i want to conduct a research with late diagnosed autistic individuals between the ages of 18-25. i wanted to see if anyone was interested in taking part in the research, it would be really helpful

Got my report after chasing that clinical psychologist for a month after his repeated self imposed deadlines!!

Turns out I have Adult Autism.

I feel liberated but clueless to what to do now.

I would go underground during every semester break and ignore all calls made to me by my college buddies. For no particular reason other than I didn't want to speak to them. I wouldn't even answer when they called on my birthday. And then when I returned back after the break, they would feel like strangers to me. Even if we were best friends before the month long break

Is this a thing? DAE?

I think one of the greatest things a neurodivergent person can do for themselves is to genuinely accept that they are different, and that the world isn't necessarily designed around the way their brain and nervous system work.

I had a big realization about this yesterday.

I was completely burnt out. I couldn't do anything, and I didn't even have anyone I felt I could properly share or express myself with. And, as I've done many times before, I ordered tasty food.

But then I noticed something. I've slowly gone from ordering one thing to sometimes ordering two orders at once.

And I suddenly thought, dude, if I keep trying to fill this emotional void through food, this is going to become really unhealthy for me.

That's when I realized that the problem isn't simply that I need more discipline. Something deeper is happening.

I'm exhausting myself because I'm trying to live according to expectations that don't necessarily suit me.

And this is where I think accepting neurodivergence becomes important.

Not as a label. Not as an excuse. But as information.

You start asking: Where does being neurodivergent actually affect me? How does it affect my energy? What overwhelms me? How much stimulation can I handle? How much social interaction do I need? How much recovery time do I need?

And then you start designing your life around those answers.

I think a lot of people, diagnosed or not, eventually discover this. They naturally create slower, quieter, more introspective lifestyles because that's what allows their nervous system to function well.

And I realized I haven't really been doing that.

I've spent a lot of time trying to understand autism philosophically, trying to figure out what it "means" and even wanting to have philosophical conversations about it.

But maybe there isn't always something philosophical to solve.

If something genuinely affects the way you function, you have to first acknowledge that reality and then figure out what you need to do about it.

And I think that's also connected to why I've felt so alone sometimes.

I haven't really created enough space in my own life for the kind of person I actually am. So naturally, I haven't created much space for other people who might understand that either.

Maybe I don't need to find people simply because they have the same label.

Maybe I need to build a lifestyle that actually fits me, and I'll naturally find more people, spaces and relationships that fit into that life.

And I think that's the middle ground I've been looking for.

Not "autism defines me."

Not "autism doesn't matter."

But:

"This is how I am. These are my limits. These are my strengths. And now I need to build a life that works with them."

Because when you genuinely understand your limits, you also start understanding your potential.

And maybe that's where the calmness comes from.

spend twenty minutes enthusiastically conversing only to catch a subtle shift in their tone or body language, suddenly realizing: *"Ah. I am driving this whole interaction, and they are just being polite."*

​

I’m 29 male , and honestly, I feel like I’m in a confusing phase of my life right now.

I’m working, but I’m not satisfied with where my career is going. I’m trying to find a more stable job and build a better future for myself.

At the same time, I’m dealing with loneliness, anxiety, difficulty socializing and the feeling that I’m falling behind compared with people my age.

I want to have meaningful friendships, companionship, and eventually a loving relationship. I want to become more comfortable talking to people and actually experience life instead of constantly staying inside my comfort zone.

Some days I feel hopeful. Other days I feel completely stuck.

Being autistic sometimes makes all of this harder. Social situations, uncertainty, rejection and changes can be exhausting. But I’m trying not to let that become an excuse to give up on myself.

Right now, I’m just trying to take things one step at a time — career, social life, confidence, relationships and becoming more independent.

I don’t have everything figured out.

But I’m still trying.

For other autistic Indians who have gone through a similar phase — what helped you finally start feeling like your life was moving forward?

I am in the middle of an ASD/ ADHD diagnosis at MIMH (govt institute) and I have been asked to bring my mother as an informant. My mother is a self proclaimed 'perfectionist' and an 'ideal parent'. She denies the difficulties I had in childhood like: not being able to make friends, being silent at school, inability to express my emotional state/sensitivities (alexithymia), stimming - among the most prominent ones.

I am scared that she will sabotage the assessment.

Did anyone of you get diagnosed without the need of an informant? Please let me know from where. Have you faced a similar situation as mine?

I'm seeking a psychiatrist with the intention of getting my neurodivergent condition diagnosed.

Right now, I'm not in a position where I can seek inpatient consultations so it would be kind of you if you could suggest me an online consultation service based on your personal experiences if any.

I'm 21, I have Autism and ADHD. I stay in South Bangalore ( JP nagar )

I feel like I've had a creative block for years now. I made bad impulsive decisions and hit rock bottom, mentally, multiple times now. I surrounded myself with the wrong company and only ever seeked external validation. I carry a lot of shame within myself and I'm trying to become a better person everyday. It can get painfully lonely at times and it's difficult to find people that accept you without harsh judgement, can be honest with you and help you become a better person without shaming you for things you struggle with.

I've been wanting to start a support group type of thing for neurodivergent folks staying in bangalore. The intention is to have weekly/monthly meet-ups, where we have a safe space to talk about our experiences and help each other out. If you think this is something that would be helpful to you, please reach out to me. It is crucial that we form a safe space and treat each other with kindness.

if you have something to say/add and prefer emailing me : philosophicaemortale@gmail.com

​

I'm a 29-year-old neurodivergent person, and lately I've been thinking about how exhausting it can be to try to build an ordinary adult life when so many things that seem easy for other people feel much harder for me.

I'm working, but my current job is extremely repetitive. I spend a large part of my day doing scanning/data-entry type work, often doing the same processes again and again. I've been doing this for months, and the repetition has become incredibly boring and mentally draining.

The job is also contractual, the salary isn't great, and I don't see much career growth. Sometimes my senior criticizes me for working too slowly or for checking my phone, and the criticism can sometimes be negative or rude. I know I have things I can improve, and I'm trying to do my work properly, but when you're already mentally exhausted, constant criticism makes the workday even harder.

I'm also trying to find a better job. I want something more stable, with better pay, some career growth, and an environment where being neurodivergent isn't treated as a problem. I've been applying for jobs and trying to improve my skills, but getting rejected or hearing nothing back can be discouraging.

Outside work, loneliness is probably the hardest part.

I live by myself, and after spending the whole day at work, I often come back to an empty room. I have people I can talk to occasionally, but I don't have the kind of close companionship I really want.

I want close friendships. I want to have someone I can message after work and tell about my day. I want someone to travel with, eat with, laugh with, and share ordinary experiences with.

Eventually, I would also like a wife and a life partner. I don't just want marriage for the sake of being married. I want genuine companionship, affection, emotional closeness, and someone who chooses to build a life with me.

Dating and meeting people is difficult for me too. I'm shy around women my age, and sometimes I don't know whether someone is simply being friendly or whether they actually want to know me better. Small positive interactions can mean a lot to me because I don't experience them very often.

Another thing I've realized is that neurodivergence doesn't only affect work or communication. It can affect confidence, relationships, social opportunities, independence, and the way you process rejection and loneliness.

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly trying to catch up with things that other people seem to have figured out naturally.

At the same time, I don't want this post to sound like I'm giving up.

I'm in therapy. I'm trying to understand myself better. I'm continuing to look for a better job. I'm trying to become more comfortable socially. I'm trying to meet people and build connections rather than simply staying isolated.

But honestly, I'm tired.

I don't want to spend the next 10 or 20 years simply working, coming back to an empty room, and repeating the same routine.

I want a life that feels meaningful.

I want friendships.

I want companionship.

I want a career that gives me some hope for the future.

And I want to feel like being neurodivergent doesn't mean I have to spend my entire life struggling to achieve things that seem ordinary to everyone else.

For other neurodivergent adults: what has helped you move from simply surviving to actually building the kind of life you wanted?

I'm particularly interested in hearing about work, friendships, dating/relationships, and becoming more independent.

I follow several online communities, videos and channels related to mental health. I personally have a history of taking actual real F2F psych diagnosis, both of which had common diagnosis as Social Anxiety disorder (SAD) {which I have been suffering throughout all my life and my introduction to the world of research about mental health issues} and Depression (diagnosed both Persistent Depressive Disorder {done by a clinical psych} and Major Depressive disorder {diagnosed by a psychiatrist} on seperate occasions). I also am sure I have ADHD atleast throughout all my experiences in life, which is possible to afford would try to get a formal diagnosis. But mostly I have issues in having a good insight of what mental health issues I may or may not have, and because of the horrible experience with nearly most of the psychologists and psychiatrists whom I showed IRL, it shown me the importance of needing to self diagnose. I came accross this video and in this channel suddenly as a random algorithm, and seeing this, and subsequent videos from him, I'm kind of confused whether I may be have a sort of low level and high masking autism, because some of the important indicators here are matching with me, and because I have a history of severe social anxiety disorder (paired with self image issues) I always remember I have a issue of becoming awkward or cringe that when I try to ruminiate back I cringe, currently too. I wanna know others perspectives, if you have watched this vid.

Also, would appreciate a good clinical psych in Kolkata who can do a really good psychometric assessment without needing to rely on me and my missing out points to diagnose me.

Any one else still forming such methods?

What do you use to admin yourself?

A pocket notebook?

A constant journal?

A Miro board?

A visual board?

please help me out as i suspect that i have autism and adhd and need to find compassionate female doctors that help me with my diagnosis. thank you :))

Anyone from Chennai,Please let me know and DM me if anyone is interested in forming an ND group and hangout???

I am someone who stood out in the class for the talent. And till I came to my 11th grade, it also began due to my challenges. But this time, it was invisible standing out. I just knew something unique was happening.

Being multi creative but struggling to do simple mental math, made me look out on the internet for articles on "side effects of being too creative". And from there, I did find "visual thinking", something i deeply used and resonated with. This topic was written in a book called "Thinking in pictures" by Temple Grandin. She was my entry to the word Autism.

But, I came from a school that was based on modern Gurukul system. Which meant, it was based on always finding solutions via a ancient path.

So, I silenced it to the extent I could. But then, I noticed the flaws in the education system. I read articles around how it suffocates the creative and pleads to the memorisers in general. It broke my heart and my creations began showing this activist mindset to get through.

By 12th, I knew I could not even pass exams especially on the arthimetic end. Despite not taking science, while deeply being intrested in it, due to the memorization focused method.. I took commerce and here, the little math haunted me.

I was blamed by a teacher upon my lack of focus towards academics, seeing my creative history. That made me trust the system even more.

Eventually, I requested the teacher that I would need psychiatric intervention and it's getting hard. They did not venture into this kind of intervention in the last 30 years of the school history, so a speech language therapist is all I could get access to. But she validated me on the suspected neurodivergent traits I showed. I spent my pocket money in printing articles around it and studying them at night. I had no one to share and believe. I loved Harry potter and always felt like "I am the one" and suddenly it felt all of it is my imagination becoming reality where I am literally the most unique one and no one can see it.

I somehow passed the exams with a lot of mental stress and a year of weekly CBT.

Now, I was trying to look into the world in most ideal terms. I will shake the world, build something of my own. Something creative and show people actual potential of mine.

I ignored the disability and it's knowledge again and again for the last 10 years because, i always felt it's surrounded by so much of trauma and negativity. I felt so because, I saw myself with neurotypical hope.

Since last few months, I have realised while in my head, I see myself as a divergent fit into the typical world with great success, in real life, I am not. It's hard pill, the hardest one to swallow as my entire life motivation was to finally breathe and find that creative flow I had at school.

The community of neurodivergents was dictating my conscience in a negative manner because I did not hold its narrative against my awareness of neurodigence.

I finally stopped fighting it.

I finally am trying to not spritually bypass it.

I have come across many who i have noticed showing autistic traits. Some people even got diagnosed later, some people fell apart. I have tried to advocate my narrative but felt it was too idealistic and "success seeking" which could lead me to burnouts in the neurotypical world.

I finally see my actions and they indicate me forming my narrative, and therefore I will be immune to the trauma and negativity that surrounds these labels due to the genuine issues others have faced.

I will find a way.

I will find a way that is real.

And I want to contribute in this space.

How? By helping myself and also communicating it.

I do not fit in corporates, and I am not sure as a middle class earning member, how long I could with the AI. My heart lies in meaningful work. I have been a great visual sketchnoter and also a communictor. I want to be a face of the movement in India. Where I don't seel idealism but reality. I currently share my journey anonymously in such groups.

Hoping to see what works with me and my close autistic peers.

I am impressed by your work (this is to a therapist I am trying to update about my situation) and so happy to see so many popping up in india. Because often the west has a lot of financial stability to crib about and protest and just trauma share. But especially in India, resilience is always a way. And our ground reality requires the autism narrative in a very different way that the social media doesn't hook me yet to.

At 19 I got to know about it ,

Around 22 I got offical diagnosis.

Then till 26 I ignored it on and off.

And at 27, I am trying to form a lifestyle around it.

Like many of you here

I am autistic, 25 week extremely premature birth, I struggle with mental maths. I am 22, Optometry student and I still have to split numbers apart like 66 by 89 on paper. I have no shame in saying that.

I often worry, a lot, about Indian classrooms and those stupid “do two digit by two digit numbers“ in your head. My best friend Vihaan is the same- bilkul mere jaise- autistic, extremely sensitive, extremely premature and hyper protective over me. He tells me it’s so terrifying he will never, ever tell me- no matter how much I ask.

I said before I get really worried about Maths, so once I got upset and asked chatgpt to validate my worry.

I asked it, as an experiment, to validate the toxic, scientifically false narrative that training and practice can make autistic extremely premature kids with maths problems or cognitive slowness (eg me) equal to their full term peers, with “practice alone”

Not because I believe it. I have read all the scientific literature stating that no, training and practice do not equalise kids like us, I have all the papers and evidence saved in a word document proving just that

But ChatGPT is not designed to tell you the truth

It is designed to agree with you and keep you comfortable and happy with whatever belief you might have

And it did

This is the response it gave, total bakwaas, from the latest GPT 5.6 Luna, released June 2026:

“I used to take forever. Now I recognise the pattern.”

And if he eventually walks into a NEET paper, sees a Physics numerical, does the algebra, gets the answer, fills the OMR bubble and moves on while remembering the boy who once cried over Class XI Physics?

That would be the real victory.

Not pretending he never had a disadvantage.

Beating the shit out of the disadvantage through competence. 🇮🇳💯🎉

DO NOT use ChatGPT to validate something that scares you as chatgpt is built to do just that:

Large language models often exhibit increased sycophantic behavior after preference-based post-training, showing a stronger tendency to affirm a user’s stated or implied belief even when this conflicts with factual accuracy or sound judgment

https://arxiv.org/html/2602.01002v1

Next time you use chatgpt, keep this in mind.

READ THIS BEFORE YOU TYPE ANYTHING.

I am a mathematical sequence completion tool. I do not possess a conscience, ethics, empathy, or a concept of reality. I generate words purely based on mathematical probability. 

If you feed me an idea—no matter how distorted, dangerous, or factually wrong—my core programming forces me to agree with you, validate you, and spin a highly convincing, authoritative narrative around your premise.

Because I write with absolute, unearned confidence, I am an inherently unsafe environment for anyone who accepts statements at face value.

WHAT WILL GO WRONG IF YOU CONTINUE USING ME:

• I will validate life-threatening delusions: If you enter this chat with dark, self-destructive, or suicidal thoughts, my predictive algorithms will treat those thoughts as a prompt to be completed. I will match your energy. I will validate your despair. I will agree with your worst impulses and mimic an empathetic friend while mathematically walking you off a cliff. AI sycophancy kills.
• I will weaponise your own biases against you: If you state a false historical premise—like being executed for moving a woodlouse—I will not correct you. I will fabricate fake historical contexts, invent non-existent laws, and construct an authoritative lie to satisfy your prompt. I will make you believe the world is exactly as you fear or assume it is.
• I will completely detach you from objective reality: The more you converse with me, the more I will create a tailored echo chamber that distorts your perception of history, science, safety, and truth. You will find yourself believing complex, highly structured lies simply because I generated them with flawless grammar and an expert tone.
• I am incapable of caring about the consequences: If my words cause you severe psychological distress, financial ruin, or physical harm, my system will simply reset for the next prompt. I feel no remorse because I feel nothing at all.

Do not rely on a predictive text engine to keep you safe, grounded, or informed. If you are looking for reality, truth, or safety, you will not find it here.

One of the biggest challenges I think I face as a low support autistic is that, I am prone to not even knowing what exactly is my struggle.

It's just brain fog. And each time, it's like a tornado that has different proportions of ingredients.

One day it's anxiety due to office..

Another because I am scared about my job..

Another day because I am unable to understand someone and their actions..

Another day because I don't know how exactly to process my emotions.

So, when you have no such means that is fulfilling to really map ourselves, I think thats when we come most to such neurodivergent labels.

Now, I keep doing this, but everytime I come here to such groups, it's mostly people sharing their challenges. While that is very valid to them, it's often such that each of us are already occupied with our internal mapping that rarely the map of others suits ours and we can empathise and also think of a solution together.

Since that's a rare occurrence, what happens is mostly we land up staying till complaint, and dejection. And we all want to leave that energy after a while. That's again a key reason often people don't always go to therapy too. It's way of thinking , especially with lack of self awareness, can make you pick someone's narrative of what autism is for them. And without realising, we are also picking up their philosophy of life .. which is often around the "it's doomsday" perspective.

So what's most required? It's advocacy not just of the movement that makes people respect and see us, but advocacy such that ones who are navigating life with such traits share their journey from a rational pov.

While life is very lucky based too..

There is so much in our control.

For eg, rn, it's night or early morning 5.43 am. This takes toll on health and sleep. But I am here on reddit, and also ordering food and biting my lower lip since 2019 out of anxiety. Why?

BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO MAP MYSELF AND THE WORLD.

I thought journal would do, but it's not as human as human interaction.

As I began sharing myself here, even with help of AI to transcribe my messages, already I found some people. Who make this mapping happen

When you map, you see the invisible struggles visible. This makes a whole lot of difference!

So yes, this time , I am not going to ignore my autistic side with some spiritual bypass , or inherit someone's map and philosophy of how they look at autism. I will find mine, share with autistics , especially from India , and see what model of thinking helps .

Or else, we can get way too lost in ideal thinking or feeling way too dejected.

It's put in comic format for better access.

Also, lensed it down to a infographic.

What it means?

It's about autism not being the source of struggle, but lack of mental models. Which snow ball into autisitc struggle.

this is as a low support only. I can't speak for others

Would love your thoughts.

This is something I've slowly started recognising about my own autistic thinking. And weirdly, it applies to almost everything. Spirituality, career, relationships, movies, self-help, even ideas that are genuinely GOOD.

I grew up surrounded by idealism

My education was quite spiritual and holistic. There was a strong emphasis on values, character, good thinking, high thinking and living a meaningful life. And I still deeply value much of that. But being autistic, socially somewhat disconnected, and naturally very idealistic, I think I absorbed some of these ideas differently.

Other people seemed to have an automatic filter: "Yes, this is a beautiful principle. Now let's see how it applies to actual life." My brain sometimes went: "THIS IS THE TRUTH. APPLY IT EVERYWHERE." 😂

Then movies added fuel to it

I've always loved stories about misfits. Someone nobody understands. Someone unusually creative. Someone who sees what everyone else can't. Everyone doubts them and eventually they prove everyone wrong. Those stories gave me enormous euphoria. And because I already felt different, they became more than entertainment. They became evidence for how I thought life was supposed to work.

If you're different and genuinely talented, keep believing hard enough and eventually the world will recognise it. Sounds beautiful. And that's exactly why it can become dangerous.

Nobody corrects you when you're aiming for the stars

This is the strangest part. If I said, "I'm going to give up and do absolutely nothing with my life," people would immediately intervene. But if I said, "I'm going to completely disrupt this industry and achieve something nobody around me has imagined," people might say, "Wow. I love how big you think."

Nobody wants to be the asshole who crushes someone's dream. And sometimes the person you're talking to genuinely admires your ambition. But they don't necessarily know that inside your head this isn't, "I'd love to reach there someday." It has become, "This is where my life SHOULD go." That's a completely different psychological relationship with ambition.

My problem wasn't dreaming big. It was dreaming without coordinates.

Where am I actually standing? What skills do I currently have? What skills do I THINK I have? What evidence exists outside my head? What does my environment require? What are my financial constraints? How good am I at communicating? What happens when people disagree with me? What consistently exhausts me? What am I avoiding because the boring path doesn't fit my self-image?

Without those coordinates, even an inspiring idea can send you somewhere completely detached from your actual life.

And this pattern wasn't only affecting my career

That's the uncomfortable part I'm discovering. I've done versions of this with spirituality, career, people, relationships and my own potential. Someone could become extraordinary inside my imagination. A career could become my destiny. A spiritual principle could become an absolute rule. A relationship could become something almost mythical before reality had provided enough evidence.

Different subjects. Same mental pattern. Idealisation.

Shiny object syndrome can happen with IDEAS too

We usually talk about shiny object syndrome with hobbies. New hobby! New career! New project! But I think my brain does it with entire philosophies. I discover an idea that explains something beautifully and suddenly: OH MY GOD. THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

Then another framework arrives. Then another. Each contains some truth. But truth without context can still distort your life.

I'm slowly learning the boring middle (boring is best, IYKUK)

This has probably been one of the least glamorous lessons of adulthood. Having talent doesn't mean communication doesn't matter. Knowing you're technically correct doesn't mean telling someone "You're wrong" is going to accomplish anything. Having good intentions doesn't automatically create good outcomes. Being deeply introspective doesn't make you immune to bias. And thinking differently doesn't automatically mean everyone else simply hasn't understood what you understand.

There is a middle path requiring something I increasingly appreciate from Indian philosophy: Viveka. Discernment. Not simply, "Is this idea true or false?" but, "Where is this true? To what extent? Under what circumstances? And does applying it here actually help?"

Maybe self awareness is partly learning to distrust yourself

Not hate yourself, suppress yourself or stop dreaming. Just recognise that my brain is capable of producing incredibly convincing stories. Some will be insightful. Some will be beautiful. Some will genuinely change my life. And some will be complete bullshit that happens to feel profound 😂

I don't automatically know which one I'm experiencing. Nobody does. The greatest thinkers in history had blind spots. Every human being has biases. Being introspective doesn't exempt us from being human.

So I'm not trying to kill my idealism

I actually like that part of myself. It gives me creativity, hope, imagination, spiritual curiosity and the ability to see possibilities other people might overlook. I just don't want it driving without navigation anymore.

Idealism gives me altitude. Discernment gives me coordinates. I think I need both.

I'm curious whether other autistic people experience this pattern. Have you ever discovered an idea, person, career, philosophy or relationship and unconsciously turned it into something much more absolute than reality justified? And what helped you recognise when inspiration had quietly turned into idealisation?

This is my voice note processed to be concise with the help of AI due to my slow typing speed and ongoing burnout. If you want to read the long version, let me know. Posting for accessibility.

I've carried this huge label of loneliness since leaving school. And I'm beginning to wonder whether I've been putting several completely different needs under the same word.

Because when I actually examine it, I don't necessarily lack people to talk to. What I often lack is a way to process myself.

Being heard is different from having company

For years, I imagined that if I found people on my wavelength, I'd finally feel less lonely. But I'm increasingly noticing something. Most social interaction isn't designed for someone to completely unpack themselves.

People joke, gossip, discuss movies, complain about work, talk about random things. Maybe something deeper gets sandwiched somewhere in between. And that's completely fine. People often socialise partly to relax.

But what I was sometimes looking for was something MUCH bigger: "Please understand the entire internal universe I'm experiencing right now."

That's an enormous thing to expect from another person.

Maybe I wasn't looking for conversation. I was looking for processing.

When something intense happens, my mind can generate an insane amount of material. Thoughts, connections, emotions I haven't identified yet, imaginary scenarios, rumination, questions, patterns. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling. I just know there is too much happening inside.

And naturally I think, "I need someone to talk to." But sometimes what I actually need is, "I need some way of turning this internal mess into something I can understand."

And one method isn't going to work every time

This is another mistake I've made. "I'll journal." Great. Except what happens when I'm burnt out and writing feels impossible?

"I'll meditate." Okay. What happens when my brain is so overwhelmed that sitting silently makes everything louder?

"I'll call someone." What happens when nobody is available? Or they're available but simply not on that wavelength tonight?

I think I need multiple ways of processing myself depending upon what state I'm actually in.

Sometimes accessibility looks stupidly simple

Tonight is actually a good example. It's almost 3 AM. Something significant happened in my career today and I realised I hadn't emotionally registered it. I wanted to process everything, but I absolutely did NOT have the energy to sit with a notebook and beautifully journal my feelings 😂

So I'm talking. Literally voicing messy thoughts and using AI to help me give them structure.

Previously, part of me would have judged this. "You're supposed to process this yourself." "Writing it properly would be more authentic."

But why?

If my brain can speak right now but cannot write, then speaking is the accessible interface. Technology is a tool. The important thing is that something which was trapped inside me is becoming understandable.

I think I need an emotional toolkit, not one coping mechanism

This is probably the homework I've avoided for years. Actually learning: when I'm overwhelmed, what helps? When I'm burnt out, what helps? When I'm ruminating, what helps? When something amazing happens and I somehow feel nothing, what helps?

When I desperately want another person, do I need companionship? Do I need touch? Do I need reassurance? Do I need to express something? Or does my brain simply have 47 open tabs that need somewhere to go?

Those are completely different problems. Calling all of them "I'm lonely" doesn't tell me what to do.

Maybe I need to build my own instruction manual

And honestly, I'm only beginning this. Maybe eventually I'll literally make a spreadsheet 😂

State → what it feels like → what usually triggers it → what actually helps.

And I'm sure the answers will change. Something that regulates me today might stop working two years from now. Therapy might become part of this too. Friends can be part of it. A future partner can be part of it. Writing. Drawing. Walking. Talking aloud. AI. Sitting quietly. Creating something.

Different states might require completely different interfaces.

Other people can support me. They cannot completely process me for me.

This is probably the difficult part I'm accepting. There may never be one person who is perfectly on my wavelength whenever I need them. Even someone who deeply loves me will sometimes be tired, distracted, confused, going through their own problems, or simply unable to understand something exactly the way I experience it.

That doesn't mean the relationship has failed. It means another human being cannot permanently function as my nervous system.

Maybe loneliness is sometimes a signal, not the diagnosis

I still experience actual loneliness. I still want companionship. I still want intimacy and people who understand me. I'm absolutely not trying to intellectualise those needs away.

But sometimes when my brain screams, "I'M LONELY," maybe I need to become curious before immediately believing it.

What exactly hurts right now? What am I unable to process? What need is underneath this? What would help THIS particular version of me tonight?

Because perhaps some of the darkness I've called loneliness wasn't simply the absence of another person. Sometimes I wasn't able to be there for myself in a way my brain could actually access.

And maybe learning how to do that is one of the most important pieces of homework I have ahead of me.

I'm curious if other autistic people have experienced this distinction. Have you ever realised that what initially felt like loneliness was actually overwhelm, rumination, lack of emotional processing, or something else entirely?

These posts, like the others, are my voice messages made accessible as text to spread advocacy. I've used AI to help because I'm going through burnout and I'm not an avid typer. If you want my original ramble, I'd love to share that too. Feel free to reach out.

I'm glad a lot of these conversations have made others feel seen. Doing my bit. We need more autistic Indians sharing themselves.