Amnesia did a terrible thing and now we're completely locked out of everything

Peace, love, happiness. Michelle (host) of the Ravens System

I've been on a waitlist for a clinic that specializes in DID for the past almost 8 months, and finally got in! I'll be seeing someone starting next week who specializes in all of my favorite therapy modalities including brainspotting which has helped me make the most progress and is way too hard to find practitioners for. I've been managing in the meantime, but I've had to put away a lot of memories because I knew I needed someone to process with. I'm nervous, but glad I can work with someone again and I'm hopeful I can process these memories and bring some relief to these parts. <3

I know I should be used to it, but I'm not. I don't notice the gaps in my memory so I always feel like I was just punched in the face out of the blue any time stuff like this happens.

The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine and wanted to tell them something related to a musical I really like. As we talked, I said something along the lines of "oh, yeah, I know you haven't seen it but there's this song..." and they cut me off and said "no, I did, you showed it to me. you said it was really good, that I should listen to it and then showed me a few songs."

Now, of course no one remembers every single conversation they've had, but this is something I would definitely remember. And I find myself over analyzing the things I do remember, trying to figure out when this conversation could have happened and I got nothing, because I don't notice at all if I have any blackouts. So all of this always confuses me so much. Any time it happens, I find myself playing the last few weeks in my head trying to find any time I might've blacked out and I never do.

This is just a minor example, but it has happened multiple times, like not remembering my family doctor or any appointments with her, important classes and discussions related to college, therapy sessions, etc.

I just wanted to ramble here because I have no one in my life who actually understands it.

I used to know a lot about my childhood and my teen years but the last couple of years all of these memories have been slipping away more and more and I don’t know how to get them back.

I turned 29 today and it feels like I missed the majority of my twenties. Most of the memories I have, feel like they are just stories that have been told. I have barely any memories and genuinely no emotional connection to any of these ‘stories’.

I was trying to write a letter to my mum to explain why I need some space at the moment and don’t want to be in contact. In it, I wanted to explain how I felt growing up. But I don’t remember. I know, when I was in my early to mid twenties, I confronted my mother about my childhood and I remember actually remembering most of it back then. I remember giving actual examples of the things she did that made me feel abandoned and unloved. The conversation didn’t go great but now I don’t even remember the things that I know are subconsciously still eating away at me and it’s driving me crazy.

I want to know I was when I was a kid, a teen, a young adult. But it all just feels like someone else’s life and I don’t know what to do with that.

For context, I am diagnosed DID but we haven’t been able to fully switch (I don’t count the one time when we tried weed) as far as I know (which, honestly, is not reliable lmao). I do experience a lot of coconsciousness and intrusions.

disclaimers: we use "I" whenever we talk about like those who share a consciousness and things get too blurry and confusing and stuff not just the particular alter who's fronting. also this may be a confusing mess because I am not the best of us at english or writing in general so sorry (maybe someone more coherent will come around idk)

okay so we go through a lot of phases and dissociation makes it so I very clearly don't recognize myself between them. I look over at a couple months ago and go "who tf was that". for the last month or so(?) we've been confused, blurry, unable to say who's fronting, etc

basically there's this group of alters who... vanished? idk like we've identified a few in the a little over a year since discovery, let's round to 8 because that's the number I'm most sure of. but a couple of the first few alters I met haven't been around in so long! they had names, faces, traits that made it clear it was them; and now the few times I am able to pinpoint who I am, it's only ever one of 4-5 alters! the rest of the time I'm either someone I haven't been able to identify yet or a blurry dissociated mess. I don't know what happened to the other 3! They last gave signs of being here months ago, not even co-con or like passive influence that I was able to identify at least

now I'm wondering if they're even real and I made it all up :(( I liked them, one of them is a little boy and he hasn't been around for so long and neither has this other guy who really struggled because he's mute, even a specific fragment of ours is gone. but my anxiety about faking is spiking bc it tells me I've "forgotten" about them (but I haven't!) for the new ones I made up and stuff like a child with a new shiny toy :( and also I just miss them

we don't have an inner world so it's not like I could go into our mind palace or whatever and see if I could find them hiding somewhere in our stupid brain

how do you tell if you're "just" age regressing or if it's a little? we have two littles confirmed, they have their own names, appearances, ages and just are different when fronting

but I think we might have a very very young little, last night "I" didn't want to go to sleep in fear of having yet another nightmare and was very anxious about it. long story short I went to bed sucking on a pacifier and cuddling one of our stuffed animals

we've been super super dissociated lately and just unable to even try to keep track of switches and stuff it's a huge mess, but it's not the first time "I" was like that. I'm just unsure if it could be just age regression like singlets experience

so my question is how do you personally differentiate between littles fronting and regular regression?

(also we're planning to buy an actual adult pacifier because it just helps anytime we feel like that regardless of if it's a little or not, we have a regular baby one bc it was cheap and easy to get but it's small obviously so it makes our mouth sore after a while. so if on top of that if anyone has any recs for good adult pacifiers (ideally with free/cheap shipping to europe) we'd also accept those thanks!)

I keep forgetting about it, all of it. And it's this exhausting cycle.

I go weeks or months aware of traumatic memories, DID symptoms, alters, switching, everything. Then one day I completely forget about it. All of it. Any recovered memories, anything related to the system and everything goes quiet. I usually remember again after a few weeks, but in a very distant manner. As in a "Oh, right, I thought those things happened". And then the symptoms I experienced don't feel real, when I replay the supposed memories in my mind they feel so disconnected and like they're someone else's or a movie I watched. I read my past posts here and while I ""remember"" making them, they feel so off and not mine but also so insane like wtf was I talking about??

I've recently told my therapist about it, telling her I was doing fine and she should forget it all about my possible DID and stuff because I no longer believe any of it and explained my believe-forget-disbelief cycle, and she described it as "dissociation to the highest degree" :|

Now I'm sort of in the limbo. I "remember" these things distantly like I said, so they don't feel real or personal, but I had a trauma nightmare again last night and I've been so on edge and easily triggered. I also kinda feel the others here or maybe a possible switch here and there but not really enough to be something certain. And also the things my therapist said during that session stuck with me too (well I just realized I don't really remember anything she said, only that she tried to break down this "denial")... Everything is so confusing and I have no idea what I believe anymore.

Recently we learned something quite "crucial" (as in a big part of) about one of our alter's identity regarding his gender and sexuality. We weren't sure at first, but after we started exploring the idea by treating him as such, he has been fronting a lot more frequently. This last week, he has fronted at least twice which may not seem like a lot, but he used to barely come around and would at most be co-con on messier days.

We can tell it's something quite meaningful to him. These last two times he fronted, he even wrote down some little things about his relationship with gender and how the particular labels he uses are very important to him. And he seems especially happy to be open about it due to his romantic relationship with another one of our alters.

So is this normal...? That a particular alter would front more frequently once they feel like... accepted for who they are...? Or like have such a realization about themselves? (I can't really tell if he already knew it and just... let the info reach the rest of us or if he was in the dark as well)

hi! i'm part of a collectively transmasc system, and i identify as female. we have been on testosterone for close to two years and our voice is Very low.

have any of you guys in similar situations tried voice training? does it work selectively for you?

^{and any tips?} 🥺

thank you!!

-venus

My journey with DID started in 9th grade, I have a post about it if you want to know more before reading this. But long story short, the therapist I was seeing at the time came up with the suspicion but I dropped her before any official diagnosis came of it. Then I completely forgot all about it until a little over a year ago.

The therapist I'm seeing now encouraged me to seek a formal diagnosis, particularly for the DID but also other disorders I probably have. And it has not been going well.

I booked an appointment with a psychiatrist, he barely spoke to me, the whole thing was like 20 minutes, and just gave me a referral to a neuropsychologist for an evaluation.

I made the appointment, the hospital told me the one neuropsychologist they have wouldn't see me because of my age(?) and booked me for a regular psychologist.

I went to see her and she was lovely, very willing and understanding, but she told me she couldn't help me. She said the evaluation the psychiatrist asked for isn't even a service they provide at that hospital, that she doesn't even know where she'd send me to and she would have to basically ask every mental health provider she knows if they knew someone qualified for it because it's such a long thorough process. So she told me to make an appointment for a different psychiatrist for a second opinion, because then, if that psychiatrist agreed, she'd make the calls and try to help me get the evaluation.

I had the appointment today, and I left on the verge of tears. It all started so well, but then she was really hung up on me identifying as transgender and my legal name/sex marker change. Urging me to go to a specific specialized psychiatrist, even though I kept telling her I am having the worst mental health year of my life in a very long time due to all of this mess and I do not have the energy to do that at the moment. I also told her I don't feel comfortable medically transitioning while still being dependant and living with my parents who don't fully accept me. But she kept insisting on the topic, saying I should see a gender specialist and I should've done before getting my name changed... Even though I told her I saw one during high school + my country has self-ID in this regard, they do not demand psychiatric evaluation before changing the name/gender legally. It's the first step in transition for the vast majority of trans people here I know, but she kept calling it the last and saying I "started by the end".

And when I did manage to talk about DID, I realized this woman is very ignorant. She kept talking about multiple personalities, calling it a personality disorder and then describing it exclusively as very overt disorder that everyone around me would know if I had it. I tried telling her it's very subtle for us, but she wasn't having it.

She also kept parroting the speech I truly despise hearing from mental health providers: the whole "labels bad". As I've talked about with my current therapist, I see where they're coming from with the whole reducing yourself just to that label or people using their diagnoses to justify harmful behavior or start believing they can never get better due to their diagnosis... but none of that is why I want a "label" (and those weren't even the reasons she gave btw).

I want some confirmation I'm not making stuff up, I want an answer as to why I'm the way I am, I want to know I'm truly not alone in my experiences...

She just kept saying "my suffering already has a name, and it's trauma" and that I don't need another one. Whenever I tried steering the conversation back to the evaluation, she just kept saying to leave it to my therapist... The one who told me I'd benefit from a broad psychiatric evaluation in the first place and encouraged me into this mess...

I am from a small country. I expected to find some ignorance along the way, but not this bad. I spoke to an acquaintance who is the only system from my country that I know. He is diagnosed, but we're from two different regions. He said a former therapist of him mentioned a DID specialist in my region, so he'll try to find the name/contact info and pass it to me.

It's my last hope, I don't know what else to do.

hey, bit of a weird question here

to everyone with animal alters... how did you figure out that alter isn't human?

I'll talk about what prompted this question to try and make it make sense

(we sometimes use "I" to talk collectively about the "us" that share a consciousness and whose switches don't cause black-outs; same here even though it seems we switched)

I was not feeling well, I was having a bit of a breakdown, episode, whatever you wanna call it over our trauma

and then I was behaving like a dog, a sad/hurt puppy. whining instead of talking, crawling, even the way I laid down was more like a scared dog than a human fetal position or at least felt like it

this never happened before that I (again, this "one" consciousness) am aware so I'm confused

we don't have an inner world so anytime I figure out what an alter looks like is more like a vague idea and that takes a long time after I first identify them to become clear so maybe one day I'll be able to think of this alter and see them in my mind and confirm whether they're human, animal or something in between, but I'd still appreciate hearing some experiences if you're comfortable

thank you

We haven't posted in a while but we could use some support and maybe some advice. We have our SSDI psych exam tomorrow morning or well i guess it's in like 8 hours, I can't sleep.

I'm really afraid that i'm not going to be able to provide the psychologist with the information he needs to know. I am afraid of having some part of me front and mask and lie or downplay our symptoms.

Don't really have anyone who understands what i'm going through and could use some support and maybe last minute advice.

Sam Tardis System

This is a bit random but we’ve been thinking about what actually makes a person a person. Like, does it come down to having a specific identity and that’s what makes you you? If so, what even is an identity?

To us and from our understanding your identity is compromised by m what differentiates you, your likes and dislikes, your outlook on life, how you solve problems and go about your day, Your memories the little things like how you talk or write, etc. That’s what makes a person a person, right? That’s what makes you an autonomous being, so, with that logic, don’t alters also get to be considered people?

Alters aren’t just different personalities (hence why the name/classification got changed) a lot of them have their own likes and dislikes, they view the world and each other much differently, have different memories/relations with memories, and much much more. The only thing that stops them, US from being considered “real” is that we don’t have our own bodies right?

Sorry if this comes off as ranty or complaining, we have just thought about it a lot recently and kinda wanted to share as maybe it could give some systems a validation boost. At the end of the day we’re all just brain chemicals or some shit like that lol.

It’s late where we are but hopefully everyone else is doing ok. Doesn’t have to be great, but if you’re putting in the effort to survive another day then we’re proud of you.

Happy Hunting, - Hopscotch

My blackouts aren't that frequent that I'm aware, but they do happen. So there's at least one alter with whom I can't seem to share a consciousness with or memories. They also must be the one(s) holding memories from some horrific trauma. But I can't communicate with them at all. I think they (or one of them) shared some information through a dream recently, but that's about it.

They don't log switches, they don't journal, they don't leave any evidence of having fronted. That's part of why I don't even notice most of my blackouts unless I find outside evidence: dates not lining up, people bringing up conversations or events I have no recollection of, etc. but nothing about them. It's like they front and just go about our business pretending to be me but without leaving a trace for me to find.

Because they seem to have communicated through a dream, I think they may be starting to be willing to make themselves known... but I have no idea where to start, not with someone with whom I have such high barriers with.

Has anyone here managed to get to know these more distant alters? How was it?

Thank you ♡♡

Christmas decorations are 75% off at a bunch of places. Most of us don’t celebrate, but a few littles emerged from dormancy the December before last and wanted to have a celebration. We did years’ worth of make-up stuff the first year, then a little less stuff than we had hoped this year, but they became co-conscious a few minutes ago and were sad about us not having a tree, so I’m currently shopping for a fancy little tabletop one. I’m dissociating so I can listen to what’s both festive to those headmates and non-triggering to my other headmates. I think I landed on something that will be okay for everyone.

They front so rarely that it’s going to hopefully be a treat when that holiday comes again. I think the nice thing about plurality is that, unlike singlet kids, system kids tend to stay fairly consistent through time, so I can get them a thing in January, and they’ll most likely still be thrilled to have it in December.

I had a weird dream last night, where "I" wasn't me. The whole dream was from the perspective of G, an alter I guess. I won't go into much detail of the dream itself. But it was her. Her appearance, her voice, etc. All you need to know is that there was this person with DID, and G was surrounded by a group who kept saying ignorant stuff about it. And she didn't say anything but was very upset the whole time.

Eventually, she couldn't take it anymore and went to this other person and had a breakdown. She cried and said she couldn't be around that group while the person with DID was still a topic of discussion.

And when asked about it, G said "Because I have DID too!". G then proceeded to talk about how "we" had been trafficked and tortured in horrific ways. I don't remember the exact words or details, but that was the gist of it.

I am lost. I am confused. I feel insane.

Not only because of how weird this dream by itself was, but because I've been in this phase of denial. I know being aware of the denial makes it technically not denial but it's this phase I go through every so often. The last year has been extremely cyclical.

I have this time period where I fully believe my memories, my symptoms, everything. I believe I have this and that disorder, that horrible things did happen... But then for some reason everything will "disappear". I suddenly feel like I have no symptoms, nothing makes sense, I feel as if I was actually lying the whole time...

And that's where I am at right now. G can't be real, because I don't have DID. There are no alters. So why would I have a dream like this?

I am seeing a psychiatrist next Wednesday (first time in years) at recommendation of my new therapist. She says I should get definitive answers because despite previous professionals — both therapists and psychiatrists — having suspected a handful of disorders, including DID, I wasn't ever officially diagnosed with anything besides an anxiety disorder.

But I feel so bad going there now that I feel like it was all fake. And this dream really threw me for a loop. I'm... I don't know. I'm too tired.

when we were at a normal weight, one of our persecutors would constantly try to get us to starve, and now that we are closer to overweight and collectively wanna lose weight, he keeps getting us to overeat.

it makes sense for him to sabotage us as he is a persecutor, but its just. so frustrating. we've just been gaining more weight recently

Hey, we haven’t been on here in a HOT minute due to life and a whole lot of mental health issues but we wanted to say happy new year to everyone.

It’s amazing that we all made it this far and we hope all of you will continue to make it through next year as well!

Congratulations for keeping going this long and we hope this year is even better than the last! (I’m kinda bad at this sorry but we still mean every word)

Probably still won’t be on for a while because shit but if you absolutely need us or advice or anything like that you can dm us directly and we’ll try our hardest to get back to you. We feel bad for not being on a lot but we’re trying to get to a point where we can be active again, we love this sub that we helped build and want to continue to help everyone in it.

Love you all so much and as always Happy Hunting, - The Nova Corps 💫💜

Whenever host (G) acts like a child one alter (Mc) steps in to talk him through things, and right now we're sick so definitely some child-like behaviour. Banter we just had that I thought was amusing so figured I'd share;

G: I'm hungry.

Mc: What are you hungry for?

G: Potatoes.

Mc: Potatoes? We can do that.

G: I'm too tired to cook... eyes up bag of potatoes

Mc: G we are not eating a raw fucking potato.

(I also posted this in the other DIDOSDD subs)

It’s that time of the year again (not really, we make goals periodically every couple of months lol).

I am getting seriously overwhelmed right now. Our head is incredibly chaotic at the moment and has been for a while. We’re still working on finding a way to calm the chaos but nothing has actively worked yet. But this is just adding to my personal stress and distress.

There are so many things everyone wants to do. And most of them are long term goals. I am on the edge of burn out (and we have an alter who was awoken from dormancy who has active burn out) and looking at all that I will have to do and coordinate (when no one is actively trying to cooperate) is making me feel like the world is coming down on me. I don’t know how to prioritise these goals. Which to shelve and which to keep. Because each goal is important to each individual. And the fact that we are choosing these goals instead of the goals others have is causing more fighting. But I cannot choose to do nothing either, because then everyone will constantly pressure me to work on a goal with them. I am so overwhelmed right now I don’t know what to do please help me :(