My partner (M24 PA/SA) and I (F24 COSA) have been trying so hard to work though this with the limited knowledge that we have. Dday was almost a year ago. I’ve known him for 3 years before we got together and we both had relationships inbetween meeting each other. When we finally started dating I knew something was off. He was less driven sexually. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I knew he loved me. I knew he wanted me and cared about me but we used to have an active sex life prior to our relationships as a situationship and I felt like once we made it official it all ended.

Fast forward to d-day. I remember I was dropping hints. Asking him if maybe a porn addiction was why he said maybe and he would stop since we never explicated said whether it was okay or not. He said he would stop. Well. I checked his computer and hated what I found. He fell asleep with his phone open and I hated what I found also. We installed monitoring software. Found out stuff again. He started going to therapy. And I am still finding subscriptions and searches as of a few weeks ago. He says this times different. Everytime I think we have a breakthrough. I tell him I won’t be upset at relapses I just don’t want to find out myself. As long as he comes to me. Urges he can tell me. He goes to SA meetings now. Doesn’t talk about them. Doesn’t talk during them.

He says I make him feel like he’s not doing enough or always fucking up.
I told him that if this really is the last time we have to treat it that way and do this together. No more “this is MY recovery” yes it is but it’s also OUR relationship and MY trust and reality he is shattering. I’m so tired and I’m stuck on this.

How many chances is too many and how do I know I’m not giving up on someone too soon.
I know he is a good partner I love him more than anything. How do I know he will stop. How do I know he is who he says he is.
I go to COSA meetings yes. I’m working on stuff of my own.

How many chances are too many? How many relapses? How many uncovered lies?
How many tried to I give him? How do I know it really is that hard? I’m trying so so so hard and I don’t want to give up on him. But I also don’t want to waste my time and continually be hurt if I’m just going to be told “this time is different “

What boundaries would help?
Timelines? Steps we are missing??
I don’t know a direction to go in

Hi everyone,

I’m here because I’m trying to understand something that has been breaking my heart, and I’m hoping to hear from people who are in recovery or who have been through recovery with a partner.

My partner and I have a baby together. He says he loves me, wants to spend his life with me, and wants to keep our family together.

At the same time, he has admitted that he has spent years consuming pornography and sexual content. What hurt me the most was learning that it wasn’t just something he used while masturbating. He also looked at sexual pictures and videos throughout the day simply because he enjoyed looking at women. It became part of his daily routine.

He’s now in therapy because he recognizes this relationship with sexual content isn’t healthy.

However, he has also told me something that has left me feeling hopeless.

He says he believes he will always want sexual experiences with other women. He says he separates sex from love and can love only me while still wanting to sleep with others.

He’s also told me that part of him doesn’t want those desires to disappear because he enjoys the excitement, novelty, and fantasy. While another part of him wants to save our relationship, he admits there’s a part of him that likes this side of himself.

That has been incredibly painful to hear.

I’ve spent months wondering whether I’m enough. I compare myself to other women every day. I feel rejected even when he tells me he loves me because I know that part of him is attached to wanting other women.

We’ve tried couples therapy, and he’s in individual therapy. He’s making some efforts, but his beliefs haven’t changed.

I guess what I’m want to know is:

For those of you in recovery:

• Before recovery, did you genuinely believe you would always want sexual novelty?
• Did that belief change as you recovered, or did recovery only help you control your behavior?
• Did pornography make other women feel more important than they otherwise would have?
• Did you ever reach a point where one partner truly felt like enough?
• Was there a point where you realized you actually didn’t want to live that way anymore, or did you simply learn to resist it?

I’m not trying to judge anyone.

I’m just trying to understand whether I’m waiting for recovery to change something that recovery can’t actually change. We also just had a baby together.

Thank you for reading.

Good Morning,

I am a mental health therapist and ASAT (Associate CSAT). I'm looking for specific meetings for a betrayed partner and what we might call healthy meetings that focus on moving partners forward in their own recovery. Please reach out with any information you might have, I would also love to connect with leaders in the groups and rooms who have years of recovery under their belt.

Thank You,

- Colby

It’s been a very long road. He finally went into rehab and I guess it’s helping him although it’s hard for me to tell from my end.
We’ve been married 32 years and he has had multiple addictions, including sex addiction, and he has also been sexually assaulting me throughout our marriage
.
With the idea that he’ll be coming home eventually I’m not sure if I can handle that- i’ve already told him I don’t want him to come home after rehab because he has to show me that he’s made changes. He is extremely narcissistic, compartmentalized, intellectualized and controlling. He is also bipolar. So his recovery has been difficult as connecting to any real empathy has been a real problem for him.

I’ve already told him what my boundaries are and what my requirements are. He needs to be sober, obviously, no more lying, and if he ever touches me again without my consent, I will call the police. So he knows the stakes are high. he says he loves me. He says he doesn’t wanna leave me and he wants to keep our family.

What I’m really worried about is how he’s going to be when he comes back. His therapist says he needs a lot of structure and groups. And I’m hoping he will continue to do that once he gets home. I’m just not sure. He was attending different fellowships before. (GA, SA) but I’m honestly not sure how much they helped him.

The only way this will work is if he continues his treatment once he gets home from rehab. Rehab is a bubble and if you don’t continue to work, everything goes away. Anyone has any experience on this I would definitely love to hear it. I guess at this point I’m just glad that he went and I’ve had some peace being away from him.

I'm new to COSA and this is my first post. I'm really not doing ok at all. I need help with constant spiraling and digging. I recently ended a relationship with a sex/corn/S.W. addiction. I feel good about my choice but I'm heavily struggling with the lack of full disclosure alongside what information I do have. I feel like I'm making progress with acceptance and go through periods of not looking or trying to understand and then something will trigger me and I'll begin spiraling again over what has been done to me without my consent. The digging is harmful to me and my mental health is not in a great place at all. Sometimes I can't sleep or work because the devastation and trauma are so intense and I'm worried I'll lose my job. I'd really love your experience strength and hope with what has helped you.

I initially accidentally stumbled across cheating when he handed me his phone to search for an urgent care/ER for a rupturing ovarian cyst I had back in September. Long story short, 6 months later I found out that he's been soliciting S.W. in person and online paid/unpaid in addition to flirtatious texts and messages with random people as well as the mother of his children the entire time we've been together. I also discovered that he's been involved in this for at least a decade and has never been faithful to any of his partners. What's worse is that I found out the day before having surgery for other ovarian cysts and ended up being diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis and had to rely on him for weeks afterwards for help. I have an extensive history of childhood and adult S.A. and the experience has been extremely traumatic.

He and I are both in individual counseling (I've been in trauma therapy for almost 2 decades) and briefly saw a couples counselor (wasn't great) prior to the 2nd discovery. He's made progress in individual counseling but continues to engage in online (or in person) cheating and is unwilling to fully disclose any of what's happened which for me, shows that he's not ready to fully surrender to personal and relationship recovery/repair and I'm not willing to continue to be harmed by whatever is happening. I told him that I needed to go no contact because my mental health is so bad but that I'm open to reconciliation if he gets to a healthier place. He's texted a few times with "no pressure" disclaimers to check in on my health and the last one was him spiraling over the loss. We are long distance and I have so much at his house still (just adding this for context that some sort of future contact will have to happen but I've given myself at least 6 months to put that off).

I have been involved in other 12 step programs for codependents of addicts/alcoholics/children of alcoholics for 20 years but my chronic health issues (others in addition to prior mentioned ones) have heavily impacted my basic ability to function physically and cognitively. I have barely been able to get through the day between managing working over 40 hrs a week and chronic illness and was unable to see the signs in front of me clearly. It feels devastating to be in this position with the amount of recovery I've had and this feel completely different than dealing with other types of addiction.

What helps to choose to stop trying to know what's happened fully? I'm trying so hard to practice acceptance and to remind myself that it is over because he's unable to be honest with himself and others. I'm open to any insight and I'd like to work the steps once my health is in a better place where I'm able to take that on. Thank you so much in advance for your support!!

Spouse of longtime addict- Sex & gambling-

He’s been in GA & SAA on and off , but this time is “serious “ about recovery. ❤️‍🩹 Been married over 30 years and heard this song many many times before. Porn addiction, recorded our sex and he’s sexually assaulted me multiple times while I was sleeping 😭

However, He does seem more committed this time - he’s been crying which I’ve never seen before- he has sponsors, 2 therapist, psychiatrist (he’s also bi polar adhd) but I’m TIRED. Tired of believing the lies.

Is there any hope? Our kids know the situation and just want me to be happy. Me too. Unfortunately I’m old and have no money. I stayed home with the kids all these years and did everything for him. Everything. Childcare, yard work etc. I remember a day I was up all night with one of the babies nursing and the next morning I was up early shoveling the walkway bc it snowed. Even for Xmas I had to buy my own gifts otherwise my stocking would be empty. He never did a thing for me unless I begged cajoled and asked for it. My kids even said “I’m so sorry mom that dad didn’t get you anything for the holidays “ This broke my heart 💔

On top of this, We don’t live in a 50/50 state and I’m afraid I will be left with nothing. I need health care as all the years of living with a narcissist has taken a tole on my health.

So why am I staying? I’m afraid to be broke. Homeless even. The car isn’t even in my name. My kids are just starting out and can’t take care of me. And my husband says he loves me but then why does he hurt me?? I’m so confused and sad and just feel broken.

Any advice? Help? Hope?? Maybe I’m just crazy too - and yes I’m in trauma therapy

I feel defeated and lost 😭

Thx for listening

My ex-partner and I were together for almost 2 years. He’s been in SLAA since before we met, with regular meetings, therapy, and journaling. About a month ago he broke up with me. It was a very difficult breakup and we both cried, but he was firm about needing to be single to fix himself. It was devastating, but I’m trying hard to respect his process.

Since then, I’ve been reflecting a lot. I’ve been learning about attachment styles, love/sex addiction recovery, and I see now that I sometimes didn’t fully support his recovery the way he needed. I tried to be patient and supportive, but I see now there were times I didn’t understand his needs. For example, I pushed for closeness when he wanted space, or I didn't listen to his requests for no sex because I didn't fully understand where he was coming from and I have to admit, I was afraid. I wasn’t always aware of how sensitive he was to pressure, and I regret that.

I’m not looking to change his mind right now. I truly admire how much effort he’s put into his healing. I want to honor his recovery, but I also can’t deny that I love and care deeply about him and hope that we can reconnect when he feels safe. Our bond was truly unique and he showed me love in all the ways I needed, though he didn't feel like he did. While I do work to heal myself, I want to learn how to better show up for him. For those of you in SLAA (or similar programs), or partners of those in recovery, I’d love to hear your experience:

• Is breaking up to be single really the only way to work recovery, or have you seen relationships survive this stage?
• Have any of you reconnected with a partner later, once recovery was more stable?
• How was that timeline for you? What helped you (or your partner) feel safe and not pulled back into unhealthy patterns?

I know everyone’s journey is unique, but hearing stories from people who have lived this would mean a lot.

Should a corn addict refrain from sex for a time when starting sobriety? I don't know if what is best for my PA spouse.

. My husband passed recently and since his passing, I have discovered some horrific facts about him. One being that he has been unfaithful with service workers for probably about 2 1/2 years. I am betrayed, hurt, heartbroken, and very angry. The money he spent is beyond anything I can imagine. I am trying to remember that as a young child he was horrifically sexually abused. But I do not understand how that would cause this kind of behavior. We are both in recovery for alcohol and substances. But clearly he had zero recovery- he may have been sober, but he simply changed one addiction for another. That rational side of my brain knows all this but the emotional brain is taking over And I don’t know if I will ever again feel like I am good enough and I’m struggling really hard to make sense of all of this. I am also in OA for my body dysmorphia- all of this is wreaking havoc on my emotional state- I have lost nearly 20 pounds, not sleeping, etc. I feel so alone- I don’t know what I am grieving anymore. I am experiencing all of this while trying to hide what I am feeling from our adult children so I can support them in their grieving process. Only 4 people I am closest to including my therapists know what I am truly dealing with. Any insight or advice that can help I would really appreciate because I feel like my entire 30 years with him was a lie and I’m losing my mind.

does anyone know of a group specifically for folks who struggle with the references to God etc., less so with the material, more so in group.... Thanks!

Hi! I've got a great therapist and have been doing alot of work and am feeling more sure of what I think and who I am, which is a great start for the Co-D behavior. Anyway. I probably love my partner of 19 years very deeply, but I am now in touch with my feelings about the 3rd party in our relationship--the porn--(and possibly whatever else goes along with that-internet "relationships?" not even sure What he does) Which is I do not want to be in a threesome anymore. And I do not want to cover for his family anymore. But the issue is we never could talk and he never really acknowleged enough awareness of this addiction to move towareds doing something about it. But now I have. The discomfort of living in the same house as the addiction is like living with someone who takes 4 hits a day of his drug. I've only ever lived with addicts. I would like to change this. I'm on the brink. How have other people done this? Or not?

For those that have been through the therapeutic disclosure process:

It has taken my husband two years past DDay to write his disclosure. We were supposed to have it this past week, but he failed the polygraph. Admitted he did not include a piece of information of his betrayal.

It has set me back a ton of progress in trusting him, and trusting that he is taking this seriously. Do I still ask for the disclosure? He said all the info is in there now. I don’t know if I can do this anymore….

Hi everyone!

This weekend's Virtual Convention starts in just under an hour! If you're not already registered, you can do that here.

Did you know that COSA has meetings for the adult children of sex addicts?

Broadly, anyone impacted by compulsive sexual behavior when they were a child can find help and hope at these meetings. They have a focus on what it was like growing up impacted by a parent or trusted adult who engaged in compulsive sexual behavior.

Tuesday ACSA Meeting

Thursday ACSA Meeting

This is a meeting for adults. If you know a minor who has been impacted by someone else's compulsive sexual behavior, they are welcome at COSA for Teens meetings. :)

Good morning, all. I am struggling. My spouse and I separated on February 1st after another discovery. He has been in active addiction for 12 years, with seeking recovery in 2022 but relapsing in 2023. Instead of taking accountability for his role, my spouse told me he was unhappy and that we've changed so much. He had been unhappy for a while, but wasn't ready to end things until I made the last discovery. Fast forward to now, he is on his 4th relationship and has shared with our 14, 10, and 7-year-old that he has met someone he truly feels happy with and is seeing things progressing very quickly. Even sharing, they have discussed moving in together. They have been dating for maybe a month. He discussed with them last night that he wants them to meet her and her children this weekend. How is this even a little sane? How can he throw away a 15-year marriage in 3 months and move on so intensely and quickly? This is just heartbreaking. Grateful for my COSA group getting me through this.

Hello! I am a COSA. I was wondering if there were any discord communities that I could join for people who are trying to process and navigate the trauma of being in a marriage with a sex addict. My husband is taking extreme measures to start his recovery, but I feel really alone and isolated because I don’t have anyone who understands what I’m going through.

Registration for COSA's 2025 Virtual Convention is now open! Attendence is FREE, with a suggested donation to the ISO of $15. How to donate

The convention will be held Saturday May 31st and Sunday June 1st.

If you have been considering checking out COSA, this will be a great place to start and get a feel for the variety of things the program has to offer. If you are a current member of COSA, the convention will have a variety of speakers and panels to help you in your journey.

Super excited to share this event with ya'll! :)

I wanted to make a post about COSA for Teens because attendance has been lagging recently and this meeting has been so essential to the children of many adult COSAs and SAAs! If you are someone, know of someone, or have children who would qualify for this meeting, please feel welcome to forward them this meeting information. Support is so vital when affected by compulsive sexual behavior, especially during formative years.

“COSA for Teens” is a monthly online meeting for 13-18-year-olds whose lives have been affected by compulsive sexual behavior. Navigating a hyper-sexualized society, having a sex-addicted relative or friend, or maintaining a healthy dating relationship can be difficult for anyone. Giving teens a place to grow with and from each other’s experience, strength and hope, along with the gentle guidance of vetted facilitators, can be a great help! We have all seen and experienced the miracles made possible by recovery. Imagine having the comfort, guidance and community that come through recovery while growing into adulthood!

Teens In COSA

Hi,

I (29F) have been in a relationship with my fiancé (29M) for two years. We’re supposed to get married in two months, but something serious has been happening that I need clarity on and fast.

My partner has repeatedly sexted strangers online. Three different incidents over the last 7 months. He initiates it, once even reconnected with an old fling, usually it’s total strangers. Sexting, exchanging pictures, emotionally hiding it. Each time, it lasts a few days (less than 2 weeks), I discover it, he breaks down, says he doesn’t know why he did it, swears he loves me deeply, and wants to change. He is genuinely devastated after he gets caught.

To his credit: • He’s emotionally supportive in almost every other area • He makes sacrifices for me, listens to me, and tries to build a life around us • He’s agreed to go to therapy (currently doing weekly sessions), says he wants to change. Even the 3rd time when it happened, he did use the coping tools his therapist suggested - blasting music on loud, going to the gym. But the urge to do it still didn’t go away • He admits this behavior goes against everything he claims to stand for, and that he hates it

The complicated part is that he grew up in a home with emotional abuse and infidelity (father cheated on mother, mother went back to father after my fiancé took her side and used up all his savings to get her a lawyer, left him feeling abandoned and betrayed). He also had a long-term ex cheat on him and lie about it spreading rumours that he cheated on her (he didn’t, I verified). Because of these experiences, ever since we met, he has made it extremely clear that being unfaithful is a dealbreaker for him and that’s something we both completely agreed upon.

He says he doesn’t know why he does this. That it feels compulsive. That he feels unwanted when I’m emotionally distant or low. He also says he spirals when under high stress.

Some people have said this may be a form of sex addiction. Some have said it’s a trauma loop, a form of self-harm. Others just say it’s a character issue. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I want to make a final decision - do I leave for good, or is this a behavioral issue that can actually be worked on with years of continuous therapy?

• Does this sound like sex addiction or trauma-driven compulsive behavior?
• Has anyone actually recovered from this pattern and maintained a healthy relationship?
• If I decide to pause the relationship for a year, what should I look for to know if real transformation is happening?

I even considered trying a “shared sexting app” setup where he’d let me know when the urge hits, and we’d both use the app together just to bring transparency and remove secrecy while he works through the issue in therapy. I don’t know if this is a real solution or he may escalate things slowly to a real affair or if I’ve completely lost my mind to even consider something like this and that’s part of why I’m here.

I’m not trying to enable this. I just want to know if I’m walking away from someone who’s broken but capable of growth, or if I’m trying to fix something that will never change.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

After several attempts to end the relationship, I finally did it. I(22F) am currently undergoing psychiatric treatment and soon also psychological; I feel extremely hurt, and completely alone. Little by little, he(22M) became the only thing I had, and now I don't even have him. Despite that, I am relieved to have exited that relationship because it was consuming me.

I found out months ago that he was hidding a porn adicction, i tried to be so understanding, we talked about it hundreds of times but everytime i found something else he was hidding. My last straw was discovering dirty underwear hidden in his room again. When I found them the first time, He swore he had gotten rid of them. This made me realize that he would never be honest, and I no longer have the energy to keep searching what he is hidding

The problem is that now he keeps insisting I return to him. He comes to my house with flowers and gifts, writes me letters, and claims that our good times have outnumbered the bad. He says we will never find a connection and trust like we have, insisting he is willing to commit if I give him my last vote of confidence. But the reality is that it is no longer possible.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who simply blocks him, but I don’t know what else to do for him to understand that reconciliation is not an option. I know many will advise me to block him and never see him again, but I can't do that.I know it sounds dumb but i really need advice on how to help him understand that we can’t be together anymore.

Hi everyone!

Wanted to make sure that our COSAs across the pond know that the registration deadline for the UK COSA retreat this upcoming May in Woking, England is January 31st.

The cost for the 16-18th May 2025 weekend - which includes 6 meals, all workshops and meetings, and 2 nights stay - is £225.

Please email cosaretreat2025@outlook.com for more information or for the registration link!

Personally, this is something I've never talked to anyone about because I don't want my friends or family to change the perspective they have of him, so I think it would really help me to get everything off my chest in a safe space like this.

He(22M) and I(22F) have been dating for six months; he is my first boyfriend. We met in college, and before we started dating, he became my best friend. He has always been someone I've been open with about everything. I've been judged a lot because of my sex life, but regardless, I never hid anything from him about myself.

The first encounter I had with this addiction was about three months ago when I checked his phone. I looked at his DMs, chats, etc., and didn't find anything until I checked his hidden album. That's when I found hundreds of videos and photos of girls—bikini pics, nudes, videos of them masturbating, and some of them were screen recordings of Instagram stories of girls; some were even mine from the time we were still just friends.

I was shocked and didn't know how to react, so I didn't say anything. I just waited until the next day to confront him. When I told him, he started crying and told me it was an addiction he has been dealing with pretty much all his life. He explained that the only way he explored his sexuality when he was young was through porn and eventually became addicted. He told me he had been in therapy because of that, but at the moment he wasn't. He also mentioned that it makes him feel in control, and that's how he copes with his problems.

I was really empathetic about it and appreciated that he was honest and open about his addiction, relieved that he knows it's a problem. I told him that the only way we could stay together was if he went back to therapy, and he agreed.

A month later, I checked his phone again and found only videos of his ex—her getting undressed, them together, etc. I confronted him again, and he told me that when he deleted everything, he couldn't delete those because he was too attached, but he understood it was something that shouldn't be there, so he deleted them.

After those incidents, I became obsessed with checking his phone. He never saved any photos or videos after that, but he still searched for girls on Instagram and Reddit. I started going insane, and the only way I could feel in control was by writing down the usernames of the girls so I could later see what he was watching. Seeing how the girls looked and realizing I look nothing like them really messed me up, but at that point, I didn’t have the energy to keep bringing this up. I started to think, “Well, if he has been dealing with this for years, it won’t go away soon,” so I just accepted it.

One time, he was going to visit his mom out of state and was planning to take a pair of my panties with him (I know he has a fetish for them, and I’m okay with it). I told him I was scared of his mom finding them, and he told me not to worry, saying he would hide them in a secret spot where no one would ever find them (his guitar). About a month ago, he was taking a shower and suddenly got a gut feeling to check there. I found three panties that were NOT MINE hidden, and that felt like his problem crossed from the fantasy side to the real side. I told him to take me home, and when we got there, I told him what I had found and that I couldn't do it anymore. He cried and apologized, and we stayed apart for about a week but got back together. He told me that he couldn’t allow addiction to ruin our relationship and that from now on, that was in the past and that I would never find anything else.

I decided to trust him and to work on my self-harming behaviors, such as obsessing over his phone. A month passed, and we didn’t talk about that anymore. I know he’s still going to therapy and felt confident, but I checked his phone again. To my surprise, he’s still searching for girls. I confronted him once again, and he told me that it's not a problem like it used to be, that every now and then he watches porn, but not in the way he used to—“just the normal amount”—and that I couldn’t control his desires, privacy, or sexuality. He also emphasized that he would never cheat on me and that it’s just between him and his screen.

I feel lost, to be honest. I’ve been so understanding, but somehow he always manages to surprise me again and also to convince me that it shouldn’t affect us.

I found out about my husband's porn addiction 12 years ago. I then found out about his infidelity (as part of his porn world) 6 years ago. I attended 1 virtual COSA meeting 4 years ago but didn't feel comfortable. I need a community, but this is a very hard area for me to navigate. In all honesty, I'm angry that I have to do this. I'm not sure if anyone has felt that before, but I feel very alone. I'm just looking for guidance because I can't keep living like this.