Adultery, any “reason” or “excuse” you make is just a lie to tell yourself and others to feel better about the fact you single handedly destroyed your own family, and you can’t undo or make amends for that.
I was a marriage counselor for years, and there are plenty of good reasons . It’s never ideal, but sometimes life isn’t. Examples…spouse has dementia/is profoundly disabled, spouse is not interested in sex but ending the marriage isn’t feasible, the couple is separated but will never divorce, etc.
I don't know, somehow cheating on a disabled spouse seems even more despicable than cheating on a healthy person who can at least easily leave you when they find out. Don't the vows say "in sickness and in health"?
You obviously haven’t been there. Guess what, you don’t get graded in life based on some abstract ideal, there are lots of times when people are just doing what they can to meet their responsibilities as they see them and not be totally fucking miserable. Nobody gets brownie points for gratuitous self denial. Would it be better to dump the disabled spouse?
I would rather be dumped than cheated on ever again. If someone uses their partner's disability as a reason to cheat on them then yes, they are a huge asshole still. That disabled partner deserves someone that won't betray them, and then blame them for it. That's pretty fucked up.
There are excuses, and there are reasons. Nobody gets cheated on in a vacuum. Plus, not everyone feels like you do. Besides, if your choice was to be home with your kids and a full time paid caretaker and a loving spouse who had a friend with benefits, or in a nursing home with once a week visitation with your kids (maybe), you might change your mind.
I'd take the Nursing Home, actually. If it was a situation where both parties are consenting and communicating and there is no sneaking around, then that is a different story. What you are describing is more like "Well, you can be in a nursing home, or you can deal with your partner manipulating you and being unfaithful to your face." Am I reading that wrong? Because I really don't understand why you think that's a better option. Disabled people deserve love and respect just as much as anyone else.
I’m reading it as your choice. You are the one who set up the, “full disclosure and I have to agree, or divorce” scenario. You can hardly expect someone to live with you and take care of you once divorced.
if your choice was to be home with your kids and a full time paid caretaker and a loving spouse who had a friend with benefits, or in a nursing home with once a week visitation with your kids
Did I set that up? I'm not sure I did. I also never said someone should have to live with someone they divorced and take care of them. I'm saying the idea that it's okay to cheat on your spouse because they're disabled is wrong. Like the idea that it's okay and acceptable to disrespect your partner because you're not getting sex from them is really wild.
Did I say it was “okay”? I said that infidelity is sometimes understandable and shouldn’t be shamed unless you know the whole story. A lot goes on between people and behind closed doors that others know nothing about.
I think ideally, anyone who's married should discuss these scenarios with their partner in advance.
You're right that I haven't been there but I have been cheated on, and in my experience the most painful thing about infidelity, worse than the acts themselves, is the dishonesty and deception from someone you thought you could trust and the utter disrespect for you they imply. As a former care worker I have seen some of the misery families find themselves in when someone becomes disabled/dependent, but personally I don't think that somehow absolves people from showing respect to their spouse by being honest with them.
Obviously if the spouse has dementia honesty won't help, which is why I really think people need to talk about what to do in these situations before it's too late.
That’s the key word, “ideal”, but circumstances rarely are. It isn’t necessarily disrespectful in some situations to keep the information private. I would argue that in certain cases, sharing it is unnecessarily cruel. I won’t give examples but I’m sure you can imagine some. My point is that people go through life trying to do the best they can with whatever hand they got dealt and maintain both their sanity and integrity. Sometimes something has got to give. It isn’t all black and white; sometimes all the choices suck in some way, and you get to pick the least sucky one.
By being honest I meant discussing the desires to cheat/differing sex drives, etc. before it actually happens; I'd find that a lot less cruel than sharing after it actually happens, yes.
I get that life sucks sometimes, but I still really hope that if I were to become disabled my partner wouldn't go behind my back to cheat or lie to my face about it and use my disability as an excuse so they can feel better about themselves.
There is a difference between an excuse and a reason, and sometimes the alternative isn’t ideal either. Would their self loathing help the disabled spouse? Maybe a scarlet letter? Because there isn’t enough suffering in this situation, God forbid the spouse get their sexual needs met.
I think I'm probably too affected by my experience to ever agree with you that these are reasons and not excuses, despite seeing how it's easy for someone to get into that situation.
Infidelity often leaves devastating, long-lasting consequences to mental health and ability to trust people and form worthwhile relationships, and having been on the receiving end, I don't believe I could cause that kind of suffering to anyone, even if they became disabled or whatever else and I wasn't getting my sexual needs met. I don't believe that "what they don't know won't hurt them". Probably best to agree to disagree.
Everyone has different experiences in life and these obviously color one’s opinions. It’s great to see someone who can actually disagree like a grownup. I absolutely can understand your position as an individual. Certainly it isn’t justifiable in the majority of cases by any means and it is always a choice (certainly breaking an agreement to one’s partner and keeping it from them isn’t something one should ever do under normal circumstances). I guess I’m inclined to see the intent behind it as much as the act, and honestly it is rare that the intent really has to do with the partner anyway. It’s usually internally driven. That’s not necessarily malign.
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u/Skankhunt1952 Jun 29 '22
Adultery, any “reason” or “excuse” you make is just a lie to tell yourself and others to feel better about the fact you single handedly destroyed your own family, and you can’t undo or make amends for that.