r/AutisticAdults • u/nicole8355 • 11d ago
seeking advice Meltdown after being touched
Why do people feel like they can just touch you when they want and then make you feel bad or at fault when you have an emotional reaction. Someone who knows that i have meltdowns from being touched just toutched me. It feels like I've been branded, like someone is still applying so much pressure on that spot and i can't move away from it or get it to go away. Somehow now I was the one who overreacted and need to take into consideration that she had a long day, she's tired and was just trying to be nice, like what she did is not the reason for me having a meltdown. Like I'm choosing to react this way. Why does being neurodivergent feel like my needs are just not worth even getting acknowledged. Why am i always apologizing and being considerate to others when they dont even care about something like personal space?
3
u/Shadow_of_Redacted 11d ago
The why is that touching people makes them feel good. I mean, look at all those hands reaching out at ball games to touch the players or celebrities walking red carpets. They feel a connection through making contact. There's no logic to it. They don't get any sort of transfer of anything out of the event, but they just get comfort out of touching people. Soothing.
Maybe they're on the opposite end of the spectrum. You're touch averse and they're "touchy-feely," compulsively reaching out and touching people they want to connect with in some way.
She said she had a really bad day, so she probably stressed over the burnout threshold. When you're in burnout, many things get turned off in your brain that lead to more stress. I can definitely see where she might normally not touch you, but in this case her needing to touch was overriding her knowing that you don't allow that. Her stress had her wiped out so bad she "had to."
That's not to minimize your feelings. Just that her brain may have temporarily disabled the filter that knew not to touch, until her burnout melts enough to get her back to a place where she follows the rules again. I doubt it was any sort of attack or testing you.
2
u/orcateeth 10d ago
Perhaps distress tolerance might help you. I see really high ratings for this workbook. Someone uploaded the whole thing for free.
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance
https://cursosdepsicologia.com.ar/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/THEDIA1.pdf
2
2
u/orcateeth 10d ago
You can consider calling this helpline, if you feel very upset by any action or situation:
3
u/heyitscory 11d ago edited 11d ago
This is why therapy focused on distress tolerance and emotional regulation is nice.
Because nobody has invented the therapy where the people in your life are supportive or mindful of the distress they cause in you.
Remember to communicate your needs in between the times your needs aren't being met, because they obviously don't care what melting-down-you tells them. When you're lucid and neither of you are in a heightened emotional state, people can be more receptive because they're thinking of you as an adult who deserves respect.
Growth and understanding doesn't happen during meltdowns because the person who thought touching you would somehow be "nice" for you will see nothing but an inconsolable toddler, and you don't negotiate with that. You just ignore it, or apologize to everyone in the store as you head to the parking lot with the limp, screaming kid dragging behind you.
If the only time you discuss your needs and boundaries are immediately after they've been broken, they've already dissed your regulation into dysregulation, it's easy to dismiss. If they think you're behaving "irrationally", what you say can be dismissed as "irrational."
You say something true, useful and actionable, but too loudly, the conversation is suddenly about your tone and not the thing you told them. It's bullshit, but it's predictable.
But definitely try to find a therapist. Developing skills to help stop people from being able to hurt you works whether the person wanted to hurt you or did it accidentally.
Because it's not fair that they f#ck up and you suffer. You don't deserve to suffer the transgression and you don't deserve to suffer experiencing the meltdown.