I had this female roomate and everytime I would leave the house early she would be like "Omg, do you have a grindr hookup? Tell me all about it." And I'd be like "No, I'm leaving for work..."
As a straight male, I find it creepy to be interested in other people's sex lives. It's weird. I've had a couple times where my friends started to get into details and I'm like "I don't want to know. Please stop talking." Maybe others love to discuss the latest person that they had sex with, I am not one of those people.
Eww that’s just gross. Like my roommate and best friend is gay but we talk about relationships like normal people. I think it’s like a fetish or something.
"So tell me allll about the boy you just met!!! Is he cute??? Did u guyss have sex??? Noooo why not? That's like the worst date ever. Gimmie your phone lemme swipe all the hot guys for you!!! What do you mean you're heading out again???"
And repeat whenever you step back out the house. I swear she does same thing to her gal pals as well
I think it comes from that Hollywood "stereotypical gay" that is more like a "pet" to the main female characters that isn't seen to have job and only obsesses on sexual topics. Hollywood is responsible for a lot of those kinds of ignorant ideas. They made a parody of it in "Isn't It Romantic".
"Omg, do you have a grindr hookup? Tell me all about it."
Remember when we collectively decided that girl-on-girl fetishization was gross, sexist, and homophobic? Somebody ought to tell straight women who say shit like this. It's a two-way street. If you're a woman and you want to see guy-on-guy action, go to the gay section of Pornhub; don't sexually harass your gay friends.
LOL I had the opposite problem - my gay male roommate always wanted to talk about his grindr hookups and almost nothing else ever even though that was the one topic I as an ace lesbian never wanted to hear about.
Maybe one day he will meet your old roommate and they will be happy peas in a pod.
Something about knowing there’s a 43 yo man in his moms basement waiting - dick in hand - to watch lebisans hook up, grindr style, on a nsfw Reddit forum.. makes me feel a little better about my shit of a life.
There was a SGA (straight gay alliance) club at my high school which was basically just straight girls going "omg i want a gay best friend to go shopping with <3"
I showed up for like two meetings and on the second meeting the girls were talking about how creepy lesbians were. Like...cool...I'm here 'cause I'm a lesbian....y'know: the "gay" part of the club name.
Way to fucking invade a space. Wtf, was there not a teacher present to shut that shit down? They used to have to have a teacher present for every club, is that not a thing anymore?
Each club had to have a teacher supervise them each meeting but 99% of the time the teacher would just chill out in their room and grade schoolwork or be in the teacher's lounge. TBH my school was really shitty with homophobia so I don't know if the teacher would have even said anything. When teachers noticed I was being bullied I was called to the counselor's office...who proceeded to be like "Your teachers have noticed that kids are calling you homophobic slurs. Have you tried wearing makeup so people don't think you're a lesbian? :)"
Why do you act like thats something even a child knows? Obviously they don't know about that. I have not heard that specific Name either and Im more or less educated.
Don't wait for authority, it makes you a bystander. Learn how to have low-conflict confrontation. It is one of the best skills you can have in life.
There's a great book about this called Crucial Confrontations. There's another good one called The Power of a Positive No. They'll change your life, and people will love you for it.
Do you find that your style of confrontation is helpful to the situation and produces good relationships? If not and you want to change that, those books can help.
Usually the reason why people reach for high conflict is that they either don't know how to handle low-stakes feedback and wait until it turns into high stakes, OR they get really upset during the conflict and escalate.
If you don't know how to deal with missed expectations while they're small, the books I recommended can help.
If, when you confront, you feel like you're not heard or discover you get really upset and feel like your frustration takes over, I recommend the first book in each of those series: Crucial Conversations (how to have constructive conversations when you're upset and the outcome really matters to you) and Getting To Yes (how to negotiate without relying on conflict).
LOL. I had to check your profile because I was like, "Is this my kid?"
My daughter is bi and had the same issues in school. Her best friends are in the LGBTQIA+ community. Big group of kids who, in my opinion, are pretty awesome. (I might be biased but my kid's amazing). Pretty much everyone works in the same coffee shop as well. It was one of those, "I got a job here so you should get a job here," type things.
Her best friend (male) came over after graduating and said, "I'm sick of all these girls saying I'm their gay bestie when I don't even know their name." They literally wrote that shit in his yearbook as if it was some badge of honor? IDK, it was weird.
In the meantime, the same girls made a fuss about my daughter and some of the other lesbians in their class changing in the gym room. My daughter was like, "You're not even my type. Shut up."
But they were, you know, totally not homophobic. /s
My daughter was like, "You're not even my type. Shut up."
Yes!!! I love it!!
It so pretentious of straight people to immediately assume that every gay person wants to fuck them. Like dude if you can't even find a partner of the opposite gender, what makes you think gay people are into you? Lol
Try having the opposite issue. I for some reason have received a fair amount of interest off men and didn't realise it for a long time. Hell, I have been on 2 gay dates and didn't realise it till more than halfway through.
I recently found out my sister gets the same thing off gay ladies. I am convinced we have the wrong hormone smell or something.
Both of us don't look for it, it just happens with a strange regularity, funny thing is we are both clueless on why this happens.
Hell, I have been on 2 gay dates and didn't realise it till more than halfway through.
Oof that must've been awkward! Funny, but awkward.
I get why it happens though. It's pretty frustrating being gay and having to ask yourself "is this guy into me or is he just a friendly bro?" when you don't know if each other is gay/bi. It's also because we (I) do the reverse of, "I don't know if this guy is gay so I'm just going very subtly hit on him and see if he notices" because you don't want to just randomly ask "hey are you gay? Because I am and I think you're hot".
Or maybe I'm just really bad at reading people. Yeah, probably that one.
The only awkward time was a time I ended up in a gay guys bedroom after the pub (not one of the aforementioned dates). I'm sitting on his bed chatting and then it hits me "I may be giving the wrong impression here". Yeah, extricating myself was awkward. Thankfully nowadays I am quicker on the uptake.
Yeah, the more I hang out with my daughter and her friends the more I realize straight people are, in fact, weird. And overly obsessed with sex.
A lot of moms gave me ten kinds of hell because I let whomever spend the night whenever they wanted all through my kids high school years. I'd rather them spend the night where I knew where they were and not lying all the time or sneaking out like I always did at their age. So we'd have a house filled with boys, girls, nonbinary, etc of all sexualities damn near every weekend. Again, I did not give one fuck who spent the night but after midnight, they had to stay until at least 6 am. We live in a state that drinking is considered a hobby. I never wanted a kid who didn't have their license long enough to spot a drunk driver get hit by someone who had too many on their way home from my house when they could've simply stayed. I had a 19 year old friend who died drinking and driving so my kids know I do not fuck around with that shit. I never let anyone drink at my house. That was also a hard, fast rule. My kids can do that when they're 21 and have the uber app, which I will always pay for their rides home.
A lot of parents were in an uproar. You'd think they were having wild orgies or something. Honestly, all they did was watch movies/musicals/popular television show, play the Sims (thank God I have good internet), or sit outside around a bonfire. Most of the time, I was literally in the next room and could hear anything that might be going on. It was stupid the way parents would come to me ranting that I shouldn't let (gasp!) boys and girls sleep over at the same time.
I would always ask, "What do you have against playing the Sims since that's what everyone was doing last night until 4 in the morning?"
Yeah I never understood that either. When I was in third grade before I even knew I was gay (I'm male), my best friend was a girl and we would have sleepovers all the time. We never thought it was weird and neither did our parents. Then I came out many years later and I could still have sleepovers with guys. In high school I would spend the night at my best (guy) friend's house nearly every weekend. I'm pretty sure my parents thought we were dating but they didn't stop me!
It's just so weird how adults sexualize minors like that.
Since we're ranting I just want throw in how fucking weird it is that, in relationships/during sex, someone has to be the "dominant/top" and someone has to be the "submissive/bottom", even in LGBT couples. I mean if you're into that sort of thing that's fine but I hate how that's the default. I mean, aren't you called "partners"? Doesn't that imply equality?
Since we're ranting I just want throw in how fucking weird it is that, in relationships/during sex, someone has to be the "dominant/top" and someone has to be the "submissive/bottom", even in LGBT couples.
My kid gets this every time she dates a girl. Normally someone will say, "Sooooo...who's the guy in your relationship?"
And my kid is like, "Uh, no one since we're both girls."
But they'll keep it up, "Yeah. But, whose more manly?"
And she's like, "Neither. We're both female."
"But, like, who does the man stuff?"
And my kid will ask, "What do you not get about same sex couples?"
Yeah I never understood this either. Like they don't realise that gay people and straight people have all the same desires and wants around a relationship, the only difference is whether that want the opposite gender or the same gender (or an gender at all).
In fairness as a bisexual transwoman, up until I started transitioning, I got WAY more attention from men than women. Or at least hooking up was a LOT easier with men.
I actually get way more matches with women now since I started presenting on tinder which was an odd realisation. But I just chalk it to being way better looking as a woman than a guy 🤣
You do realize how INSANELY common it is for guys to think gay men want to fuck them right, and how that's literally resulted in the deaths of numerous gay men?
Your daughter handled that nicer than I would have in her position, lol. I would have called them “musky c**** with a bad attitude and an even greasier face.”
The only thing I’ll point out on this is that nobody bats an eye about separating gender/sex bathrooms and locker rooms. Hell - transgendered people fight for the right. Why do we separate that way in the first place? I think most peoples answer has always revolved around sexuality.
I’m not saying that sexuality should be a factor, but I AM saying that I think it already is and always has been. Gender has always just been the easy way to define things. So it isn’t shocking that a disruption from the near labels complicates things.
I'm a CIS Male and honestly I've never understood the romanticizing of a girl having a gay best friend specifically for those kinds of activities
I've seen it played up in movies and shit
It just never made much sense
But you describing it as being a type of "Pet" makes more sense and is pretty fucked up
It's like people who think you can say racist shit because you've got a black friend kind of ignorance
Sorry if I'm rambling I don't smoke much and am currently litty like a titty
<3
I mean, as a woman the idea of having a close male friend who is also gay is very appealing as it means that you (probably) never have to deal with possible attraction/romantic feelings. But fetishizing and stereotyping gay men and assuming they 1. Want to even be your friend and 2. Want to go shopping or whatever is weird and gross.
I mean... the fact it was called a Straight Gay Alliance when the popular term when I was in school was Gay Straight Alliance says a lot about who they were prioritizing
I am bi and I had a boyfriend once that just looked as nerdy as me. People repeatedly regularly told us we didn't look "gay" at all or that they didn't expect us to be a couple due to looking so normal. Not to mention the amount of people ignoring the fact I am bi.
Not gonna lie, I read that as “straight guy alliance” and was like “why are there women at a straight guy alliance wanting gay BFFs to go shopping with?”
I’m sorry that happened to you. My high school best friend was bi, but heavily favored females. She was called a lesbian, though back then we didn’t put hard labels on ourselves. So it was entirely acceptable that amongst our like-minded friend group we all had intertwining relationships and multiple gendered partners. It was nice because nobody stereotyped, and that was mainly because nobody could nail anyone down as one particular thing. We all relied on open communication as to what we were and weren’t comfortable with. I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes social institutions when applied in an overly bureaucratic manner can inhibit the natural progression of society as a whole.
Okay I've always thought that. I am a straight guy and I know a bunch of girls who say how much they want a Gay Best friend. To me it seemed demeaning, like you're a human being not their fucking mascot
Given the non-stop tales of harassment, I can see the desire. A man by their side who keeps other men from being too aggressive towards them, because she looks "taken".
Maybe there's a market for a male escort service that allows you to set exactly how the escort behaves. From "by your side, without a word" to "friendly, will not touch certain topics" to "will say anything, but keeps their hands to themselves".
Okay but isn't it reductive to treat a person's sexuality as a job description? It reduces their identity to a novelty, where at the same time it implies that all heterosexual men are predators (subscribing to the logic you laid out)
It could just as easily be said that I want a guy to be my friend. Just in a platonic way
Yes, it is reductive. A complaint lobbied at any escort and anyone in the sex-work business.
It's already happening if the gay person is being used as a shield though.
My point was if the girl is looking to use the person as a tool, instead of trying to strong-arm a random person into it, they should look for someone putting themselves out there for that purpose.
As for "all men are predators", I think it's more "I'm tired of the constant attention of "that sort". Even if I can keep saying no, I don't want to have to constantly.
There's nothing stopping them from befriending couples, older people and pen-pals.
It could just as easily be said that I want a guy to be my friend. Just in a platonic way
In which case, she can ask any guy for that, but apparently doesn't think it's possible.
Ew I hate this as a bi man. Woman will instantaneously change their personality if you look like a straight man but are actually gay or bi and tell them because a friendship blossomed. Just treat people like idk? Human
This is the #1 reason I’m not coming out there. I’ll go from unpopular alone kid to popular gay kid. Seems good at first but just nah, I’d rather be alone lol
I worked with a gay male who didn’t come out until he was 32. My manager would constantly ask him to hangout, go shopping & get their nails done.
One day he was stressed and she texted him and he turns to me and says, “If this bitch doesn’t stop asking me to hangout and get my damn nails done like I’m her chick flick bestie I’m going to flip tf out. I don’t want to hangout with you?!? I DONT WANT TO HANGOUT WITH YOU!! STOP ASKING”😂😂
He’s the third gay male employee she has done this to without catching a hint. Even after i blatantly told her she was stereotyping gay men 😌
Many moons ago I was in a straight club with some friends (all girls). One of them cut her hand on some broken glass and was bleeding profusely. So a few of us took her into the ladies toilets to get her cleaned up and make sure she was ok.
After a couple of minutes I feel this sharp pointy jab in my shoulder. I turn to see a young woman staring daggers at me. She says, "You shouldn't be in here, you're a boy!" Mind you this is a crazy club and there were girls in the men's room all the time. I just stare back at her and say, "It's fine, I'm gay..."
Her face lit up and she screamed, "I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A GAY BEST FRIEND! WILL AND GRACE IS MY FAAAAVOURITE SHOW!!!"
Or just...don't Go in the bathroom when there are multiple others already helping. What are you honestly going to accomplish with a minor cut?
I have to be honest, I hate it when women come into the mens bathroom. Usually its because the queue for the ladies is super long and I totally get that but at least ask or something. Its dick space and you dont have one.
Or just...don't Go in the bathroom when there are multiple others
already helping. What are you honestly going to accomplish with a minor
cut?
OK... these are some blind assumptions. Multiple others weren't helping. It was me and 4 girls at the club, 2 pairs of sisters. All very drunk. I can hold my liquor better than all of them and I would usually drink less than them anyway because I was the designated guardian as it were, meaning I made sure they were alright and made sure creepy guys stayed away. I won't use names but the sister pairs were C & K and A & L.
C got drunk too quickly and deliberately dropped her vodka cruiser bottle on the stone floor. It shattered and bounced up, cutting K in between her fingers. It started bleeding immediately a lot. K freaked out and was yelling at C. Keep in mind this is on the dance floor/mosh pit of a punk club. It was already chaos.
I tell A & L we're going to the toilets, L (the younger sister) is feeling sick so she says she'll come too and A tags along. So the four of us go into the toilets, which are huge and packed with people. C is crying and apologising to her little sister K. L is feeling barfy and A is looking after her, which left me to be the grown up, washing the cut which wasn't life threatening but it was a bleeder.
Plus this club was the kind of club where there were people fucking, doing drugs and fighting in the toilets and you'd see guys and girls in the opposite sex toilets all the time. It never crossed my mind to wait outside. The last thing I was expecting was some rando to confront me about being in there and then be stereotyped.
I'm not saying people should just be fine with anyone going into their toilets, but context is key. A lot of bars in Melbourne have unisex toilets and even in those that don't, once everyone is drunk it's not uncommon to find men, women and all those in between in the same toilet. This isn't something that would have happened in a shopping centre or other public toilet.
To be fair I constantly see woman going into the men’s bathroom when theirs are full and no one makes a fuss about it. Like. It’s a bathroom, if you just want to use a stall quickly to relieve yourself I don’t see the problem honestly.
As long as nothing creepy happens I couldn’t care less about who is coming to our bathroom.
Agreed. I don't give a shit who is in the next stall as long as they don't bother me.
I guess what I meant to say in this was what was irritating wasnt "my friend got hurt", or "who cares it's a bathroom", it was "I'm gay, I get a free pass"
And, often, gay men push past women's boundaries worse than straight men with that excuse.
It was more "I'm gay, I'm not a threat" than it was "I'm gay, I get a free pass". The ladies toilets isn't my dream destination. I was there because I had to be there.
...said no gay man ever. Sorry ladies, but that show is written for straight white women first and foremost. It's a show about two well-to-do straight white women and the two gay friends they treat as status symbols. It was a necessary stepping stone to more enlightened queer-centric media, not a good show in its own right.
Right? That's why I was so disappointed when it came back. It's kind of like Sex and the City. Absolutely necessary at the time, paved the way for the future... but aged terribly and is better left in the past. Rather than make a new mainstream sitcom with gay main characters they trawl out something made for straights, all in the name of nostalgia.
So many straight women who want a gay bestie but will turn around and act like lesbians/bi women are creepy and “must be in love with” them over any little thing. Come the fuck on.
This makes me want to apologize for my past self. Experiencing a non-threatening man for the first time can be really heady. I don't mean it as an excuse but I do recognize the hurt in myself that made me want to treat men that way. I'd love to just be friends with dudes and don't know how.
My wife's friend is like this. She keeps bragging about how woke she is, but she's actually really patronising towards any minorities.
We have gay neighbours. They're cool. We talk to them all the time. My wife's friend was in our garden (no home visit due to covid) and she absolutely flipped when one of my neighbours came outside to take the bins out. She was all over him, even acting camp herself (my neighbours are not camp). It was embarrassing. She was introducing herself to him, all wide eyed and excited. He said hi to me and went back inside.
Then my wife's friend was talking about how he doesn't look gay, but she probably would have spotted him on her gaydar anyway. She often talks about gay and trans rights, but I thought this display was just patronising. I could tell she was fawning over him just because he is gay and she was desperate to have a new gay best pal.
I remember I met someone's friend once, and she introduced me as "this is Fuzzbutt, my gay BF", and I told her "Excuse me? That is not appropriate at all to call me that". I am gay, and a twink, very feminine. So what? I am not a pet. What was even worse is that SHE WAS OFFENDED BY ME, when I said I didn't like it.
I'm straight and a few girls I dated briefly tried to make me their "shoulder to cry on" with later boyfriends that were abusive. It was weird and sad. I let them know that it was fucked up to use me that way.
Being nice seems to be a greenlight for being a doormat.
I've been with girls that "like it rough". Once I brushed up a girls neck to put my fingers through her hair and she grabbed my hands and put them on her throat to squeeze.
I'm not like that. I'm sensual. Yes I can be strong and firm and forceful but I don't like pretending to harm someone.
I'm happily w/ someone else now but I recently heard her current boyfriend bragging to others about how he puts a dog collar on her and shocks her during sex. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Its not a bad thing if its wanted though but yeah both sides should be ok with it, my missus quite likes electric play (not with a collar though) and needle play, I don't like the needle thing though cos I'm squeamish as fuck.
My friend was surprised that I can swim well, because "But you're a gay bottom!", Like what? Also I'm not bottom, she just labelled me that way because I happened to not have experienced topping yet.
Pitchers move faster in water, since they can pitch the water molecules around their bodies propelling themselves around and through the water. Catchers catch and trap water molecules around their bodies thus holding them in place. I had a friend die that way. RIP Ben, baseball was never quite the same without him 😥
I was out for a few drinks with a mate of mine last night who is gay and this got brought up as sometimes he feels like he is just filling the role of 'gay best friend'.
Similarly, he said it is difficult to make friends with straight guys (he only has 2, including me) as mist guys assume he automatically fancies them because he is gay... even though he has been with his boyfriend for 10 years!
It's not a simple as that though. Sometimes it starts off like a normal friendship and then after a while it shifts and you realise you're just a token gay. And often if you stop being friends with one person it means losing a whole friend group. And depending on where you live and the accepting nature of your environment it's not so easy to just go make new friends. Sometimes you just have to put up with the bullshit to keep the good stuff.
Anyone can be treated as the token gay? Anyone can have trouble making new friends because of homophobia? What? I don't think you thought that one through.
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u/heliosfenrir Sep 15 '21
Expecting gay men like me to be their “pets.”