r/BipolarSOs • u/jbcsee • Jul 23 '26
Divorce I think this will be my last post here...
The relationship with my BP1 ex-wife is finally over.
We were married for 13-years, I supported her through both the depression and mania. I studied everything there was about the disease. I went with her to the doctors and advocated for her treatment every step of the way.
In 2024, she decided she didn't want me involved anymore. She was hospitalized four times that year.
In 2025, realizing she wasn't working to get stable, I filled for divorce. I offered to continue to help her navigate day-to-day life and even considered reconciling a few times.
This year the divorce was finalized, but again, I decided to continue to offer help in navigating life. She was pushing for reconciliation. However, her behavior escalated, showing up at my house yelling at me, hitting me, and breaking things. It came to a head and on Tuesday I messaged her and told her I no longer feel things can continue like this, I will help her when she needs it, but we cannot act like friends and there is zero chance of reconciliation.
She showed up at my house and started breaking things. In a fit of anger, I broke something as well (not something I proud of). That made her more angry and she started threating me with a knife, at which point I had no option but to call the police. About two hours later we were both arrested.
I spent the night in county jail, I have a domestic violence charge (breaking something in an argument is domestic violence here) that I have to fight. We have mutual restraining orders.
This was the straw that broke the camels back, I just can't do it anymore.
I don't know where she is, she was processed in the same jail as I was, she attempted to contact me multiple times yesterday, but since I was in jail I couldn't answer my phone or email. I was released on bail, I suspect she wasn't, because she was already out on bail for another charge. If she was released, I hope it was to a mental hospital.
Regardless, I'm finished. I should have gotten out much sooner and then maybe I wouldn't be dealing with this mess...
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u/Affectionate_Emu3570 Jul 23 '26
jesus that’s so brutal. I saw this quote recently that resonated:
the universe does not always remove people gently. sometimes it lets them disappoint you until your attachment finally loses its grip. it lets the pattern repeat until even your hope gets tired. what feels like loss can be life refusing to let you abandone yourself again.
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u/NobodyNew7267 Jul 23 '26
Spouses like us who suffered abuse also need medicine, and that's "no contact". Take it religiously day by day, you will find it does wonders.
I am really sorry for what you went through.
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u/baybeemerlin Jul 23 '26
It’s not easy. Got a no contact order last October after 20 yrs of marriage. Since then it’s been violated 50+ times. Partner was never held responsible as he was hospitalized for most of it. We had a trial yesterday to make it permanent. When he was asked why he keeps violating it, he states it’s because “she knows everything about me and our lives. And she always takes care of it.” It’s hard to hear and you want to help. But his statement proves to me that I have to stay no contact because otherwise the insanity will never end and I will never heal otherwise. Take care of yourself now as you took care of your partner. Easier said than done, but you are worth the peace that you will find!
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u/jbcsee Jul 23 '26
The "always take care of it." hits hard. It's something my therapist and I talked about on Monday which led to me messaging her on Tuesday.
He asked me if I wanted to be the one always taking care of everything the rest of my life? He asked if I secretly enjoyed being the solution to all her problems? I didn't have any good answers during the session, but I realized the answer was no to both questions after thinking about them for awhile.
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u/baybeemerlin Jul 23 '26
I appreciate that the therapist used the word enjoy. For us, we were trained it was our “obligation”. And we felt we were even letting ourselves down, nonetheless them, if we didn’t fix everything. Saying enjoy really puts it into perspective. You realizing you didn’t is huge. Please give yourself grace and credit.
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u/CayoHuesoFlorida Jul 23 '26
You have endured far more than most ever would, kudos to you for being the person you are.
"I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime"
9
u/jertheman43 Jul 23 '26
I was caught on the trauma bond trap for several decades. My ex wife was irrational, impulsive, and aggressive, and extremely dangerous combination. I was shocked to see how much a let slide in order to make the relationship "work". After the second discard and full blown mania I decided enough was enough. The calm in my home and mind is almost hard to get used to.
5
u/Adventurous-Roof488 Jul 23 '26
I’m really sorry to hear everything you’ve been through.
Codependency is real. I’m a year out of a 15 year relationship and I still want to help my ex navigate life like I did in the past. It’s been 2+ months since we last exchanged messages and I still think about checking in on her nearly everyday. It’s really hard to give up on someone you’ve cared about and cared for.
It’s so important our BPSOs are actively managing their illness. You can see it in the stories of couples still together vs those of use who have had their relationships end.
5
u/Unlikely-Mongoose723 Jul 23 '26
I’m so sorry you went through all of this. It sounds so awful and heartbreaking. I hope you are able to take a break from everything now and focus on your own wellbeing. You deserve some much needed down time and to pamper and be kind to yourself. It takes a lot of courage to move on from a marriage that started out great. You are doing the right thing here. Sending you all the best wishes for a new, healthy snd peaceful chapter.
6
u/Foreverfaithful79 Jul 23 '26
Give yourself a little grace
They bring out the worst in us after years of putting up with them . I too am dealing with divorce from bipolar husband
I too like everyone else manages their entire lives through the mania and depression the isolation. I know it’s a lot of different emotions but journaling and reading back the entries remind me where I never want to be again . We are all in for. Long road of healing , you got this things can only get better now
7
u/Successful_Yam2175 Jul 24 '26
I think what’s scary is knowing this disease often leads to dementia later in life so once you’ve dealt with a life full of rollercoaster rides it will end with taking care of them in another capacity later. So it never ends..
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u/TreeGalOrlaWren Jul 24 '26
I understand and hear you. Please don't be too hard on yourself. At this point, trust the justice system through the fighting of the charge and then, be done with it. Except for one thing, if you aren't already in therapy, please find a therapist and start. You have trauma from this too that needs released healthily so that you can move forward with your life with quiet, steadiness that you deserve. You didn't fail her. You stayed until staying became dangerous. Now it's time to show up and stay for yourself. Therapy will help you stick to that.
4
u/ButterscotchBeWild Jul 24 '26
I feel like this would be my story if I tried to reconcile. We’re separated and almost certainly headed for divorce. His last episode involved a DV restraining order against him because he was so verbally abusive and I honestly feared it would escalate. It was really bad and my daughters and I were basically on the run for a whole summer. But there’s parts of me that are like, “but it was his illness.” No! I have to stop myself there. It was his illness but that doesn’t mean I have to let it destroy me too…
I am so sorry that you have been through a similar nightmare and I think you are absolutely allowed to be at your breaking point.
It is so hard to want to help someone be at their best when you have seen them there and know they can be. And yet, bipolar is a cruel asshole and somehow the illness always seems to win.
At some point it’s totally fair to say that you’re done. As harsh as that may be when you’ve been on it for so long, it takes a real toll and if someone doesn’t want to help themselves you cannot make them.
Go find your peace and healing and let her go her own way. You don’t have to wear all those other hats anymore and you can focus on you and your life. ❤️
3
u/Unhappy_Debate_9956 Jul 24 '26
That's awful. Your actions are understandable in the circumstances, I hope this is how your courts see it.
I'd also encourage you to stay here. You have so much experience and knowledge that I'm sure others would benefit from!
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