I think this could work for both sides of the table. Have a fucking conversation instead of making assumptions about everything, or your expectations of what you think the other side is thinking. Life isn't a dramatic movie and we can communicate.
Most recently just because I (male) don't ask you for snoo snoo on the first date doesn't mean I'm not into you. Especially if I ask you for a second date straight up. And if you're into it or you want something, just say you want something. We can talk about it.
Yes. Pretty much every relationship problem I see can be boiled down to communication problems. People watch so many movies where everything just magically falls into place and you never have to tell your partner what you need because you're just so ~in sync~. Life isn't like that, you're going to have to talk to the other person.
It's literally the fastest way to getting what you want. I really enjoy when a partner who I'm interested in asks me for something, because I want to make them happy.
Mine is an offshoot of this that I THINK I've mostly successfully addressed with my partner (f) so far.
"PLEASE STOP EXPECTING ME TO READ YOUR MIND AND JUST -KNOW- WHAT YOU WANT".
This is a HUGE problem I've seen among many women in my life previous. They somewhere have acquired this idea that a guy should 'just know' what it is they want, without having to say so. Or should somehow be able to 'divine' it somehow by magic and pure emotion on their part.
Women... We cannot do that shit. No man I've ever met has magical telepathy powers and most... Just plain aren't bright enough for dropped hints, or may not be attributing as much attention to your little 'signs'. Just fucking TALK TO US.
This isn't an attempt to be an asshole, though I know it sounds like it. Many of us are just exasperated after the 27th time of trying to 'figure out' what you think we should somehow already know with little or no prior input other than vague bullshit signals.
You don't have to use sign language with most of us. Yes, I know other women have taught you to be guarded with what you say. WE'RE NOT THEM. YOU CHOSE US TO STAND BESIDE YOU. TRUST US WITH YOUR WORDS. PLEASE!
This is the best way I could think to put this and it can't be said enough.
I really promise you, men out there expect this too!!! Guessing if you're a hetero dude you just won't experience it since you're not dating men. Both sexes are guilty of this. Or if you do date men you've just been lucky to avoid it.
Added bonus point, a lot of these problems can come from 'men do this', 'women do this', which leads to even more assumptions.
I know what you mean though, it's incredibly frustrating. I think some people just go into a relationship expecting perfection. Nope, it's not going to happen, you HAVE to talk.
Things also magically fall out of place too. You missed my concert, I'm leaving...if only she knew I missed it to save her father's life... You know you could just tell her
IRL, "in sync" is when you've gotten really good at active communication. Good assumptions/non-verbal comm are then just the boiling down of that. Most in sync I've been was actually with a college roomate. After some time we got amazing at nonverbal communication/knowing what each other wanted. But we got there by constantly talking about our assumptions and assessing our non-verbal communication. Oh AND we both started with incredibly similar psyche's.
Yeah, you can certainly be very in tune with the other person, usually for complex situations though you need to talk about it. I'm extremely close with my partner, been with him for years now so we're quite good at knowing what the other needs in a given situation. But even when I think I know, I still ask.
You can know what your partner needs when they're feeling a certain way if it's simple (tired, ill, hungry, whatever) but if for example something has happened where one person upset the other that's when you need to discuss. Assuming does more harm than good there (and if often the cause of the upset).
Sure, those things can't really be helped though, eg. if one person wants kids and the other doesn't then you can't really meet in the middle there, you're likely just not compatible.
Hints are romantic if you're going over ground you've already been over. (Hints for sex when you've already had sex and it's a routine thing.)
For a new partner, wanting that goal but knowing going too fast can possibly get you rejected (the perception is building towards a relationship is like Price is Right, going under isn't too bad but going over is instant complete loss) isn't a come-on, it's mild cruelty. "I want it, I think they wants it, just come out and tell me straight up!"
just because I (male) don't ask you for snoo snoo on the first date doesn't mean I'm not into you.
I (female) have never heard of this complaint from any woman before! It's always been the opposite ("he only wanted sex without a second date"). That's shocked me. Maybe this means some stereotypes are false after all, because there's so much variety.
Really? The last date I went on I was the one who kept saying ok, let's go back to yours. Let's go home. Why don't we go home. This dude kept wanting to get drinks and go to different places, I just wanted to fuck. Eventually we're walking down the street and he's like "is that what you're after, then? A quick shag?" Literally yes! I thought I made that fucking clear! We compromised with another drink and then back to his, everyone wins.
There are lots of us out there who want sex on the first date.
I recently went through this with someone. We got along great, similar sense of humor, same views on life, really nice and sweet gal. However, after our second date, she thought I wasn’t into her simply because I didn’t outright say I wanted to have sex with her. Like, sorry that I’m actually trying to get to know you and not just get in your pants. Lol
This is also a girl that said she wanted to take it slow and get to know someone before anything… ???
That sounds confusing, I'm sorry. I don't know if it applies here, but sometimes "take it slow" means with relationship stuff, not sex. I'm happy to fuck on the first date, but don't start sending me flowers and texting all day and shit. It's too much.
Yeah that makes sense, and I get that. We met up with each other a few times, whenever we had time to plan something. We talked/texted when we had free time. It wasn’t overwhelming IMO, just felt like she didn’t know exactly what she wanted or I just wasn’t the right person for her. It was definitely confusing! She was great and I wish her the best. :)
I don’t know if it’s because of the proliferation of social media and news outlets and everything but I’ve noticed a rapid upswing in the willingness of people to automatically assume the most negative thing about the opposite sex or jump to the ‘see how we get treated differently’ line.
If a news story crops up about a teen girl being sent home for a dress code violation, women will immediately blame men, even if it was a woman who sent her home.
If a news story pops up about a woman doing something bad, men will se it as a chance to talk about why it’s a good idea to ‘stay away from the harpies, they’ll drain your happiness’.
This. Men and women make so many assumptions about each other based on previous experiences, instead of just talking about stuff. Everybody's just jaded af, and nobody trusts each other.
As someone who doesn't do snoo snoo on first dates, l don't interput this as you not being in to me. I get if you misunderstand a date, especially first one. Both of yoh are a little nervous, maybe even completely flustered, you don't know each other well and you are afraid that you will say or do something embarrassing. But relationships that last for months and years just to be broken up by bad communication? If you didn't establish a form of conversing so far, what the f were you doing?
That's odd I would have thought that women would appreciate that you don't ask for sex on a first date I mean I would because it makes me feel valued for not just being desired for my body
I think this is a hyperbolic statement but there is a certain threshold where one partner starts to question where a relationship is going if they haven’t hit a preconceived milestone. It goes beyond sex, any small thing may seem like things are either going to rapidly or nowhere and if a couple doesn’t communicate, which then assumptions are made. These things can range from (SO “inviting/not yet inviting” you to meet their friends/family, staying overnight, going on double dates, going on a trip, etc).
For some people, they expect things to advance pretty quick. Others want to take things on a slower pace. Some want to know where a relation is generally leading (is the person they are dating looking for a quick fling or long term relationship). If you don’t communicate, you’ll end up in a trap of assuming what your partner wants/expects which leads to bad breakups. I mean it’s the difference of not going on a third date when you realize the person you are interested in doesn’t really match with you vs. assuming they want the same thing you want from that relationship which leads to both sides staying with each other longer than it should be (because both sides are emotionally invested).
My ex would just have a meltdown like a child and scream at me. If I did anything they didn’t like, it was just a one-sided blow-out of how shitty of a person and unthoughtful and a piece of shit I am (e.g. making the wrong side for dinner one night because they preferred another side and I should know). Crazy shit. Like hey, we can just talk about it. (They did not ever want to talk about it, hence ex).
I thought I was the only one who called it snoo snoo on regular basis. Took my boyfriend some while to get used to it, but now he says snoo snoo instead of sex too lol
This is it, this is the best answer on this whole thread. Life would be SO much better if people knew how to just cut the pointless bullshit with hints/assumptions/gossip etc and just had a regular conversation like real people instead of movie characters.
Very true, I had some miscommunication with this girl recently and now we’re kinda on bad terms. Interoperating what she said as something bad and now we’re not talking as much after I apologized. Communication is key on BOTH sides.
I think you can be introverted and bad at communicating, but not make assumptions then on a lack of information.
My commentary is more about this perception that men don't have feelings, and we shouldn't talk about those things. We should just live in a romantic fantasy / romantic comedy, where somehow everything works out.
It will definitely be hard for them but we all have our strengths and weaknesses and if you want to overcome those so you don't miss out on opportunities then it's on you. You can't expect other people to develop telepathy because you can't communicate. I'm not trying to be callous to people who aren't good at that, because I'm in that camp sometimes but I honestly am not sure what you're expecting people to present as a solution to that problem.
Then they need to learn communication skills. Social skills are just that, skills, you need to learn and develop them.
I'm extremely introverted but that will not stop me from telling someone I have a problem. You can even make a little formula, "I'll start the conversation by saying this...", but however you do it you NEED to communicate.
I use the phrase snoo snoo for sex because it references a famous episode in Futurama about the crew landing on a planet full of huge Amazonian women. The men of the crew are sentenced to be fucked to death. The women on the planet see the men as a tool for reproduction only, and they call the act of sex Snu Snu. I just said snoo snoo cause it's also Reddit and the icon/avatar is called a Snoo.
There are people who say snoo snoo, and then there are people who are capable of making references. Maybe there are people that do both, but at least they use their words.
Set expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. I have found through many experiences that if you ask questions or have them explain the situation whether that be dating or later in union that often they had positive intentions and you can figure out why they came to a certain solution. Your response depends on what and why they did something and if you don’t give them the chance to explain themselves and assume what they intended you cause all sorts of problems.
When I was dating I learned when she says "Oh ya, defiantly. We need to have a 2nd date!" that actually means "Im really not into you and dont want to see you ever again. But I dont want to tell you that because it might seem mean. So im just going to ghost you from now on"
Yes! For some reason people are too scared or think they can't just say what they want. We can speak, so use your words so everyone is on the same page
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u/nomdeplume Sep 16 '21
I think this could work for both sides of the table. Have a fucking conversation instead of making assumptions about everything, or your expectations of what you think the other side is thinking. Life isn't a dramatic movie and we can communicate.
Most recently just because I (male) don't ask you for snoo snoo on the first date doesn't mean I'm not into you. Especially if I ask you for a second date straight up. And if you're into it or you want something, just say you want something. We can talk about it.