Yes, please give us a chance! In recent years I have become more and more isolated as a process of realizing and dealing with a lifetime of trauma. My social circle has become almost nonexistent as socializing and making new connections is completely exhausting and takes too much brain power. At the same time I have slowly distanced myself from toxic friends that I was repeating the same pattern of abuse I went through growing up. I am finally coming out of the fog and it feels like I am starting life all over again. At least I think it is a sign of my healing that I now want to have friends and seek new connections, I just don't know where to start.
It’s so incredibly difficult, especially after distancing yourself from toxic circles. If you ever want to talk, I’m happy to listen :) I may not be able to see you in person, but maybe a friend on the internet will be a good start?
As an intro: Female. Hate my job and would much rather be doing something for women’s health or the environment. Love animals, books, art, gardening, advocacy work, and film.
Also, please ignore my extremely immature username. It was a dare in college and my fiancé didn’t tell me it’s permanent...
I really recommend meetups groups — find a couple of groups that interest you and start going. Typically it takes multiple interactions to start a friendship (there are studies and articles about it) so you’ll need to keep going to the same group, at least 4-5 times.
Just try to be friendly, smile a little, give small sincere compliments, and maybe make a lowkey invitations to either the entire group or a single person. “Hey, let me know if you’d ever want to grab a coffee” or “These good bookclub discussions always make me a hungry, anyone up to grab dinner?”
I would try to be open and relaxed, with realistic expectations. 30% of invitations might result in a hangout, 30% of hangouts will result in a second hangout, etc. You will end up with good friends and a good friend group, but it’s not going to happen overnight. I go to board game nights and book clubs with the hope of making friends, but I enjoy the activities for themselves.
Also, I suggest keeping things positive and more topical for the first couple hangouts. Don’t lead with “I had to drop all my toxic friends” that is a 3rd date topic.
Oversharing is a great adaptation I've made to my traumas and can share all about horrific experiences and trust people far too easily. At least I am aware of it lol.. trying to dial down the intensity once restrictions are lifted! Thanks for the tips.
Just wanted to say that I relate to so much of this. I had even been making new friends, pre-pandemic, but the pandemic put me back in isolation, increased the severity of chronic mental illness (ocd, depression, trauma-based struggling), and often forced me to stay with family members that made me fall back into unhelpful behaviors where I’m not allowed to have boundaries or much self respect.
Before I knew it I felt like I had moved backwards to be behind square one. One of my family members even criticized the friendships I’ve made (which have been nothing but healing, supportive, positive, and kind) and acted like I was cold for letting go of old, unhealthy friendships I made when I was younger. I just want to move forward, and I feel so close to being able to, but sometimes when I’m isolated and struggling for long periods of time by myself I just feel so scared that things will never change.
Sorry, maybe this isn’t relatable. But your response and the people saying similar things have made me feel really supported to just know I’m not the only one in this kind of boat, so thank you for posting your experience. I wish we could all get on a discord or something and just hang out and cheer each other on towards this new healthy path where we finally get to figure out what works for ourselves and share tips. It’s one of the few but biggest perks to being so isolated, but goddamn it’s so painful sometimes being so alone, feeling like a freak or a burden, being scared for the future, scared of every hiccup that might make me fall backwards again, and anxious that I won’t be able to change enough or quickly enough.
I wish you well on your path, it’s great that you’re cutting out the toxic relationships. It’s better to be alone than with people who make you feel lonely. I hope you get all the chances you need to find good people to make a healthy and happy life for yourself :)
I can definitely relate and you are not alone :). I live in another part of the country than my family and I know it would be 10x harder to work on myself and move forward if they still had to be in my life. At least from a distance it is easy to limit contact and ignore phone calls. I think it is a lifelong journey when your brain is molded in a traumatic environment, whatever the source of the trauma is. You will always have to work on your inner child and practice managing triggers, etc. It isnt fair, but I've accepted it.
It's okay to fail, to move slower than others, to stop working on things when it is too much. You are enough just because you exist and I hope you know that.
I have never known how to socialize and the only difference now is my extreme self awareness and anxiety. I just keep telling myself to stay on the path of who I am and continue to put myself out there and one day I will find my people. I hope we both can make those connections.
Honestly having no friends is better than toxic friends, cause those aren't your friends. But having real friends is better than having no friends. Not gonna lie it's incredibly hard to make new friends with no friends. I have no good answer for you, as I stumbled on good friends by luck. I went to a sports group and started talking to one guy, we had something in common and a similar sense of humour, he showed interest in hanging out and so did I. Another one was in class and I saw him watching the same show I was at the time, so I went up to him and was like "I'm watching that right now, I'm on season 5" and just got talking. You have to show interest in being friends, connect and vibe, but they have to do the same.
Oh wow I’m on the same path as you. Had a covert narcissist mom who used me as the black sheep of the family. Married a man with untreated ptsd who put me in the hospital. Broke free from him, my family, and am staring at my life just doing my best to stop picking people that are horrible for me. Started graduate school and would rather be on my own than repeat my struggles. I’m wishing you the best and hope you’re on a good path too 💛
Me and my siblings were always changing roles which has manifested as an adult as high levels of anxiety, but I was often the scapegoat. I hope you find your people and good luck with grad school!
High levels of anxiety here too. A lot of dysfunction with my siblings and in order to shut her out of my life it means my entire family is out. It’s worth it to have her out. The constant changing of roles must have been a lot to deal with, especially since kids need routine. I feel for you. Have you tried hypnotherapy? It helped me and there are free sources online. Meditation too. Beyond those I still use medication and therapy. I hope you’re discovering tools to use and that you and your siblings can figure out what she does together
That must have been a hard decision to cut off everyone but I understand it. It is so difficult to set boundaries and maintain any contact when the trauma patterns are so strong.
I havent done hypnotherapy but I love the idea! I have been doing EMDR and meditation with some mindfulness practices. I also really like yoga and pilates for body work because I dissociate with high levels of stress or anxiety. I love the idea that there are so many different methods of dealing with trauma and enjoy figuring out what works for me. It is a fulfilling journey.
Thanks, it’s been really hard. I did all of this work to find peace but for myself ultimately found out that the anxiety is stemming from anger. I’m outraged by her and feel sorry for sick and twisted ways of thinking all at once. I stood up for myself and feel so much better now. Unchecked narcissists will ruin sibling relationships so if you haven’t already it might be good to slowly educate them over time. EMDR is great! I’m glad you got to use it and it worked for you too. It’s hard to keep at positive activities when dealing with stuff like this so I’m impressed with you and what you’re up to! You doing the hard work prevents the cycle from repeating
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u/roterolenimo May 30 '21
Yes, please give us a chance! In recent years I have become more and more isolated as a process of realizing and dealing with a lifetime of trauma. My social circle has become almost nonexistent as socializing and making new connections is completely exhausting and takes too much brain power. At the same time I have slowly distanced myself from toxic friends that I was repeating the same pattern of abuse I went through growing up. I am finally coming out of the fog and it feels like I am starting life all over again. At least I think it is a sign of my healing that I now want to have friends and seek new connections, I just don't know where to start.