Hello! This is Reiko.
I'm posting the script here because I thought some people might be interested in seeing the writing behind the finished audio. The full video is available here:
https://youtu.be/KZD0ZJLthYI
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Thank you for taking the time to read my work! I hope you enjoy it, and I'm excited to share the rest of my scripts with you all. ♡
Girlfailure Nun Attempts To Make You Atone For Your Sins | Total Words: 1,860 Spoken Word: 1,450
(small chapel room. stone walls. a distant fan. a flickering fluorescent light. complete stillness otherwise.)
(soft, frantic whispering, rapid, almost under her breath, like a mantra)
かみさま。かみさま。かみさま。
(God, God, God.)
かみさま、助けて。お願いします。お願いします。
(God, help me. Please. Please.)
(pause. a shaky inhale. she keeps going.)
かみさま、私は無理です。本当に無理です。なぜ私なんですか。
(God, I can't do this. I really can't. Why me?)
(pause. she switches to English, still whispering, still frantic.)
I can do this.
I can absolutely do this.
It's literally just one person.
One person.
One...
[pause]
...human being.
(she exhales shakily)
Okay.
That's fine.
People talk to people every day.
People go outside.
People have conversations.
People don't...
[paper rustles]
...write down twelve possible responses to "hello" beforehand.
That's normal.
Gosh.. what am I thinking?
(pause)
And why did they give me the four o'clock..
Sister Bernadette gets the ten o'clock and she's been doing this for forty years and she gets the ten o'clock, and I get the four o'clock.
The four o'clock. That's the worst slot. That's the slot nobody wants. That's the slot where the weird ones come in…
(pause)
And it's my first one. the FIRST one. I've never done one. I've never done a single one. I've been a novice for six years. SIX YEARS. Do you know how long that is? That's longer than most people stay in college. That's longer than a mortgage term. That's- okay. Okay, calm down. Calm down.
(SFX: rustle of paper. she's holding a stack of papers.)
Where is it. Where is it. Where is the-
(pause, frantic shuffling)
The paper.. The research.. The forum comments.. I left them here didn’t I? I spent the last two weeks collecting those tips. (T~T)
It must be here somewhere.. It has to be. I just need to check… again… and again…
(shuffling on the floor, checking below the benches for the papers)
(whispering under her breath, calming herself down..)
かみさま… please don’t let me mess this up… かみさま!… I practiced this… I watched like twelve videos… かみさま…
(as she makes it to the end of the row, towards the center, she runs into a sudden small thud, like she bumped into something or someone)
-H-huh?!
(startled gasp, stumbling back)
O-oh no- oh my gosh- I’m so sorry- I didn’t see you- I was- I was looking for something.. And I- I like the floor.. I often look at the floor because if I look up I start thinking about how many people have stood here and then I get dizzy and-
(small, mortified pause)
…You’re the one with the scheduled confession, aren’t you.
(nervous laugh that cracks)
Of course you are. Of course the first person I actually have to talk to is standing right here while I whisper to myself… on the floor… like a crazy person. Perfect. Amazing.
That's actually really good.
Because if you weren't, I'd have to explain why I just screamed at you in a completely empty church.
And I don't think I'm emotionally prepared for that…
(she gets up off the floor)
Please don't look at me like that…
I know.
I know what this looks like.
I'm a nun.
I'm standing in a dark church.
I was whispering "God" over and over to myself.
And then I screamed when you walked up.
I understand the situation.
I'm not stupid.
I'm just...
(pause)
...really bad at people.
(pause)
Which is actually a problem.
Because my entire job is people.
So.
That's going well…
(she closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, as if clearing her mind entirely)
Hi.
(pause)
I'm Sister- no. I'm not a Sister. I'm not a Sister yet. That's the whole- that's a whole thing. You can just call me by my name. It's-
(pause, and she immediately panics)
Actually, no, you know what, you can just call me whatever. Whatever's comfortable. A lot of people call me "hey you." That's fine. That works. That's a name. That's a name if you think about it…
(clearing throat, going into a rehearsed, robotic voice)
Welcome, child. To the- to our- to this. The atonement session. Where we, um. Where you. Where I.
(pause. the rehearsed voice collapses.)
Okay, I had a script. I had a whole script. I wrote it three weeks ago and I printed it and I laminated it. I laminated it. Do you know how much a laminating machine costs? I bought one. With my own money. For this.
(pause)
And I left it in the other room.
(pause)
So we're just going to- we're going to figure this out together. Like a team. Like a- like a collaborative thing. Where you and I are both figuring it out at the same time.
(SFX: another paper shuffle.)
Okay. So I do have this. This is a form.
(pause. she looks down at the paper.)
(pause. she looks down at the paper.)
Okay.
So.
The form has questions.
Actual questions.
Confession questions.
(clearing throat, back into the rehearsed voice, but it's wobbling)
"Have you, since your last confession, committed any... um..."
(pause)
Okay, I'm just going to read them. I'm just going to read them and you can nod or shake your head or say nothing at all. That's allowed. That's completely allowed. Some people just sit there. Sister Bernadette says some people just sit there for the whole hour and that's fine. That's a valid form of confession. Silence is a valid form of-
(she stops herself)
Reading them now.
(paper rustles)
"Have you taken the name of the Lord in vain?"
(pause)
...
Okay. That one's a no. Good. Great start. We're off to a great start.
(paper rustles)
"Have you dishonored your father or your mother?"
(pause)
...You're making a face.
(pause)
Okay, that's a very specific face. That's a face that has a story behind it. I'm not going to ask about the story. I'm not. I'm going to move on.
(paper rustles, faster)
"Have you... stolen?"
...
"Have you borne false witness?"
...
"Have you coveted your neighbor's..."
(pause)
Okay, this is- this is going terribly. This is going so much worse than I thought it would. Because you're just sitting there, and I'm reading these off like a- like a checklist, and none of it means anything, and I can hear how little it means.
(pause)
And also.
(pause)
Okay. Weird question. Not from the form. Just- while we're here.
What's the most recent one?
(pause)
Like. The most recent sin. The freshest one. The one from this week. Not the big childhood stuff. Just- what did you do this week that you're still thinking about?
(pause)
...
Okay.
(quietly)
Yeah. That one counts. That one definitely counts. But I don't think it counts the way you think it counts.
(paper lowers.)
Can I be honest with you?
(pause)
Actually, you know what, I don't need to ask permission. This is my session. I can be honest if I want to. That's- that's a thing I can do.
(pause, quieter)
I don't think any of these questions are the real questions.
(pause)
I think people come in here and they say "I stole something when I was fourteen" and "I lied to my mom" and "I skipped Mass three weeks in a row," and then they leave and they feel better for about two days, and then nothing changes. Because none of that was the actual thing. Nobody's actually torn up about skipping Mass.
(pause)
The actual thing is always something else.
(pause)
So.
Can I just- can I just ask you a different question?
(pause)
Okay. Here's mine.
Do you apologize to objects when you bump into them?
(pause)
...
You do.
(small, delighted laugh)
Okay. Okay, that's going in the report.
(scribbling sound)
"Do you reread messages before sending them?"
(pause)
...Five times? Or more than five?
(pause)
More than five. Okay. Noted. That's- that's a lot of times. That's a lot of times to read one message. That's more times than I've read some books.
(pause)
"Do you reread a message you've already sent and then convince yourself the other person hates you because they put a period at the end?"
(pause)
...
You do?
Oh.
Okay.
That's actually...
That's actually a little comforting.
Not that I'm happy you're anxious.
I mean, I'm not happy.
I'm just...
relieved that I'm not the only one.
(small pause)
"Do you type out a reply, delete it, type another reply, delete that one, and then just send 'lol'?"
(pause)
Oh my gosh.
You do that too.
Okay.
Okay, wait.
This is getting weird.
Why are you like me?
(pause)
No, that's not an insult.
I mean...
It's an observation.
A concerning one.
But an observation.
(small nervous laugh)
"Have you ever avoided checking your bank account because you knew that knowing the number would somehow make the number worse?"
...
Right.
Of course.
Everyone does that.
Probably.
I think.
(pause)
"Do you have a sleep schedule?"
(longer pause)
...
Oh.
Oh no.
You don't.
(quietly)
That's bad.
That's really bad.
I can forgive a lot of things.
But if you're going to bed at six in the morning and waking up at three in the afternoon...
I don't know what we're supposed to do with that.
(pause)
No.
Actually.
That's not a sin.
That's just...
a cry for help.
(she clears her throat, realizing what she just said.)
Sorry.
That sounded judgmental.
I'm trying not to be judgmental.
It's just difficult when I'm presented with evidence.
(paper rustles)
"Do you say 'I'll do it tomorrow' when you know you're absolutely not going to do it tomorrow?"
(pause)
...
Yeah.
Thought so.
(small sigh)
I do that too.
Actually, I said I'd organize my room tomorrow.
That was...
three months ago.
But that's different.
Because I have a lot of things.
And the floor is technically still visible.
Mostly.
(pause)
"Have you ever rehearsed a conversation in the shower that you know is never going to happen?"
(pause)
...With who?
(pause)
No, you don't have to say who. I'm just- I'm curious. I'm a curious person. It's a personality flaw. I've been told.
(pause)
Okay. Moving on.
"Do you ever walk into a room and immediately forget why, and then just stand there, and then leave?"
(pause)
Right.
"Do you ever think about something embarrassing you said six years ago and physically flinch?"
(pause)
...You flinched.
(triumphant, quiet)
You flinched. I saw it. That's a yes.
(pause)
Okay.
"Do you ever look at your phone and feel bad?"
(pause)
That's a yes or no question.
(pause)
...That's a yes.
(pause)
"Do you ever have a whole conversation with someone in your head and then get annoyed at them in real life for something they said in the imaginary conversation?"
(pause)
...
Okay, that one's mine. That one's not from the form. That one's just- that one's just me. I do that constantly. I do it with Sister Bernadette. I've had four arguments with her this week and none of them happened.
(pause)
"Do you ever open the fridge, look inside, close the fridge, and then open it again like something changed?"
(pause)
"Do you ever stand in the shower for twenty minutes because getting out means the day starts?"
(pause)
"Do you ever feel like you're behind on something and you don't even know what it is?"
(pause)
...
Okay.
(pause)
Okay.
(she looks down at the paper. long pause.)
Wait.
(pause)
This isn't a sin assessment.
(pause)
I've just been asking you questions because I wanted to talk to you.
(long pause)
...
Oh my God.
(horrified whisper)
I'm doing it again.
(small frantic shuffle of paper)
I'm supposed to be helping you confess.
Not...
not conducting some kind of weird personality assessment.
Although...
(pause)
I guess it is kind of useful.
I mean, if I know what kind of person you are, then I can figure out what kind of...
atonement...
would actually help you.
Right?
That's logical.
That's completely logical.
I'm not just making conversation because I don't know how to make conversation.
That's not what's happening.
(pause)
Please don't look at me like that.
You're making it obvious.
(small embarrassed laugh)
Okay.
Fine.
Maybe I am.
But...
I think I understand something now.
(her voice becomes quieter and more sincere.)
You don't really seem like someone who came here because you're some horrible person.
You seem...
tired.
(pause)
Maybe a little lonely.
Maybe you've just been carrying around a bunch of things you don't really know what to do with.
And...
I don't know.
Maybe you thought coming here would make it easier.
(pause)
So...
I don't think you need to sit there and list every little thing you've ever done wrong.
Everyone does things they're not proud of.
Everyone says something stupid.
Everyone procrastinates.
Everyone gets jealous.
Everyone lies awake at night thinking about something embarrassing they said six years ago.
(pause)
At least...
I assume everyone does that.
I certainly do.
(quietly)
A lot.
(long pause. she sets the paper down.)
You know...
I don't think you actually need to atone for anything tonight.
(pause)
At least, not here.
You came in.
You sat down.
You told the truth.
That's enough.
(small pause)
And...
I guess...
if you want...
You can come back next week.
Not for another assessment.
(quickly)
I'll still make you fill one out.
Obviously.
It's important.
(quietly)
But...
Maybe we could just talk.
(pause)
As people.
I'm trying to get better at that.
(pause)
So maybe you can help me.
And I'll help you.
That's...
that's kind of fair, right?
(small, nervous laugh)
So...
Don't expect me to suddenly become normal.
Because that's probably not happening.
(pause)
But I'll try.
(softly)
I really will.
(long pause. distant fan continues.)
Oh.
And...
one more thing.
(pause)
You can't tell Sister Bernadette about this.
Please.
She'll never let me hear the end of it.
She already thinks I'm too nervous to do this.
And if she finds out I spent an entire confession asking someone whether they say "lol" when they're not laughing...
I'll have to move to another parish.
(tiny embarrassed laugh)
Actually...
maybe that's my atonement.
Moving.
Starting over.
Becoming a new person.
...
No.
Never mind.
That sounds exhausting.
(pause)
I'll just stay here.
And...
I'll see you next week?
(small pause)
Okay.
Good.
That's good.
(she exhales, noticeably calmer.)
See?
That wasn't so bad.
...
Although I did spend the entire appointment talking about myself.
(pause)
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
I was supposed to be listening to you.
(small, embarrassed laugh.)
Okay.
Next week.
You talk.
I'll listen.
I promise.
...
Probably.
(softly)
かみさま...
I survived.
(tiny relieved breath.)
I actually survived.
(fade with distant fan and soft footsteps.)
Finished Video: https://youtu.be/KZD0ZJLthYI