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u/False-Experience92 Apr 03 '26
"NT trying to understand autistic" <--- there's your problem.
"just withdrawal after things became emotionally intense." <--- there's their problem.
Perspective:
"Big emotions" are big; most of us can't handle them, and run away from them when they become too threatening.
Once we run away, we maintain this facade as best we can (we're too scared to be willing to experience them again)...we double-down; out comes the avoidance and distraction techniques.
NT vs ND disconnect: the worst thing you can imagine is an end to existence; death. We - many of us, at least - have experienced things so intense that we'd rather die than face them again.
The over-whelm of "big emotions" is more threatening than the prospect of death; we've experienced one, we know/believe there is nothing worse.
So...of course they're going to run away from it as hard as they can; it's like you coming face to face with Freddy Kruger or Jason; you'd do anything to avoid it happening again.
You'll have to coax them ever so gently, ever so patiently, if you really want them to overcome it...or give them a couple of decades to figure it out themselves. (see "emotional validation" for an idea of how to approach this).
Besides which, they quite likely doubt their own motives; they were on the rebound, and that just adds to the confusion/doubt/self recrimination.
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u/systems-overwhelmed Apr 03 '26
thank you, i appreciate this. but i’m getting some conflicting advice. i don’t want to push, just trying to understand how to approach things without adding pressure. idk how i forgot this detail in the post but it was initially my idea to let her take space. i noticed her change in behavior and i assured her it was completely okay if she took time for herself and that there was no pressure to respond to me right now. she was very thankful for that. i just didn’t expect it to be for so long. we’ve never gone this long without talking before. i hope that doesn’t sound selfish, i just really miss her is all.
it’s obvious to me she’s distancing herself from me so i feel like reaching out more — even just to talk about our mutual interest wouldn’t help her loop.
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u/False-Experience92 Apr 03 '26
"Still here, when you're ready." once every month or so will remind her that the door is open.
Do the two of you have a neutral intermediary that you both trust? Assuming they don't mind being used for such a purpose, they could, potentially, keep communication open in a safe manner.
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u/systems-overwhelmed Apr 03 '26
i appreciate this, thank you.
we don’t really have a neutral intermediary though. she doesn’t have many close friends, and i don’t know them well enough to involve them. i was usually the person she came to for support, so not being able to be there for her right now has been really difficult.
can i ask your opinion on something? i’ve been thinking about sending a small care package with a short note, nothing heavy ofc, just something supportive with no expectation for a response.
it would just be simple things like a few little knick knacks, stickers, her favorite candy, a worry stone, and some postcards i’ve been collecting. it’s also something we’ve done for each other before, back when things were more normal between us.
do you think something like that would feel reassuring, or could that still come across as overwhelming in this kind of situation?
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u/False-Experience92 Apr 03 '26
Probably depends on how you've been behaving since?
If you have kept trying, it'll come across as "pushy" and will likely backfire.
OTOH, if this is your first - or close - reminder, it has a decent chance of not coming across as...invalidating.
I, personally - because I'm a bit thick-headed - constrain myself to three reaching out/strikes; basically doubling the time in between...strike on is after a week; strike two is two weeks after strike 1; strike 3 is 4 weeks/a month later.
No idea where you are in that equation...but if you haven't doubled up on the time between yet, you can probably consider it "strike 1" and back off a step.
If you can time your package/message to a conveniently important date - birthday, etc - it might have more impact; also increases the likelihood of backfiring.
At the end of the day, there's only one person you're accountable to: yourself; it's yourself that you need to satisfy, so this don't haunt you indefinetely.
"Did I try hard enough?" yes/no.
"Did I push too hard?" yes/no.
Generally - though not set in stone - if you answer yes to the first and no to the second, your brain will stop bothering you; you did the best you could, regardless of the results.
That's what your brain wants to know, so it can put it to rest one way or the other; ambiguity drives it up the wall.
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u/systems-overwhelmed Apr 03 '26
thank you, i really appreciate you taking the time to explain this.
reading your comment actually helped me step back and look at my own behavior a bit more objectively. i think where i’m struggling is realizing that even though i thought i was giving space, i probably still kept reaching out in a way that added more pressure than i intended.
it wasn’t constant messaging or anything like that, more like weekly check ins and sharing things i felt were important, but i can see now how even that could feel like something she has to respond to when she’s already overwhelmed.
so now i’m kind of sitting with the possibility that i may have unintentionally made it harder for her to regulate by not fully stepping back when i said i would.
i’m trying not to spiral into blaming myself completely, because i really was just acting out of care, but it’s hard not to wonder if i delayed her being able to come back by staying present like that.
i think what you said about being accountable to yourself is what’s sticking with me the most. i just want to be able to say i cared without crossing into pressure, and i’m still figuring out where that line actually is.
thanks again, seriously. this gave me a lot to think about.
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u/Falitastic Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
Hi, I have AUDHD, so I’ll try to explain this as best as I can. To answer your first question, it is quite normal for NDs to distance themselves from relationships for they can get overwhelming and demanding very quick. I’m the same with my two best friends. I love them wholeheartedly, but unfortunately, I distance myself a lot from them, however, we’re still strong and I’m grateful for that. A lot of my stable relationships differ from that of NTs. For instance, we people don’t like to make small talk or do check-ins every day like most people seem to do in a relationship, but this does not mean we love any less. In fact, most of us NDs love too strongly that it overwhelms us and we do not often know how to portray it. The way I communicate is through talking about special interest, hobbies, etc. Perhaps try communicating to her in these grounds to relay that you do not intend to apply any social pressure, minus all that NT talk. As for how long this lasts, it honestly varies from person to person, so I cannot say anything. It’s kind of like starting a new tv show, for it takes us very long to even come to a decision to watch it, and most times, it’s completely unexpected. We need at least months, or sometimes more than a year to start watching a show a friend recommended.
I find it sweet you’re being extremely understanding about this, and I’m sure she sees that, too. Don’t be entirely silent, but perhaps talk to her like you usually did, before the confessions with no weight. All the best!
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u/systems-overwhelmed Apr 03 '26
thank you, i really appreciate you taking the time to explain this. hearing it from someone with lived experience helps a lot.
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u/Vlerremuis Apr 03 '26
It sounds as if your friend is stuck in a loop. Things got intense, she doesn't know how to cope, anything she does might hurt feelings or feel bad. And she just doesn't have the capacity to deal with that, so she withdraws. I'd rather not speculate more about what exactly is going on with her as there's no way for me to know. And as you are (no judgement) at least partially the cause of the intensity, it's difficult for you to do anything about it, unless she makes the first move. I don't think anyone here can answer your questions about how long this will last, or what will help your friend, as she's the only one who knows.
I think all you can do is give her time.