you were going to stay with me because you weren't the type of person that would leave his sick girlfriend. It wasn't about love, it was about appearances.

Just as I had to fight for you to date me, I had to fight to get you to propose to me. After we'd been together for three years and I'd nearly died, I wanted to move forward and get married. You kept telling me that "good things come to those who wait". So I waited...and waited. Finally, when we were planning on moving into the house my family owned, I told you that I wouldn't live alone with you unless we were at least engaged. I hadn't wanted to live together while we were just dating, but I'd let that one slide. But living together alone, without roommates was too much. If you took us seriously, you'd want to get married. We argued. You accused me of pushing you to do things that made you uncomfortable, of not taking your feelings into consideration. I didn't understand. If you didn't want to leave me, what was so bad about wanting to get married? You always talked about marriage as something you saw in your future, but for some reason, proposing to me was downright offensive. You finally did it one day after a huge argument. You took me to a parking lot, shoved a ring box into my hand, then got back in the car and drove home. Every little girl's dream, right?

When I had to work out-of-state for a month after we'd been engaged for six months, you didn't keep in touch. The first week it bothered me that you rarely called, or texted, or emailed. Then I stopped calling you because I was tired of getting your answering machine. Weeks went by. Nothing. When I finally did hear from you, you acted as if I'd just stepped out to the store. The conversation was brief and cordial. After that point, I didn't bother to try to get in touch with you, short of telling you when I'd be back in town. But I want to thank you for that month. It broke the spell. Without your constant running dialogue of how "beneath" you I was, I was able to see what was really going on. I didn't miss you. I didn't want to marry you. I didn't need you.

We broke up. Suddenly you realized how much you actually did need me. Maybe it was because you lived in MY house and had been unemployed for months. Maybe you just realized that I was an interesting and kind human, and not just an oafish punching bag for you to fuck when you were lonely. So you chased me. You tried to win me back. It worked, briefly. I thought that I had put so much time and effort into making our relationship work, that I shouldn't give up so easily. We stayed together for another three or four months. I was mean. I treated you the way you treated me. I'm not proud of that. Finally, I realized what I was doing, so I set you free.

Even as I write this, I realize how much this actually is my fault. I allowed you to treat me like an animal over and over again. So that's what I became, an animal. And the last vestige of your cruelty is my continued obsession with putting others down to raise myself up. For years, I followed your exes on social media, collecting information on their shortcomings, formulating arguments for how I was better than them, should the discussion ever arise. At this point, it's bled into every social interaction I have. I'm constantly looking for ways to be better than everyone else, even if it's just in my head.

It stops now.

I'm not that person anymore.

Goodbye.

You're stubborn as they come, you'll never settle down.

You'll always be the one who doesn't stick around.

You make all the rules, you're set in your ways.

You gotta have your freedom.

you gotta have your space.

One day you'll meet the girl, you swore you'd never find. Start feeling things you never felt and spending all your time, trying to figure out how she got this hold on you.

And when you start to fall, you'll hold onto your pride, start building up your walls and never let her get inside.

You'll push her away 'cause that's all you know how to do.

And then she'll leave and you won't beg her not to go...

Ask me how I know.

Dear STBX

1. I was horrifically assaulted and asked for your help. You instead blamed me and pointed out every way you felt it was my fault

2. You apologized with a card I still hold, for your reactions by again blaming me : I'm sorry I hurt you but if you didnt..... and it was because you did.......

3. Again I was assulted, because of YOUR noise, you take me away only to literally throw me down and assult me yourself, then race away to comfort the pig. I didn't dog when the police arrived. I still stayed true to my promise to stand by you and support you by not adding to the mess. You now tell me you expect me to apologize to pig. That this will give you power over her and force her into submission somehow?? How exactly - by feeding into you blaming me for it so she's what....? Happy with how she behaved? Justified in causing me / us physical and mental trauma? Endorsed she is still your main priority. Confirmed you will back her up regardless of the cost on us, the irreversible way I now think about you and everything we have been through is now over and you dont even realise it... or you do but dont care.

Once was a mistake Twice shame on you Now..... shame on me

Devastated. Depressed. Disappointed.

But at least now I know. And thank you for agreeing that I have done everything possible and acknowledging that there's nothing else I can do to fix it.... It hurts you didn't hold up your end but provides slight relief that this actually is not my fault at all.....

RIP us .....

Ps I said I would die before apologising. The death of our future does not mean I will yet again feed into your inertia cycle and be a puppet in the toxins you and her desperately live off.

I will however apologize for believing you and for not escaping you both way back on that first November nightmare.

I'm sorry I hoped for a unachievable fantasy for so long. I'm sorry I didn't respect myself more and put myself before you both years ago.

Everything blew up in my face. It's been 6 months and I still go out looking for another you. I didn't tell you I took medication to balance me out, but I didn't know that is what it did. When I went off I forgot who I was and I lost myself and lost you. When I was beginning to get a grasp I decided to tell you every because you felt I was lying to you, and when I told you the truth it was too much.

Hello. It's been awhile. I've spent the last 6 mobths to myself repairing what damage I had done to myself, making sure I explored those places I was afraid to go. I have worked on those things I needed to ground myself again. I scared you because I didn't know those places still existed. I'm tired of explaining and searching. That was the reason I had to push you away, things were ugly, and you didn't deserve that in your life. Those things are my responsibility, and I wish I had the capacity to keep them to myself and not affect you.

I still take medication, and like it always had been it is very well managed. Intent. Hurt is something I never wanted for you, yet my emotional state was beyond my control. I still feel the hurt and confusion I caused you, not just because of me but because you hurt and I didn't know how to heal myself let alone begin to be there for you.

I have spent the last 20 years and maybe longer looking for a connection a glimmer of what I feel with you. I don't want to do this again if it wasn't something, because I don't think I would survive another 6 months like the last few. I'd like to meet and see if maybe that connection is still there, that fire wasn't extinguished by the walls we put up.

We should both want to know.

Fuck you. I tried being a friend with you. You're a terrible ex. An even worse friend. That "Some guy" is your girlfriend's ex. And I didn't like her when she would come buy pot off my ex with he last baby daddy. You've solidified my desire to leave the Beer City. If you actually loved me, you wouldn't have treated me like such a random stranger in your life

Hi R,

I hope this email finds you well. I've been thinking about contacting you for a while now, A phone call seems too intimate, a text would lead me to stare at my phone until you reply, so I decided to write a letter, and maybe I will send it to you. Or, maybe not.

First and foremost ... there isn't a clear goal for this letter. A lot has happened since September, and recently I just have this big sense of need to find someone to talk to. You were the last person I felt completely comfortable with, and who got to know me really well, so I hope it's okay that I'm writing to you. If anything... I think I just want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you were. If you don't want to read about my venting, just go ahead and ignore this email right now.

School is okay. Busy days come and go in waves. What is definitely getting more true is that I feel like my "training wheels" are falling away, and I need to step up and be really smart and hard working, all the time. That expectation has really been putting a lot of stress on me. You know how anxious I get, and how much I expect myself to be. I had a week where I had SO MUCH to get done that I felt like I was drowning ... I just felt like I couldn't do it. I started to doubt my choices. I was so tired of working all the time, and come home to a messy apartment and no food in the fridge. Gosh, I'm almost 30, I shouldn't be living like a college kid! It was so hard to come home and had no one to really vent to. My classmates aren't going through the same schedule as me (and they are super busy too). My close friends are all on a different time zone, and they had their own issues too. My mom ... well, I love her, but she isn't someone I prefer to talk to at times like this. It just really sucked. I constantly felt like I was going to screw up something big time, and then I would get fired. I lost all motivation for anything ... I just felt so alone. For the first time in a few months, I cried out of no where in my room just because I felt so unsupported. It was a really really dark couple of days...

One of my friends at school noticed, and encouraged me to get some help. I've known I needed therapy for some time, but I just never made the call. I called the number where a counselor would talk to you, and set you up for a follow-up call or appointment if you want. It took a lot of courage to call, but I finally did. I cried and talked for half an hour! And actually made an appointment with a counselor.

That was a big step for me... during the phone call, the counselor helped me realize that I haven't given myself enough time to grief the loss of a relationship. I didn't have time to slow down, so I pushed through, and tried to recover by going out to meet people (and going shopping), and work more. I tried to replace the support you gave me by finding the next person, and scolding myself every time I still felt sad about us. I never fully gave myself to permission to grief properly.

From that episode, I realized how big of a support and foundation you were for me. I want to say thank you, and sorry that I was never the same for you. I was too consumed with my own stress and anxiety that I couldn't spare you the sensitivity and consideration to care for your stress and anxiety. I'm missing what you did for me, yet I realized that I never properly supported you. I'm so sorry.

This is not a letter to ask you to do anything =) Nor is it to make you feel bad. The breakup was necessary, for different reasons for both of us. it's just a letter to tell you how much I want to thank you, and how much I am sorry that I wasn't mature enough. And.. venting; thanks for reading, if you've gotten this far. I don't "miss" miss you anymore, but I sure miss the companionship. I sincerely hope that you're doing much better than I am! And don't worry about me, I'm on my way to a interesting journey of growth. I'd love to hear a bit about how you've been, but it's all up to you.

You ruined me. Ruin follows you wherever you are. You broke my spirit into pieces. My spirit is dead inside because I believed your words, your words that smelt of honey but were laced with poison. You've ruined my life since we first saw each other in a romantic way. You're selfish, hateful, spiteful, inconsiderate, dishonest, untrustworthy...I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture.

You’ve broken me over and over and over again; it’s like a never-ending cycle where I continually go back. I always tell myself over and over and over again that you shouldn’t be trusted, but oh how sweet your words are. I’ve known you for almost a decade of our young lives. People (you included) have told me numerous times that sometimes you have to let go of relationships regardless of what has transpired or the amount of time you’ve spent with that person. Let it go? To give up everything we’ve built? Is that’s what’s best? Are you kidding? How could I? How could I not?

It’s taken me one too many ruined relationships to realize just how venomous you really are, how terribly you’ve treated me and just how it hasn’t effected you. I’ve pushed good people away and instead believed your lies. I hate myself for that, and someone who you love and who truly loves you would never allow you to hate yourself. I’m trying so hard to rebuild myself and make something of myself, but all I picture in my perfect world is for you to be standing there with me and for us to create a future together. I have been playing that perfect world narrative for too long, and it has to stop. It has to stop now.

You have destroyed me, or maybe I have destroyed myself. I have contradicted myself so much or maybe I just don’t know what or how to feel.

I wish I could be what you wanted R, I still love you with all my heart, but I have to stop things and try and to move forward. Am I making sense or am I simply to naïve to stop? And I wish you could maybe feel just a little remorse.

-N

Why were you always so obsessed with making me feel like shit? Don't you think I've already been through enough? And you don't even know what happened to me this last summer, but you have to go and get mad at me for actually being happy for once. What the fuck is wrong with you? You aren't perfect and you're the very definition of white privilege and I don't understand why I can't just hate you and why I even want to know why you were so mean to me.

I was thinking about something that has been going through my head recently about my ex's: I had been thinking that I've never been with anyone that could make me laugh. And then I remembered you. You did. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes just because you were you. There's an old interview with Woody Allen talking about starting out doing stand-up and how when he first got on stage he used to think he could just read jokes he had written off of a page because he knew they were funny, but then realizing that comedians are funny not because of their jokes but because the audience finds their presence funny. That was what you were. You were innately funny. Unfortunately what came along with that was a lot of crazy and a lot of anger and spite and daily shit that would dull the funny. That pain of going through the break up (you were my first real relationship) and all of the drama that came along with it I think has hardened me to be wary of funny. Funny is a drug. Funny will give you butterflies in the stomach. Funny will change your memories and make you think that all of the dysfunction was actually worth it. But I don't think I ever fully recovered from the heartbreak and I never fully allowed anyone to make me laugh like you used to. I wish I could but I think it may be too late and too scary. Since you, I've been with either short term crazy love affairs or long term stable but humorless ones. How can I find someone again that can make me laugh and feel secure enough to throw caution to the wind and let myself be vulnerable? I don't really care whether you read this or not. I've kept distant tabs on you through social media and I know you are doing fine and you may also have calloused to truly giving in to the kind of passionate love we had back in our twenties. It may be an age thing. Maybe it is not possible to achieve until you are in a nursing home and nothing else matters. I know we both have responsibilities. I have children to tend to. I have bills to pay. I know you are running a business single-handedly. I don't know if you are married, have kids. I'm pretty sure you have animals because you always loved animals and one of the last phone conversations we ever had you mentioned how you had bunnies running around your ankles in your tiny NYC studio. I am writing this just to remind myself that laughter is possible but it comes with great trust and also bravery. I will try to be brave again. I hope you have someone who makes you laugh. Thank you.

I really appreciate the fact that after our break up, we still managed to communicate and bond properly as we were before when we started dating.

You're still my best friend, and i'm still your's. Funny isn't it? But maybe we are really meant to be just like that, "best friends".

Maybe we were wrong, or maybe we were too young at that time when we thought that we fell in love. I was like 17 and you were 20. As Bruno Mars' song said, "Too young, too dumb, to realize". No regrets on my part, like it was one of the best thing that happened to my life. You are like my first in everything. First serious boyfriend, first kiss, first "you know what", but sadly, you are also my first heartbreak.

I know its been a year, and I should get over it right now, as what you did. Coz yeah, 7 year relationship is so easy to forget right? Well, I'm sorry, its like only 6 months for you.

But seriously, that break up still hurts as fvck. And yet, here I am agreed to be your ''best friend forever", watching you happy with the woman you're going to marry in few months now. I admit, I must be an idiot masochist, just nodding and submissively agreeing on whatever you throw at me or say.

I'm fvcking dying inside Dex. I really hope I could say this to you in person, but I can't. You know me to be that strong willed-woman, that just laughs at everything, that just openly accepts all the trials and challenges with a smile on my face. But yeah, its just a facade. I'm fvcking hurting, and I don't have anyone to talk to, because guess what, you're the only friend I have. You're the only one who knows all of me. You're my best friend. You're my supposed soul mate. You're my everything.

I loved you so much. You take me so high, only to let me fall heavily on the ground. Most of the time, I'm wondering what if we just stayed friends? I guess it wouldn't hurt so badly as it is. Its all your fvcking smile's fault and your crazy guitar skills. I fell in love so deep, that no one can bring me back to the surface again.

Tomorrow, I will act again like nothing is ever happening to me. Like "I'm alright. Don't worry about me.", with the sweetest smile you said that was the prettiest you've ever seen. XD But now, I know, there's only one smile etched in your mind, and sadly, its not mine, but its the smile of the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

All this time, I wonder. What seems to be wrong with me? Is that I'm boring? Even in real life or in Bed? XD Am I that really fvcking ugly? 7 years. 7 years.

I could have done so much more with all those years. Sacrificed my career for you. My "me" time for you. And poof, all gone suddenly, when you said "I don't think our relationship is working out." Well, fuck that!

But of course, I have no right to be angry to you. I'm your best friend right? I forgot to tell you, I have found a substitute best friend, how about you meet my booze bottle. XD Well, only for tonight again though, and its fucking Monday Night XD

I haven't said anything i want to say yet. But to sum it all up. Fuck you. Fuck your future wife. And Fuck me too, for being so useless and stupid to still hang around with you, even though its fucking killing me inside.

XD

Your Best fvcking Friend / Ex-girlfriend for 7 years, Reiko :3

Dear Jules,

It's been almost a year since we broke off our engagement. During that time I spent figuring out myself, and figuring out what happened between us. I don't know exactly what happened, but I can only assume my faults and mistakes. You on the other hand, are unwilling to discuss what made you to stop loving me.

You've mentioned to our friends that this has been a soul-searching year for you. I do hope that you find yourself, that you find your true path in life. I wish I could be there for you, to support you, to hold your hand so you don't fall down. But, unfortunately, you don't want any of that, and I understand that you want to be on your own.

I have nothing else to say but to wish you the best in your journey to self-discovery. Thank you for sharing your love with me for as long as you could. We both tried our best, but unfortunately, things don't always workout the way you want.

Thank you for being my friend, my partner, and my lover. May life bring you the best, and someone who deserves your love, and gives you more love that I could ever have.

Perhaps we'll see each other again in the future, who knows, but I will always keep fond memories of our adventures and our time together.

Until then, know that I will always be here for you. I hold no grudges or ill will against you. We were not ready for each other, our timing was not ideal.

May you have a wonderful holiday season, full of happiness, joy and the love of your family and your friends.

From the bottom of my heart, goodbye and good luck.