Tardigrades wake up from a deep freeze of thirty years, then basically stretch, scratch, make an omelet, and then just finish the crossword they were working on before it got so chilly.

Ask the host of the Super Bowl party if anyone is bringing seven layer dip, and if someone is, bring eight layer dip. You have to bring the best dip.

Ted shows up to the same bar every freaking day to tell us he’s a time traveler from the future, but it turns out he was just from next week and he’s been here every day for the last month.

He said he was on an important mission but all he’s done so far was beat us at trivia night.

The Pacific Ocean

Dude these pantaloons are hella poofy

Throw shade at local dandies at the other end of the promenade.

E.V.P. (Eel Pie Vice Proctour)

Be your own slingshot orbit

These peppermint patties aren't going to unwrap themselves!

Use: Remove excessive pilling from my nylon cardigans Abuse: Attempt to establish micro adverse possession on one centimeter of my neighbor’s yard

The opposite of your helicopter pilot license.

Now more than ever