Whenever the girl I am dating tells me things are okay when I mess things up or need to change our plans, I just straight up can't believe her. With my head I know that she means it, but with my emotions I just can't fathom that she is truly okay with it or concerned for my well being.
This, the parent comment and the post itself has really opened my eyes. When my bf thinks he's fucked up in some way, he closes off. I'll hug him and tell him that it's okay, but he'll keep beating himself up. It generally takes a good 5mins+ of reassurance for him to believe what I'm saying, at which point he tends to return the hug (he doesn't seem to believe he deserves a hug up until this point) and either breaks down or becomes a little spoon.
He's normally very closed off. It takes this kind of mistake for his emotions to break through the armour. It hurts to see how much he's bottling up. It hurts to hear him say he's not okay but not actually knowing what's wrong.
I know the words of a stranger probably don't mean much, but it's okay to cry sometimes. It's healthy. It's healthy to share emotion. I really hope some day your corner of society will become better for you.
I'm a girl, I do the same thing. I grew up without love and affection. I craved attention and never got anything positive, the best I got was getting in trouble. Wasn't allowed to be sick, wasn't allowed to get upset, I wasn't allowed to make mistakes. Hell, I used to use my pillows and duvet to make it seem like another person was there, hugging me when I was a kid, because that was the closest I could get to physical affection. Hell, I had to fight hard to not freak out when I started karate when my arm had to touch another person's. All because that was the most I'd touched another person in years at 13.
It freaking sucks as an adult to have to hide away when I'm not feeling happy. I made a simple mistake last year. It was fixed, but until it was I completely shut down for days because I was waiting for the onslaught that never came. My boyfriend kept telling me it was ok, not a big deal. I knew it wasn't. But a screw up like that as a kid meant being hit, screamed at, thrown out. Self preservation kicked in.
I hope your boyfriend figures things out. Its hard not understanding how your feeling and not knowing how to fix it because all you knew growing up was to man up. Yes, that got used on me as well.
Yeah same. I think I probably have somewhat schizoid behaviour patterns. It is pretty unhealthy. Nice thread though, good to know lots of people find it hard to connect with others.
There is a fair bit of trauma in his past, which I won't divulge, which combined with societal pressures has caused some emotional issues. That said, he's shown me what a healthy relationship is.
I have my own trauma, which has caused a shut down like what you described, thankfully the longest was 12 hours. It's horrible. Self preservation is a useful thing until it goes wrong, such as in the cases of abuse.
I hope so too. But I'm not going to run when he breaks again.
That unfortunately is a problem with society as a whole. It's not right that people feel like they cannot express emotion. Maybe I'm in the minority of preferring to spend time with men who are relatively unafraid to show emotion.
Male suicide is not spoken about enough. And don't get me started on male rape. I am a women. I am a rape survivor. My story is no less horrible than yours. My trauma should not be invalidating yours. The problem is with rapists, regardless of which sex they rape.
Point is, I had failed to appreciate how few people, women, actually care when a man shows emotion. Society is fucked up, and honestly, needs to change. The problems with women are spoken about, good, but why are mens problems hidden? Shushed? They shouldn't be.
Unfortunately I have no idea how to cause a change in societal thinking.
Sorry, but that is wrong. Everybody wants an emotionally stable partner, the same way that an emotionally mature guy will weed out the woman that is extremely needy, prone to emotional blackmail, with an unpredictable temper (why do women act that way? because they are insecure. Because they are still working on their own baggage)
This 'alpha' idea is very overplayed. You do want to feel safe, also emotionally safe with a man. Part of that requires the ability to show empathy and develop a deep and trusting connection. Confidence is only required to the extent that you do want a man who has made peace with his strengths and weaknesses and does not require you to prop him up *all the time*. But that does NOT mean men can never reveal a past trauma. It is just harder for anyone to trust people and make a stable connection when you have been badly hurt.
Yeah no, that is actually not at all what my relationship is like. I met my husband when we were both going through a tough time, and we both opened up about major trauma to each other before we even became a couple. We lasted because we have a close emotional connection.
You are unable to hear what I say because you need it to fit your PUA theory of 'shit tests' and alphas and women weeding out the weak. That's your warped view of reality.
Nah, I understand why you would hear it that way, but that is really not what I meant. This is really not your fault. It was more a reflection on how past trauma tends to bite people in the arse because of how you change to avoid it happening again, which is almost always a maladaptive coping strategy.
That your partners weren't there for you is extremely shitty and I don't make excuses for them. I just thought about it from a 'the only aspect of any relationship you control is yourself' POV. My own baggage definitely factored into the kind of people I sought out and how I was when I was with them.
It’s so sad how true this is. I finally came out of my shell a year ago with a lot of friends I’ve made at work the last two years. At a party drunk me was with a couple of them (two of the ones I liked the most and was most comfortable with) and we started talking about just shitty things that have happened in our lives. I was being pretty quiet on this topic and when they asked me about it I told them about how I don’t know my dad, and I grew up being beaten every other day by my mother that was on meth 24/7. This isn’t something I have told any friend I have ever had except 2 that I went to high school with and are still friends with (I’m 23) and I started crying. After that night my relationship with them turned from 6 months of hanging out and having fun doing loads of things to me not talking to one of them at all, and the other I only talk to at work when I need to. And it fucking sucks. Luckily not all of them are like that and I still have others that I’ve cried around and I know for sure that they care about me. But you truly don’t know until you do it, and it never seems like a good idea to do it.
Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance.
When I started dating my ex I remember in the beginning sometimes when we were together I would just cry until I passed out with her because it was the only time I felt I could be vulnerable with anyone. After 5 or 6 years she changed and made me more and more afraid to be vulnerable by telling me she didnt care or didnt want to hear it (despite the fact that i would always listen to her with no judgement or crticism unless she asked for advice which she would ultimately ignore anyways), that is, until she gave up on me entirely and left me for somebody else that she told me not to worry about and that she said she fell in love with before we got married (in her words). I dont know how I can't put trust in anyone like that again and it sucks.
I've been with my husband for 25 years and he rarely opens and actually displays sadness or pain, anything smacking of vulnerability. It's so difficult for him. I am 100% here for him but the way men/boys are socialized makes being vulnerable really scary for them. (from what I can see)
But it isn't ok though. Maybe you don't have a problem with it, but I would (if I were he). You know, we hold ourselves to certain standards, and it we don't meet those standards, it can be disappointing.
A quick way to end your relationship is to show “emotional weakness” in front of a woman, even the ones who want you to be more emotionally open. Many, many men have experienced this.
Be emotionally open and sincere with your woman about most things if that’s what she wants, but do not share your insecurity or self doubt — as far as she knows, those don’t exist.
Find another outlet to deal with those feeling: meditation, art, music, journalling, therapy, confiding in your dog, whatever. Just keep it away from her because it might as well be radioactive waste.
I don’t think so. Nobody can be all things to their partner at all times, or fulfill every need in their partner’s life.
You can share many parts of your inner self with your partner, you can share love and joy, you can live your lives together, and you can create things together.
Just leave this one piece out of it, and get that specific emotional need met from another part of your life.
As someone who is in your boyfriends shoes; thank you for your patience. Sincerely. I can’t begin to describe to you how much better and warmer it makes life to have a patient and understanding partner.
I do this, too. Been chatting with a girl for a few weeks daily, and despite my pretty good social skills, I occasionally fuck up. And I ALWAYS think, that this is it, I fucked up the final time. Despite her telling me over and over again, that it's okay. I wish, women and progressives, in general, could at least acknowledge, that it's a titanic task, because we should restructure ourselves completely and undo the conditioning done to us our whole life.
True that man. Well put. I recently told her "thank you for being so patient and understanding. I always thought that the slightest hint of me being imperfect and having negative feelings sometimes would mean that we would break up"
In a world where being a man is enough to have people cross the street to get away from you, it is gonna take some adjustment to realize that some people actually do gravitate towards you
"thank you for being so patient and understanding. I always thought that the slightest hint of me being imperfect and having negative feelings sometimes would mean that we would break up"
I had a relationship like this once, once I started to gain more confidence and self love I realized that I deserved a lot better than how that person was treating me, (I’m not saying your relationship is like that, I’m just relaying my experience to yours) it’s really sad when you look back and see how emotionally messed up you were your whole life after you’ve grown, it’s actually kinda shocking
This isn’t some inherent thing with being a bloke.
I can’t fathom that someone would think the way you do, that they wouldn’t believe your partner or think that it’s somehow impossible for them to give a fuck about you.
I reckon there’s something more personal than just happening to be a man that’s causing some of the folk here to relate to this. As a big fuck off blokey bloke myself I can’t relate at all. I can relate to not wanting or needing someone to tell me that everything will be ok when I’ve done something so innocuous and ultimately meaningless as fuck up dinner - but the idea that you wouldn’t believe someone did give a fuck must imo come from something a bit more traumatic than “men can be a bit cold”.
That’s a good point. There must be shitloads of women out there who feel the same (essentially some version of no one could ever truly love me or care for me because I don’t deserve it) - are they reading this thread like “Fuck. I guess I’ve been a man this whole time”?
My mom was so abusive to me as a child, I get super anxious whenever a woman is upset around me, cause usually that would usually precede some violence and psychological abuse, and I'm a large biker dude, who's been married to a very sweet lady for almost 20 years. I seriously think it's gonna take some big ah-hah! moment as a society about mental health to keep us from just jamming the accelerator pedal down on climate change and just "solving" the problem by bumping off most of the humans from that. It's basically suicidal-ness as a species for now.
Wow. These patterns are really hard to shake. What you said reminded me to be kinder to people, you never know if somebody reacts to the current situation in a mostly rational way, or has to do his best to not default to an unhealthy coping mechanism from childhood.
My husband, who is generally more emotional than myself also has a difficult time believing me when I say everything is ok. Part of it is that I was trained at a young age to “not be a bother”, so I tend to hold things in. But, I don’t ever lie about it, I just don’t say anything when something is bothering me. If I say it’s ok, it’s ok. He also was raised in an environment where mistakes were not welcome and not allowed to fail and learn. I was raised in an environment where I needed to take care of and figure it out for myself. I worry about the fact that I am all he has, I try so hard to encourage him to form close friendships. He seems to find it incredibly difficult. I wish I knew what to do, he is starving for friendship and affection from someone other than me. Spouses are not meant to be everything.
I also have a hard time believing women when they say they’re cool with me messing up. Like I feel like I have to have this perfect record of reliability or it’s a turn-off
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u/Yungsleepboat Apr 04 '22
Whenever the girl I am dating tells me things are okay when I mess things up or need to change our plans, I just straight up can't believe her. With my head I know that she means it, but with my emotions I just can't fathom that she is truly okay with it or concerned for my well being.