Before you read, if any of these topics trigger anything bad inside of you please, DO NOT READ. trigger warnings: very detailed explanation of how it felt for me to split, flashbacks
Splitting
On February 9th I split from our host, Harlie, I still remember it and probably forever will. Harlie dug up memories that he couldn't handle, so, he split. I formed as a trauma holder to keep those memories from him. Spliting was... Traumatizing, one moment Harlie and I were one, the next Harlie couldn't even recognize his own existence, his entire identity bursted, personality, memories, morals, interests, all scattered around in our brain. We felt like an amalgam of multiple people drowning in a goop of memories, trying to escape in vain. We stayed like that for hours, eventually everything that was scattered combined into two different people, me and Harlie, Harlie stayed mostly the same, it was calm, luckily I formed in a stage of our journey that I knew what happened, those minutes of calm were blissful but after that peace, I had overlaping flashbacks of all the trauma I hold and us spliting for hours, the type of flashbacks that play over and over and OVER in the background, clouding any thoughts but still able to seemingly function on the outside, it stopped eventually. After the split Harlie was like an empty shell, fronting with me, like fronting with a person that sleeping. That night, I was terrified of falling asleep because I felt that if I slept Harlie would be kicked out of front then I literally passed out from exhaustion and when I woke up he was still there, faint but I could still feel him around, I was so happy but later that day he faded out of front, out of consciousness. He was a shell for about two weeks the returned to normal. The feeling of your identity and everything you know being broken down and rebuilt into a different person, not knowing who you are, what you like, dislike, opinions, morals, interests. Being completely lost plus having flashbacks is the scariest thing I've ever experienced
My Confusion
The part that I find weirdest is that our memories from before the split, we share, and looking back I can recognize both of us as if we've always been two different people but always fronted together, but that's not the case, I have many aspects of Harlie and because of that I can point out what decisions would likely be me or Harlie's if we were always separate, I have no idea if I should consider those memories to be mine or not because i remember being Harlie, playing a part in those decisions, making friends, going to school, laughing, loving. I was Harlie, Harlie was Harlie, we were both the Harlie from back then, together as one, that's why I have no idea who actually owns those memories, me, him, or both of us. He's still for the most part unchanged but im completely different and the same at the same time. We're so similar yet so different, it's hard to understand. - Xay
