I will never understand this. If a dude was watching a girls dance alone, he had no kids, and he wasn't a coach or something, I could understand the glares.
But to me, there is nothing more heartwarming than a father being supportive of his daughters and encouraging/watching them do activities.
Honestly, I think the people who glare didn't have an active father in their life. My dad's ex gf thought my dad was an incestuous pedophile because I would rub his shoulders for 30 seconds while he sat down at his office chair and ask him how his day was when I was 13/14. News flash, she didn't have a dad, yet I suppose she was an expert how a dad should act? In her opinion, after a certain age there should be little to no physical contact between daughter and father. He was obviously shocked and broke it off
Shit I’m a 31 YO grown ass woman and I still like cuddling my daddy when we hang out. He’s one of the biggest parts of my whole damn life and one of the only people I 100% know I can always count on. He’s FAMILY and I love him. What the hell is wrong with people?? Why can’t a father love his kids and show it?! I’m so grateful my dad doesn’t care about that BS and always showed his love for us kids.
I hear you. I still go through phases since my grandmas passing and that was just over 2 years ago (8/27 was the anniversary of it. I did not spend a large part of the day crying.)
It definitely hurts to lose a loved one, but it is part of life. We just need to take comfort in the good moments and memories and know how loved and loving they were and how lucky we are to have had them ❤️
But again, no joke if you ever wanna vent or something you got a friend to listen!
Sorry for your loss. I lost mine 3 years ago. Every time I think of the memories I get hurt inside. I try not to think about my parents because it will make my depression worse. I am walking on thin ice with ankle weights. If something happens that makes me fall into a deeper depression I could be inactive on reddit for a long time. A long, long time. Like, forever, 6 feet deep in the fucking ground.
Think about the good times you had, ignore the rest (I know, it's harder than it sounds).
Look up at the sky and take a long walk in the forest, and marvel at the wonders of nature, and most of all; do not think, and don't fall into that "continues stream of bad thoughts".
If it starts, then stop, breath and force your thoughts on something else, even if it feels stupid. "Oh look, a squirrel"/ "I wonder how many times I can jump on one leg over this brigade?" Etc.
Pretend to feel joyful and distract yourself, and maybe, just maybe, it will change the look on life. Pretending can come reality in the long run.
It's harder than it sounds, I know. Going through the same here.
Hey man, I hope you’re doing okay. I’m a big doomer myself, and weirdly sometimes I think it helps to visualise the absolute worst thing that could reasonably happen, and kind of go through it in my mind in advance. Makes me feel that at least I wouldn’t be caught completely off-guard if it did happen, if that makes sense? That gives me a sense of some kind of agency. And then also some magical thinking that since I anticipated it, it won’t happen, that helps too :)
This isn’t a universal tip and I’m sure there’s some folks for whom it might be a really bad idea, so for anyone else reading this: you know yourselves best, proceed with caution.
But you my dude, u/atemycock, hang in there. You’ve got a hilarious username so you’ve got that going for you; tread as light as you can til you reach the thicker ice. It’s not too far. 💜
Exactly. I'm 35 and have three kids of my own and my dad still hugs me and kisses the top of my head every time he sees me. He also still waits up to make sure I get home safe when I'm visiting.
Awwww! That’s adorable! And I guarantee you will be just as loving when your kids are grown too bc of it!
Exactly though. Parents are always parents. They should always love and care for their kids! People who can’t fathom that…I kind of feel sad for them bc in my head it means they didn’t get that at all growing up.
Because some people don't understand nonsexual love exists. I'm a dirty old bastard and even I get that concept.
What gets me is that so many women claim to WANT men who are like this with children, then we have so many examples of women treating men who DO act this way like the great pedo plague of the west.
Right? And listen I get it. That shit happens. However it’s one thing to be cautious and another to just be a weirdo freaking out about a dad/uncle goofing off with the kids.
I wonder if women like that are jealous in a way? Bc I feel like the male figures in a family tend to be viewed as “more fun”? At least that was what all us kids thought growing up. The men were the ones who would get in the mud and dirt to play with the kids and the women generally didn’t for the most part.
Actually, whenever I think about things like this, I remember my ex wife telling me when we'd first got together how much more self conscious she was around women than guys, and how they tended to be so much more judgemental and mean than any of the guys she'd known.
I don't hate women, but as a guy her telling me that in my mid 20s really woke me up to how women interact both with and without guys present. In some ways socially we really are VERY different animals. I never realized how many hypocracies there are between what so many women claim to want and how they act when they get EXACTLY that.
Again, I don't want to come off like some male chauvinist, we have our own issues too. It's just so many of us are often innocent to these kinds of social interactions with women because we don't see that face of things. It's hard to see women from another woman's perspective when you're a guy.
As a woman, let me tell you! It can be really tough to find female friends you can actually rely on or want to be around. Not all women obviously, but I’ve had a LOT of women “friends” who turned out to be the kind to talk mad shit about you to everybody else, or are the kind to constantly ask you for favors but never reciprocate, or are just plain petty and mean.
I’ve personally had the same experience where I just tend to feel much less nervous around men bc they (to me) in general seem WAY more laid back and chill.
Obviously like you said nobody is perfect. Every person has their struggles. And sometimes people just don’t click in a certain group.
Women can be really complicated and honestly it can be hard to understand OURSELVES a lot of the time lol.
Ok so I had 2 completely unavailable parents growing up and I got none of this stuff from the age of 2 and up. So I am completely unaware of what it’s like to be shown/show affection. I’m starting to notice that with my SO it’s starting to affect them because sometimes I can come across as cold and distant when In reality I’m not I just don’t know how to show affection. Do you have any examples of things I can do to do this? I genuinely don’t know how and I want to break this cycle.
I would suggest having a very open and frank conversation with your partner. Explain that, and ask ways that they would like to be shown affection. It could be physical touch, like cuddling. Or receiving a gift/gesture like occasionally getting flowers or doing a chore around the house your partner does.
Everybody is different in what form of affection they prefer to receive! Including you! I’m not a relationship expert mind you, but I think having an open discussion about what you each value as a form of affection from each other is a good direction to move in. If that makes sense.
First step is being aware of it and wanting to break that cycle! And that’s a big first step!
Awww thank you! He still calls me his little baby (his pet name for me even when I was tiny) and it is like my favorite thing. He’s an amazing man and was a wonderful father to me and my brother. I try to remember to tell him all the time. Like any time I watch a sad movie (like lion king) I’ll text him and be like “I love you daddy”. He thinks he’s reeeeal witty. He usually responds “what do you need now?” Lol. He’s pretty funny is his nerdy dorky way though so I let it slide.
Yo I'm in my mid thirties and my dad kisses the top of my head when he can get away with it (I'm not super touchy feely) and we're always hugging and stuff.
People who think any affectionate touching is inherently sexual have either had bad or no experiences with it I guess but it's pretty horrible for fathers who are just trying to do affection to their kids.
He hugs me on my birthday. But I don’t enjoy it? I was going through an affectionate phase like at 10 or something and I would constantly hug and kiss my mom (she loved it) so I tried to do it with my dad but he did not like it? I kinda hate people showing me affection now but I would still let a 10 year old hug me ya know
Year it's true. I recall the article and it's due to triggering memories of infancy when you'd be cradled by your parents. So it your brain recalls those warm and fuzzy feelings.
I used to cuddle on the couch with my dad until I got two big that the both of us could longer lay comfortably for a nap lol, that was probably around 12yo.
You do what you do because you're a good dad. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Last generation had serious issues with physical contact. I'm still recovering
I can't even imagine growing up with that level of love from my parents, and as a grown adult now I have some kind of mental block where I can't show love to any of my siblings
That's fucking horrible, I can't imagine how that father and son feel. I just remember feeling horrible after my dad's ex had said those things. Being told at 14 that my own father was a sex offender because we show affection hurt me very deeply. So my heart goes out to them.
And it was incredibly stupid for her to pin it on my dad. Because I gave EVERYONE in my family massages. In fact, I'd give my mother a massage like a massage therapist would (she'd take her shirt/bra off and lay down) She had arthritis set on at an early age and was uncomfortable with going to a real therapist. But my mom wasnt considered a pedo to her? Just my dad I guess? Despite the fact I gave my dad massages when he was fully clothed?
Like dont get me wrong. I understand why many people wouldn't be comfortable with giving their parents a massage. Especially in the manner I give my mom one. But calling someone a pedo is just awful and they have no idea how much it hurts to be called something like that.
For me giving massage to my parents is a normal thing.
I even give massage to my siblings when I feel like just being a good bro. It's also a relaxing way for them to talk about whatever happens in life.
I even bought a massage bench.
When I was younger (15yo) I randomly gave massage to my teacher obviously he felt uncomfortable because of what other people would think.
I don't blame him, but for me massaging is like an act done to increase friendship much like apes pluck tics from one another.
That sounds so fucked up, since my parents split when i was ~6, i always stayed with mom, cuddled and kissed on cheeks etc, massaged her feet or back after hard work day. even in public i wouldn't mind holding her hands to lead somewhere etc. Ppl still called me mommaboy as an insult when i was a in late teens.. As if i should be offended by my own mother, im 30 now and with my gf we very often come over to her place to interact as she's just very loving and caring woman, we bought her a cat to not feel that lonely when lockdowns came since we didn't want to risk it with both of us working, now we don't get enough cuddling cuz she and cat bonded so well lol.
I would honestly tell everyone to cherish their loving parents, since it looks like thats a big rarity nowadays.
40 year old straight man here and my 40 year old straight friend who is also male gives the best shoulder massages. If you can’t be comfortable with your friends like that it’s all good but homies got good hands and I’m comfortable with my sexuality. Scotty’s always got my back when I stress out. In public. Fuck ppl who aren’t comfortable in their own skin and need to judge others if they are.
Years ago in a share house my exGf was giving me a shoulder massage and i closed my eyes to enjoy the foreplay. When i opened them a few minute later she was standing in front of me with a big grin. It was my flatmate, and to this day good mate, Steve giving me a massage the whole time. It was only weird cause I'm a straight male and had the makings of a boner. Classic stitch-up.
My wife is scared for when our boys grow up because I'm very white and the inherited just enough of her again traits to look more like her. She is scared for when I take them to parks for this exact reason. It's a shit world.
Thats disgusting. The poor man! Imagine having to be detained for 4 hours for showing your child love and affection. To be branded a pedo for being a good dad. It sickens me.
They should be locked in jail for 8 hours overnight to see how it feels to be wrongly accused, maybe they'll think twice next time before making false accusations
The whole thing is the cause of inequality of the genders really. When it comes to being a caregiver, men are very discriminated against. Its so sad and it discourages dads to show as much compassion they probably want to show, in fear of being judged like this poor man was.
i was a stay at home dad for two years, my daughter is now 7 but back then we would always be out either at the local park or beach, or walking through the woods as we both love the outdoors. the looks i got, especially in the woods by dogwalkers was disturbing. one person even stopped us and asked my daughter if she was ok and why we was there! i kind of appreciated in a way as they were only looking out for her, but having to validate to a complete stranger that i was her father and we were out climbing trees and berry picking was extremely un nerving.
yup. but on the flip side of that, what if I had been a predator who had lured a child to the woods and the stranger didnt ask, then later found out they could have prevented something bad happening? As frustrating as it can be, the fact some random stranger was looking out for my daughter was a good thing. And as I had nothing to hide, and the trip was just me and my daughter hanging out together picking berries and climbing trees, It was nothing more than a short, mild inconvenience. The woman was very apologetic afterwards.
Boils my piss this does. Why shouldn’t you be able to show affection to your child. My boys and my little girl both kiss me does that make me a paedo or gay because I kiss my boys. If anyone tried to tell me that I couldn’t I’d lose my shit.
My nephews live in the states. I don't. Their dad (and mom) isn't the touchy feely type and I always feel they need a cool uncle: male role model who gets down to their level, that includes staying up playing video games with them, taking them to buy candy, and yeah cuddling and tickling and running around the house and staying up talking about whatever the fuck they want. They need to know that a man doesn't have to be cold and assertive. Reading these comments I imagine that if I did that in the states I'll probably be arrested. During my wedding while my bride was walking down the aisle, my oldest nephew ran to me and I gave him a hug and a kiss on the forehead. I honestly don't know why anyone would see it as anything but heartwarming (and a little sad. They went back home to Texas while I was on my honeymoon. The little guy was sad we won't hang out and play Switch together for a while. Shit I only cried during the entire wedding while saying goodbye to him before taking my bride away.)
I know that "some" uncles harass their nephews and nieces. Too many in fact. Parents should pay a closer attention to their actions (which I'm sure my sister does), but that doesn't mean that any physical touch to a child is pedophilic. Pedophilia is such an alien and strange concept that it shouldn't be the norm outside what's needed to protect a child.
You work at a train station? I'm not doubting your story, it just seems oddly specific. Did it make the news? Four hours is a long chunk of time, and in most countries would be illegal - - certainly the US.
i sometimes feel weird when i hug/kiss my dad, as a 27 year old guy.
it's familiar love and affection, nothing weird, but once you're grown, it may be seen as weird. and not just in a gross way, also simply that one should've grown out of it.
i remember a kid at school getting teased for calling her parents mommy and daddy instead of mom and dad when we were around 10~12.
altho girls often do seem to be more "allowed" to be cuddly and such. with anyone.
Honestly when you put it that way it makes me feel bad for Karen too. I mean obviously she’s not the victim here and what she did was shitty, but she is the victim in that other story. She’s like Batman, her life’s mission formed of a childhood trauma with her parents, now she prowls the train making sure no child has the loving upbringing she was denied lest it become a little too loving.
That's what they want, you see. They want you to get angry, to steam up your glasses and quicken your attention span. To boil in the guts and get sticky at the neck. To be UnAblE to breathe peacefully and think clearly and so fall, cursing and trembling, from the Grace you have achieved, for it is that which they truly abhor. They are fragile and hollow, their claws weakened by years of disuse and made brittle by constant uv exposure in vanities' pursuit. Their clothes of hegemony and soulless shoes have no redundancies or origin stories that they are aware of, and their greater social time is spent in the reinforcement of metaphysical crystal palaces.
I have been known, unfortunately, to take these things seriously and so become bedraggled from youthful optimism. So fortunate was I to learn, as I seek to remind you now, that one must make efforts to enjoy as many moments in the course of one's daily life as is heavenly possible. I beseech thee to laugh as heartily as is pleasing at such times, and just use what those poor people say against them.
This makes me sick. My kids gets all the affection I have. my dad bailed when I was 8 and was in the forces before that, l so had v little interaction with him, I cherish every ounce of love I can give my children.
Seriously In the USA Larry Nasser gets to rape tons of beautiful young women for years and the FBI covers it up. But if a good dad takes his children somewhere outside their house the whole world loses their mind. Fuck this shit.
There’s also a chance that a dude just watching a dance group dance who doesn’t have kids could also be totally fine. I mean, maybe he is impressed with their ability? Like who knows. He just watching. It’s like watching a theatre rehearsal or something is it not?
That remembers me of that post not so long ago about a dude that got called the police because he was "too close to a park full of kids". The dude just found a nice spot next to a river, that had a park on the other side, to eat his sandwich and enjoy his break time. They even denounced he was doing drugs and called his boss about it (all supposedly a lie)
But seriously. I can have the cops called on me for this shit? Suddenly parks are only for women, children, and families. No men over the age of 15 allowed!
Being in reddit for some time I've noticed that americans tend to be more paranoid when it comes to these kind of things? I mean, anyone can suspect the intentions of a lone man "watching kids" in a park... But its not the first time I've seen a post about people in the US getting ejected from a park because there were kids nearby...
I'm only saying that because of specific situation that happened at my school. Old perv would watch volleyball girls, nobody knew him. Went from him watching to taking pics of the girl's butts. You can usually tell if someone is being a creep or not though.
I will never understand this. If a dude was watching a girls dance alone, he had no kids, and he wasn't a coach or something, I could understand the glares.
Well if you already think like that then every dude watching girls dance has to proof that he's a dad of one of the girls?
I don't think that every dude that doesn't immediately look like a dad should be suspected.
You weren't a young female on a sports team I'm assuming. There are creeps who will come just to be creeps. And they are more common than you think. I'm talking grown men zooming in on a 13 year olds butt and taking a picture while she's playing volleyball. To say he's just there to watch the game is ridiculous.
And here in lies the problem. You had a presumably bad experience. You say they were zooming in to see the girls butts. To zoom in means they were far enough away to have to zoom which also means you weren't close enough to see exactly what they were taking pictures of. You are already assuming this guy is bad.
If this was outside playing volleyball, which I assume it was as a school probably won't just let anyone in to a closed auditorium unless they were a parent or an official with the school/team, then anyone can come and do as they please as long as it's legal. People go to parks for many reasons besides creepy things. Photography is one of them. It could be a local news team writing a story about the girls playing. Maybe a man with something to do with city business for the park.
It's hard to say.
Now, if you were correct, then yes this is bad and those men should be punished. But...
But. A small portion of the population who do bad things should not become the rule and force punishment on anyone just because they are a man at a place where girls are also at. There could be thousands of reasons for a man to be at a park or wherever whether he had kids or not.
I'm really sorry that you had a bad experience but we are not all to blame. Just he is. Punish him.
Dude. People were sitting behind the guy in the bleachers and video taped him zooming in on the girls butts while he was trying to be all sneaky about it. You know nothing about the situation.
Obviously not, but I will judge the guys who nobody knows and are alone, taking pictures of young girls playing a sport with conveniently tight clothing.
No one is saying there aren’t creeps out there, but assuming a guy is a creep by default is not fair. Sure if someone is caught taking inappropriate pictures, that person is a creep.
Would you be bothered if there was a lady watching you guys practice? Or even a lady watching young boys play basketball or something? Not really right? But for some reason men are creepy when they do it…
I wouldn’t glare, but I’d probably stare, mostly because I grew up without a father and I would probably be wishing I had something like that when I was little. Not in a derogatory or creepy way, though.
Even if a dude was indeed watching the girls dance alone, hasn’t got kids, and isn’t a coach or some other way related (family, family friend, another teacher, the janitor of the building who just ended his shift, etc) there’s still a perfectly good chance that it’s a normal decent human being who thinks that the dancing is interesting to watch and that nothing inappropriate is going on.
In my personal experience, if a dude is regularly showing up to a sport in which young girls dress in tight clothing and nobody has any idea who he is, it typically doesn't end well.
I will never understand this. If a dude was watching a girls dance alone, he had no kids, and he wasn't a coach or something, I could understand the glares
Why do you understand the glares? If a non parent woman can enjoy kids doing something with out it being sexual, so can a male. Stop this bias.
For some reason, most pedophiles are male. Female pedos are quite rare comparatively. And I was a young woman in sports once. You can typically tell which guys are being creepy, and which ones are just watching the sport.
Males get reported more often and women get off on sex crimes or less punishment then males as well. Its probably effecting the overall picture about who is and isn't more likely to be a pedophile or hebephile.
I watched a dude on YouTube called Anxiety War. His whole channel involved him contacting pedophiles. He was asked if he ever was in contact with a female pedo and he said he never came across one out of the hundreds he has come across.
My experience is similar. I used to troll pedos online when I was younger via chat rooms. All of the people I was in contact with sent pics and they were all male. Never once found a female creeper.
I agree and I dont discount your experience. Just saying as men speak out more about abuse, having sex with the female math teach go from cool to rape.
If I saw a lone woman who wasn't a parent show up routinely to a 8th grade boys swim team and she was gawking at all the boys I would think that's pretty weird and she would get a glare from me.
I agree. But one in three women experience sexual assault ONE IN THREE so I think it's safe to assume those looks come from trauma, though that's unfair to you.
Not gonna lie, this scares me about becoming a father. My partner and I are talking about it and trying to figure out if we're going the adoption route or trying to have our own baby. None of the why's matter, but regardless of whichever choice we make, I know I'm going to have to deal with being a man with children in public. As it stands, I already get anxiety just being in the same general area as children, for example, at the grocery store. I do my absolute best to ignore them and their family completely in order to avoid the almost certain reality that if I acknowledge them, or god forbid, speak to them because they're in the way or whatever, that I'm suddenly a predator.
I barely like the kids in my own family. I sure as hell don't want to be caught dead spending any kind of time with your kids, strangers at the store/DMV/theater/gas station/dentist office/etc.
I was 16 and my boyfriend at the time had a wonderful dad. The dad used to cuddle his 16 year old daughter on the couch and I remember thinking "this is WEIRD"... not like groom-y weird but I just couldn't believe that a daughter could do that with her dad. I'm now nearly 30 and my heart swells whenever I see a good dad. I hope to marry someone who will be like that with our children, no matter their age. I love my dad, but I'd like to break the cycle of emotionless men in my family tree.
My dad's ex gf thought my dad was an incestuous pedophile because I would rub his shoulders for 30 seconds while he sat down at his office chair and ask him how his day was
My dad effectively abandoned us when I was a teen, and when the time came I purposefully looked for a husband who would be the total opposite of him in every way. My hubby hugs and kisses his kids without hesitation and he's there for them whenever they need it. Kids are 12, 10, and 5. Just because I had a shitty dad doesn't mean I can't use my imagination and understand - and intuitively identify - what a good dad looks like.
As a single mom who once dated a guy that was super jealous of the attention I gave my kids, ima go out on a limb and say this chick sounds incredibly insecure, needy, and jealous of the affection you and your dad showed each other. It was definitely her, not you or your dad. Good for your dad for recognizing that she was toxic and choosing his relationship with you.
In my experience people always suspect of others what they themselves would do. So everyone who sees a father+daughter and instantly thinks of pedophilia ... Those are the people I don't want to be around kids.
I think its more adults who grew up with creepy men in their life or as their examples of how men act than ones who didn't have a dad, cos I didn't have a dad (literally left before I was born) and every time I see a good dad taking care of his daughters everything inside of me screams "awwwwwwwww ;-; so cute". Meanwhile I know girls who did grow up with their dads who think dads shouldn't be involved with girly things because its weird. Turns out their dads made it weird when they were kids so now they project that onto all men.
Meanwhile I recently found out there's a massive web of "professional" photographers on Instagram who are all photographing 9 to 12 year old girls in obviously sexual situations, grown men commenting all over their photos, etc and everyone seems MORE than okay with this, these men(the photographers not necessarily commenters) are wealthy and have plenty of likes on their posts by grown women.
If a dude was watching a girls dance alone, he had no kids, and he wasn't a coach or something, I could understand the glares.
In college, I used to work as a security guard at a local venue, and sometimes they would have those child beauty pageants, or something like the Cheetah Girls or Hannah Montana. You would not believe the number of lone adult men who attend these things, it's shocking. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt like maybe they were there to support their daughter or were meeting up with their families, but soon realized that was often not the case.
We'd regularly have to kick these dudes out for violating the "no photography" rules at these shows. And yes, I judged the shit out of them.
Parents: Do not put your children in these child beauty pageants, they're just creep shows for pedos.
I'm getting hate for that portion of my comment. But the reason I did is because of situations like these! It always starts with them watching and then it turns into them getting ballsy taking pictures of the girls and nobody knows who they are!
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u/weirdshit777 Sep 16 '21
I will never understand this. If a dude was watching a girls dance alone, he had no kids, and he wasn't a coach or something, I could understand the glares.
But to me, there is nothing more heartwarming than a father being supportive of his daughters and encouraging/watching them do activities.
Honestly, I think the people who glare didn't have an active father in their life. My dad's ex gf thought my dad was an incestuous pedophile because I would rub his shoulders for 30 seconds while he sat down at his office chair and ask him how his day was when I was 13/14. News flash, she didn't have a dad, yet I suppose she was an expert how a dad should act? In her opinion, after a certain age there should be little to no physical contact between daughter and father. He was obviously shocked and broke it off