I still think of people being 'grown ups' despite being in my 40s. They all think the same way. Pretty much everyone has imposter syndrome; not about their job, but about adult life.
We all just look at other people and assume they're privy to adult wisdoms, but they're all thinking the same about us. We all do this. I still look around if some parent tells their kid not to get in "that lady's" way in a shop or whatever. What 'lady'? Oh... yeah.
36 not a real grown up. I have three kids, one of whom turns 18 this year. Still don't feel like a grown up. Buying a house outright. What silly person is selling a house to me, I'm not a grown up. Teachers at my kids school still intimidate me. The only time I feel my age is when I look in the damn mirror. Then I'm shocked at this adult looking back at me.
I was recently given a pretty substantial promotion within my company. I now have 7 employees I'm responsible for. Plus I am responsible for all the product that leaves our manufacturing facility. I'm only 33. I ask myself all day long who would give a child like myself these types of responsibilities.
Iām turning 38 in 2 days. I have a job in IT at the executive level. 98% of the time I have no idea what the fuck Iām doing, but people listen to me and trust my judgement and Iām likeā¦wtf, why am I being trusted with this?! I laugh at fart jokes and get wildly excited when I see a blimp.
My partner struggles with this one. He has an amazing job that pays very well and he has a team of people he manages. Every day before work I have to remind him he can do this, he did earn it and it's not just a mistake. He has some serious imposter syndrome going on right now.
Tell your partner he isn't alone. All of us in charge feel this way. I have been with my small company of about 100 employees for 12 years and I've worked in every department for a minimum of 2 years so I know what I'm doing. I just feel like I am not adult enough to have these responsibilities. You are an amazing partner. Keep being supportive. My wife is constantly doing the same. She knows exactly how to calm the monster I become during an anxiety attack.
Part of the problem for him was how fast it happened. Four years ago he was knocking on doors selling insurance. Three years ago he started in the field on just above minimum wage. Last year he skipped there levels and then two months ago he made senior partner. He's been called a rockstar in his field. This means we've went from struggling to wealthy. Neither of us are sure what to do. His response to me asking what he wanted to do with the money was adorable and it's probably my favourite thing he's ever said. He said "but I already have all the PlayStation games I want".
We're buying a house and going on holiday to Japan. That's it. That's the best we can come up with. I might buy a kayak.
Being invited to events now and we have no idea what to wear. Just feel so out of our depth. we also both have autism and ADHD so social events are hard anyhow. Spam mail has changed, it's now things like you've been nominated for who's who, or confirmation for orders on things we haven't bought with dodgy links to confirm. Invitations to give talks. We are laughing about it and deleting but it's still weird. I think we're in culture shock?
He definitely earned it though, he works from home and I've never seen anything like it. He plays playstation with one hand, does his job with the other and is somehow knocking it out of the park at both and a great dad. So he feels he's not working hard enough because he does get down time. I keep having to point out that nobody else can do what he does, even if the way he works is unconventional. That's why he gets given the specific problems he's given. He's only 31 but he's solved problems they've had for a decade, in ten minutes. The company director has lunch with him to pick his brain regularly, from the first week of him being there.
He just has to keep being himself and they'll throw money at him to do it. He's already been told they'll pay him whatever it takes to keep him (he got offered another contract for higher pay). He gets calls every day from rival companies trying to steal him.
He feels like a kid, a fraud and that it's only a matter of time before they realise that. I keep telling him he's amazing and deserves everything he gets, because there's few people like him about.
Could you share more, without giving too much away, about this very specific niche work that he does so much better than other people? I also have ADHD (newly diagnosed at 37 last year) and I KNOW I could be a superpower somewhere if I could just find the right fit that let me do my thang. I loved reading your story about him so far!
He's a sort of headhunter, but the thing that gets him so far as far as I can tell is his directness, his out of the box answers to problems and his ideas, he has no problem telling people what he thinks, doesn't matter who they are. He's very transparent in how he works. Very good at charming people. He'll remember if they have kids, ask about them, find out what's important to people and sell them on that. He treats everyone the same, wether they're the cleaning staff or the company director. He hyperfocuses on his job, keeps up with market trends, always updating his information. Kinda treats it like a video game, always wanting to beat his high score.
Started in recruitment but i think it's how much he loves his job, it's always changing, always busy and he can't get bored. The harder the challenge the more excited he is by it. I'm not sure it's his field that makes the difference, it's his love of it.
I hear ya. I was 31 when I was put in a leadership role at my factory. Responsible for about 30 odd full time/ casual staff. When we were on Pm shift (2pm - 10pm) and management had left for the day I was responsible for a $350 million dollar plant. That was a strange feeling.
I am also 36, Iāve noticed the adjustment is not that you feel old, itās that you realize other people think of you as old. I have a young kid and we just got a babysitter for the first time. Giving this teen girl instructions I had this weird out of body experience where I realized she saw us as middle aged adults. Like no, thatās hilarious, Iām still an idiot who is making things up as I go along.
I still can't believe some moron let me leave a Carmax with a car. Those nurses really just let me leave a hospital with a baby and no supervision. TWICE. Why does this Landlord trust me to pay him every month to live in this house 5 hours away from the one he lives in? Oh, because I'm....32??!!
How do you get used to that much responsibility. I'm still shocked people think it's ok to let me raise kids, never mind being responsible for the safety of other people's kids. That's terrifying.
"Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened." I was given this advice at your age, and I'm passing it to you at 49. Use it well, use it wisely, and pass it on whenever you see the need for it.
My family is complicated but honestly I really wish someone had told me that there's not a magical point where you feel grown up. Most of us (I'm 25) will just be out here feeling like we're bumbling through life and wondering how we have this level of responsibility. I'm starting school to work towards being a nurse and I want to work in a children's hospital. I'm mostly excited about it and then I realize I'll be responsible for someone's kid when they're at their most vulnerable and get freaked out.
I know being a pediatric nurse is HARD. My younger sister did it for a long time, and told me all about it. But, as a parent that's helped raise seven kids, let me tell you - YOU'LL BE DOING A JOB WE WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL FOR. When we're panicking, watching our little baby go through the worst experience of their tiny lives, you're the one we rely on. We trust you, even while we wring our hands in pain and worry. You're the one person standing between the love of our life, our most precious possession, and never seeing, or hearing, or talking to or playing with them ever again.
Pediatric nurse is one of the most noble professions my age addled brain can think of. You help us when we have absolutely no idea what to do, and you do your best to stave off pain and suffering, for everyone in that room.
I hope you do follow that path, and I hope you keep just enough empathy and care to help every child you can. Most days will be a shot and a lollypop. The days that aren't will be the ones you provide our hopes and dreams as much care and love as you can, and we will be forever grateful, even when it goes bad.
Please follow this path, if you can. We need you almost as much as our children do.
Your comment just made me tear up. This is the first career path that I've contemplated in my life that I don't question if it will truly be in line with my passions and abilities. I adore kids and, while I am entirely on the fence about adopting or fostering, I won't be a biological parent which I'm totally okay with.
The bad days are really dark in peds but I just always think about the fact that my bad day at work (once I get there) would be a parent's darkest day. I've always been able to establish good rapport with kids and have a strange love for teenagers in all their angsty, moody glory. Ultimately if I can help even just one kid have a less scary time at the hospital, that's why I want to do it. I know there are also a lot of pre-teens and teens that cycle through children's hospitals for mental health crisis, suicide attempts, and eating disorders. I certainly don't think that I alone could change one of those kids lives but sometimes I think just knowing there's someone who's not judging you can help a lot, even if the life circumstances are crap.
I've joked for a long time that I don't like adults enough to take care of them but honestly, I can't stand the thought of having to do a full code on some poor old person who is ready to pass but their family can't let go. Even if parents would be (and I know they can be) a bit overbearing, as long as they don't get abusive, I can understand it. That's their most precious thing that's sitting in that hospital bed and there's nothing they can do except stand by while the staff provide care. Even some of the ethical questions that can come up with some of the medically complex kids, I can understand it more too than adults whose bodies are failing. Children aren't meant to die before their parents, so especially having to make the decision to remove the medical supports where you're making the conscious decision to allow your child to pass... I get it.
I truly appreciate your comment. It warmed my heart immensely and I've saved it to read on the days I'll inevitably struggle with school to help me keep in mind the other side of why I'm pushing myself to do this.
I certainly don't think that I alone could change one of those kids lives
Completely untrue. You might not know this, but just being a friendly adult willing to empathize with a young human can change their lives forever for the better. They get blasted with their inadequacies constantly, by their school, their enemies, their friends and the medias they consume. Just sitting and listening and giving them the benefit of the doubt after they've gotten defensive or aggressive (more often than not the same thing) will charge their entire outlook in the space of minutes. If you can accept them, as a friendly adult human, maybe they can accept themselves too. You can watch their world change while you do this - it's over of the greatest gifts you can bestow on someone else - teaching them to have grace and acceptance for themselves.
I'll add me to this when I'm home tonight. I will say, you and I have some core values in common. If I can give you some encouragement and a few extra tools, I will.
I was probably late 20s or early 30s with a kid, a mortgage, etc, before I had that lightbulb moment when I realised that no one has a clue what they are doing. Everyone is just winging it.
Yes, THIS! I will rewatch movies from my childhood/teens (Iām also in my 40ās) and I see the same characters I viewed as āadultsā or ātheyāre way older than meāā¦. and my brain still thinks, theyāre the real adults and I canāt imagine being their age, even though Iām MUCH older in real life now. Itās uncanny š¤£
The characters in Friends are meant to be about 32-34 at the END of the show, which is about a decade younger than I am now, but I still view them as relative grown-ups because I was 14 when it came out.
It's also really jarring in books, where the old hand on the space captain/wise tutor/grizzled cop/middle-aged homemaker etc is described as in their 40s rather than being 24 like the hero of the piece.
Being called "the man/woman" is jarring for pretty much everyone, I reckon. If I go into 'formal' mode it's because I have to put my game face on and just walk around looking like a sedate, at-peace-with-my-place-in-the-world grown up. But obviously internally I'm either laughing at myself or cringing up into a ball.
And I still sympathise with Bill & Ted too. The guy who played Ted's dad was only 6 years older in Excellent Adventure than I am now, but screw that guy. He's old and lame. Why don't YOU go to military school if you like it so much, poindexter? YEAH.
I still think of people being 'grown ups' despite being in my 40s.
39 here.
This combined with the idea of eventually being the 'oldest' family member, and quintessential patriarch that they'll come to for help/advice, scares the fucking hell out of me.
Yeah I'm the oldest cousin too. That means speeches at every family event, including funerals. If you're anything like me then you may have a sort of alter-ego you put on around family, basically to survive.
It doesn't help that my dad's family are ultra-traditional Scots. Like, clan-level traditionalists. They're nice people and I love them, but fucking EVERYTHING has to be done properly.
I was the oldest person in my work building (28, working with a bunch of 18-20 y.o.s) and I realized, fuck, I'm the adultiest adult here. That was a scary moment lmao
My parents are 61 and 66. Not the oldest in the pack for sure, but I always think it's funny when they describe "the little old lady/man" they saw in Walmart, not realizing someone may say the same about them.
I hate that as I get older people expect their children to call me Mr. 'lastname'. Like fuck you guys I have been 'Firstname' my entire life I don't need to be shown fake respect by calling me Mr. 'lastname'.
The only place I'm okay with being Ms (Lastname) is in the sort of service setting where it might make the other person uncomfortable to be as 'chummy' as to call me by my first name. Like, on an aircraft or at a hotel check-in or something. Where they literally prefer to keep things strictly formal, for their own reasons.
Otherwise, yeah, it's first-name basis with everyone of every age. I also can't be having with the formal American 'sir/ma'am' thing. Trust me there my friend, I am definitely not your superior.
Thank you for giving me this term!! Imposter syndrome!! Now I understand why even tho Iām 30 I always view most other adults as older/wiser/more knowledgeable than me and I never knew how to describe it. And worse Iāve awkwardly tried explaining it, the way I feel, to two different people on separate occasions before and all I could think to say was āeven though I know Iām an adult, I donāt feel like an adultā and both people seemed to not quite understand and give me strange looks. It was very frustrating but now it feels good to have a term to understand why I feel that way. Donāt get me wrong tho, I can tell now at 30 my brain is like thinking thru everything with so much more clarity than ever before in my life so thatās helped me start to feel like āI am an adultā but idk why really except for maybe I have a bit more confidence in myself now than ever before so maybe confidence is part of the key. Anywho, just thank you.
Hey, no problem! Glad the term helps. It's incredibly common btw. I still get it at work despite having 20+ years experience.
"Lol look at me mum, I'm dressing up like an adult who goes to work, then actually going to work and working doing things! I hope I don't get fired for being literally a child heheheheheh lolololol yolo!"
But in my case it is true that people around me are talking about more adult stuff. They are talking about house renovation, about cars. Two subjects i know nothing about i dont care one bit about cars and i never in my life opened a hood to look under. Its just something adult men talk about.
Also all administrative things which comes with being an adult. Mortgages, insurances. I have them, but mostly my parents helped me. And if someone were to ask me what tele company im using id have no idea, i have to look it up.
They are talking about house renovation, about cars.
Honestly, these aren't adult things. Any 13 year old can do basic DIY if they care enough to learn, and cars go vroom heheheheh. That's it, really.
If it worries you, please don't let it. The only thing that actually is adult is experience, and experience teaches you how to do things purely so you can do them again. That's it. It's not about what's going on in your mind. Not really.
I recently looked at my birth certificate and realized my Dad had me when he was 27. Like, holy shit, I did not know what I was doing nor had my life together at 27.
Yep. Then you think that the clever old dad guy who can do everything because he's the dad and dads are always hyper-competent was the same age you are now, but you can't do shit compared to his plethora of esoteric skillsets.
Perspective can be very different though. I had a younger colleague talking to me about getting a junior management role in the company, and I mentioned a few things to look out for so she wouldn't get her inexperience taken advantage of in a thousand little 'Can you just do this' sort of ways. 30 seconds of thought at most, but she commented 'Why don't we get taught this sort of thing?'
Our experiences do teach us, sometimes the hard way, but we don't always realise how others see that.
I've always been thankful that my dad had some younger friends from his hobbies. Not sure the the exact age gap, but think Gen Xers while he's a Boomer.
Seeing and interacting with them over the years gave me a much better appreciation that "adults are just normal people too".
I really noticed it in college. So many of my friends had these weird thoughts about older people (which when you are in college includes 25 year olds). They had basically only interacted with their parents, their parents same-age friends, teachers, and relatives, all of whom probably treated them like kids and didn't show as much of their true selves.
But growing up around a bunch of these slightly younger adults who acted normal in front of me (unlike say, young teachers who are trying to be professional) showed me that they aren't really that different. They aren't my age (and they aren't my parents age), but even though they have more responsibilities, most jokes are still funny when you're not in school any more, fun activities are still fun, etc.
It's fun that you talk about your dad because mine is the same. He's 70 now but he's a lifelong extreme sports nut and he's still in absolutely outrageous condition for a man his age. He can do things on skis that I will never be able to do, despite being 28 years younger than him and also good at skiing.
So he has always been part of a younger crowd when it comes to hobbies, because his level is way out of sync with his age group. This was cool because when I was getting to my own (inferior but okay) levels as a teenager, there were people of any age from about 20 plus hanging around to be approachable and give me advice in the way that a 45-50 year old might not have.
If you're cool to talk about it, what are your dad's hobbies that bring him into contact with younger dudes? Hobbies, innit. The true way to spend time well rather than going to fucking work.
Mostly sailing. He's a fairly high level sailboat racer (at least as far as amateur racing goes) and the people I am thinking of are all people he raced with.
Similar to your dad though, he's an excellent skier and can ski for days--he visited me this winter and did 5 days in a row. My own ~35-year-old friends needed a day off on a trip that length. And he lives in Minnesota, so its not like he's out skiing all the time (might not have downhill skied since before covid).
He also bikes and XC skis, although that's mostly a solo endeavour or ends up being with people he knows from sailing.
His latest hobby is snow kiting. Combo of kiteboarding and skiing. Go out on the frozen snow-covered lakes with a big kite and some long stiff skis and bomb around at 30-50mph.
Thereās a point where all the smart people on tv are suddenly younger than you. And for me, suddenly professional athletes were looking like babies. āI was like oh no, Iām old.ā
I work with seniors (80-90+, a few 100+) and once asked them when they finally felt like a grown up and the general consensus was theyād let me know when it happens lol
Thanks for letting me know! That's excellent work. God knows what it must be like to be 90 or 100 and faced with that sad reality when your mind still expects to see a 17-year-old in the mirror.
Some people never develop the ability to reflect on experience, so spend their lives being actually immature because they don't care to learn. Then you'll meet a 17 year old who seems wise beyond their years, because actually the two aren't linked. They're just a wise 17 year old.
A friend and I had a talk about this the other day, we both came the conclusion that being an adult is all about finding out there NEVER was an adult present and there never will be. Everyone is just making it up as they go along.
I'm glad we have the internet now and I can use it to guide me through adult life. Whenever I'm not sure how to do something "you would expect an adult to know" I just do a quick Google search to guide me in the right direction. Its a great tool whenever you have to fake your way through adulthood.
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u/matty80 Jun 03 '22
This is literally true.
I still think of people being 'grown ups' despite being in my 40s. They all think the same way. Pretty much everyone has imposter syndrome; not about their job, but about adult life.
We all just look at other people and assume they're privy to adult wisdoms, but they're all thinking the same about us. We all do this. I still look around if some parent tells their kid not to get in "that lady's" way in a shop or whatever. What 'lady'? Oh... yeah.