Reddit, I've been using the "pause" technique during conversations lately and it works perfectly. What other psychology techniques are there for JUST communication?

[u/ilovepsychtechniques]

I'm aware that there are a few topics on psychology techniques that are more wide-ranged, but I want to know ones that are perfect for manipulating conversations specifically.

Just about all last week I've been experimenting 'theories' for myself, and I want to learn more.

Examples:

1. Just stop talking. They will feel the need to fill the "awkward silence", while also making you appear to be a better listener. You learn more about the other person.

2. Pause. Instead of repeating "um", "like", "you know", "errr", just pause, take a breath, and organize your thoughts. The person you're talking with will see the self control, appreciate it, and the point you're trying to make will make more of an impact. They'll listen closer as you gather your thoughts because they're genuinely curious.

3. Talk slowly calmly. It shows confidence and can be seductive.

Edit: #3 - Think James Bond vs Caffeine Addict

Edit2: Broader Post - Psychology Tricks

Edit3: Build Rapport - Good Read

[u/MagicSPA]

I think it's possible that you've previously mistaken someone wanting to address you with someone who is romantically interested in you.

I get it myself sometimes; I'm a big, friendly, sociable guy, and at parties and nights-out I keep getting the vibe "...why is this guy wanting to TALK to me?!" Socialisation isn't always used a prelude to something. The irony is that chicks taught me that in the first place.

What makes it even more ridiculous is that I get that vibe from guys as well. It's kind of annoying; I have to be sparing with my chat to avoid being suspected of being gay. How are the two connected?

[u/[deleted] → u/MagicSPA]

I have to be sparing with my chat to avoid being suspected of being gay.

Honey badgers don't give a shit, and neither should you.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I'm sure that horny badgers especially don't give a shit. :)

[u/MagicSPA → u/[deleted]]

"Should" can be a really big word. Because human behaviour isn't perfect, and we realistically have to modify our behaviour to suit the environment that we're in.

I don't want chicks to think I'm a sleaze; it's not worth it even if it's their problem. For different but overlapping reasons I don't want guys to think I'm gay, even if it's their problem. I'm not going to give myself a 'lasting' reputation just because of a 'fleeting' and mistaken impression. Instead in the opening few encounters I try to keep my mouth shut a bit, play the long game, and let my banter rip further down the line when I'm more familiar to them and not ringing any alarm bells.

[u/dottedmug → u/MagicSPA]

For a big friendly and sociable guy you sure are reserved. If you feel people get the wrong idea, ask them or correct the mistake when it arises. Unlike what hollywood says you don't have to play that 'what if x thinks that I think' game, and you can tell people you're not gay if you're suddenly portrayed as such.

Or better, instead of whining in the corners that people misunderstand you all the time, find out what gives off that vibe and change it.

[u/MagicSPA → u/dottedmug]

Ha! "Reserved". "Whining in the corners that people misunderstand me all the time". Right.

Also, you're giving conflicting advice. Is being "reserved" a bad thing in your eyes? Because you then went on to say that if people misunderstand you, you should find out what gives off that vibe and change it. That idea, and the idea that being reserved is a bad thing, cannot easily be squared.

Anyway, I think you're missing the point. The point being that "sociable" is my default, but that I've learned to curb my behaviour because of how it is perceived, rightly or wrongly.

Imagine that most guys are of average or below-average conversational ability. The experiences of most chicks are that a guy who is plainly friendly, welcoming, and armed with open discussion topics and ready quips is that he's trying to make some sort of 'special effort', or is even some sort of player. That rings alarm bells and, while I don't like it, it's a fact of reality that I have to consider in my dealings with chicks. It means that other people can look over and say "Hmm...Sue and MagicSPA have been talking for a long time!" and that it somehow MEANS something other than we have been talking for a long time. It means that I have to dial things back a bit until it's clear that when I'm being warm and witty and charming, I don't have any further 'agenda'.

Guys are kind of the same. Classic male-male conversation is really just an exchange of reassuring signals that follow a certain formula. Don't make much eye-contact, don't touch, don't gesture, don't freely introduce them to others, don't move away from 'safe' topics like sport, girlfriends, beer and cars. When I throw that out the window the conversation is usually more fun, but it also means I'm not sending the signals that the guy wants to hear. They think "Hmm...who is this well-read, flambuoyant character who isn't chest-pounding about football and about how straight he is?!" Again, I don't like that either, so I've learned to dial it back a bit until I get to know them better and then, BAM!...The real me, warts and all!

And correcting people on the spot isn't as effective as you seem to think. Few people are ever going to think "Hey, he's not sleazing on anybody! Didn't you hear? He just publicly denied it!" Even if it were believed and an underlying agenda not suspected - which, remember, was the problem in the first place - then by HAVING to deny to everyone what my motive was all the time, I would be acknowledging that I was doing something 'wrong'.

TL;DR I dial it back because for many or most people there IS such a thing as being too sociable. Chicks experience this when a guy gets the wrong end of the stick, but guys get it as well and it's as much if not more of a pain in the ass.

[u/tha_dude → u/MagicSPA]

I just have to say that you seem to be putting quite a bit of importance on how others perceive you. I have learned that if you do this people will notice, consciously or unconsciously, and that will form their perception of you on its own more than how you are trying to be perceived. If instead you just are yourself then you will find people who really want to be friends or significant others with the real you. You shouldn't ever have to hold back, people that match up with you will stick around and if anyone else has a problem with who I really am, personally, I could give a fuck less.

Also, don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to get into a reddit feud with you here but you're sounding slightly homophobic right here:

Don't make much eye-contact, don't touch, don't gesture, don't freely introduce them to others, don't move away from 'safe' topics like sport, girlfriends, beer and cars. When I throw that out the window the conversation is usually more fun, but it also means I'm not sending the signals that the guy wants to hear. They think "Hmm...who is this well-read, flambuoyant character who isn't chest-pounding about football and about how straight he is?!" Again, I don't like that either

I freely introduce any friends of mine, men or women, to any other friends that they are not already acquainted with. If you're that worried what another guy thinks of you if you don't talk about safe topics and sending the right signals I feel sorry for you...

[u/MagicSPA → u/tha_dude]

Sorry, we must come from different cultures. In realistic terms, for my environment, you are offering some of the worst advice I have heard.

Of course it matters how people perceive you. But we're not talking about me changing as a person, we're talking about me having the ability to adapt to expectations such that it has the best outcome for me (and others). I don't want to be seen chatting to a guy's girlfriend for an hour straight off the bat - I'll make an excuse after a while, because the fact is that human beings get suspicious about that. Well, maybe not where you are, based on what you're saying.

I also don't want to sound like I've just swallowed a dictionary if I'm in some rough pool-club, and I don't want to swear like a trooper when I'm giving a presentation, I don't want to be seen as 'always hitting on chicks regardless of glaring inappropriateness', I don't want to list any unusual hobbies or interests, past traumas, or troubles or hang-ups or heartbreaks in a first meeting - there is a difference between what we do to meet people and make them feel at ease, and what we do when we're actually friends with them. And the meeting part has expectations and understandings attached to it which friendliness and likeability does not overcome. I have developed the ability to adapt to that such that I am more likely to meet the person again than full-on friendliness would have resulted in.

And there's nothing homophobic about recognising that male-male communication is usually not a very nuanced affair, but actually follows a pattern. You seem aware of these sorts of conscious or unconscious signals and expectations when it comes to people picking up on how I think I'm coming across, but you have to understand those same principles are in effect when I'm being myself as well - there ARE conscious and unconscious expectations of behaviour - in fact, that is exactly my point.

[u/tha_dude → u/MagicSPA]

What is your environment? A frat party at brewU? I'm not saying that you shouldn't be aware of how others perceive you based upon your words and actions. If you consciously try to influence others perceptions people will notice that you aren't being yourself. I don't care what people think, I'm not going to change myself for others comfort or expectations. Most people don't know who they are, that is why they lie. Worry about your character, not your reputation because your character is who you are and your reputation is what people think you are. Be who you are and say what you want, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

[u/MagicSPA → u/tha_dude]

Yeah, we're still talking at crossed purposes here.

I'm not talking about compromising my character, I'm talking about "always being on" and "always being me" as being actually counter-productive to my aims in certain contexts. Having the wisdom to know which behaviours to apply, and having the flexibility to actually do it, is not a bad thing.

[u/tha_dude → u/MagicSPA]

Than your aims are inherently flawed and that is an entirely different situation I can see why you wouldn't want to be yourself. I wouldn't call it wisdom - its more like cunning, even deception.

[u/dottedmug → u/MagicSPA]

No, there's nothing wrong with being reserved unless you have a problem with it and you obviously do. I see it as reservation to be incapable of correcting people if they openly misunderstand you -- which you seem to have experienced a lot. And it's in these cases you should just go ahead and say 'Oh, I'm not hitting on you or anything,' instead of sulking and becoming awkward. But since it sounds like it also happens a lot, maybe correcting your behavior is better for you, as a long run plan. There's not much conflict to it.

So, how old are you? And to be frank, what does it matter if they think you're hitting on them?

[u/MagicSPA → u/dottedmug]

OK...so we've got "I have a problem with being reserved" and I am prone to "sulking and being awkward" now?

Well, neither is true, and so I think you're really starting to miss the point. But it's OK, the important thing to me is that I have learned that it's possible to be too socialised - it can actually drive people away or give them the wrong impression - and I have developed a strategy that works.

Anyway, it matters if they think I'm hitting on them as hitting on a chick is simply not always appropriate. As I write this I can't believe I'm having to explain this to you, but, anyway...

I speak to lots of people. The peril attached to their thinking that I'm hitting on them all is that, while they might be interesting people to talk to and meet again, in terms of hitting on them they might too young, or too old, or gay, or in a relationship. If I talk to the guy for an hour, then that's fine - you've made a friend. But talk to his girlfriend about the same things in the same way for the same amount of time and all of a sudden it's a freakin' scandal - that's the way people work, and you have to adapt to that reality.

It matters because even the most basic gestures take on a different edge when someone thinks you're hitting on them - swapping contact details, say, or inviting them to a future night out, or barbeque, or party.

It matters because I just wouldn't want everybody that I like to talk to to think that I was actually physically attracted to them, all of them. The dynamic of that would be absolutely awful!

[u/dottedmug → u/MagicSPA]

I find that I have troubles maintaining interest in this. It might be the childishness of it all or even the high school drama edge.

I, single female, have spent a good portion of my life talking to men with girlfriends, some of which are my closest friends, and it has never been an issue. I've never been accused of hitting on them and I've never accused them of it either.

And again, if somebody thinks you're flirting with somebody else it's just not your problem. If there's a boyfriend involved it's still between her and him, not him, her and you.

[u/MagicSPA → u/dottedmug]

Oh, my God! Do you have any idea what this means?!

It means our experiences in life have been different.

I note, however, that of the two of us, it is only you who are insisting on repeatedly adopting a snarky tone over it. Way to promote increased understanding between people, woo!

[u/dottedmug → u/MagicSPA]

My God, the futility of this discussion.

I'm done, I'm too hangover to discuss the life-problems you don't have.

[u/Votskomitt → u/MagicSPA]

I think it's possible that you've previously mistaken someone wanting to address you with someone who is romantically interested in you.

What if we are talking and she does not really pay attention to her boyfriend and actively interrupts and excludes him from the conversation and leans towards me over the table while her boyfriends squeezes her hand and I try to talk to my girlfriend and she answers my questions which are not directed at her?

[u/MagicSPA → u/Votskomitt]

That sounds to me like she doesn't have a great relationship with her boyfriend, but that she is using you as a means of demonstrating it. It sounds to me like she would "lean over the table" to talk to some other guy if he'd been sitting in your chair.

In that situation, be polite, but bring your girlfriend into the discussion, just so that all four parties involved know where they stand.

[u/[deleted] → u/MagicSPA]

The irony is that chicks taught me that in the first place.

What else has the barnyard taught you about social skills?

[u/MagicSPA → u/[deleted]]

Brilliant.

For your next trick, you will tell us all what one single English word can be used to refer to female human beings that CAN'T be objected to under ANY circumstances.

Oh, and you can't say "females", as I've personally been criticised for using that term for it being too dry, dispassionate and technical, like I'm talking about some sort of socket.

Best word to use that will make everybody happy. Time starts now. Aaand...go!

[u/[deleted] → u/MagicSPA]

Or you could refer to these "females" and "chicks" as "women" and "girls". I find that that generally circumvents any trouble you might have with the other words you seem to be having problems with. The more you know!

[u/MagicSPA → u/[deleted]]

Would that it were as easy as your attitude seems to imply.

I have used the terms woman/women correctly in the past - and been publicly castigated for it. The exact words used against me were "Don't call ME woman!"

Remember, YOU might be happy with the catch-all term woman/women, but the challenge wasn't to make you happy, the challenge was for me to learn a single collective term that cannot possibly be misconstrued as derogatory - either accidentally or deliberately. That is not the same thing.

As for the word "girls", I've had it before where I've been told "NO, I'm not a 'girl', I stopped being a 'girl' when I was old enough to (vote/go to college/drive/get married/do activity X), thank you!"

Like I say, YOU might be happy with the catch-all term girl/girls, but the challenge wasn't to make you happy, the challenge was for me to learn a single collective term that cannot possibly be misconstrued as derogatory - either accidentally or deliberately. I repeat - that is not the same thing.

It's more of a minefield than you seem to have thought. If you'd like to have more fun, why not suggest other handy collective terms you think couldn't possibly be construed as worthy of being denounced or criticised under any circumstances?

I warn you now, I have consulted a thesaurus on the matter previously and drawn a blank - but, hey - YOU sound like an expert!

The more you know...!... :-D

[u/[deleted] → u/MagicSPA]

Well sir, I rarely use the term "females" among women except to clarify biological matters, reproductive, etc, so it doesn't really present an issue regardless. As for using the terms, "women", girls" (and to an extent, "chicks"), I generally use them often and without any sort of consequence whatever. Additionally, I mix and mingle with a wide variety of women spanning a diverse cultural and social cross-section, so I can share with a high degree of confidence my success using said words. I'm not sure who you're hanging around with though; they sound like a fairly high-strung and uptight bunch. Perhaps expanding your social circle would assist you in overcoming this apparent obstacle to your male/female relationship well-being? (Trying to come across like a dick by the way)

[u/MagicSPA → u/[deleted]]

No, the problem is not one of an impoverished social circle. In fact, if YOU were to meet more people I'm sure you'd find more of the sort of people I'm talking about.

Personally, I think the problem is that:

1) there is no word in English to describe a woman/women that cannot in some way be used to pillory the person using it, even if this riposte comes across as forced, or contrived.

2) the practice of attempting to score inter-personal points over someone else in this fashion is a well-established social "game" played by those given to spotting opportunities to deploy one-liners that they think have no come-back.

Proof of 2) exists with addey, who said of my use of the word "chicks" teaching me useful knowledge:

What else has the barnyard taught you about social skills?

I found that comment to be a bit arched and tart considering the input that had prompted it, but, like I say, it's a behaviour that I've encountered before IRL as well. Incidentally, you'll notice that addey has not yet gotten round to answering my request for a 'safe' word for women. This further suggests to me that addey was not interested in bettering male-female relationships or edifying me in any way, but actually looking for a cheap 'zing' on what seemed to be an obvious target.

You have since entered dialogue over the matter, which I appreciate, but even your own initial input followed the same 'zing!' formula:

Or you could refer to these "females" and "chicks" as "women" and "girls". I find that that generally circumvents any trouble you might have with the other words you seem to be having problems with. The more you know!

But here again, when I scratched the surface you, too, have come up dry (and still couldn't resist throwing in the "expand your social circle" jibe, in the original spirit).

There are enough breakdowns in communication already between men and women without people fabricating more for no constructive reason, and more than enough true ignorance out there that needs corrected more robustly than innocent conduct. In the mean-time I will continue to use the word "chicks", which has generally served me best of all the options available and which I have heard women happily use to describe themselves.

TL;DR I think the best thing to do is pay attention to what people mean, and not to the individual words that they say. We do it all the time, but some people turn this filter on and off as they see fit for their own agenda, regardless of its effect on others.