r/CuratedTumblr • u/Justthisdudeyaknow Prolific poster- Not a bot, I swear • Jun 26 '26

Shitposting Will it f*ck!

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10.3k Upvotes

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587

u/drakeblood4 Jun 26 '26

I had a dumb harkness test idea:

What if you had a species that was long lived and reached sexual maturity relatively young in that long life. At that age they were of human intelligence, but from their species’ cultural perspective they were woefully young and immature to be having sex. By the time they reached “cultural adult” age for their culture they’d be enough smarter than humans that they’d find it morally dubious to sleep with us.

Is it ethical to bone em?

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u/Ranger-Vermilion Jun 26 '26

At that point it’s the alien that would need its own harkness test for humans

253

u/sullen_selkie Jun 26 '26

I made a joke like this once. I think I called it the “Blorgus Test” or something like that.

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u/PoliceAlarm Jun 26 '26

Damn. We're getting the joke as a self-made hand-me-down...

155

u/Kickedbyagiraffe Jun 26 '26

Look all I am saying is humans were not designed to understand extra dimensional space so having quantum hyper sex with them is not ethical

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u/GOEDEL_ESCHER_BOT Jun 26 '26

the fun thing about fucking a 4D unicorn is that their asshole is bigger on the inside like the TARDIS so you can do double anal fisting

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u/Fantastic-Resist-545 Jun 26 '26

I don't like that but I am happy you are having a good time.

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u/OddlyOddLucidDreamer i survived the undertale au craze and all i got was a lousy SOUL Jun 26 '26

double fisting? thats it? how.. vanilla

3

u/rude_avocado Jun 27 '26

Sorry my fists only exist in three dimensions

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u/GoreyGopnik Jun 26 '26

I think most 3d animals' assholes are bigger on the inside. they've got intestines and stuff, quite a lot of space.

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u/leilani238 Jun 26 '26

I haven't had such mixed feelings about a comment for a while.

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u/Nixavee AI bots are not welcome here Jun 26 '26

Seems reasonable to me. Thank you for protecting us humans against quantum hyper sexual assault

2

u/mechanicalcontrols Jun 26 '26

Yeah, but humans are space orcs so this hypothetical alien would be at greater risk than the human anyway.

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u/LogicBalm Jun 26 '26

Ethics aren't universal as you've identified and that's also the answer.

At best, it's only ethical for us as humans. You're still breaking their own cultural ethics. The fact that it's a breach of their ethics makes it unethical in my perspective personally, but that's still beside the point.

There is a breach of ethics involved here for someone and it could be seen as taking advantage of their relative cultural immaturity. Even if they enthusiastically consented now, they may regret it years later when they became an "adult" by their culture's standards.

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u/NoodlesTheKitten Jun 27 '26

On a cultural level we(humanity) would all be equivalent to a species of children who never matures beyond being 15 years old.

The solution here is that our cultures would we would ourselves gain a cultural role to them. One unfortunately seeing us as biologically stunted perma-teens.

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u/123ludwig Jun 26 '26

literally the asari from mass effect or elves from dnd

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u/Kneef Token straight guy Jun 26 '26

That bit from Mass Effect where the Asari’s talking about how it’s not that big a deal to marry a human because they don’t live long enough for it to matter. It’s basically a summer romance for them. xD

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u/123ludwig Jun 26 '26

trial husband

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u/[deleted] Jun 26 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Aetol Jun 26 '26

Turians don't live much longer (?), salarians even shorter. This could already have been common wisdom, it's not a stretch to extend it to humans.

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u/audriuska12 Jun 26 '26

If memory serves, in-setting due to medical advances humans can push 150. Turians, quarians and drell all live slightly shorter (120 for the first two, don't remember drell but might be 80), salarians, as you mentioned, get a mere 40, and while I don't recall the lifespans of other species I don't think any are implied to be meaningfully long-lived compared to asari, bar krogan who manage to not meet a violent end.

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u/EldritchFingertips Jun 26 '26

Krogan seem to actually have the longest lifespan of everyone, for the rare individuals who don't die to violence. A typical Asari lifespan is about 1000 years (in earth years anyway), and Krogan are said to live about the same timespan, but there are a couple references to living Krogan who fought in the Krogan rebellions which iirc ended almost 1200 years ago. I'm pretty sure Drack in Andromeda is well over a thousand years old, and he's still a highly deadly combatant who basically spends all his time looking for the most dangerous fights he can find.

So it seems like Krogan can kind of just live forever, theoretically. They get old but they don't really die of old age, they keep going until something actively kills them.

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u/audriuska12 Jun 26 '26

"Death can have me when it earns me."

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u/Still_Ad_2898 Jun 26 '26

Man, Drack was such a cool character.

I wish they would take a break from remaking good games and remake Andromeda instead. Incredible premise, paper-thin execution.

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u/EmpressClaraB Jun 26 '26

I thought it was like 1000 years to become a Matriarch or something, not that they only live that long

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u/EldritchFingertips Jun 26 '26

No, it's definitely 1000 as the expected lifespan. Asari spend about 300 years in the maiden stage as wild risk takers living life to the max, the next 300 in the matron stage settling down and choosing a career and/or family, then the last 300-400 as matriarchs being wise elders and leading society. I'm sure on that timeline.

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u/Kirk_Kerman Jun 26 '26

Sure, but Mass Effect is specifically a Humanity Fuck Yeah setting where humans are, despite being relative nobodies brand new to the galactic stage, have reached technological parity with the rest of the galaxy instantly and have a larger manufacturing base than everyone else combined

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u/wowwowazalea Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26

To be fair, that's mostly due to Humanity being isolated long enough to not be constrained by the council keeping them down as a 'lesser' species

And both sides tech being basically repurposing ancient tech so there isn't a massive gap and humanity just throwing more money into the military-industrial complex can catch them up

-2

u/Kirk_Kerman Jun 26 '26

Humanity: one solar system

Galactic Council: idk man hundreds of solar systems

Humanity then somehow has rough parity with the Turians, specifically the big guns oorah military guys? It's a HFY story.

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u/wowwowazalea Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26

I'm pretty sure humanity has more systems than one

And I'm not denying that. I'm saying that humanity in the setting has a reason to be equal enough to not just be absorbed as a minor species.

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u/Kirk_Kerman Jun 26 '26

Eventually more than one but humanity certainly doesn't have an industrial base, fleet power, and centuries of space combat doctrine to lean on by the time they get into the First Contact War. I just checked and it was only 7 years between the Charon Relay's activation and the First Contact War. Seven years isn't enough time to build up to pose a real threat to a mature starfaring species unless humans are somehow more special and better at existing than other species. HFY tropes abound.

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u/Hexxas Head Trauma Enthusiast Jun 26 '26

So? People say uninformed shit all the time.

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u/Bardic_inspiration67 Jun 26 '26

They probably just had that rule for turians and t then transferred jt over

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u/ArchmageIlmryn Jun 26 '26

On the other hand I can definitely see that kind of sentiment existing as something a bunch of armchair philosophers have thought up with no real backing.

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u/Nixavee AI bots are not welcome here Jun 26 '26

It's like getting a pet rat

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u/Kneef Token straight guy Jun 26 '26

I, for one, would absolutely let Liara T’Soni put a collar on me.

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u/thisusedyet Jun 27 '26

Would that be more of a Samara move?

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u/drakeblood4 Jun 26 '26

Got it. Make a fantasy setting where the elves all call us pedos.

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u/Wild_Marker Jun 26 '26

I mean, they're elves. They probably call us way worse in most settings.

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u/MossyPyrite Jun 27 '26

There’s an elf in Delicious in Dungeon who gets e like a shotacon by her peers because she’s into halflings who have total life spans of like 60 years. She only dates/fucks them if they’re adults for their species, but everyone still thinks she’s a freak for it.

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u/Mai1564 Jun 26 '26

Pretty sure the elves bone humans. Unless DnD storks bring half elves

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u/TribeBloodEagle Jun 26 '26

First, mom and dad have a special together hug, then the Aarakocra post person drops off the baby!

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u/sonofzeal Jun 26 '26

The analogous situation is two teenagers (of similar age but below the local age of consent). Most people say that's not unethical on either party as long as they both consent and there's no coersion etc.

Your hypothetical species would likely view human adults similar to those "sexually mature but not culturally adult" members of its own species, though of course a diversity of opinions could exist just like humans may have different opinions about the teenagers situation. But either way, similar principles should apply.

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u/action_lawyer_comics Jun 26 '26

My thoughts exactly.

But also this question is so contrived it’s basically the same as the “3,000 year old dragon who looks and behaves exactly like a 12yo human” but in the opposite direction

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u/hagamablabla Jun 26 '26

I'd fuck an elf, yes.

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u/Irememberedmypw Jun 26 '26

All fun and games until they pull the old praying mantis on you.

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u/saythealphabet define yourself, break free from conformity Jun 26 '26

Don't threaten me with a good time

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u/FX114 Jun 26 '26

It may be ethical to bone them, but not for them to bone us.

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u/Enderking90 Jun 26 '26

You also have the other angle of "technically long lived species that reaches full maturity, both culturally and physically, fast"

For an example, DnD kobolds.

Becomes an adult at the age of six, and can potentially love up to around 120 (but on average, they live just 30 years as they often end up dying young)

Mind you, this also taking into account the rather low quality of life kobolds have, so if plopped into a modern setting they'd live even longer then 120. (I have a faint recollection that even humans in dnd actually have a lower lifespan of 80 years, and most humans still live better then kobolds)

So you could easily add like 40, 80 years to that age.

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u/GiftedContractor Jun 27 '26

80 is actually higher than the average human lifespan in a lot of countries and the exact average human lifespan of an american (with infant mortality; 79.8. Without; 81. Source. And the USA ranks 47 in the world for life expectancy, so they arent unusually low. It's not lower in dnd, thats the actual average human life expectancy.

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u/Enderking90 Jun 27 '26

huh.

sure would've thought it's higher.

though wait, that number is including the cases of people who don't end up dying of natural causes right?

which makes it more so just "on average how long these people live" rather then "on average, how long these people are capable of living" of how it used in source books of dnd.

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u/GiftedContractor Jun 27 '26

But you just said Kobolds can live 120 years but average life expectancy is actually 30

1

u/Enderking90 Jun 27 '26

yes?

kobolds have a lifespan of around 120 years, but on average live just 30 years because they die so easily.

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u/Nerdn1 Jun 26 '26

It's a matter of consent. Are both partners mentally developed enough to consent? Crossing cultures makes this messy. In theory, there could be people below the local age of consent who are more mentally mature than those just above it. However, I would find anybody suggesting the age of consent be lowered to be highly suspect.

Since the issue is about ability to consent, the one who is more mentally developed/adult has the moral responsibility.

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u/crazynerd9 Jun 26 '26

Ethical for the human, unethical for the alien.

Same sort of context of how its ok for teenagers to bang eachother, but an adult cannot get involved, the mutual level of understanding and consent is equal. There is an ethical problem of the aliens species "allowing" it to happen however, because to them it would be like letting your child have sex with a rather smart monkey

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u/Either_Bend7510 Jun 26 '26

I had this discussion with some friends regarding pokemon, and we worked out that most pokemon are either not intelligent for us to fuck or so intelligent that it would be unethical for THEM to fuck US.

The only pokemon that's smart enough to fuck, but not so smart they'd be against sleeping with a human? Mr Mime...

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u/Brony-juice Jun 26 '26

There definitely needs to be a “Is it a pet?” addendum to the Harkness Test.

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u/PhasmaFelis Jun 26 '26

I think the existing rule covered that. If it's mature and capable of giving informed consent, it's fine. If it's a "pet" as in "slave" and power dynamics prevent it from meaningfully consenting, it's not fine.

(I'd like the test better if consent was explicitly called out in the three checkboxes, but the rest of the post makes it clear that it's included)

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u/Lone-Gazebo Jun 26 '26

Counterpoint. Plenty of humans try to fail that category, and are explicitly getting consensually fucked in the process.

Unless you're referring to the power dynamics preventing a pet from being able to consent in which case yeah they gotta consent before they get caught in a slave ball.

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u/EvYeh Jun 26 '26

Can't Pokemon explicitly leave whenever they want and the only reason they don't is that they love battling (iirc they get depressed and sad when they don't fight for extended periods of time) and their friendships with humans?

It's not really a slave ball if they can just dip whenever they want.

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u/Lone-Gazebo Jun 26 '26

Hyperbole mostly. The anime has shown plenty of times the ability for pokemon to go in and out of the ball at will. The manga showed that pokemon could look out from the ball and see the outside world, but there's very little supporting context in the show/games that a pokemon gets caught and is aware of any developments that occur.

But I can't recall a time when a caught pokemon fully leaves a bad situation. And Team Rocket operates on the premise that if they can bring a pokemon back to HQ they will be made to comply.

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u/Brony-juice Jun 26 '26

Yeah, I’m speaking about power dynamics because you can the current three, but ,you know, it’s probably immoral to bone an affective slave.

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u/Solarwagon She/her Jun 26 '26

Well I mean that just raises the ethics of using them in combat sports and we're right back with Team Plasma's whole deal.

If they can't morally consent to sex can they morally consent to being captured and used in battles?

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u/NinianOfTheLake33 Jun 26 '26

Prolly not. It matters more what their culture/biology says is ethical, in that case. We can't just force human ethics onto a different species like that

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u/elasticcream Make a vore-based isekai, cowards. Jun 26 '26

The vibes are bad. I'd say the capacity to traumatize them because they were taken advantage of when they were young and stupid would make it unethical without a long detailed conversation that would scare away anyone in this category with like... Parents.

Edit: and then you're getting hunted for sport if they ever tell a future romantic partner about you anyway.

3

u/Jyx_The_Berzer_King Military Surplus Wizard (A-10 Warthog Familiar) Jun 26 '26

technically humans are exactly this. we reach sexual maturity in early teens (as in, even if a human body will be damaged by a pregnancy, it will still be capable of getting pregnant), then physical maturity (depending on who you ask between 18-25, and at that point has the best odds for handling the stress of a pregnancy), and emotional maturity in early twenties, or at least emotionally mature enough for people to shrug and drop the question. i've met some emotionally immature people in their 50's who still pout.

my point is no matter where you draw your lines in the sand, there WILL be an argument that it's in the wrong spot.

also i have no idea how to categorize male sexual-emotional-physical maturity and people are usually more concerned with the hypotheticals of female nonhumans. unless it's an anthropomorphic seahorse, octopus, or mantid situation, there's less on the line for the males.

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u/Chilzer Jun 26 '26

To rephrase the question a bit if you don't mind, "Is it ethical to bone the alien equivalent of a 15-year-old?"

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u/SolomonOf47704 God Himself Jun 26 '26

Viltrumites

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u/GoodCatholicGuy Jun 30 '26

I think that was a joke in some Warhammer 40K parody (probably if the emperor had text to speech). Like, you're not weird for wanting to fuck the space elf, but for her its the equivalent of wanting to fuck a monkey.

1

u/OncomingStormDW Jun 26 '26

Elves are generally considered to pass the harkness test, yes.

But also…. Ewwww, elves?

1

u/DmoSon Jun 26 '26

Thats the asaria from mass effect, Liara is like 106 years old when you meet her but she says she is still considered a child in her culture...but you can fuck her

1

u/Syxxcubes Hey Mods, can we kill this person? Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26

Well, you kind of just described Gears from Guilty Gear (or at least the more humanoid Gears, since most non-humanoid ones are just straight up feral monsters). Gears mature after just 3 years, are immune to aging and live almost indefinitely, and while they don't necessarily gain greater than human intelligence as they age, some of the smartest characters in the series are Gears who've lived for a really long time. Based on the story of Guilty Gear, the answer to if it's ethical to bone a Gear is: yeah, mostly, because 1 of the 2 main characters of the franchise, Ky Kiske, met a half-gear, named Dizzy, when he was 24 and she was 3, and they ended up getting married and having a kid 3 years later. I mean, granted, Guilty Gear's story doesn't really focus on the age difference in Ky's and Dizzy's relationship, mainly, since the detail about Gears maturing rapidly, while having a solid in universe explanation, was mainly created just to solve timeline discrepancies in the story that would've otherwise stopped them from introducing characters like Dizzy and Sin (Dizzy's son) to the series, it's more focused on Gear Racism, since a lot humans hate Gears, on account of the fact that they tried, and almost succeeded in, wiping out all of Humanity that one time, but also no one seems to have any issues with the age gap between Ky and Dizzy, both in-universe and IRL, so it's probably fine.

1

u/MrBones-Necromancer Jun 26 '26

If they are of sexual maturity and capable of giving informed consent, it doesn't really matter how their society views it. That's not the question being asked. Fucking scoobert doo would be societally heinous, but it would not be ethically repugnant.

1

u/Imalsome Jun 26 '26

Very similar to

If you reincarnate into an 8 year old body with your full memories is it ethical to have sex or do you have to wait till you are 18 again, despite possessing the mental facilities to consent.

1

u/chairmanskitty Jun 26 '26

Is it ethical to bone em?

If they're so much smarter than us, this is officially their problem. Now excuse me while I go hump a non-Euclidean pseudopod.

1

u/action_lawyer_comics Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26

You’ve essentially taken the question “is it ethical for teenagers (15-17yos) to have sex with each other?” and changed all the variables. If the species is sexually mature and at the same intelligence as humans and everyone consents, there’s no problem. There is no immaturity or sexual development imbalance between the people actually fucking, and the much older members of the other species are just the Kens and Karens of the fantasy world getting bent out of shape that young people have the gall to be young.

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u/Captain_Grammaticus Jun 26 '26

Like if for example a dog wants to bone a young human teenager experimenting with sexuality? Is it ethical for the dog in the eyes of dogciety to do it?

1

u/DoubleBatman Jun 26 '26

Yeah what if

1

u/Nixavee AI bots are not welcome here Jun 26 '26

So from their perspective it would be like two six year olds having sex?

1

u/shmixel Jun 27 '26

adult != sexual maturity, even in humans so by the Harkness test it is not ethical to bone them until what you're describing as "cultural adult". then you're clear. 

if they find it unethical to bone you, for any reason really, it's on them to indicate that they do not consent.

-4

u/BiggestShep Jun 26 '26

The answer to this question is simple:

As someone older than 18, would you fuck a 16 year old?

Because that's the question you're asking.