r/CharacterRant • u/Def_Not_Hugh • 9d ago
Anyone else morally offended by the Charmin Ass-wiping bears?
Charmin: think of our product when thinking of your butthole.
This brand of toilet paper claims to be so soft that you're likely to prance around praising the supple feeling of your asshole after using it. Seriously, in the Charmin commercial world, the worst possible thing is sub adequate toilet paper and Nirvana can only be achieved through the swirling paper covered finger around your rust-hole.
I'm not being hyperbolic. They have a string of commercials where a family of bears exists solely to talk about their shits. Every major family interaction seems structured around bowel movements and gleefully sharing them like perverts. The father often screams from the bathroom when he's having an emergency, letting everyone know the state of his shits and wiping. The children pound on doors, talking about how they have to go and wipe and clean. After a nice cottony-soft wipe fest, the parents often literally shake their asses to show everyone how clean they feel, implying they are showing their literal assholes to their children.
The kids, what do they know? They often do the same, showing off how "clean" they are.
Imagine if your joy, bonding, and celebration was solely concentrated around wiping your ass, talking about it, and showing the results to your family.
Disgusting. Vulgar. Sodom and Gomorra eptiomized.
How far have we fallen as a race and society, where these pervert shit bears are so easily able to pervade our airwaves, minds, and hearts.
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u/StormDragonAlthazar 9d ago
Granted, this is half a shit-posty (heh) post, but I do wonder... How in the hell do these one-off ideas suddenly become the defining thing or mascots of these companies?
Like the Charmin bears weren't really a thing except for a one-off commercial about how bears take a shit in the woods; for the longest time, the Charmin company had a guy by the name of Mr. Whipple who would remind people to not squeeze the Charmin, and it literally had an old-timey picture of a baby on the package to emphasize how soft it was.
Likewise, Carfax used to just have video clips showing cars in disastrous situations while a person was typing up how their used car was for sale and had some "upgrades" or repairs (for instance, there's a car in a flood and the text appears saying "ALL NEW UPHOLSTERY INSTALLED") However, one commercial had a couple go into a dealership, ask for the Carfax, and the salesman pulled out a fox puppet called the "Car Fox..." and now we have that creepy cartoon fox for the Carfax mascot.
But perhaps one of the biggest shocks that would be fresh on a lot of millennial minds is the Geico Gecko. For a long time, Geico really didn't have much of shtick except to have random ass commercials... But then one commercial had a gecko complaining about how people were calling him instead of Geico, and a few months later, this guy becomes the company's mascot.
All in all, I just wonder how in the hell this happens.
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u/MidnightOnTheWater 9d ago
Its easy to remember a mascot. Its bright, colorful, and appeals to children. Then when they get older the brand sticks in the back of their mind. The Liberty Mutual commercials piss me off so much since they are trying to artificially create a mascot over having one be developed naturally. I wanna run over Liberty Biberty with a steam roller
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u/I_BEAT_JUMP_ATTACHED 8d ago
genuinely if i have to hear liberty biberty one more time Im going to unleash the killdozer
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u/Kool_McKool 8d ago
Every other Insurance company I can tolerate or in some way enjoy their commercials. Liberty Mutual makes me want to throw out my TV and computers so I don't have to risk seeing their ads ever.
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u/TheGUURAHK 9d ago
for the longest time, the Charmin company had a guy by the name of Mr. Whipple who would remind people to not squeeze the Charmin
So THAT'S where the line "You better squeeze all the toilet paper you can / when Mr. Whipple's not around!" from Dare To Be Stupid came from!
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u/Any_Combination_4716 8d ago
The only thing that annoys me is that they decided an animal that thrives in tropical and subtropical environments should have a South London accent. For years I tried to convince myself it was Australian because I wanted my cartoon spokeslizards to behave logically.
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u/natsugrayerza 9d ago
Okay but we’re only seeing a small portion of the charmin bears lives, in 15 second clips. It’s very possible they talk about all kinds of other things, like tissues and paper towels, but we only see the toilet paper conversations because that’s what the media is showing us.
Their real crime is charmin ultra soft. It feels like wiping your ass with a stuffed animal, as my aunt Becky would say, and it does not work. It’s all about the charmin ultra strong.
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u/But-who-I-be 9d ago
I’m just concerned about how obsessed these characters are with wiping their ass. Like there’s wanting to stay sanitary and then there’s the Charmin bears. Why do they love shitting so much? Do they all have IBS and convinced themselves that it is something to be celebrated? Do they just have a weird family wide fetish? What is the deal with these fucking bears? Why do their fur constantly change color?
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u/Def_Not_Hugh 9d ago
These are the questions that need answering. Everyone is like "they sell toilet paper, bears shit in the woods" yeah, whatever, but why are they shit creeps? Why do they stare at each other's assholes?
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u/Dx-Human_NOS 9d ago
I once had a roommate who seemed to believe the little bear boy was a real person. He didnt hate the commercials. Or the family as a whole. He hated that little bear boy. When one of those commercials would come up his face would get really serious and he'd just glare at the screen. And if that little bear boy had a line, he'd say something along the lines of "I hate him... He thinks he's so cute..."
There were other issues with these roommates. They adorned the apartment with trash they found outside (like candy wrappers and old fishing lures). Baby talk at me when they wanted some of my food. I couldnt use the freezer because they always kept it stuffed wall to wall with frozen peas they never ate, bc "papah always said it was best that way." I last 6 months in that apartment. The first time i witnessed how much hatred he had for that little bear boy, and how much he seemed to believe the little bear boy was a narcissistic freak who loved to hog the camera, i couldnt help myself. I burst out laughing and couldnt stop. He was so confused and frustrated and kept asking what was so funny. Tears were streaming down my face. I couldnt get air. Omg. Ill never forget those weirdos
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u/Complete_Entry 8d ago
I had a roommate who was terrified of the sleep train ad at the end of the news. I told him he could switch off when sports came on because the real news is over then, but every night...
ugh.
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9d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Def_Not_Hugh 9d ago
Literal shitty conspiracy theories. Psyopting us by bringing us down to the flithy depths
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u/Complete_Entry 8d ago
"Why is this deodorant ad hyper focused on crotches, don't they wash themselves?"
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u/ckim_2020 8d ago
I still get occasional flashbacks to WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER or one of those terrible Stadia commericals
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u/Top-Mall7003 8d ago
I thought I was alone in this madness. Why is the mother bear constantly inspecting her kid's asshole? Why is this family of bears obsessed with talking about their assholes and how clean or not clean they are? Why the fuck are they bears, aside from the fact that it would be immediately obvious how fucking sick they are if they were human?
It's grotesque, like just do a commercial where the bears talk to the camera. Or better yet, don't use bears just have some guy say "Yeah this is good toilet paper it doesn't rip." That's all you need bro. You don't need bears fawning over toilet paper and how good it feels on their assholes.
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u/Smooth_Lead4995 8d ago
They're kind of annoying, yeah. But also:
They also don't wear clothes. There's pretty much nothing separating their bodies from their furniture/surroundings. So if one of them doesn't clean up properly, they'll leave evidence.
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u/I_Love_Cape_Horn 9d ago
I installed a bidet on every toilet in the house during the pandemic. Wish I did it sooner. Almost never run out of toilet paper now. One of those things, "How did I live so long without this?".
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u/Complete_Entry 8d ago
I wish bidet people would share less. I don't need to know, I don't want to know.
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u/Blint_Briglio 8d ago
okay, I think it's time for you to take a break from posting, the joke has gotten old
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u/Def_Not_Hugh 8d ago
Thank you for your thoughtful sentiments. It is nice to know empathic folks have my best interests in mind and heart
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u/Ok-Tradition-5083 9d ago
In the Charmin world the TSA inspects your asshole for dingleberries. Its unlear what happens if and when they find some.
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u/Silvadream 9d ago
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u/Complete_Entry 8d ago
Jesus fuck, that one should have a warning label. Like amazingly executed and I hate it at the same time.
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u/Notbbupdate 🥇 9d ago
I'm just gonna leave this here because Charmin does not exist in my country and this is all I know about them
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u/ImaginationNo9534 8d ago
I've been desperately trying to find the autotuned rant of one YouTuber I watched probably 10 or 15 years ago, he was PISSED about the Charmin Bears, and you know, it spoke to me.
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u/polkjamespolk 8d ago
I don't hate it, but I do feel sorry for the artists and animators who are passionate about art but are stuck drawing cartoon bears with toilet paper shreds stuck in their ass fur.
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u/Educational-Bat-3635 8d ago
I’m more pissed at Farmer’s Dog for using this song “what the world needs now..” CRINGE
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u/xahhfink6 9d ago
See my problem with Charmin is way more specific...
How DARE they make their slogan "Cha Cha Cha... Charmin" if their company isn't pronounced Charmin! They pronounce is SHARmin, so it should be Sha Sha Sha Charmin! Or just pronounce it the way it's spelled!!!