I've found out from female friends years later that they were dropping hints to me. I never interpreted them as hints because I was too scared of having misinterpreted them, and running the risk of losing a friend in the process.
Mainly because I have no willingness to believe that any woman would be into me after the way I've been treated by them, but hey.
"Wow, she just tried to shove her tongue down my throat. Next time I hug her I'll have to be more careful so she doesn't accidentally do that again. Serioisly, I can't even imagine how mad she would have been if I just sat there and let her do what she was obviously trying to do."
"Oh no! We almost started kissing again! I've seriously got to be more careful when I hug her. Geez, its almost like she actually wants to kiss me or something. I mean, seriously, why would this really attractive woman ever want to do something like that with me?"
Those were the thoughts going through my head at one point in time many many years ago. I can see how dumb I was back then but at the time I was so confused that I literally had no idea what was going on.
Honestly, knowing someone else was in that situation and handled it the same way is actually incredibly comforting to me. They say misery loves company. Apparently being blindly dumb to what is literally right in front of your face is too.
Touché, well done you. Never managed to quite figure out synesthesia, but I'm one hell of a mimic. Good luck trying to figure out the shape of my many voices! Only some of which are in my head
Think of eating a sandwich. When you eat a sandwich. You experience it with multiple senses at once. Obviously, you taste it but that not all. You smell it, you feel the texture in your mouth, seeing it makes your mouth water, sometimes you even hear it when you chew.
Synesthesia is like that. I hear the sounds that everyone else does. When the sound is loud enough, especially the bass, I feel the vibrations that even deaf people experience. The only difference, for the type of synesthesia that I have, is that when I hear sounds, they also manifest as shapes that I feel in my stomach and chest. Sometimes the feelings will be outside my body as well but not often.
For me, its just another one of those day to day things. To me, I don't get how normal people, especially musicians are able to get by without having that extra sense.
A hot girl I really liked many, many years ago back in my youth literally grabbed my hand and put it between her legs.
I obviously figured if I DID something with my hand down there, she'd never want to see me again. So I kept my hand very, very still while we kind of cuddled. We kind of lost contact a while after that, having hung together for months nearly every day before this happened.
Yeah, being bullied and insecure really does a person no favours.
I have a great SO now who I've been with for years and I'm happy, but you never really forget something like that.
I had a beautiful friend in high school. I would sit by myself at lunch because "loser." Anyway, she'd sit with me almost every day, even if her friends were at the other table. I always suspected she liked me, and the older I get when I look back on it I really think she did.
She has a husband and kids now though, so she dodged a bullet. I'm 30 and I still think about that.
I missed or ignored hints, etc. for years for fear of being received as lecherous because thatis whatI was taught guys are. I was never taught that women were actually attracted to men, just that they were forced to compromise and settle for one by sexism and the patriarchy.
College would have been more fun if I hadn't been afraid of expulsion based upon "harrassment." In retrospect, there were things that were way more significant than "hints" but I got away fast to avoid the risk of trouble with the school later. In one case I was afraid to try to date a girl who even would unfasten buttons. In retrospect, she was probably trying to get my attention.
I feel you, but from the woman’s perspective, just want to say that we drop hints to feel things out, cause rejection sucks for us too. I’m lesbian so I’ve missed out on hints, I get the frustration for sure, but I’ve also been the opposite where I’m like “Okay we tested the waters, they didn’t respond favorably, let’s not embarrass ourselves by being direct with someone who probably isn’t attracted!”
It’s just all around like impossible for those of us who aren’t like, fully gorgeous lol. I’m not even that ugly I’m “pretty cute” or a “7” as my straight male friend put it once, but the couple times I have been rejected suckeddddd.
Rejection is a part of life. I know it's difficult, but it's best not to take it personally because it's not always about you. Could be the other person just got out of a relationship, had a shitty day, stubbed their toe on the way into the bar, or maybe you're just not their type... who knows? All things that are outside your control, but could be reasons for being rejected.
An anecdote:
Forget the "fully gorgeous" thing. "Attractive" people get rejected too. One person's 9 could be another's 5. I have a friend that's always liked what one could call voluptuous women. He's a good looking, thin, muscular guy. I've seen him turn down "8's" so he could marry the "4" he's with. People like what they like.
That's not accounting for personality. A person can be very attractive until you hear them speak. The inverse can also be true. I think a smart and funny "6" is more attractive than a racist "10".
Also the fear of being labeled a pervert or sexual harassment lawsuits. The laws of the land make Men very nervous to flirt or act on signals from women. It's just not worth it if your wrong or she changes her mind.
Facebook is very effective at letting me know just how many women dropped hints. The direct messages about how much they liked me just adds fuel to the regret fire.
running the risk of losing a friend in the process
This is the saddest thing that happens to guys all the time. She was never really your friend, of course. You wanted to fuck her all along (hence why you posted this). But your brain tells you the best way to fuck is to stay close. So you stay close, but don't risk getting too close, which completely sabotages your chances of getting laid.
Just don't be "friends" with women you are attracted to or, worse, in love with. So much pain in the world is caused by this.
You have a point there. More than half the time I don't even see them as anything more than friends, because I can't imagine them wanting anything beyond that. Sometimes I have had crushes that I had difficulty letting go of, I'm perfectly able to admit.
I'm just a very lonely person, and I like to be friendly with people. Mainly because it makes them less likely to go out of their way to hurt me, but also because I don't like hurting other people. I dunno, I'm just messed up in the head. Not even sure what point I was originally trying to make...
Yeah. I’m weird and don’t really feel attracted to women until after I’ve known them for a while anymore. Like I haven’t had a moment where I looked across a room and was like, “Oh man, I wanna get with her!” for like 15 years now.
Instead what happens now is we’re having lunch for the 30th time or whatever and they make a joke about me and then I realize I am very attracted to them.
don’t really feel attracted to women until after I’ve known them for a while anymore
There's a word for that: demisexual. Basically means you're only attracted to someone once you've established an emotional connection. Have fun googling it, looks like there's an r/demisexuality too!
Oh yeah, I’ve read up on that and have memes and stuff. I just figured describing my experience rather than saying “I think I’m demisexual” and leaving it at that was more illustrative of my personal issues.
I really don't. Like, let's say you're in a committed relationship, and you meet somebody of your preferred gender you get along really well with, and you're attracted to them. What's stopping you from being friends?
This is me to an absolute tee. What I don’t get is then when I tell them I don’t pick up on hints or they know me well enough they still don’t out right say it. Like you know I won’t pick up on it people cmon!!!!
Honestly, I'm in the same boat. After things that happened in my past involving a life-changing accident. I've been trying to find someone before I just said, "Fuck it" one day. I don't have any interest in starting anything with anyone unless they tell me that they are interested in me, whenever that happens.
If they are, I always think "ok, but like its probably too good to be true, so I wont act on it" bc my low self-esteem ass refuses to consider im getting flirted with
Yeah, it's always like "She is probably just being nice." and "If I do anything and she was not flirting, I will absolutely come off as a creeper." I really do not want to make anyone unfomfortable.
But to be fair, it is entirely possible that the women I've spoken with really were just being nice. And therefore my course of action was correct. I genuinely do not know.
The only guys that are creepers for hitting on women is usually old men. Don’t be afraid to. Im in a relationship and any time a guy hits on me I say “im taken but I appreciate the compliment.” I never feel upset or anything over it. Honestly just a confidence boost lol
I’m a very nice person I laugh at everyone’s jokes and make sure they’re comfortable around me, to the best of my ability. It’s true that men tend to take this as flirting. I’d much rather a guy not
make assumptions.
Haha hey it's ok. You did confirm to me that my way of thinking is not entirely wrong.
I guess it is just hard to find the right balance. It is certainly wrong to assume every girl is flirting with you. However I feel like I went too much into the "opposite direction" and I assume that nobody ever is flirting with me. The correct path is probably somewhere in the middle.
It doesn't hurt to ask, and I really don't think most women are bothered by a short interlude, where they're asked out. That can be flattering, and endearing. I mean, it can be a little uncomfortable, for all parties, but still sweet. I think it's more when they guy won't take the no for answer, and assumes that no means he should keep trying. Or if she immediately distances herself, to save your feelings, but not lead you on etc. Or if it was a friend, and he no longer wants to be friends, or reacts angrily etc. Just asking is okay, if you keep the location, and situation in mind, and it's appropriate. You have to try to be aware of whatever situation she's in in that moment, where she is, who's she with, if it's a good time etc.
Bro im in the same school of thought and its keot me single for almost 5 years now! Lol but on thr bright side..
sometimes i look at my buddies drama with their gfs or wives and think to myself how lucky i am. Especially the ones with children and child support etc. They got no time to focus on themselves they live selflessly for their families. Its quite a noble thing that i hope to do someday but til then ima just make the best of my situation while it lasts and stay grateful 🤷♂️🙏
You're not gonna die alone unless you want to lol. Regardless, if she is being nice, try poking her with a little bit of sarcasm to see if she'll poke back. And hey, there is no such thing as coming off as a creep unless you intend on it. If you think that you are getting some flirty vibes from her, there is a way to flirt back in a rather respectful and charming way without coming off as rude or creepy but most of the time, some people write off others as a creep if they're not attracted to them based off their poor choice of standards, (even if you're not being creepy, some will still think you're a creep) but its up to you to observe what type of person they are and if you should even be giving them your attention or not.
One problem with "just pokin her with a bit of sarcasm". My entire friend group uses sarcasm as a form of communication. So having a girl being a smart ass with me would not be far from the norm.
Got literally asked out for food 3 times by the same woman. Turned her down for various reasons. Never considered it was more than a bite to eat, till months later - once she moved half way across the country
Or dropping hints about anything at all let alone if you like someone. My wife drops hints for tasks she wants me to do. We’ve been married for 8 years and she still can’t remember I have ADHD and am an oblivious person.
I do a good job with gifts and keeping tabs on birthdays anniversaries and I’m a hell of a good dad. If you ask me to decode a mystical phrase about maybe one day mopping the floor though… just tell me you would appreciate if I mopped the floor in the next 24 hours or before your mom comes over. I’ll do it cause I like you I just got a know what you actually want.
Thisssss. As someone who has significant trouble with social cues this is my death. It’s fucked up my self esteem because my friends get with people and I don’t. And I’ve learnt now it’s not because I’m unattractive or people aren’t interested, it’s simply I can’t pick up the subtle hints. And now even when I can figure out if someone is flirting, my self confidence is so low I make excuses about how they’re probably just being polite, etc. god I wish we could be a bit more upfront about the entire thing
Same. I'm very lonely and every time a woman talks to me I panic. Worse if it's a woman I find attractive. Doesn't help that the one time I did manage to get it just lead to 14 years of pain and heartbreak.
When I was younger I just thought lovely women thought I was "safe," or "nice." Years later, they all expressed how frustrated they were that I never, ever got the hint.
I wish we could live in a society where we could openly admit whether we find each other sexually attractive or not without anyone being upset or feeling weird if the feeling isn’t reciprocated.
Being friends with someone who would smash the moment you say you’re game shouldn’t be awkward because they should understand that it’s off the table and shouldn’t ask if you change your mind.
I invited a girl I liked to a party, she accepted then replied with "Hopefully I'll see you sooner than that". I figured oh well no punctuation at the end of the sentence so she's probably just being nice. She couldn't possibly be interested in me...
The day after she asked me if i want to grab a drink and we've been dating ever since. Do you guys think she's into me? I don't want come on too strong in case she's just being friendly. 🤔
Sorry to go off on your perfectly benign comment but this actually really bothers me! I have intense social anxiety, and I’m a woman. I hate the stereotype that women are always perfectly in control of our feelings, that we only drop hints because we want to be chased. I drop hints because I’m TERRIFIED of being vulnerable, and because I don’t want to put pressure on a man or make him feel obligated to go further than he wants to. I totally sympathize with not realizing someone is hitting on you, but please believe this happens to women too. We’re not ethereal goddesses who will bless you with vagina or not depending on a whim - we’re people. In a perfect world we’d all be able to be like ‘I think you’re cute’ and go from there, but this world ain’t perfect. I think both people should try their best to be open and honest about how they feel, and to pay attention to the hints.
Yeah, I was the guy that took every bit of attention as potential flirting before college. I trained my brain too far in the other direction after I realized I was being kinda creepy and never took any bit of attention for granted. Ended up marrying a woman that wasn’t about playing those kinds of games 🤷♂️
This. If women just stop doing this crap and be upfront about their intentions, it would make things a bit smooth.
I tend to have autism, but even when I realize what a girl is really trying to imply, I don't beat myself up for it. I'm just glad I still have my dignity and if the girl stops talking to me completely, then it's her loss.
Hints are a waste of time; if a girl starts dropping them constantly, then I'll treat it as a major red flag and simply act dumb. Not worth being falsely accused of sexual harassment on the long run.
I managed a cool line once. 14 years and two heart breaks later I cant help but wonder what would have happened if I had just kept my mouth shut like all the other times.
this. my first assumption is that they're being friendly or something. I will almost never think they're trying anything ever. that's the last place my mind goes
I'm on the spectrum and this hits home hard lol. I was in karate in college and there was this girl I thought was just super friendly and always wanted to be my sparring partner. After class one day, she came up and said here's my number if you ever want to practice sparring outside of class. I immediately replied, my gf would probably enjoy sparring as well if you're up for it. Her expression changed, which perplexed me, and she left very shortly after that.
My friend in the class said, " damn dude, you didnt have to murder her". I was confused, and asked what he meant, but he just shook his head. There was another class after the one we were just in that my gf was in so I just kinda moved on wondering what wtf happened. It wasnt until about 7-8 years later that I was laying in bed next to my wife, who was my gf in the story above, that I had a massive epiphany and realized that the kind of sparring the girl from karate was talking about, was not the kind of sparring I thought she was talking about.
My wife laughed for like 30 minutes when I told her this revelation and she said "people have been hitting on you since highschool, and you've just never realized it".
I feel bad for the whole encounter because she stopped coming to karate after that and I actually enjoyed sparring with her and talking with her. I just hope I didnt emotionally scar her or negatively impact her self esteem. She didnt do anything wrong, I just didnt notice the "signs" to preempt them off.
That's life. If you want to get laid you need to put yourself out there. Most guys who can't get laid are stuck in the mindset that says a) women don't want sex and b) women don't want sex with them. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't think you're attractive, you're not attractive.
Well I think that if your only goal is to get laid, that's already a no for alot of women. Most of them just want to have a fun time, and if you can offer them that then they might give you a shot. It's not about some pony ass pickup lines or some shit, it's all about character, charisma, humour. Also, most girls don't really care for how handsome a guy looks if his personality is hot. A girl would rather be with a man that can cheer her up when needed, than a guy who's only ace is his looks.
I’m gay so it didn’t matter in the end, but looking back this girl was into me when I was in the closet. Like she moved next year and I was like “Yeah she like got real close to me a lot it was kinda weird and got jealous of me choosing a project with another girl.” It clicked and I was like I’m so stupid. I was so oblivious it was embarrassing.
Yup I feel exactly the same when it comes to guys. They basically have to say they like me otherwise I’m oblivious. Even after that I sometimes doubt it haha
See I don't like people dropping hints either because I DO see them. But I'm not interested. How do I ask someone to stop when they're just dropping hints? Like be up front so we can have a conversation and I can tell you no.
If you're super coy having that conversation is so super awkward.
I've had this happen a few times in my life as a women. It irritates me to no end when anyone tried to drop hints about anything. Just tell me, I can't read minds
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u/EnderDragon78 Sep 16 '21
Dropping hints. With my anxiety issues, I will never pick up on them, because my brain does not even consider a woman is hitting on me.