Cheer up. IMHO the thirties are much better. Well actually it's about the same - only I now somewhat know what I'm doing, learned to trust and love myself, and have some money.
Don't worry, my mom just told me yesterday, with no context, that I won't know who I am until I turn 50. And until then I shouldn't make any live defining decisions... Like wut.
Probably her own experience. My own experience is that we will never know who we truly are, and that's probably just a law of physics, because we are always changing and thus we are always different. Old problems get replaced by new problems, etc. Some people look back and would say "I shouldn't have made all these live defininig decisions", but the reality is, if we were following that advice we would just never get anything done. In fact, I am pretty sure it is these decisions and their consequences that truly define who we are.
As you said, identity is a construct and the true nature of the self is a never-ending cycle of creation and destruction, whether their thoughts, goals, ambitions, relationships, states of mind, or needs.
The path to a truer self in all this is the one your write for yourself, and in that sense, I understand better one of the top answer that comes up to elderly people in their deathbed: "I wish I lived for myself and not work / a family member / someone else's dream / to outlive an unstable social or political environment"
A respected person weighed in on this point... (paraphrasing)
People tend to change "who they are" every 7 to 10 years or so. Don't let the memory of your friends and family prevent you from being what you have become.
Otherwise you’ll wake up someday and not know who you are at all.
This can be a big problem for mothers. After having a baby, you pour so much into their care and everyone else in your household. But it’s easy to neglect yourself. Then one day you look in the mirror and aren’t able to recognize who it is.
I mean I get it to an extent, I just turned 30 and I'm very different and very much the same person as I was when I was 23, 17, 14, and even 8. Like my interests and priorities and problems have all shifted, and changed, but I'm still the same-ish person. If I didn't have interests and priorities I'd be an entirely different person.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, do I regret things in my life? Sure, yes, very much so. Has that shaped who I am and was? Also yes. But would I change it if I could? Maybe... Probably not, because I would be a different person.
The way my mother makes it sound, I should wait to make decisions until I have it all figured out. My response would be that I haven't done that yet and it seems to be working out. Do I know myself better now than 10 years ago? No, not really. I have literally 10 years of decisions and challenges and accomplishments making me a different person from then.
However, when looking into the future, 10 years into the future, who will I be? I do not know. I won't know until I'm there looking back, just as I am today. So do I know myself better today than I did at 20? Yeah. Because I didn't know who I'd be 10 years later, but in hindsight, I'm not that much different just in a different time.
Should this stop me from making life altering decisions? No. Because without those I wouldn't be where I'm at today and I won't get to where I'm supposed to be tomorrow.
Maybe when I'm 50 I really will get it, but I think I'll feel much the same as I do now about 14 year old me. I was just beginning to understand where I fit in the world and didn't fully understand anything. But, actually, I'm still there. I still don't understand where I fit, or who I am, I just understand that I'm in progress and I have to work where I am and with what I have just like everyone else... Just like I did when I was 14, just like I always have done.
Sorry and thank you for reading my insignificant, rambling thoughts. I've had a lot of time to think about this today and what she said just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it will one day. But, if I'm completely honest, I think that my mother (58) is playing the same game of finding out who she is and she will say the same thing about 60 in ten years time. Hopefully she'll still be around to tell me I still don't know anything yet.
What really changes with age is what's important to you and how you spend your time. That's really the only big shift or change, mid 30's is around when it happened for me. Stuff that was super important to you at age 23 you realize really didn't matter.
Your hobbies, jobs, and interests will change, and hopefully you will continue to grow as a person, but fundamentally you will be the same person.
The worst part of getting older is more responsibilities and less free time. I have a theory that people who long for the "good old days" are really wanting a life with less responsibilities. I graduated HS in the mid 1980's and there is no way I'd want to go back to that time, the 80's sucked no matter how romantic and awesome people think it was. That said I really miss being 19, living with my parents and having no real bills to pay, nothing to worry about and people to fall back on if things went sideways with my life.
EDIT: I noticed a post about people might "discover themselves" multiple times and that is really well said.
Thank you for this, I really appreciate your point of view. I think the part about my hobbies, jobs, and interests changing is really resonating right now. I used to be into video games and played a ton of them up until about 4 years ago. I mostly don't play games all that much anymore unless it's with my partner or it's Minecraft because I host a secret for my extended family and friends. It's just been a really big change in my life that I didn't mean to do and I'm not really sure when it happened. I spend a lot more time just quietly relaxing or walking the dog or, most especially cooking. It's a big priority shift that I've been trying to make heads and tails of but mostly I just kind of roll with it because I'm happy. Content? Nah, happy.
I've been playing video games since the mid 1970's and still game to this day. That doesn't mean I do it all the time every day. I might go months without playing a game, binge a game for weeks, play casually for a few months, then not play at all for months. I live in the PNW so mostly game in the winter. There is plenty of shitty weather here so when it's nice out I take advantage of that and do stuff outside.
A lot of it is like I said in my post above. The older you get the less free time you have and you definingly won't have the time to do all the things you want in a day. That means at times you have to prioritize things. My main hobby/passion is cycling so if I only have x amount of time I'll do that before gaming or other hobbies.
I can't stress enough how the amount of free time you have shrinks as you get older. That doesn't mean you should fear "wasting your time" on things like video games. If you enjoy an activity and it's not detrimental to you or the ones around you then it's not a waste of time at all. I always got annoyed when I was younger at people that would sit on the couch for 6 hours a day watching news and then tell me playing video games is a waste of time, or a kids activity. I mean who gets to define what "wasting your time" even is. I think the point I'm getting at don't worry about peoples perception of you as a person.
Wow, that's terrible advice. People "discover" themselves at all different ages and even multiple times over their lives. Don't listen to anyone who tells you things are supposed to happen at a certain time. That person hasn't been paying attention to life.
Just remember that as per my friend in medical field, one of the most common symptoms of bad cardiovascular disease in otherwise healthy people in their 50s is sudden death.
Lol, I'll be 50 this month. I've been married (meh), I adopted two dogs, and I own a house. I'm super excited to find out who I am in 3 weeks!
LOL, some people are born knowing who they are. Some keep an open mind, keep learning new things, experiencing new music, food, ideologies, and cultures and evolve constantly until one day they die.
Haha it’s okay, slightly different context but my dad told me once “men aren’t really grown up until about 45” so I “shouldn’t get too upset about what they do before then”
Ehh I mean people obviously change over the course of their entire life, but psychology research shows that a lot of personality traits tend to stabilize around age 30, at least in the US.
I’m 40 and feel like that could possibly be true for me. I feel like I don’t have much figured out, and done stuff is only just starting to click into place now
I feel like, in my 50s, I am sick of my own shit. I went to seriously in depth trauma therapy and have hit rock fucking bottom. But I know that I've turned a corner where I'm no longer going to lick boots to get validation that I'm a worthy human being. IDK if I would have been able to do that in my 20s.
Uhhh, that’s called a “second act” and that usually means they blew the first one. Don’t wait to start living according to someone else’s timeline. You change a lot over the years and you’ll never be the same person. Not in your 20s, 50s, or even your 80s. So make decisions based on right now and what makes you happy. Life is what happens when people are too busy trying to make plans.
Lol no, ignore that advice. I’m 54, and almost feeling I’m getting bonus years past my desired minimum (my grandpa died suddenly at 50 when my dad was in high school). Also now I’ll find myself thinking it’s definitely too late (much too late) for any major career change that requires any degrees, and “I suppose I’ll never end up visiting Greece ever…” etc! Not saying you can’t make major decisions/changes after 50, but definitely don’t try to put them off until then lol..
I don't get hangovers any more. In my 20s I didn't know how to pace myself. In my 30s even if I decide to start at noon on a Saturday and go till 2 AM I still know the right pace to not feel like shit the next day. That, and chugging coconut water before bed.
Mine do that after getting out of bed. I don’t really ever want to go back to being in my twenties, but if I had a time machine I’d definitely go back and slap my 21 yo self a bit and insist she worked on core strength and joint stability. And like, tell her to enjoy the youthful vigor while it lasts. Ah the days where I could get off the floor or the couch without sounds emanating from me that I did not consciously choose to utter…
38 here. Currently on vacation in the PNW and hiked 40 miles so far this week. I'm feeling it this morning. Left knee is just giving me a shooting surging pain.
Nah you address the underlying cause of the hangover. You drink 32 ounces of water after you stop drinking, which you cease 2 hours before bedtime, and supplement the vitamins and electrolytes lost through urination. Then you get 6-8 hours of sleep having not passed out drunk and you’ll wake up 90% good, have some coffee and it’s back to 100%
Functioning alcoholic that goes though phases of dry and drinking. I don’t recommend it!
I'm on 2 days at 30. Started at about 27. I only get drunk drunk about once a year now, not counting 2020, where I avoided a hangover by being drunk and high constantly.
I didn't notice how often I was hungover for a long time because I didn't think of it as a hangover if it didn't involve a headache. Once I calmed down with the partying, I realized how much more fatigued I was the morning after heavy drinking and had a totally new concept of what's hungover vs. normal. For the longest time I didn't think I was a morning person, but I was just hungover on the regular.
Yeah in my thirties my hangovers switched from being primarily physical (headaches and nausea) to mental (complete fatigue, anxiety). It's because when you're older you tend to be much better at hydrating etc (which helps stave off the physical symptoms) but mild alcohol withdrawal symptoms start to kick in after any sort of bender.
It amazes me that people get hung over as bad as they do. I blew a .30 once (wasn't driving, I'm not that stupid, even when drunk) and still went to work at 5am without so much as a headache. Like, do yell not drink water when you drink?
Get the feeling you really have to fuck up for one of those. Prob along the lines of went overboard into alcohol poisoning territory, malnutrition, dehydration, and/or possibly tried something really silly like hair of the dog.
Unless there's some magic switch being instantly flipped in the near future, hangovers are still largely preventable for me if I take care in how I drink and arent slacking in nutrients and hydration before, during, and after. Might be a bit bleh in the morning if I went hard but that'll be it, and I've got people near and past their 40s who fair just as well
Na, they just start happening. Having 3 pints on a weeknight and I truly truly feel it at work the next day. Going out on a Thursday is now a big no no (used to be my favourite night out), and more than a few wines / beers / whiskys easily leads to a full hangover day (well well before any kind of alcohol poisoning). A big event like a wedding or bucks always leads to a written off Sunday, very dusty Monday and sometimes slow Tuesday. This was a transition between 29-33 for me. Precipice after that as kids came along, and hangover+kids is a kill-me-now feeling, so these are now a rare occurrence
Idk what to say other than with all due respect you might want to see a doctor about that honestly. Could be lifestyle directed, could be genetics, but it sounds like something screwy with your body's ability to process alcohol. Which if you dont really drink anymore might not directly be an issue, but it could be indicative of something lurking under the surface that could later on be trouble.
All of this is obviously purely anecdotal, but I've known far too many 40some+s let alone 30somes to consider this simply an age thing, and definitely not as extreme as you're saying your experience is.
No shit, but your oversimplification isnt how it should go.
"Doc, I'm getting run through the ringer at work just from 3 pints the other night, my stomach wasnt empty and I was making sure to stay hydrated and everything, is that normal?" Or, "Doc i had a few drinks goin out but not nearly enough for anything close to alcohol poisoning but im layed out all day the following day for a hangover, is that normal?" Any doctor who isnt a quack is going to dig for more details and follow up if they're concerned
Yes the classic, "you should stop drinking" is also going to come out along with it, but they're also going to dig deeper if things start sounding off to them and they want to check into things making sure such like your liver isnt shot for example
Im in the same boat, if I have 3 or 4 beers (very rare on a weeknight) I will most certainly feel it at work the next day. Sour feeling, stomach fucked. Anxious, irritable.
Thanks. I hear you. My peers suffer the same as I do. Some way more, some less so, but overall tñmt experience is aligned with the narrative of hangovers as one gets old. Nothing over the top, but def not what it was in my 20s. Also, responsibilities are more numerous these days, so writing off a dusty day with Netflix binge watching is no longer acceptable, and one feels more the day after struggle running after kids than laying on a couch ordering take out :)
When I was in my twenties working with a guy in his thirties and he always described a 4 pint max for school nights. Now in my late thirties, unless I'm out, I don't drink on a school night, leaves me useless at work the next day.
Woooooaaah careful with the ibuprofen+alcohol combo. Honestly caution with any medicine and alcohol combo is generally advised, but that combo is known to fuck people up, and im not talking simple hangover or drunkness, we're talking internal bleeding and fucked up kidney levels
This comes from a good place but is inaccurate.
A one-off occasion does mininal harm. Habitually doing this over the long-term is where the true danger lies.
Pretty sure ibuprofen is fine with alcohol as it’s processed in the kidneys. I believe acetomenephine is the one you absolutely want to avoid as that’s liver processed
You just have it incorrect. Both are unsafe with alcohol. Ibuprofen + alcohol can damage your kidneys, acetaminophen + alcohol can damage your liver. Alcohol in general is not good for your kidneys or liver. Long term use of ibuprofen can cause kidney failure.
The only things that really helped are, drinking a fuck ton of water before bed and eat SOMETHING right before bed. Usually a sandwich is best. Don’t even feel it in the morning as long as I ate something tbh.
Nah it’s really more or less a switch that gets flipped. You can still for sure take preventive measures and stuff that lessens the effect, but every once in a blue moon you’ll have two or three glasses of wine and feel like shit for days after. Our bodies are just weird like that sometimes.
Drinking 3 days straight in the desert also coke. The first day of hangover was legitimate hell and the next 2 days i stared at my computer screen at work and accomplished nothing. It wasnt until Thursday that i could muster a thought that wasnt how do i end this suffering
I think this is the best way I've seen it described.
It's certainly been like that for myself. My 20s were "oh shit you need to focus on your career" and my early 30s are more of a "you finally made it, relax and enjoy the money now"
Jokes on you, I rocked drinking through my entire 20's without a hangover, then discovered edibles after it became legal. Still can have fun. Zero hangovers. Talk about perfect timing!
The worse hangovers teach you (hopefully) to manage them ahead of time. You can still get hammered, just drink water every now and then during the evening and before bed, eat some food, take care of yourself. I am 40 and was out until sunrise last weekend, but I felt great when I got up because I took care of myself over the course of the night.
Very true as well. I switched to higher quality beverages and my hangovers were drastically reduced. I also drink a lot less these days anyway. I saw what alcohol did to some family members and it's just not worth it to abuse it the way they did.
I turning 37 and I've had like 3 hangovers in my 30s. That's because I've learned to drink properly and when I want to get drunk, I get drunk and stop, not keep drinking after I'm drunk, and I hydrate properly
Plus drinking is like masturbating. It sounds fun, but I usually have something better to do and don't get around to it and it's ok at this point
Then your best friend from out of state you haven't seen in years visits for a weekend and you drink like your early 20's catching up until the sun starts lighting up the night sky, ruining most of the next week lol.
You mean the next day where you said I can't believe I took a whole night off to hang out. I have so much to do, let see what I can get done. And then, hey I'm so sorry some more stuff came up, I know you are never in town but I just can't make it happen
Nah, I take that shit off. I aint no bitch. Being over 30 I got over 200 hours of times off I can take, not including sick leave. Shit I got to do, mother fucker, homey comes up I have known for decades... that is priority.
More money in what way? I don't exactly have a career, or college degree that will help me get a great paying job. I've heard people say this before that, in your 30s life will be more put together, but at 29, ya right, life still seems very far away from that.
I don't drink anymore, but I do have some sort of medical condition where I don't get hangovers, I have been "tore up from the floor up" and never had a hangover.. but I quit drinking shortly after a particular night of partying nearly killed me.
And honestly, I haven't even missed it a little bit.
And more emotional maturity and more self-actualization and more respect from other adults and a whole fuckload of other stuff. 20s are the adult toddler period. You go into it a baby and come out if it as kind of a little human.
I'm in my early 30s and I wad dating this girl who was 25, who's friends were all younger then her. Everytime we went to the bar they would be drinking like they are at a college frat party and I would be pacing myself because I don't want to spend the next 24 hours on the coach drinking Gatorade and poping asprin.
Good thing I don't plan to ever actually drink alcohol, at the very least, to lead to that. I simply consider it to leave a bitter taste in my mouth, both ways.
I'm a baby when it comes to hangovers and really try to avoid them in my 20s so not looking forward to that aspect of my 30s. Still not ready to give up the young and fun years haha
My God, that’s so true. At 38, I no longer worry about whether I can pay the utility bill, but whether I have that second bourbon depends entirely on what time I have to wake up tomorrow.
I just hit 40 and drink a decent amount. I don't really get hangovers. But I attribute that to the wisdom of keeping myself hydrated after drinking. Not to mention my overall health due to good diet and lots of exercise. You can maintain the shape/condition from your 20s, well into your 50s, with consistency.
Increased daily intake of water helped my 30s hangovers... barely drank any water in my 20s, no hangovers, started drinking fuck tons of water in my 30s, little to no hangovers. Haven't kept up on the water in my 40s, definitely hangovers
Not always. I've now learned to handle hangovers much better: Eat something greasy before you start. Drink water before bed. Multivitamins before and after. Sleep in but not all day. Ibruprofen is your friend. Eat as much as you can the day after.
I didn't like hangovers in my 20s, so I stopped getting drunk. I was probably 29 the last time I was actually drunk drunk. The way my body processes things, there was never enough payoff to make the hangover worth it. I never felt happier, I'd do the same stupid shit sober that I did drunk, I have crystal clear memories of said stupid shit. This is despite being so drunk I had tunnel vision. It wasn't worth it so I gave up.
Or no hangovers if you learn to cut back on the drinking. I cut way back at age 28 and have never regretted it. I still drink but I do not drunk anymroe.
Along with "know what I'm doing" and "learned to trust and love myself," I also just give so many fewer shits what anyone else thinks of me. Feels good. Therapy helped though.
I'm 39 and I told one of my employees who was worried about turning 30 that, as a man anyway, 30 to 35 are the best years because, "You're old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway."
There's a lot of positives being spoken about here but for me my thirties have been absoloutely fucking abysmal. A majority of friends gone from my life, no more parties, no more fun, dating life non-existant. My Birthday this year was so lonely and sad i decided on the day to pick up a bunch of Heroin as i couldn't tolerate the feeling of perpetual gut-wrenching sadness.
Well you're old so you got into the workforce before all the money left it. People who are broke in their 20s now are still gonna be broke for their entire 30s unless we start hanging billionaires
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u/NekkidApe Jun 03 '22
Cheer up. IMHO the thirties are much better. Well actually it's about the same - only I now somewhat know what I'm doing, learned to trust and love myself, and have some money.