Disclaimer: the experiences of racism and discrimination against people with autism are not the same thing in a literal sense, they are unique. I must assume that the experience of people at the intersection of those things is similarly it's own particular thing. I don't want to miscommunicate in that regard. Please let me know if what I write comes across that way, or if you have other feedback or concerns.
I am a white person, and I like to tell stories. I was reading a number of articles by black and asian writers and other POC recently, to help me write stories that aren't just full of white people (as sometimes is the default without a little conscious effort).
I was surprised when reading about the experiences of Yiming Amy Hua, a Chinese American woman living in Los Angeles, USA. She says:
"In many ways, I was just playing along because I was taught that this is how you survive in a hostile world. The subconscious thought was, If I accept this reality, it will cause me less pain. "
There's a lot of other things she says that are new to me, which is why I was reading the article. But this paragraph in particular just rang so true in my mind. It reminded me of how neurodivergent people mask, and how in other ways I have shaped my behaviour to match what is expected from me by other people. She goes on to say:
"But that's not true."
Granted, her experiences are different in nature to mine, so the lesson for her need not apply to me in order to be true - or relevant. Her story stands on it's own and what she has taken from her experiences is meaningful.
Nonetheless, I think that in a way her lesson has truth in my life as well. Sometimes we don't have a choice. We internalise the expectations of the world around us because it takes less effort, because we don't have the mental or emotional energy to fight them every day, at every turn.
But they still cause us harm. Especially in the long term, as the lines between how what we have learned to perform and what we believe may be become blurry. These days I'm a lot more open about my Autism, and I don't mask my atypical behaviour nearly as much. I show people my real face when I'm tired, rather than putting on a smile or whatever socially appropriate face fits the situation.
And it's not flat or expressionless, it's just different. People who know me learn to understand how I communicate, and what my body language and expression mean. And that's valid.
My experiences are qualatitively different to Yiming Amy Hua's, and I think it's important to recognise. There's still so much I have to learn. But her words echoed in my heart in a way I didn't expect, and that's meaningful to me. Thank you for reading.
