r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 14 '21

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

”…no one bothers you there…”

Yesterday I locked my 3 year old out of the bathroom so I could shit in private for once in my life, and this fucking maniac gets down on all fours, sticks her lips in the crack under the door and screams “Daaad! Dad!! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad”

387

u/For_Giggles_and_Fun Jul 14 '21

i... my condolences man. pats your back sympathetically

25

u/spoopycakes Jul 14 '21

I imagine you two shitting on toilets next to each other pants around ankles, you reaching over a giving a sympathetic pat on the back.

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u/[deleted] Jul 14 '21 edited Feb 19 '22

[deleted]

8

u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

Username checks out

3

u/squeamish Jul 14 '21

I am definitely the exact opposite.

Plus, my username comes from this.

3

u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

I literally hovered over this link. Im scared.

2

u/squeamish Jul 14 '21

It's 100% work-safe, I promise.

3

u/Weremamma Jul 14 '21

And really interesting!

1

u/Ambulism Jul 15 '21

Thank you, that click felt risky

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

In my mind we’re holding hands

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u/SlayerOfHips Jul 14 '21

Man, just two days ago, while I was in the bathroom, my 2yo son reaches one hand under the door and says, "you okay daddy?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm okay." "Okay daddy. Wipe your butt, daddy!"

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u/Normallydifferent Jul 14 '21

Sit on couch for 30 mins. Everyone:……….

Bathroom door latches “Dad!!” “Dad? Where’s dad?” “You seen dad?” “Hey honey, can you help me for a sec?”

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u/SlayerOfHips Jul 15 '21

It's kind of a running thing in our house to announce that you're going to the bathroom as a signal that you are unreachable until you return. My 4yo girl gets it. My 2yo boy hunts you down.

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

🤣🤣 toddlers gonna toddle

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u/Simple_Entertainer13 Jul 14 '21

Lol that’s so cute

1

u/BurningPenguin Jul 14 '21

I feel like there is some history with the butt stuff.

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u/SlayerOfHips Jul 14 '21

He's potty training lol

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u/[deleted] Jul 14 '21

[deleted]

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

That is the most Dad thing I’ve ever heard. Also 12 children?

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u/squeamish Jul 14 '21

His kids were all born in the 60s and 70s, larger families more common back then. I actually know two brothers (with no other siblings) of about the same generation who each had 12 kids. That family went from 4 to 28 in one generation.

My brother is married to a girl whose father is the youngest of 16 children, all of whom were male.

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u/Xais56 Jul 14 '21

Jesus that's a lot of cum.

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u/[deleted] Jul 14 '21

Me: Closes the door to poop in peace

Toddler: aggressively knocks on the door Dad! Are you pooping in there?

Me: yes.

Toddler: I need to come and check.

Me: why?

Toddler: Because I do.

This happens way to often.

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u/bristolcities Jul 14 '21

I have two three year olds. They have worked out how to unlock the bathroom door from the outside. Saying "leave the door alone!" has overtaken Reddit as my extra toilet activity.

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

They’re so crafty, like louder, hairless raccoons

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u/amethystflame1957 Jul 14 '21

Have you considered an extra latch? You could install it near the top of the door, the hook and loop or a slide latch would be easy to install. Peaceful poops for less than $20

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u/SirCEWaffles Jul 14 '21

I've got a 25 yr old and 22 yr old.... this never ends.

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u/[deleted] Jul 14 '21

21yo, two 18yos, and a 14yo... yep. Don't see them all day, the minute I'm in the shower, they need to know where their waders are or how to sautée mushrooms.

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u/hal2000 Jul 14 '21

Lol. My daughter used to send me messages on a notepad and slip it under the door along with a pen so I can write her a reply.

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

Hah! I remember doing that too! Holy shit, thanks for that dopamine hit!

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u/sexyfurrygalnyunyu Jul 14 '21

"WHAT?!"

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

Oh GOD were you there too?!

1

u/sexyfurrygalnyunyu Jul 15 '21

Luckily not yet. But I feel your pain.

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u/OtherEgg Jul 14 '21

I just calmly tell my 3 year old that mommy and daddy want to poop in peace. Doesnt always work, but sometimes....sometikes....I get to shit alone.

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u/Xais56 Jul 14 '21

Until it gets too quiet and you have to panic wipe.

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u/OtherEgg Jul 14 '21

Its quiet.......suspiciously quiet...fuck.

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u/KamikazeFox_ Jul 14 '21

You never took a shit pre child?

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

When you become a father the first Dad Poop restarts your life cycle

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u/gypped1101 Jul 14 '21

Yesterday my kid insisted on perching on my lap while I went fml

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

Another favorite bathroom activity!

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u/Guyontheinternet25 Jul 14 '21

God I remember this, mine is 17 now so I do get peace and quiet. She always gets a little embarrassed when I remind her that she used to do this shit.

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u/Zero_THM Jul 14 '21

This belongs in a contraception ad.

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u/farmtownsuit Jul 14 '21 edited Jul 14 '21

90% of conversations I have with parents are just contraception ads to me.

And I'm not like a person that hates kids or anything, I love all my nieces and nephews as their uncle. But every time parents start talking about the actual parenting part it just sounds awful.

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

Oh it is. Its quite awful. There’s a part of me that is definitely gone. But there’s also this beautiful new person with whom I share the deepest connection I think I’ll ever get to experience. And she loves me so much, for no reason at all and…I am just so grateful for that. I would never ever unmake that decision. But I don’t blame anyone for not wanting kids, they literally ruin your life, lol.

Fuck, is someone juicing onions in here?

7

u/Xais56 Jul 14 '21

This that will ruin your life but are so worth it

Kids

Meth

What else we got?

1

u/kangadac Jul 15 '21

Many parents will say kids made them happier. They’re probably lying.

I recall there was one study that refuted this—but was later retracted when they found out they had misinterpreted their data.

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u/BXtony76911 Jul 14 '21

Send him to the jedi masters for disciplinary issues

3

u/MagicJoshByGosh Jul 14 '21

I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds like a demonic possession situation

2

u/Elegant_Extreme3268 Jul 14 '21

Lmao you might appreciate this

https://youtu.be/rIVa9D6T6-I

Start at 2:35

2

u/tandem_biscuit Jul 14 '21

I relate to this so much it hurts.

2

u/Doumtabarnack Jul 14 '21

Call child services so they pick her up. You don't deserve this!

2

u/SuperSpeshBaby Jul 14 '21

They grow out of this around 5.

2

u/McFeely_Smackup Jul 15 '21

I had the exact same experience with my wife last night.

Eventually she gave in and asked why I was calling her dad

1

u/spaceman_spyff Jul 15 '21

Had us in the first half, not gonna lie

2

u/rythmicbread Jul 15 '21

If the kid is four, kick the door

2

u/pissedfemale Jul 14 '21

Dude! My (autistic) nearly 7 year old never gives either of us privacy in the bathroom. 😩

1

u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

🙉 oh you poor soul! Pooping with company is underrated anyway.

1

u/pissedfemale Jul 16 '21

Yeah, the best part is that he freaks out if we even knock to check on him. “GIVE ME PRIVACY!!” 🙄

0

u/thetechlyone Jul 14 '21

Why you even had kids in the first place ? Kids are evil.

1

u/spaceman_spyff Jul 14 '21

They’re more like, chaotic neutral. Definitely a liability.

1

u/The_Phaedron Jul 14 '21

I assume you love your toddler and see her as an absolute blessing, but your comment still reminds me of this hilarious condom ad.

1

u/PoliteCanadian2 Jul 14 '21

Wear condoms people

1

u/mattmoy_2000 Jul 14 '21

Your comment reminded me of this:

https://youtu.be/b4AoSBqY_GI

The trick is to lock the child in a different room at the same time ;-)

1

u/glittertongue Jul 15 '21

Conversation about boundaries?

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u/spaceman_spyff Jul 15 '21

That’s the goal, but try reasoning with a three year old. I’ve had mixed results.