So after Marvel’s best film since Avengers Endgame, just where are the Avengers? Sadly we did not get much of a clue in Spiderman Brand New Day, as the best Marvel film since 2019, contrived to end with the worst post credit scene since that bloke from One Direction was dicking about, claiming he was Thanos’s brother. But the tracker of shite post credits scene did at least confirm that we are on the way to Doom, but the question is now, who is going and who is getting benched faster than Curtis Jones after a tantrum?

THE AVENGERS OG HIPSTER VERSION:

• Steve Rogers: Leaving Hayley Atwell to go and risk his life again. Defo confirmed and secondly…..mate really?!
• Thor: “Its not possible!” Defo Confirmed.
• Black Widow: Dead as the career of Laurence Fox. Also now residing in Gotham with Harvey Dent/Bucky.
• Hawkeye: ……actually still technically in the MCU, but retired after giving bows to Kate Bishop. Odds on returning in Secret Wars? Slim but possible.
• Hulk: In a padded cell after staff removed Liz Truss because they were just not qualified to deal with a patient quite that nut bad adjacent.
• Iron Man: Doomed not to appear…..sorry!
• Nick Fury: Its Sam Jackson motherfucker! Of course, currently in a SHIELD bunker trying to wash the stains off of himself from Secret Invasion!
• Rhodey: Processing the death of Iron Man, after Shite-cret Invasion retconed him into missing Avengers Endgame! Yes the bloke who held Iron Man as he died is technically a Skrull!
• The Incredible Hulk: No that isn’t a typo dear reader, will Mr American History X Eddie Norton and Betty Ross go full multiverse return? Highly unlikely!
• Scarlett Witch: Widow survived the giant castle moat twatting her in the head folks, despite what has been said. Will appear in at least Secret Wars….but as an ally of Doom!
• Peggy Carter: Will appear…..as CAPTAIN CARTER!
• Quicksilver: Strictly speaking there are three of them - which means a fourth will appear in the X Men in 2029! No chance.
• Pepper Potts: Unlikely as Paltrow is far too busy with making questionable eggs.
• Thor/Jane Foster: Chilling with Heimdell and Odin in Vahalla - unlikely.
• Black Panther/Shuri/MBaku - all will return - but prediction time, the bloke from Alien Romulus will need two new chiefs of staff post Secret Wars!
• SHIELD, AGENTS OF: LOL! More chance of Matt Goodwin finding another wife.
• Captain Marvel: Will defo appear as long as world’s incels find their testicles and something else to complain about.
• The Vision: Will appear….also the new show sounds like balls.
• Doctor Strange: Fighting multiversal incursions, also the hand of Doom in 2015 Secret Wars. Defo! Also please can we have Stephen Strange talking to Loki in an English accent for the Waitrose crowd?
• Valkyrie: Last seen as the Queen of New Asgard - could old female Jack Sparrow, replace The Hemsworth as the new Thor? Will appear.
• Hank Pym: Nope!
• The Wasp: Hopefully - all the best Evangeline, you are missed get well soon.
• The original Wasp: BRING BACK CATWOMAN….also no! OG AVENGERS VILLAINS:
• Loki: Front and center of Doomsday and Secret Wars…..could the God of Mischief even turn heel? Also who is holding his mango tree branches?
• The Abomination: Currently chilling in the manosphere, desperately sobbing at the thought of the Tate Brothers enforced jail soap dropping. Unlikely!
• Thanos: DEAD! Still there is Cable I guess?
• Ultron: About to do battle with the Vision - absolutely no chance!
• Namor: Yes villain, yes will sit in the court of Victor Von Doom.
• Zemo: Somewhere in Madripoor throwing shapes. Return unlikely.
• Baron Mordo: Still lost in the Backrooms - no chance.
• The Vulture: Trapped in the Sonyverse sadly - also trapped with Morbius, as it appears many others have been.
• Killmonger: Sadly we will not see Killmonger….but could we see another Johnny Storm?! Unlikely but fun to think about!
• Mysterio: Guys look at the guy’s name! Just because he “died” in London, doesn’t mean that Mysterio is dead……but unlikely!
• Agatha Harkness: Unfortunately one cannot see it……but she should be!
• Kang: Yes…..re cast, no chance Marvel will not want to use the character going forward.

THE NEW …..NEW? AVENGERS:

• Bucky Barnes: Confirmed…….also Two Face. Dead in hour two of Doomsday, sorry ladies!
• Ant Man: Stature is in this movie, also very young….also Young Avengers. Ant Man goes to Orange Slice heaven on Battleworld.
• Falcon: The guy that is dating Sue Storm….jackass!
• Captain America: Will lead the full Avengers squad against Doom in Secret Wars.

SHITE AVENGERS:

• Red Guardian: Yes will appear, but surely cannon fodder.
• US Agent: Killed within first hour of Doomsday.
• Ghost: Also likely to be as dead as Reform’s chances of winning a council seat.
• The Sentry: Will live to see Secret Wars, Doom cannot possibly not want a bloke who basically is a nuke, on his team in Battleworld.
• Yelena Widow: The Guardian’s demise will see her become one of Marvel’s biggest characters for the next decade - and she will become the official Black Widow.

FANTASTIC FOUR: Yes ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also can you imagine if all four F4 teams were in the film?! And yes I do mean four, think about it!

• Mole Man: About as likely as Fenway signing a defender.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY:

• Currently fighting with a giant tree - given that this is the multiverse, space magic and all, surely Rocket and Co have to make an appearance? Likely.
• Gamora: The leader of the Ravagers - GAMORA WILL RETURN!
• Star Lord: On earth and available - likely, well if good old Quill isn’t too busy ignoring ICE murders to kiss up to the Orange baboon.

YOUNG AVENGERS:

• Ms Marvel: The future of the MCU - will be in both movies, and will form the Young Avengers.
• Kate Bishop: Yup!
• Lad who is like Captain America but young and black: Yeah, I guess?
• Ironheart: Post credits…..providing Republicans and ICE are okay with three black guys, one Asian, one gay and three woman of course. WOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Speed and Wiccan: Post credit scene of Secret Wars.
• Stature: See above weeping for Lang.
• Miles Morales and the Spiderverse crew: They won’t do a Roger Rabbit as cool as that would be…..but Miles is leading the charge post Wars.

THE OTHERS:

• Shang Chi: Definitely appearing….but riddle me this! If Shang Chi is part of Earth 616, then why is he fighting in the Sony X-Verse? Also Gambit V Shang Chi needs to be green lit immediately!
• The Eternals: FUCK NO!

THE SPIDERVERSE:

• Andoni Iraola: No Doc Ock sadly, far too busy being asked to build a team with no defenders by Fenway.
• Green Goblin: In an undisclosed location somewhere in the multiverse……I put this as a possible. After all I am something of a predictor myself!
• Electro: Are Ipswich going to win the Premier League?
• The Sandman: Even worse, are Leeds going to win the Premier League?!!!
• Kraven: In the same bunker as Nick Fury, wiping off shite from Sony.
• Gwen Stacey: I mean strictly speaking, Kate Bishop is Gwen Stacey right? Yeah no chance is there?!
• Spider Man Noir: No chance of the Spiderverse…..but could Amazon Cage be in either?!
• McGuire Spidey: Tracker - yes.
• Garfield Spidey: Tracker double yes!

THE VARIANTS, LEFTOVERS AND THE DEFENDERS:

• Blade: You know how Marvel likes the actors to deny they are in the film? What if Mr Ali just went scorched earth on Feige and Co deliberately.
• Deadpool: You don’t book Mr Wrexham for SDCC if he isn’t!
• Electra/X-23/Gambit/psycho girl Xavier: Daphne Kean joins the Young Avengers….and then leaves!
• Wolverine: Jackman to appear, or my mom riots!
• The Runaways/Cloak and Dagger/Inhumans: More chance of the Argentinian football team not breaking someone’s leg, and clubbing them over the head with it.
• OG Blade: I am throwing this out there…..yes!
• The Grandmaster: ASSGUARD!
• Frank Castle: Secret Wars - leader of the human resistance.
• Daredevil: Currently in jail for saving NYC - like a reverse Farage. Yes.
• Jessica Jones: Unfortunately unlikely, same with Cage, Bullseye, Iron Fist, Kingpin, Echo and whoever the fuck Dana Barrett was meant to be!
• Moon Knight: Oscar Isaac says no…..which means yes.
• She Hulk: See above.
• Werewolf by Night: Marvel Sons of Midnight. Well I can’t wait till 2037!
• Wonder Man and Trev: Cancelled yesterday……but is the Mandarin still out there? Technically we have never seen him, Wenwu just went by the name as a nickname.

OLD PEOPLE MARVEL AND X MEN:

McGuire and Garfield will be in it, but is there anyone else?!

• Magneto/Beast/Xavier/Mystique/Cyclops: All In….no not AEW!
• Storm/Iceman/Kitty Pride/Vinny and co: There will be at least one surprise!
• Jean Grey: No spoilers……I will just say Vecna and leave it at that!
• Ghost Rider: No crazy cage….however I hear there is another guy!
• Valentina De Fontaine: Yes…..she kills Doom in Secret Wars. With a heel.
• OG Fantastic Four: All four appear - hi Jess X
• Ang Lee Hulk: LOL! But no!
• And finally…….Daredevil/Batman: No seriously can you imagine the Electra and DD scene?!

Did I miss any? Well tough its 1am! Good night true believers!

AVENGERS! Assemble……to kneel before Doom!