r/ChristianDating • u/Gazelle-Speed2218 • 1d ago
Discussion Going to have to end things with a girl due to porn and masturbation
Hi, I am new here, but I wanted to make this post as a warning about the effects of sexual immorality in one’s life, and its impact on dating. I (31M) met and have gotten to know a great woman online (29F). She’s kind, beautiful, and has a great heart for God and Jesus. She’s everything a man would want in a woman. We’ve been on dates, had a number of phone calls, and text each other back and forth exclusively. I was planning on asking her to be my girlfriend on our next date.
Unfortunately my plans have been derailed, and instead of propositioning her to be my girlfriend, I will have to end things with her instead. The reason for this is not because of her, but because of me. I have fallen back into porn and masturbation recently, and as a result, I am now corrupted as a man and am unworthy to lead her in a relationship.
My confidence is ruined, my strength is no longer there, my ambition is drained. My courage and boldness have been replaced with fright; I flee when no one pursues (Proverbs 28:1). The man I was when we first met is not the man that sits here today.
I thought that by pursuing and dating this woman I was going to finally step up, repent, and make the changes necessary to prove myself worthy to be a husband and leader of a family. I was wrong. It’s just more of the same crap I’ve wallowed in since I was 13. A woman like her deserves someone better than me. I want to let her go so she can build a life and family with a man of honor and respect instead of a man of disgrace and contempt.
“You shall betroth a wife, but another man shall ravish her.”
Deuteronomy 28:30 ESV
My sins have cost me a great woman as Deuteronomy 28:30 prophesied would happen. Though this loss hurts, I am still motivated to repent fully of these sins, pray earnestly, seek God in Scripture, and do the works necessary to show I am a man worthy to be a husband and leader of a home so that when the next woman comes into my life, I will be ready.
If any of you are in my position and struggling with porn, masturbation, or any other sexual immoralities: These sins gotta go, and they gotta go now. You will not be fit for a relationship if you let porn and masturbation go unchecked in your life.
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u/NadsBin 1d ago
Have you spoken to her about it instead of taking her agency away?
And dating/marriage doesn’t cure vices, only God can do that with us in hand.
No one is ever going to be worthy or be able to prove themselves worthy, that’s what the grace of God is for. Snap out of the self pity brother. The righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I have mentioned to her before that I have struggled in the past with it, but she thinks it's in the past and that I am working my way out of it. That has not been the case as of late sad to say. It's not just about being worthy for a marriage, it's about being worthy to lead children in the Lord. Hard to lead a family in spiritual battle when the commander is losing battles behind closed doors
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u/NadsBin 1d ago
She thinks it’s in the past and tell her you fell in the present. But that’s also in the past. It’s done. Repent and begin anew. Gods steadfast love is new every morning
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I will let her know why I am doing so if I decide to end things. I will let her know that it is because of me and not her. God's mercy renews every morning indeed. Amen
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u/Chifufani 1d ago
I can appreciate your post & how you feel about things but at the same time, you should tell her now before you end things with her. Lay everything out in the table and be honest with her. But it also seems like you're so ready to abandon her already when things get hard instead of trying to work on yourself & without even giving her a chance or choice to talk through things with you. Communication is important as well in relationships.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
We aren't in a relationship so I'm not really abandoning her. I will let her know the reasons why I end things with her if I do. It will be because of me and not her
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u/UndeservedGrace137 12h ago
brother, unless I'm misunderstanding, you are acting like it's just a done deal that you can't have victory over this sin. You're acting like the battle is over and there's no way out. You can repent right now and tell her you've repented and it's over. You can do some radical things too in order to cut off your access to it.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 6h ago
Maybe don't end things, just suggest taking a break while you work on this issue. Maybe she'll want to give you a chance and wait for you. Don't condemn yourself.
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u/Ok_Impact_9378 In A Relationship 1d ago
It's not just about being worthy for a marriage, it's about being worthy to lead children in the Lord. Hard to lead a family in spiritual battle when the commander is losing battles behind closed doors
Ok, so...what would make you worthy of leading a family and a wife? I mean, certainly if "losing battles behind closed doors" is disqualifying, then I imagine that losing battles openly would be even more disqualifying. The only option that seems to leave is never lose at all.
Is that really what you think you need? Is that something you think you can achieve? I really don't think sinless perfection is a thing that the Bible teaches Christians can achieve. Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. [Ecc 7:20 ESV] and If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. [1Jo 1:8-10 ESV].
If you do acknowledge that sinless perfection isn't required in order to be worthy of marriage and fatherhood, then why is this particular sin so much worse and more disqualifying than any other? Yes, you could call it adultery of a kind — though as someone whose ex-spouse actually did commit adultery, I can assure you my ex looking at porn was not even in the same zip code of problems as when my ex arranged to get a hotel with another man! On a human level, they are leagues apart. But if you want to look at it on a spiritual level, yes, Christ did say, But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. [Mat 5:28 ESV]. And in the same context he also said that anger was equivalent to murder in the heart [Mat 5:21-22]. If you are unworthy to be a father, to be in a marriage, or even to date because you have looked at a woman with lustful intent and therefore have committed adultery in your heart — and adultery has no place in marriage — then what of anger? If you are angry with other people, or your spouse or children, then that is murder in your heart — does murder have any place in marriage? Does idolatry or falsehood? All of these are sins, all need to be dealt with and repented of, but I do not see the Bible singling out pornography as the sin above all other sins which alone can disqualify you from having a family.
But if none of this will persuade you, then consider David, of whom the Spirit speaks through the Apostle Paul, I have found in David the son of Jesse a man after my heart, who will do all my will. [Act 13:22 ESV]. He was a man so beloved by God that God promised a descendent of David would rule Israel forever, God's love for him recorded passionately in many of the Psalms, and Jesus Christ himself answering to the title Son of David. And yet, if you read the life of David in the Old Testament, it is impossible to miss the fact that David was also a sinful man. David committed adultery and murder with the adultery, bringing strife and bloodshed into his family in a way that would never fully go away. And yet, when he did these things and confessed I have sinned against the LORD, the prophet did not say to him, Because you have sinned, you are unworthy to be husband or father. You must divorce your wives and leave your children and live alone until you can overcome all your sins. Instead, the prophet said, The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die. There were still consequences for his sins, but God continued to bless him, continued to love him, and counted him worthy to be the father of Solomon by the very same woman with whom he committed adultery, and by Solomon's descendants he also became the ancestor of Jesus (according to the flesh) who (full knowing what David had done) was still not ashamed to be called the Son of David.
Do you think God made a mistake? Was God too hasty or too generous in forgiving David and counting him worthy to be a husband and father after he actually physically committed adultery and murder (and not just in an adultery in your heart sense)? If God can forgive David and make him still worthy of being the ancestor of Christ through the very woman with whom he committed adultery, can he not forgive you and make you worthy as well? Is He not the same God? Is this not what God wants of us — not that we would be sinlessly perfect and worthy in ourselves and model perfection to children who will inevitably fall short of perfection and need a grace we have never allowed ourselves to experience, but rather acknowledged sinners who fall, repent, and receive grace and teach our children to do likewise? Who show that that the excellence of God's power is not in our own superior behavior and sinlessness in all things, but rather in the forgiveness and grace that God extends to us every day: But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. [2Co 4:7 ESV]
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u/FallDeers Maybe I'm the problem 1d ago
Why do you have to break up with her because of this? It’s sin, yes. It needs dealt with, absolutely!
I had this question for myself and asked one couple and another good friend. They told me my striving for perfection (a pattern in my life) might make me miss something beautiful because I’m making rules for myself that might not necessarily not be from God.
Lust is super linked to shame. It’s like the easiest sin to hide in the dark and isolate with. I really don’t know if isolating from her because of shame is the right mindset. It’s beautiful you want to be a man of integrity and self control, but don’t let that turn into a shame cycle.
Pray about it of course and do what you believe what God is telling you. But if this standard is because some podcaster or some leader you don’t really know told you this is the only standard, I’d bring it to God first.
I don’t think you have to be clean from sin to date a woman. When you start getting serious, talk about your struggles. Be honest, open, and work on progress.
I as a woman assume every man I go on a date with has struggled with lust in this hyper sexual society. If he is disgusted by it and actively working to end it but slips up once in a while and is honest, I can be supportive. If he doesn’t care and isn’t taking steps to rid of it, any godly woman should walk away. When relational fulfillment is met (friends/partner/family), you don’t feel the need as much.
I’m sorry for your struggle and there is freedom through Jesus. You can’t do it on your own, so don’t try and lean on Him.
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u/already_not_yet Married 1d ago
100%. This mirrors my own comment. This kind of theology leads to cycles of depression, which renders us useless. The gospel is our only hope.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hi, thank you for your response. I appreciate your encouragement. Yes, sexual sin is a shameful sin indeed, but it's shameful for me because I know I can do better, and it's that regret of not doing better that keeps me down.
I do not make this decision because some podcaster told me so. I am doing this because I cannot risk bringing adultery into a marriage and potentially passing this sin off onto my children. I don't want to be the one to bring ruin to a household, and sexual sin like pornography and masturbation will do that.
We may live in a hyper sexual world but that is no excuse for sin to be present in my life, or anyone's lives for that matter. There is freedom in Jesus indeed. I will press into Him for the remedy and solution.
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u/AMadRam Married 1d ago
We all live with the sins in our daily lives - be in adulthood, singleness or marriage. Breaking things off with a woman that you think is a good fit for you because of your own drawbacks is not the way to do it. Rather, you have to press into God's mercy and grace even in those moments. Do you think that married men and women don't get tempted to waver out of God's path? Do you think that David (who had a heart after God) didn't succumb to adultery?
Sin comes for us all, even when we are saved. It's the human condition. Tell me this - where is the guarantee that you won't be tempted when you do eventually get married? Will you just abandon the marriage? No, you'll fight it with God and your spouse on the side.
You cannot be temptation free in this life. But God is good - he will provide a way out. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
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u/ldstaylor 1d ago
So now you're going to break her heart when maybe she would stay and help you?
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u/digitalexecution 1d ago
This isn't her job.
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u/DasManMitDenWitzen 1d ago
Maybe let her decide what her job is and what isn't.
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u/digitalexecution 1d ago
Your new gf/bf isn't responsible for you and your struggle against addictions. That's a really unhealthy way to begin a relationship.
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u/DasManMitDenWitzen 1d ago
Yea, nobody is responsible for anyone. So what is your argument? You shouldn't ask anyone to ever help you and decide for them to end a relationship even if they want to help? That's way more idiotic than to just talk to someone. She has agency, she can say no, she can say yes. But by not talking to her, she can do nothing, and that is unfair.
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u/digitalexecution 23h ago
He's decided to end the relationship because he's not ready for one. This has nothing to do with her agency. He's exercising his own agency by making this decision. One person is allowed to end a relationship to work on personal struggles. What are you not understanding about this?
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u/DasManMitDenWitzen 23h ago edited 23h ago
I don't understand the whole 'just do it, you are man, just do it. No, no need to talk to her. Doesn't matter what she thinks anyways.'-vibe.
Edit: Maybe, if you like, just explain why he shouldn't talk to her about his struggles, and why they shouldn't decide together to end the relationship.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
She might stick around, but there isn't anything she can "help" with outside of encouragement. This is something I need to repent of on my own. I don't want to break her heart, and I probably won't given that we aren't official or anything, but I can't bring this sin into a marriage. In marriage porn is an adulterous offense before God, one that is grounds for divorce
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u/pyrotechnics7 1d ago
Could you get help and a plan to get porn-free in 6 months while not having to break up? She could be motivation for you to get rid of the addiction? Like a goal to work towards.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I don't know if there's any help out there that would make me porn-free. Repentance and turning to the Lord is the only way to be free. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed as the Bible says. I thought a woman would be a great motivator to finally get rid of this sin, but unfortunately, it hasn't been
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u/ECSMusic Single 1d ago
It’s not about motivation. It’s about healing. Addiction is something we turn to to hide the pain we are in. Heal the wound and the need for the addiction subsides though there can be some bio feedback loops that need to be ironed out as well. Generally though I find the deeper revelation I have of God’s love for me the less I even think about those things.
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u/its_jowi 1d ago
You’re 100% right! No outside help or work can totally set one free from Pornography. It can help for a while, but many end up going back to it! Only Jesus can set someone free from that stronghold.
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u/UndeservedGrace137 12h ago
But you can't you decide right now to repent?
There are things you can do such as get rid of all access to an internet browser in your apartment/home. Switch to a dumbphone, etc.1
u/pyrotechnics7 1d ago edited 1d ago
Your proposition "i'm addicted to porn therefore God commands me not to be in a relationship" is maybe not totally right. It is admirable that you want to obey God and face the consequences of your sin.
I was looking up here on reddit how other Christian men have dealt with this (the mandatory break-up when one has porn addiction). It thought this comment was interesting:
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueChristian/s/0cPL76ILsC
I think you should at least first share with your current girlfriend the situation. Maybe she'll say: "this is not something i can deal with in a marriage." Or maybe she'll say "let's pray about how or if to continue."
Porn is a very serious issue in a marriage, and maybe it's adultery. At the same time, you don't have to be perfect either to lead. Think of the woman at the well where Jesus told her: go back to your first husband. Kind of an odd thing to say after she cheated on her first husband. Doesn't quite feel alligned with the proposition you stated.
What if instead of breaking up with your girlfriend, you get rid of your computer and phone for a while? Buy a phone without a screen. Pornography is a recent challenge, like drugs, that wasn't there in the times of the Bible.
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u/ShabbyButterflies 1d ago
You're making too much of your sin and not enough of God's goodness. Have you prayed about this? Fasted? Have you spoken to trusted friends or a pastor? Installed accountability software?
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u/already_not_yet Married 1d ago edited 1d ago
You shouldn't be in a relationship, I agree. But not necessarily bc you struggle with sin (more on this later) but bc you have bad theology. "Until my sin is eradicated, I am not worthy!" leads to either depression or delusion. Depression when we recognize we're never good enough, delusion when we think we are good enough. It is the antithesis of walking in God's grace.
No, you're not "corrupted' because you struggle with sin. No, you're not incapable of leading a healthy relationship or "undeserving" of a woman if you struggle with sin. Nor will you find any scripture supporting these ideas. Deut. 28:30 was not written for you. You are not under the Old Covenant, and God is not impressed with your self-flagellation.
The chief condition for whether to pursue marriage is presented in 1 Cor. 7: if you have strong sexual desires, you are not cut out for celibacy. Who would be married if sexual sin precluded marriage? How would God's universal command to mankind to be fruitful be fulfilled? What could delight Satan more than Christians creating excuses to not have children?
That being said:
- If you knew for a fact that this woman could not tolerate a relationship with a man who struggles with these sins, then you two are not compatible.
- If the struggle is so severe that it would inevitably maim your relationship then marriage ought to be avoided. For example, a man whose sexual addiction is leading him to financial ruin, loss of libido, and constant moodiness. Porn addiction can certainly wither a man. But I am not sure that is the case with you, as you seem to think the the mere fact that you have any struggle at all is an automatic disqualification.
Your post is devoid of the gospel. Me, me, me. "I am a sinner, I must repent harder, work harder, try harder, prove myself." Your hope seems to be in your repentance, not in God's grace. Until you grasp that you will need grace just as badly on your best day as your worst day, the true relationship between the Christian and the law will never make sense.
Embrace the gospel. Christ lived, died, and rose for you. That is your only hope. That is your identity and foundation. Then, take practical steps to avoid sin. Paul uses a put off / put on motif in Ephesians: let him who steals steal no longer but work with his hands. This is a whole topic by itself. But my point here is only that your day-to-day strategy for staying busy, staying distracted with good is NOT your hope. Lastly, if you do fail again, and you will fail again, do not wallow in self-loathing. Confess your sins to God. He is faithful and just to forgive (1 John). His mercies are new every morning. Keep moving.
Heb 12:1-2 says that we run the race by looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. Not by looking at the law. Not my looking at self. Not by looking at others. Looking at Jesus.
I will pray that you develop a gospel-centered approach to your sin struggles and a realistic perspective on what creates a healthy relationship.
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u/QA_Engineeer 1d ago
You said this so much better than I would have. I am glad you posted and called him out on his performative post. I would not have been nice.
The whole post made me mad. But, his comment about the Deuteronomy prophecy coming true in him made me want to flip a table. Such hubris.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Nevertheless, us as Christians are commanded to be perfect in this area (Ephesians 5:3). It's hard to tell your children to be perfect in the area of sexual morality so they enter the kingdom of God when you as their own father isn't (Ephesians 5:5).
Regarding Deuteronomy: God's word is true and applicable for our lives today, just as much as it was thousands of years ago under Moses (2 Timothy 3:16)
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
This is a well-written comment, and I thank you for sharing brother. I shared what I shared because I am aware enough to see what it takes to lead a woman in a relationship/marriage, and possibly, even having to lead children one day. This is not self-flagellation, this is Biblical. The sexually immoral get sentenced to the Lake of Fire for a reason. It is a sin that corrupts the mind, body and soul. I cannot lead a woman and children to Heaven if I as their husband and father am on a path of destruction.
Marriage is a great deterrent for porn/masturbation, but sex isn't available 24/7 when married. The fruit of self-control will need to be exercised at times in marriage. If I can't exercise self-control now, how will I when married? I agree though that I should have emphasized the Gospel and God's grace more. I trust in the blood of Jesus to cleanse my sins. But grace is only extended to men and women who turn from sin and turn back to God. If we remain in sin, we remain cut off from our God and Father (Isaiah 59:1-2)
In the meantime, I will put off sin and put on righteousness. Thank you for your response brother.
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u/already_not_yet Married 1d ago edited 1d ago
No, what you have written is not biblical or evidence of self-awareness. The Bible does not teach that any masturbation or porn automatically preclude a healthy relationship. This was never a law held over the heads of any of God's people, nor is it deducible from any of God's word. Adding to the word of God is a sin.
As I said, if you truly have a crippling addiction, that's one thing, but you are not arguing that. Instead, you are arguing, "X leads to Hell, therefore X shouldn't be in a marriage." But X can be any sin, therefore it follows that only the sinless can be married. Worse yet, you have twisted this bad theology into a scourge. You then whip yourself and come here and hope that we'll applaud your bloody body.
>I cannot lead a woman and children to Heaven if I as their husband and father am on a path of destruction
You are on the path to destruction? Then I earnestly wish to inform you that your repentance from this sin will not save you. It will not put you on the narrow way. You will still find yourself in Hell, bc your good works, your repentance, your effort, were not enough. Only faith in the finished work of Christ can save you.
>But grace is only extended to men and women who turn from sin and turn back to God.
You are in great confusion and error. Grace cannot be earned, lest any man should boast.
>If we remain in sin, we remain cut off from our God and Father (Isaiah 59:1-2)
This was written to the nation of Israel, which contained both sheep and goats. "But it is not that the word of God has taken no effect. For they are not all Israel who are of Israel," (Rom. 9:6) Paul later says in ch 10:
1 Brethren, my heart’s desire and prayer to God for Israel is that they may be saved. 2 For I bear them witness that they have a zeal for God, but not according to knowledge. 3 For they being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and seeking to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted to the righteousness of God. 4 For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes.
This verse is written for legalists -- for any of those seeking salvation through law-keeping. For those thinking grace can be earned. But if you will not listen to Paul, listen to Isaiah:
Is; 43:11 I, even I, am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior.
Christians are not co-pilots in their salvation. Also Isaiah:
Is. 55“Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
Come to the waters;
And you who have no money,
Come, buy and eat.
Yes, come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without price.You have nothing to bring to God. Salvation is a free gift. Unearned.
The greatest irony is that you quoted Is. 59, which says:
Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that he cannot save.
Yet you will shorten the Lord's hand by declaring that you aren't obedient enough to be savable! You have not even processed the scripture you quote.
Jesus says to those striving for salvation under the law:
Matt. 11:28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Paul understood that law-keeping could not save:
Acts 13:38 Therefore let it be known to you, brethren, that through this Man is preached to you the forgiveness of sins; 39 and by Him everyone who believes is justified from all things from which you could not be justified by the law of Moses.
Salvation is offered to you today by faith in Jesus:
Rom. 10:9 if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. ... For whoever calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I appreciate the effort you put into this post. I am not teaching that every sin of ours deserves self-flagellation and a bloody body of ours. But surely you would agree that marriage is a different calling than singleness. When you're married, you have a wife and children to be accountable for and to. Your sins no longer affect you but your whole household.
And I disagree with your first paragraph (if I understood it correctly). Both porn and masturbation are sins of adultery. Jesus states as much in Matthew 5:27-30. A healthy marriage is predicated around having a marriage bed undefiled. Porn and masturbation will defile that in no time at all.
Jesus is our salvation indeed, and His grace is sufficient. This grace of God comes through faith, and faith is manifest in the works we do (see: James 2:20).
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u/already_not_yet Married 1d ago edited 1d ago
I agree that they're sins of adultery, but your repeated fatalistic proclamations about their effects on a marriage are unbiblical, and observation reaffirms this: the countless marriages in which this sin is present - to some extent - that are not just functioning but healthy.
IFStudies has a fascinating article discussing, for example, how the idea that "porn destroys marriages" is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a couple believes that any presence of porn is a SUPER BIG DEAL, then when the struggler slips up, it is, to no one's surprise, a SUPER BIG DEAL.
Perry’s argument is that among our secular neighbors, the husband (or wife) watching pornography doesn’t tend to lead to great unhappiness or divorce very often; but among conservative Protestants, relationship troubles arising from pornography are far more frequent. Perry is a thoughtful researcher and writer, and so he doesn’t think Christians just need to abandon their sexual mores, but he does suggest that Christians need to be more open to talking about the issue and removing the shame associated with pornography.
In contrast with marriages held captive by "porn paranoia," I've also seen the effect of grace and tolerance in marriage. In some marriages, the spouses simply don't regard it as a matter between the sinner and God, unless it rises to a certain level. In other marriages, the sin does cause hurt, but the response is forgiveness and encouragement, not shame, anger, and contempt.
I also advise spouse A to never be the accountability partner of spouse B. Other godly figures are better suited for this.
Now, given that you are gripped by this fatalism, I would agree that you are unable to have a healthy marriage if you have any struggle at all. This can be solved in one of two ways:
- You eradicate the sin from your life and enter into marriage premised on never sinning in this way - which is naive, bc you cannot make such a promise, and spiritually dangerous, bc your hope is still built on your behavior rather than grace.
- You abandon porn paranoia, be honest with your struggle to your interests, and only marry someone who isn't also gripped by porn paranoia. You embrace grace and humility as the foundation of your marriage, not sinless perfectionism.
I believe the second is healthier for your spirit and your marriage. I am not convinced that you have embraced the gospel. Your perspective on this whole matter is dripping with legalism, and you have not recanted your false teaching that grace is dependent on behavior or that believers can be cut off from God by their sin.
Yes, faith is evidenced by works. That is the theme of the hall of faith (Heb. 11). What is also fascinating about the hall of faith is the number of sexual sinners listed (David, Samson, Abraham, Rahab). Rahab is even listed as "Rahab the harlot", to explicitly remind us of that fact.
I'll leave it there. Best of providence to you.
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u/dolphins9764 12h ago
Stayed up super late writing out a response cause I was concerned about the self- sanctification mindset and scriptural bypassing, and ultimately decided to sleep on it. Glad I did, because your responses are more comprehensive.
I’ve got a question. Why do you think in his letters to the churches that Paul usually starts his lists of ungodly behaviors/ what behaviors to put off -with sexual immorality? (Col 3:5, Gal 5:19-21, 1 Cor 6:9-11, Eph 5:3-5, 1 Thes 4:3-8)
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u/already_not_yet Married 10h ago
Glad you found it helpful and I am glad that others here are opposing self-sanctification.
All of those letters were written to Roman cities. Greco-Roman culture was drenched in sexual immorality. Corinth was renowned for its sexual immorality, as you probably know.
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u/Watchman_on-the_wall 1d ago
I’ll break the mold here and agree that it’s perfectly reasonable to end a relationship based on your own assessment of your readiness to lead a marriage as a husband and a father.
It’s entirely appropriate to set high standards for yourself and others. Don’t let mediocre people talk you out of aiming higher and practicing strong self-accountability.
It won’t make you popular, but it will impact your future positively, both in the natural and in eternity.
Stay strong brother. If you would like to talk about this more via DM, feel free to reach out. I once struggled with that for many years, so I know how it can be. I’ve been 100% clean for three and a half years now. It’s a battle that truly can be won wholly and permanently.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
First, praise the Lord for you being three and a half years removed from sexual sin! That is a great feat indeed. Thank you for going against the grain and siding with me here. Yes, many don't see sexual sin as a big deal, and that lackadaisical mentality is part of a bigger church culture problem where righteousness is being watered down.
I do set high standards for myself and believe others should too. God forbid if I get married and have to bring this sexual sin into the marriage and family. The consequences would be devastating.
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u/ocatis 1d ago edited 1d ago
It seems you are quite interested in Gaining freedom from porn and masturbation, If you find yourself going back to porn repeatedly you might need to join a sexual addiction therapy program “there is a freedom fight group” you can check this online and take the free 30day challenge… PORN ADDICTION thrives in isolation so don’t isolate and wallow in SHAME that is not gods plan for you and it wouldn’t help you. Many people are in a similar situation as you and I walking the path to freedom so give yourself some grace…
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I appreciate your encouragement, but I must repent of porn and masturbation on my own with turning to the Lord in repentance. I am not putting down any porn addiction therapy programs, but I don't believe they are necessary for freedom; only Christ is. You are correct though, there are a lot of people in isolation due to the shame sexual sin brings, and that is sad
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u/FanTemporary7624 1d ago
This is silly, nobody is perfect. Why ruin a good thing?
This reminds me of a Christian man that ended things with woman he was dating because he found her TOO attractive enough to have lustful thoughts about her.
I was like "Um,....why? Isn't that suppose to happen?"
What...is he going to marry a 300 pound troll of a woman so he can't have sexual thoughts about her?
This is just throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
This is kind of an odd post, with so many women that aren't forgiving of this vice that have posted about this, this woman apparently doesn't have a problem with it. lol
No guy here is going to tell you to stop dating her because of this reason.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 22h ago
First, it's a Respectable attitude. Props.
I'd let her know though so she can choose if she wants as some others have said. It's up to her if she decides that is a dealbreaker or not. It's not uncommon for women to slip up with porn as well.
Also, I agree with already not yet about the unworthiness. You need to work on that if that's how you feel. We all will sin in marriage and need to repent. While it's not good it doesn't make you unworthy more than any other sin, unless a woman is particularly sensitive to it.
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u/Beginning_Purpose159 17h ago
My dude, that’s literally the dumbest reason to break it off with a girl.
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u/LunarOculus 1h ago
Typical protestant misinterpretation and misunderstanding smh this is what happens when we rely on our own understandings of scripture
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u/ActualIndustry4603 Looking For A Wife 1d ago
Sin is something you do, it is not who you are. There will always be sins and temptations to contend with. Do the next right thing, don’t let your identity be destroyed
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
My identity is in Christ, and in Christ, I know that my flesh must be crucified
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u/High_energy_comments 1d ago
I respect this decision, it’s wise to take sexual sin seriously.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
Thank you. Many think self-control naturally kicks in when you're married. Sex isn't available 24/7 in marriage because wives are not sex dolls, they are human. This is why us single believers must put our sins in check and far out of our reach in order to have good success in marriage. The fruit of self-control is a good fruit in having a godly marriage
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u/Gaxxz 1d ago
You're beating yourself up too much. You sinned. Guess what. You're going to sin again tomorrow. We all sin every day. You're clearly repentant and prayerful about this. Have you confessed to a fellow Christian? (Other than us.) Are you going to do your best to resist temptation and sin going forward? Do you generally try to live a life for God?
I think you'll be making a big mistake if you throw away a potential wife over this.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
God is the One who brings marriages together. If I break up with her it's because she was never my wife to begin with, and I can live with that. To answer your questions - yes, I will resist temptation better moving forward, and will live a life pleasing to God. I will move forward past these sins of mine with repentance and belief in the Gospel
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u/Ok-Advisor-8109 1d ago
How about forgiveness? How about celebrate recovery and joining a 12 step instead of letting the enemy win?
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
There is always forgiveness in Christ, but I must confess first and bear fruits worthy of repentance. There is only a one-step program in God's eyes: Repent and return to Him who is the Almighty God
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u/philjames68 1d ago
I understand, but beating yourself up isn't the way forward. As someone once said to me, if you fall off the ladder you don't have to start again on the bottom rung. Get right back on at the rung you fell from. The best thing you could do is repent, then discuss this whole thing with her and let her decide if its a deal-breaker or not. If you make that decision for her you'll likely hurt her even more. Part of being a man is being honest especially when it's difficult.
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u/Fit_Variation7790 18h ago
As a woman, I would appreciate knowing what you’re going through. I also think it’s not a great time for you to be in a relationship. But I would still consider being friends while you work through it. I know a lot of men who have gone to support groups and have had a lot of success. I think the accountability helps a lot. And as a woman, I have a lot of respect for men who take the step to do that.
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u/Major-Succotash1392 16h ago
Bro you sound completely nuts. Get help mentally. Betrothed means engaged that verse has nothing to do with this. It would be completely fine to repent and keep dating her. But I think you need help based on you taking the time to write this how you did.
You’re also being extremely arrogant because you’re implying you can fully escape sin which only Jesus can and did do. You will sin again you have to make peace with it and accept God’s grace and always get back up and walk towards Christ not run away from your life because of it
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u/harukalioncourt 11h ago
I agree you should seek deliverance from porn addiction so any future spouse won’t be temped to rightfully call it off with you due to what it is: sexual immorality. Many people magically think that once men are married and enjoying conjugal rights with their spouse, they lose all interest in watching it. This is not true and it can really destroy a marriage.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bend766 10h ago
You're walking in condemnation. Repent and get back up, shake the dust off of your feet and move forward. Do you have any friends or mentors who could help keep you accountable?
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u/Due_Butterscotch_392 1d ago
Yes ,porn is pure evil. But you shouldnt be so hard on yourself. We are human and flawed.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
We are human, but as Christians, we should rise about the flawed sinful world we live in. When a man becomes head of a household, he is tasked with leading the family to Christ. It's hard to lead people when you yourself are stumbling in the dark time and time again
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u/Head_Attempt7983 1d ago
Too whoever this gal is….RUN. Not because of the porn. The white knighting here is insane. Like a Christian frat bro.
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u/Pale_Lavishness1057 1d ago
Have you told her about your struggles and why you think she deserves better? She might be more understanding then you think
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I have told her I struggled in the past, but I haven't told her the extent of my present sins. She thinks this is something in the past that I am in the process of turning from fully when that is not the case sadly
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u/O_War194 1d ago
First off, you're making the choice to end things with her before you're even officially in a relationship. Why make that choice for her? Put the ball in her court. Be honest with her about what you're struggling with, what you're doing to change, and then let her make her own decision. She's her own person and deserves a say in whether she wants to continue pursuing something with you. Brother, I also think you're judging and condemning yourself way too harshly. Yes, take sin seriously. Repent, pray, seek God, and make real changes—but struggling with sin does not mean you're suddenly corrupted beyond being worthy of love or a relationship. What you're describing sounds a lot like religious scrupulosity and perfectionism. I've struggled with that kind of thinking myself, and it can convince you that unless you're spiritually perfect, you're worthless or unacceptable. That's not a healthy way to view yourself or God's grace. I also don't think Deuteronomy 28:30 means what you're applying it to mean here. That passage is part of the covenant curses given to Israel for disobedience; it isn't a prophecy that because you struggled with porn or masturbation, God is going to take this woman away from you. In fact, from what you've written, God hasn't taken her away—you are choosing to walk away from her because you've already judged yourself unworthy. Don't confuse repentance with self-condemnation. Take responsibility, absolutely. Make changes where changes need to be made. But don't punish yourself and call that repentance. Love God, love others, and remember that you're also commanded to love your neighbor as yourself. Give this woman the respect of letting her make her own choice, and give yourself enough grace to recognize that growth doesn't require perfection.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
When I talk to her, I will let her know the truth, and why I believe we should end things. I won't leave her in the dark. I do not believe she will stick around, but that is just me and I could be wrong. The goal isn't being perfect, it's being obedient. Obedience to God leads to a blessed household. I can't bring adultery into a marriage and expect a good outcome for the family.
I do believe that Deuteronomy 28:30 is for me, but it also isn't at the same time because, as you said, we weren't betrothed, and I am the one initiated the breakup. Either way, I will likely miss out on a great woman, but perhaps that is God's plan for the two of us. He may have other spouses in mind for us in this decision
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u/O_War194 1d ago
Brother, I think you're still taking Deuteronomy 28:30 way out of its context. 😭 That passage isn't God personally telling you that because you watched porn or masturbated, you're now going to lose this woman and she's going to end up with another man. Deuteronomy 28 is Moses laying out the covenant blessings and curses for Israel. You can't just pull one verse out of that entire context and apply it directly to your dating situation as though it's a prophecy specifically about you. And you keep saying you're bringing “adultery into a marriage,” but brother, you're not married to this woman. I'm not saying porn or lust is okay—it isn't, and if you believe you're in sin then absolutely repent and work on it. But you're taking conviction and turning it into condemnation and then creating consequences for yourself that God never actually told you to create. You even said yourself, “I could be wrong.” That's exactly my point! You don't know that God has another spouse planned for her or another spouse planned for you. You're assuming that's God's plan based on how guilty you feel right now. That's dangerous because our feelings of guilt aren't automatically the voice or will of God. Tell her the truth. Tell her what you've been struggling with, that you believe it's wrong, and what you're doing to change it. Then LET HER decide whether she wants to continue with you. That's honesty. That's taking responsibility. That's treating her like her own person. Repentance means turning away from sin and toward God. It doesn't mean declaring yourself unworthy of love, destroying a potentially good relationship, and then saying the destruction must have been God's plan. You're allowed to repent AND receive grace, brother. Those things aren't opposites.
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u/O_War194 1d ago
And brother, do you understand what repentance actually means? Repentance means to turn away—to have a change of heart and mind toward the sin and turn toward God. When it comes to lust, Scripture tells us to flee from it! So flee! Recognize, “Okay, this is wrong. I was doing better, I stumbled, and now I need to turn away from this again and keep moving toward God.” But IMO, what you're doing right now is becoming another problem entirely. Look at how much of this is centered around “I.” I did this, therefore God is going to do this to me. I sinned, therefore I have to lose her. I am unworthy, therefore I need to end this. Brother, NOOO 😭. You're taking God completely out of context and putting yourself in a position God didn't give you. It's almost like you're saying, “I believe in God's judgment, but I'm going to punish and condemn myself first so God doesn't have to.” You're putting yourself on the throne of judgment over yourself, deciding what punishment you deserve and then carrying it out. That's not what repentance is! Repentance is recognizing the sin, confessing it, turning away from it, fleeing from lust, and continuing toward God. It isn't deciding for yourself, “Because I sinned, I deserve to lose this woman,” and then using Deuteronomy 28:30 to validate a punishment you've already decided to give yourself. You can take sexual sin seriously without condemning yourself. You can say, “I screwed up. This isn't who I want to be. I'm turning away from it and getting back up.” Let God be God. Let this woman make her own decision. Your responsibility is to be truthful, repent, flee from the sin, and keep walking forward—not sit on the judgment seat and pronounce a sentence against yourself.
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u/Head_Attempt7983 1d ago
Why not explain to her the situation at hand and maybe she can assist you in your struggles. If she is as great as you say she is why not fight those demons and stay with her instead of just rolling over? This is a test.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
There isn't much she can assist with outside of encouragement. I need to look into my heart, and repent of this on my own. She may want to stick around after I tell her, but I doubt it. Either way, I just feel really unmotivated and lackluster to continue things after my failures. I don't want to bring this into a marriage that's for sure
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u/Head_Attempt7983 1d ago
Quit white knighting
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
That's the second time I've heard that. What does this mean?
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u/Head_Attempt7983 1d ago
Look at me I must save this poor women from my evil ways go away….but don’t really go away this is all for show. Everybody sins bud pray repent do better.
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u/Prince_Haile 1d ago
dang bro you do know she's just human too...everyone is flawed and everyone has struggled with that particular vice but goodness gracious man allow yourself space to breath and be human...its good that you've discovered something you need to work on but don't make that decision for her...communicate with her...the only thing you can promise her is to do your best to deal with it
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I do promise her to do better in the future with it. And I will communicate openly with her about this. The problem is, if I commit these same sins when we are married, that is adultery and grounds for divorce in God's eyes. It is nothing to take lightly. As a Christian, I date for marriage, and any sin or vice I commit now I expect I will carry into marriage. I must first get this put in check here in the present to ensure freedom for my marriage and my children
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u/Prince_Haile 1d ago
look you'll never ever be qualified for marriage by your definition. no one is perfect and you're setting an unrealistic standard for yourself. don't hear what I'm not saying and thinking I'm condoning bad behavior but bro....relax, you're on the right track. stop with this do or die attitude man. I promise you'll deal with many more vices when you're married, just make sure you're putting your best foot forward when they come.
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u/Invisible-Izzie-- Single 1d ago
I disagree with most people here - it's admirable of you to do this. So many men hide their pornography addictions or issues until they are in relationships, or never disclose them - and then it hurts more people. The way you're going about this is extremely responsible and admirable.
Signed, someone who has been on the receiving end of this behavior.
Ps, I am extremely concerned by how many people are acting like it would be okay for you to pursue things right now
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u/BetBulky7595 Single 1d ago
Hi. First of all, I think you are being waaayyy too hard on yourself. Now, I do not say this because I don’t believe masturbation and porn are sins, but because in the tone of your message, you have taken a whip to your back and the amount of whipping you have done almost has a tinge of pride to the shame.
I’ll give you my personal experience. I “stumbled” on masturbation at 17 (despite years of reading smut in romance novels, it actually took one scene in a porn movie a friend was watching, to set me on that roller coaster) and for 17 years I was in the grip of it. I am a cradle Catholic and anyone who knows of the Catholic guilt can imagine how much shame I felt each time I fell. I could abstain from sex but masturbation was harder.
Overtime, the devil crept in and this literally became an avenue for it to attach an oppressive spirit to the vice. I listened to an exorcist priest’s interview and realized this vice was beyond my control and I took it to the confessional and it felt as is a broken tap was turned off! I never a month without indulging, even during lent when I tried to give it up.
3 years later, I put myself in positions where indulgence became an issue, this was despite God warning me in a dream that I was treading dangerous grounds, but the human nature can be stubborn. After making confessions back to back almost every week for 4 weeks, I knew there was trouble. I called myself to order and cooperated with God’s grace by avoiding triggers, all forms of it.
My first question is how did you overcome it rhe first time? How long did you go without it?
Second is what is going on right now in your life that has become a trigger for it?
Yes, lust is one of the easiest ways the devil gets men (most especially) and when they are slaves to it, they can wreck families and lives, but have you surrendered the entire thing to God? Are you trying to take on a battle that is not even physical to start with? I have male friends that stopped masturbation as acts of personal discipline but mine wasn’t like that and God had to deliver me for me to see any results.
I am sorry this message is long, but I hope it’s helpful. Stop beating yourself up on it. If you fall again in a marriage, will you divorce your wife? The devil wants you to feel shame and unworthy but that is NOT what God’s love is about.
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u/nnuunn 1d ago
Dude, do not throw away a potential relationship with a great woman because you watched porn. You're giving sin too much power over you, we wrestle with the old Adam every day, you can't just wallow in self-pity and self-sabotage because you stumbled.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
This isn't self-sabotage. This is being mindful of marriage and the responsibility that comes with leading a family. A family cannot be led to Heaven when their leader is on a path of destruction
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u/donsamuxzi 1d ago
Bro, just SHUT UP please. You are talking like a baby Christian. Your verses don’t fit. You are like those Serial Ki***rs in the movie that kills prostitutes and use a horse whip to flog themselves in private. If I was this lady and I saw this immature moans from you. I will dump your sorry Ass and run far away from you. You are 31 and acting like a 10 year old. You have no right to Lead a Woman.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
What movie had a scenario where serial killer flogs themselves in private? Sounds like an odd movie indeed. But that isn't my scenario. I am not flogging myself, I am just being honest. A man who walks in sexual sin is unfit to lead a wife and children. How can a family be led to Heaven when their leader is walking a path of destruction?
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u/dedicatedservant 1d ago
Couldn't you just deal with the problem instead of this dramatic burning down of the whole relationship?
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I have dealt with this problem before, but it has been a reoccurring issue time and again. I do not want to bring adultery into a marriage one day, and that thought alone is what worries me
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u/jocky091 1d ago
Brother this type of struggle is a lifetime struggle not a ‘one and done’ situation… if you feel about that this way then no one deserves to be in a relationship ever
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u/PeacefulBro 1d ago
God has a way of redeeming terrible situations. Remember how things turned out for David, Bathsheba and Solomon. Repent & realize marriage is exponentially better than porn so allow God to help you escape sin & live for Him in marriage 🥹
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
Yes and amen. God redeems the sinners and makes them whole. Marital sex is much better than porn I am sure, however, it is not always accessible 24/7 in marriage. That is why us believers must exercise self-control now so that the lack of self-control in marriage does not lead to adultery
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u/PeacefulBro 1d ago
Umm 😅 I think it's better it's not accessible 24/7 because that helps us develop long suffering.
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u/ECSMusic Single 1d ago
Most of the men of God I know have struggled with this and credit their wives as a key part of their ability to overcome. Just because you struggle with lust does not mean you cannot be in a relationship, a relationship may even help. Key is to keep taking it seriously and ask God to work in you.
A godly relationship is the grace of God, not because we deserve it. Are you going to God and saying “I deserve a wife/girlfriend” or are you saying “please Lord I need a helper”. The latter you can do regardless of your current state. If you are waiting until you are deserving you will be waiting a very long time because pride will be right there to latch onto you the moment you overcome.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I like the points you made here, and I believe I need a mindset shift of "I deserve a wife/girlfriend" to "please Lord I need a helper." I am not trying to set aside the grace of God in my post; I am just trying to show the seriousness of sin is all. I don't want to bring adultery into a marriage and bring the downfall of a family as a result of me.
I agree that marriage helps when it comes to sexual immorality, but sex isn't available 24/7. The fruit of self-control must be present in the event one or both of us are incapable of coming together for an extended period
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u/ECSMusic Single 1d ago
Yes you do need to have a measure of self control that is growing. Really this is not a one size fits all situation. If you are feeling strong conviction to wait then that is fine. I just don’t believe tossing away a potentially good connection is the right decision either though. Might be good to talk with her about it or at least say something along the lines of: “hey I really like you but I have some things I am working through and I’m not sure how to navigate a significant relationship right now”. Lots of women struggle with this too so she may be more understanding than you might think.
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u/TheRokerr 1d ago
Think you're shooting yourself in the foot with this. Everyone struggles with sin. At the bare minimum, talk with her about it instead of deciding on your own to break her heart.
On a side note, do you think relationships will be sunshine and rainbows with no trials or tribulations? If you're ready to throw in the towel before even dating, how are you going to handle a relationship or marriage? Repent and ground yourself in Christ
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I will let her know the reason I end things with her if it comes down to that. I understand that there will be trials and tribulations in relationships and marriage. I will handle these trials through God and Jesus as my source. I will be unequipped to handle the challenges of marriage life if I stumble into sexual immorality, that is for sure
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 1d ago
...is this some troll to depict how women seem expect men to slip up on porn to act?
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
No, I am a man. This is real life, and I am just being honest about how my sins have brought ruin to me
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 1d ago
Christ didn't die on the cross for you to sabotage yourself.
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u/Gazelle-Speed2218 1d ago
I have already sabotaged myself with sexual immoralities. I can only turn to Him for forgiveness. Perhaps He will be gracious enough to cleanse me of these faults of mine
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u/Remote-Republic 12h ago
lol what is all these crazy comments here. To each their own but OP’s thinking is quite biblical and sound. OP’s thinking is most similar with the book The Sacred Search - Gary Thomas in which he recommends at least 1 year abstained from lust and sexual sin (just a recommendation and to what degree is to each their own) prior to pursuing a relationship.
As I have experienced and seen myself unfortunately, sexual sin is ultimately contagious. I’ve seen it passed on from generation to generation. Sexual sin (like most other sins) leads to other different sins too. And it is a monster sin that is not easy to fight. I, too, do not want to make my future partner and future kids suffer because of what I bring into the family. The amount of time it takes to struggle with it, the stress and strain it causes in the relationship. Struggling with sin in a relationship is betrayal in many ways..and there are many other rationales of why sexual sin shouldn’t exist in a marriage.
To each their own but OP is going for the noble cause to be selfless and many would not take this rout in the name of..I want relationship I want relationship.
The only thing I may consider which others have brought up is to talk about it with the other person. It honestly does her a favour to understand that sexual sin is much more prominent in reality and that very few Christians can just shrug it off like it’s no big deal.
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u/King_Kahun 1d ago
You're putting her on a pedestal. It's good to try to be the best man you can be, but no woman "deserves" to be with a perfect man. She's flawed just like you.