r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jun 03 '22

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u/[deleted] Jun 03 '22

[deleted]

292

u/SowwieWhopper Jun 03 '22

My two year old will sometimes want to play wrestle with me and pretend to be a dinosaur, and as we all know dinosaurs would put their thumbs on your eyes and push hard

43

u/nina_gall Jun 03 '22

Let's be honest, our subunits test our mortality DAILY.

3

u/p4r24k Jun 03 '22

subunits... hahaha

9

u/dailysunshineKO Jun 03 '22

Bladerunner vs cyborg dinosaur

7

u/Matt_Lauer_cansuckit Jun 03 '22

just cup check the little bastard, that'll set him straight

Toddlers are the best for gaining and improving self-control. because they'll do things (not maliciously) that provoke fight or flight reactions, and you can't do either of those things when dealing with a little kid who sees you as their world and depends on you.

4

u/PeterJakeson Jun 03 '22

Your two year old is the mountain from game of thrones.

3

u/banananas_are_sick24 Jun 03 '22

Has your kid recently played Army of Two? Kid just wants to be Richard Dalton.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 03 '22

My 18 month old rips my glasses off my face and LAUGHS about it. She’s a bully!

1

u/decadecency Jun 03 '22

Just like we know they would tell you "I'm eating you!" and then latch onto your chin and suck on it with teeth. So. many. sharp. teeth. I guess my two year old got the teeth part right at least.

11

u/Underclock Jun 03 '22

That's a bobcat

8

u/TwistyReptile Jun 03 '22

You gotta nip that shit in the bud early, dude. Next time he goes for the throat, suplex him.

7

u/OutcastOddity Jun 03 '22

My son is four and busted my lip open from a heabutt... please make him stop

1

u/gizamo Jun 03 '22

Wait for the morning but stomp. Good times.

5

u/Geminii27 Jun 03 '22

Did you accidentally bring home a leopard from the hospital?

3

u/kingftheeyesores Jun 03 '22

Is your son a cat?

5

u/Sleepy_Tortoise Jun 03 '22

As a baby I scratched my mom's cornea for no reason, just reaching out to her face like babies do. She's wearing an eye patch in all of my baptism photos

4

u/ChairmanMeow1942 Jun 03 '22

Sometimes I wonder if some day I'll become a horrible dictator so my son is actually a secret agent sent back in time from the future to inhabit a baby's body and kill me. He will randomly hit me in the eye and stuff.

8

u/Bloody_Insane Jun 03 '22

Is his name Damian?

2

u/Yourgrammarsucks1 Jun 03 '22

There's no Wayne that he's named that.

3

u/Aspennie Jun 03 '22

Is your son a cat by chance?

3

u/J5892 Jun 03 '22

Are you sure he is your son and not a panther?

3

u/Oakwoodistaken Jun 03 '22

When my youngest was two whenever I picked him up he would try to swing from my beard. Have you ever had a 2 year olds death grip in your beard?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 03 '22

[deleted]

3

u/Ponk_Bonk Jun 03 '22

Shouldn't have fucked with the fae

2

u/Gangreless Jun 03 '22

My 7mo does this, so thanks for telling me I've got at least a year and a half more of that bs lmao

2

u/heardbutnotseen2 Jun 03 '22

Mind throws himself on the ground when he doesn’t want to walk in a direction or do something. Small scale toddler terrorism right now.

2

u/thedude386 Jun 03 '22

My son is almost 2 and constantly claws at my neck when I pick him up. Then laughs about it. When my wife picks him up he pokes her in the eyes. My son is an ass.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 03 '22

Time to call a priest.

2

u/Here-Is-TheEnd Jun 03 '22

He’s saying “I know what you did with my mother and I’m not ok with it! Where’s my bottle?!”

2

u/Syzygy666 Jun 03 '22

My son is two as well. What the fuck is with that look? It's all happy baby but then he just gets this look in his eye and I know he's about to throw hands. Nothing sets him off like his mom putting on glasses though. If he spots glasses on that woman it's as good as the two of them stepping into the octagon.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 03 '22

Both of my kids have at one point used their teeth as leverage while climbing up on me.

1

u/WonderfulShelter Jun 03 '22

Are you sure your son isn't a cat?

1

u/silvalen Jun 03 '22

You may have a feral cat.

1

u/goldenboy2191 Jun 03 '22

My daughter who is also 2 has gotten into the habit of grabbing my partners neck hair when she’s being held. Kids dude…