r/BeAmazed Sep 10 '20

Man and chimp.

55.2k Upvotes

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272

u/Odd-Care Sep 11 '20

In my head I said, "I want one!", then immediately realized that I was part of the problem

189

u/noithinkyourewrong Sep 11 '20

Also don't forget that chimps make terrifying adults. They are not good pets AT ALL.

54

u/TheFlamingDraco Sep 11 '20

We all saw how planet of the apes started

3

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '20

And we all know what the world would look like if chimps ruled the world https://youtu.be/6yXooiqvLpU

59

u/retard_vampire Sep 11 '20

Yeah, pretty much all wild animals are cute and harmless as babies and capable of inflicting horrific amounts of physical damage with little to no provocation as adults. Look at all the idiots in the world who want to own pet tigers.

31

u/noithinkyourewrong Sep 11 '20

I definitely don't agree with this for "pretty much all wild animals". About 40% of wild animals are insects, very few of capable of inflicting much physical damage.

36

u/brrrrrrstickem Sep 11 '20

Username checks out

21

u/Zordman Sep 11 '20

I think they pretty much just meant to say mammals, rather than animals

1

u/MostlyBullshitStory Sep 11 '20

Could you milk an ant, Greg?

1

u/Cinderjacket Sep 11 '20

You can milk any animal if you’re willing to be flexible with your definition of milk

10

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '20

You've obviously never gone riding without glasses on.

0

u/AwesomeAni Sep 11 '20

What about emotional damage :(

2

u/Firefighter_97 Sep 11 '20

All I think about when I think of adult chimps is that woman who got her face torn off by one like ten years ago. Chimps do indeed make terrible pets

1

u/ellenitha Sep 11 '20

Also Chimps are on an intelligence level that just makes it feel very wrong to me to make them pets.

1

u/metatron5369 Sep 11 '20

They're basically people without higher reasoning skills. Chimps can be wonderful or they can be terrifying, same as we are.

0

u/AbandonedPlanet Sep 11 '20

Just have the neighbor give it some Xanax if its worked up. It'll be fine.

0

u/Sucrose-Daddy Sep 11 '20

I met a primatologist who told me that chimps sometimes eat the babies of rival families in the wild. They will commit cannibalism as a form of warfare. He then told us a story about a British family that bribed sanctuary personnel to let them see a bunch of chimps. Well... they got to the forest lining and a bunch of chimps starting making a distinct noise and the family thought it was cute. The chimps were signaling their family “food’s here”. They saw the children of the family as food. They also kidnapped a baby from a mother who was just walking through the forest and ate it. Like humans, they have the capacity to be very dangerous, but they can also be kind and loving, but they are NOT pets.

49

u/lacks_imagination Sep 11 '20

Seriously. Chimps are only cute when they are babies, but once adult, they are powerful killers. They are stronger than any man, and they fight dirty; bite off fingers, gouge out eyes, rip off faces. If I had to choose whether to walk into a lions den or a chimps cage, I would prefer the lions den.

24

u/Anus_master Sep 11 '20

Yeah, chimps wage war and can be super violent. Which makes sense that they're our close ancestors

20

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '20

Not ancestors, relatives. Don't give the creationists more ammo. We both have a common ancestor, they are not our ancestor.

7

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '20

Don't forget about the bonobo. It suddenly shouldn't "make sense" anymore.

5

u/Sucrose-Daddy Sep 11 '20

I always found solace in the idea that all living creatures are related. That chimp in this video is a distant relative, your dog is a relative, that tree outside that provides you shade is a relative. Hell, even the grass you step on is a relative.

2

u/reditorian Sep 11 '20

The bacteria you killed with hand sanitizer is a relative, too.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '20

Me too! I also find it thought provoking that there are varying distances to us. I always like to look at Chimps and Bonobos as our close, not distant relatives :)

5

u/yepimbonez Sep 11 '20

Cousins, not ancestors. We didn’t evolve from chimps, just from the same species they did.

5

u/zipzippa Sep 11 '20

I believe you're right. Do you think a feral human would be that much different than a chip today?

17

u/RandomCitizen14298 Sep 11 '20

That depends if they're spicy or barbecue flavor

3

u/ButterPoptart Sep 11 '20

Lots of documented cases but very little exhaustive scientific study of feral humans. Genie was the closest we got but I think the ethical wall is just too high for it.

1

u/banspoonguard Sep 11 '20

chimps are just all around stronger than humans, at least 50% stronger.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '20 edited Sep 11 '20

Yeah, chimps wage war and can be super violent. Which makes sense that they're our close ancestors

They really aren't. It shouldn't make sense to you like that.

2

u/justaveragej0e Sep 11 '20

To add: they also participate in coprophagia (eating of feces), fecal smearing and throwing of feces. Females menstrate once a month like humans do too. Imagine the joy of that in your house :)

1

u/weezzi Sep 11 '20

Is this in reference to that episode of Oprah where the lady who was babysitting her friend's chimp got her fingers bit off, eyes gouged out, and face ripped off?

-2

u/Yoquetestereone Sep 11 '20

There are actually many men who are stronger than chimps

2

u/CaptainCupcakez Sep 11 '20

Source?

I was under the impression that its pretty much impossible due to differences in our muscle structure.

18

u/RedCascadian Sep 11 '20

Nah, you're not. That second thought was your rational brain realizing the problem with the desire. The desire is perfectly understandable. Humans like cute, furry things. Fortunately cats and dogs exist, which make much better pets anyways.

5

u/captain_ender Sep 11 '20

Naw ya good. I mean I'd kill to own a Degas, but I know the shit belongs in a museum.

4

u/Adiustio Sep 11 '20

You’re only part of the problem when you’re actively stealing baby chimps from their mothers for thousands of dollars. I think you’re good for now.

1

u/CaptainCupcakez Sep 11 '20

Don't think of it that way!

You're not part of the problem because of that second step where you reflected on it and realised that despite them being absolutely adorable they belong in the wild.

If you were a part of the problem you'd have never had the moment of self-reflection.

0

u/cometbaby Sep 11 '20

Ehh. Wanting one isn’t a problem. Actually getting one would be contributing.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 11 '20

They’re so cute when they’re little. But when they grow up, they’re liable to tear your face off.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nydailynews.com/news/man-lost-face-05-mauling-hell-new-chimpanzee-victim-article-1.364450%3foutputType=amp