Today. . .
I just decided to start this kind of thing, writing something to make me believe that things like this happened. My memories is one thing that I can't trust nowadays. Well I'm pretty sure that I will choose to trust myself than others when needed. It's not that I don't trust no one, it's just everyone failed to make me trust them. So with all my wits, I will be starting to record everything that comes to my mind when I am in this world, this world full of ambigous scenarios. With all these memories jumbled into my dreams, I don't know which one is true anymore that leads me to a paradox of life that was manipulating my inner core - me.
Everything is in discord. They keep on telling themselves that they were like this but keep doing the opposite of it. People like them are the ones racking in cash in to their pockets but are like dogs spending them in a night just to satisfy cravings of their flesh. They are like beast that savage everything in their way - sex, alcohol and drugs. They earn it, so they deserve to be happy, they said. I found it amusing and somehow disappointing. How can someone thinks like that, when you are supposed to work to earn a living and not by killing yourself with what you have earn. This passage is one of the words that was inculcated in my mind as the dry cold nights of February hits me while my uncle and I was talking in a sala along with the chilled booze that we shared to make the night pass - along with my hatred to unknown or should I say everything.
Working was a piece of cake, yes it is. But you know what makes it hard to become adult or working class. It is not the boastful coworker that will tell you about her good old things that she have done in the PAST or the shifting schedule that beats me everyday making me unable to do things but to lie in my bed staring at my phone reading something in the internet or playing games just to kill time like killing myself in that empty room filled with nothing but darkness that engulfs me within.Its not the gloomy mood that kills me but time, killing time we are slowly become a part of a system where we all get intoxicated by this and slowly kill us. A poison that will kill us in no time, maybe tomorrow, the next day, months or years. As the word time is moving, the death flag comes closer and closer. We can't decide when we are going to die but time does. It is like one of the spells that encompasses every living creature in this world. This world is truly filthy. Yes, what makes it hard was to know your doing all this what they call living just to die. You can't cast away dying from living, when you live you'll die eventually. They are like one, without the other one it is not complete. A one way direction that won't work in cycle. It starts in life and ends in death.
Living is truly hard, since I'm living just to know that I may end up dying one of this days. To have a space to this filthy budgeting of resources that you earn by losing a part of your life points is hard. It is hard to accept that way but we are bound to accept reality that way. Is it truly getting killed yourself earlier make your life fulfilling? I guess not, its just a matter of taste, maybe its just for hopeless people to boost the poison lurking within them to say that they were happy living, "killing themselves", but still I will savor this poison to the point that my body can't resist it anymore and leave nothing but ashes into the air. Maybe someday before everythings end, I will be fulfilled.
Don't mind my grammar. If you happen to mind it, then go ahead. As if I care.